This issue was drawn by a badger.
I've never lost the belief that if somebody's last name is an animal, they are that animal. So, yes, a badger drew this. And I like his style! Sort of looks like this might wind up being a Sailor Moon crossover. Nephrite must be targeting some college football star and cursed the football to turn into this energy sucking Youma. I always assume the first name of every Youma in the first series of Sailor Moon has the first name "Tits." You know, Tits Furau, Tits Ramua, Tits Kyameran. So this is Tits Futaba.
The issue begins with some demon in some prison dimension breaking free from its bright green chains. Apparently it was imprisoned for a "time uncountable" by its most hated for, Green Lantern. Eddie Berganza and Kevin Dooley refuse to give me an editor's note so that I know what the fuck this thing is. It's probably a metaphor for Carol's intense hatred of Hal Jordan which usually just simmers under the surface but now that he's refused her marriage proposal, she's probably ready for a regular old Carol Ferris murder, no Star Sapphire needed.
Hal, continuing to call his best friend Tom, "Pie", like the motherfucking thoughtless bastard he is, explains that he wanted Carol when he saw she got a hair cut but then he stopped wanting her when she pointed out that any sex with her was going to be in the name of having babies. Why the fuck would she drop her proposal like that? She knows Hal Jordan runs from commitment. The only reasons he's "committed" to the Green Lantern Corps is that it gives him an excuse to not commit to anything else. Hell, he's barely committed to the Corps! He'd dropkick the fucking Guardians into a black hole if he thought he could get away with it.
Hal actually hasn't given Carol an answer yet, a month later. He's scared to lose his secretary but also doesn't want to lose the option of fucking a thirteen year old waitress. That might sound like a guy who hates women which means I wrote it accurately. Oh, you don't think Hal hates women? Here's a little more proof: he refused to let Carol invest in his business but when Tom offers to buy in as a partner, Hal jumps at the chance.
The issue begins with some demon in some prison dimension breaking free from its bright green chains. Apparently it was imprisoned for a "time uncountable" by its most hated for, Green Lantern. Eddie Berganza and Kevin Dooley refuse to give me an editor's note so that I know what the fuck this thing is. It's probably a metaphor for Carol's intense hatred of Hal Jordan which usually just simmers under the surface but now that he's refused her marriage proposal, she's probably ready for a regular old Carol Ferris murder, no Star Sapphire needed.
Hal, continuing to call his best friend Tom, "Pie", like the motherfucking thoughtless bastard he is, explains that he wanted Carol when he saw she got a hair cut but then he stopped wanting her when she pointed out that any sex with her was going to be in the name of having babies. Why the fuck would she drop her proposal like that? She knows Hal Jordan runs from commitment. The only reasons he's "committed" to the Green Lantern Corps is that it gives him an excuse to not commit to anything else. Hell, he's barely committed to the Corps! He'd dropkick the fucking Guardians into a black hole if he thought he could get away with it.
Hal actually hasn't given Carol an answer yet, a month later. He's scared to lose his secretary but also doesn't want to lose the option of fucking a thirteen year old waitress. That might sound like a guy who hates women which means I