How does the ring even stay on the finger of the guy with the yellow hand?
Last issue, we learned Hal Jordan has a thirteen year old girlfriend. Sure, he'll say she broke up with him and also she wasn't thirteen but a thirteen year old who had made herself an "adult" through sheer willpower after he was all, "I'd love to fuck you but, you know, it's unseemly," and she was all, "I'm an adult now!" and he was all, "Oh shit! Cool! Let me see that alien butthole!" Then she took off her shirt and he stared at her back and was all, "Awooooga!" But now she's thirteen again and she's still calling Hal her boyfriend even though she's forgotten everything that happened since she became an adult and the only conclusion you can make from that is that Hal was fucking her before she pretended that she used the ring to become an adult.
Anyway, now we have a cover where Hal is screaming "I want answers!" from a little blue guy who should be screaming at Hal, "You're a fucking pedo, man!" But Arisia and Hal fucked in the '80s (unless it was the '70s) and those were pretty innocent times when it came to older men abusing and manipulating young women. They could just do it right in public and people would say things like, "It's so romantic!" and "What a cute couple!" and, sometimes, if you were around decent people even for the times, "That guy is some creepy bastard, no?"
Modern men exist who are trying to get back to that time because women of an appropriate age won't date them because they're gross assholes who are super creepy, have bad vibes, and wholeheartedly believe in the worst social, political, and philosophical takes imaginable. So of course they want to find somebody with less life experience who find it a bit harder to recognize their terrible persona by their myriad red flag behaviors that more experienced women see five miles off the bow of their Sex Ship. "Tack away! Creepy pedo ship coming up on port! Woman the cannons in case they get too close!" I'm not sure if that's exactly what they say but I've seen the looks on their faces from five miles out as my ship approached and their expression looked like those words.
Anyway, now we have a cover where Hal is screaming "I want answers!" from a little blue guy who should be screaming at Hal, "You're a fucking pedo, man!" But Arisia and Hal fucked in the '80s (unless it was the '70s) and those were pretty innocent times when it came to older men abusing and manipulating young women. They could just do it right in public and people would say things like, "It's so romantic!" and "What a cute couple!" and, sometimes, if you were around decent people even for the times, "That guy is some creepy bastard, no?"
Modern men exist who are trying to get back to that time because women of an appropriate age won't date them because they're gross assholes who are super creepy, have bad vibes, and wholeheartedly believe in the worst social, political, and philosophical takes imaginable. So of course they want to find somebody with less life experience who find it a bit harder to recognize their terrible persona by their myriad red flag behaviors that more experienced women see five miles off the bow of their Sex Ship. "Tack away! Creepy pedo ship coming up on port! Woman the cannons in case they get too close!" I'm not sure if that's exactly what they say but I've seen the looks on their faces from five miles out as my ship approached and their expression looked like those words.
I love a good comic book dental shot.
The first page is just a close-up of the cover, just to get the point across that Hal is fucking pissed at the Guardians. They never tell him anything and often lie about everything. It really is hard to believe that he keeps listening to them. You know how you can tell Guy Gardner is the smartest Green Lantern? Because he finally just said, "Fuck this!", and got himself a Qwardian ring and a freelance gig. Sure, he came back to the Corps eventually. Because he needs to be needed. It's his biggest flaw! Yes, even bigger than his arrogance, his constant sexual harassment of his teammates, and his haircut.
Hal demands a bunch of answers from the Guardians but then cracks the first time one of them shouts back at him.
Hal demands a bunch of answers from the Guardians but then cracks the first time one of them shouts back at him.
Is the fear of little blue men Hal's greatest weakness? I mean after thirteen year old ass, of course.
Last issue ended with Hal declaring that he needs answers before he fights the Entropoids. But he tells the Guardians that he tried to fight them as they flew off in their dark sphere containing Kroef's Island, the New Guardians, and The Chosen. He lost that fight. Then he still didn't rush off for answers because he had to get Tom and his family to safety. He also needed to go check on Arisia for a reason that I'm assuming, being a righteous and moral person, didn't have anything to do with his dick. He just wants to make sure she's safe so he picks her up, along with Tom's family, and takes them to Carol to babysit because why wouldn't Carol want to ignore her own needs to live more of Hal's life? What an honor!
If anything, Carol isn't shocked enough in that last panel.
So when Hal says "maybe younger," does that mean he was in a relationship with her before she was thirteen?! Because if she reverted to an even younger age and can't seem to remember anything that happened prior to the age she currently reverted to, then Hal was with her when she was twelve or younger? What a stud! I mean in the pedo world! Not in our world where this kind of behavior is unseemly, or maybe even worse than unseemly. Illegal? Is that worse? Inappropriate? No, maybe harsher than that, right? Fucked up?
Sometimes I have a good time online getting Deathstroke fans riled up by accusing him of being a pedophile. It's really great fun because they worship him so much and yet it's right there in the canon that he's a pedo. I love the character Deathstroke! But I also understand he manipulated a teenager and had sex with her. I think it was okay though because she smoked. That means she was super mature or something. But I never try to rile up Hal Jordan fans for some reason! Aren't they just as disgusting as Deathstroke fans?! I suppose it's easy to blame the writers and point out how they didn't get Hal and ruined him by making him a pedo in the DC canon. I often use that same argument about Guy Gardner. But my Guy argument is more valid because Guy is brain-damaged and I'm not angry that writers write him as an angry, arrogant misogynist! I'm always angry that they never write the other characters in a way that shows they want to help Guy with his traumatic brain injury! I mean, sometimes maybe I'm simply upset with the writers because they go overboard, like Dan Vado's run of Justice League America. But even the editors seemed to agree with me on that one because it turned out the terrible Guy Gardner Vado was writing was some Guy Gardner replicant! But Hal Jordan is a normal, heroic guy who just happens to love underage pussy, I guess. Weird choice. But there it is! Right here in four colors! And just look at the way Carol sees Hal for who he really is in the above panel. Why the fuck did he even tell her that?!
Man, if I had been in my thirties and I dated a thirteen year old (which I didn't do!), I'd never tell my current romantic interest about it and I'd certainly never write about it in a blog! Let me reiterate: I never did that and wouldn't at any age! Although if I had, I wouldn't blab about it! But I didn't do it! I'm just trying to make it clear that I didn't do that and if I had, I wouldn't talk about it, but I don't have to not talk about it because I never did it!
Wait, wait. Let's look at this reaction again. Just fucking classic!
Sometimes I have a good time online getting Deathstroke fans riled up by accusing him of being a pedophile. It's really great fun because they worship him so much and yet it's right there in the canon that he's a pedo. I love the character Deathstroke! But I also understand he manipulated a teenager and had sex with her. I think it was okay though because she smoked. That means she was super mature or something. But I never try to rile up Hal Jordan fans for some reason! Aren't they just as disgusting as Deathstroke fans?! I suppose it's easy to blame the writers and point out how they didn't get Hal and ruined him by making him a pedo in the DC canon. I often use that same argument about Guy Gardner. But my Guy argument is more valid because Guy is brain-damaged and I'm not angry that writers write him as an angry, arrogant misogynist! I'm always angry that they never write the other characters in a way that shows they want to help Guy with his traumatic brain injury! I mean, sometimes maybe I'm simply upset with the writers because they go overboard, like Dan Vado's run of Justice League America. But even the editors seemed to agree with me on that one because it turned out the terrible Guy Gardner Vado was writing was some Guy Gardner replicant! But Hal Jordan is a normal, heroic guy who just happens to love underage pussy, I guess. Weird choice. But there it is! Right here in four colors! And just look at the way Carol sees Hal for who he really is in the above panel. Why the fuck did he even tell her that?!
Man, if I had been in my thirties and I dated a thirteen year old (which I didn't do!), I'd never tell my current romantic interest about it and I'd certainly never write about it in a blog! Let me reiterate: I never did that and wouldn't at any age! Although if I had, I wouldn't blab about it! But I didn't do it! I'm just trying to make it clear that I didn't do that and if I had, I wouldn't talk about it, but I don't have to not talk about it because I never did it!
Wait, wait. Let's look at this reaction again. Just fucking classic!
As soon as Hal left, you know Carol ran over to Arisia and was all, "What did that horrible disgusting man do to you, you poor sweet thing?!"
Oh man. I just turned the page after Carol's "WHAT?!" reaction and, well, I mean, she is not done with this revelation.
Hal flies off thinking, "Good old Carol! The one person I can trust!" Ha ha! Not anymore, idiot!
The Guardians ask Hal about what he did before coming to them because they've got a great big gotcha in store for him. Instead of making this Entropoid business first on Hal's list of things to do, he takes care of his friends and then rushes off to Russia with Justice League Europe to battle Baron Bedlam or something. I forget. Anyway, the Guardians are all, "A-ha! So you protect a few people on a dying planet who will all die before any of the current Guardians even take their next shit! What do you know about keeping an infinite universe safe?! You know why we didn't hassle you about dating a thirteen year old?! Because our time scales are so vast that a 90 year old human is the same as a two year old human! You're all bitter ashes and crumbling calcium in our noses! How dare you judge us, you earthworm!"
Hal tries to argue with them but he's just a dumb brawler and they're representative of billions of years of wisdom and gotcha questions.
Hal tries to argue with them but he's just a dumb brawler and they're representative of billions of years of wisdom and gotcha questions.
What I would give to be so good at debate that it drives my opponent insane!
I don't actually like to debate. What'd I'd actually like is the power to snap my fingers and drive somebody insane instantly. Because you really don't need too much time to understand most asshole's arguments and fathom why the fuck they think the way they do even if they'll never admit it because, deep down, they don't want to come right out and be an asshole. That's why they love debate! Because it allows them to rationalize and launder their asshole personality into "ideas" and "theories" and "controversial opinions." No, no. Nobody cares. *SNAP*
After the Guardians get done explaining the plot of Jesus Christ Superstar to Hal, they send him on his way. He meets up with Kilowog and the new recruits just as Entropy appears in the sky. He's basically Galactus, I think. He's that big, anyway. Entropy asks the Green Lantern Corps if they will fight and die for the Guardians' lies or join him. Which, I think, just means to not fight and die. You know? Entropy! Instead, Hal foments open rebellion against the Guardians and declares he will never fight for them again. But I bet he will fight for himself and his cohorts and the lives of all of the people trapped on Oa in Mosaic City.
The Green Lantern Corps fight because that's what they do. Especially when they have Boodika on the squad. Also, I "learn" that the guy with the eyepatch and yellow fist is Kreon, the alien who hired Flicker to kidnap people for him. Christ. That guy was so boring that I forgot about him immediately!
After the Guardians get done explaining the plot of Jesus Christ Superstar to Hal, they send him on his way. He meets up with Kilowog and the new recruits just as Entropy appears in the sky. He's basically Galactus, I think. He's that big, anyway. Entropy asks the Green Lantern Corps if they will fight and die for the Guardians' lies or join him. Which, I think, just means to not fight and die. You know? Entropy! Instead, Hal foments open rebellion against the Guardians and declares he will never fight for them again. But I bet he will fight for himself and his cohorts and the lives of all of the people trapped on Oa in Mosaic City.
The Green Lantern Corps fight because that's what they do. Especially when they have Boodika on the squad. Also, I "learn" that the guy with the eyepatch and yellow fist is Kreon, the alien who hired Flicker to kidnap people for him. Christ. That guy was so boring that I forgot about him immediately!
Insert Butterfly Meme: "Is this transphobia?"
Hal wants to fight with his friends but he can't help confronting the Guardians one more time. "Why won't you fight with us?" None of them will say until Ganthet, feeling guilty, steps forward. He explains that anybody who comes into contact with Entropy will lose years from their life. And they don't want to get any older. Although they're immortal so what would be the harm? So many secrets and mysteries! Ganthet also states plainly that it's okay if the members of the Corps lose a few years to defeat Entropy. Comes with the job, suckers!
Green Lantern #34 Rating: A. This book should be a classic just for Carol's reaction to Hal revealing the truth about his relationship with Arisia. It should be a $50 wall book with a big sticky on it that reads, "First Appearance of Carol Ferris's Reaction to Hal Being a Pedo!" Stunning stuff! Totally outshines all the entropy bullshit and the Guardians explication of Jesus Christ Superstar (although, being my favorite musical of all time, that was pretty fucking good too). Maybe Entropy will touch Hal and he'll realize what "bad touching" is while simultaneously losing the years where he was fucking a thirteen year old girl. Win/win!
Green Lantern #34 Rating: A. This book should be a classic just for Carol's reaction to Hal revealing the truth about his relationship with Arisia. It should be a $50 wall book with a big sticky on it that reads, "First Appearance of Carol Ferris's Reaction to Hal Being a Pedo!" Stunning stuff! Totally outshines all the entropy bullshit and the Guardians explication of Jesus Christ Superstar (although, being my favorite musical of all time, that was pretty fucking good too). Maybe Entropy will touch Hal and he'll realize what "bad touching" is while simultaneously losing the years where he was fucking a thirteen year old girl. Win/win!
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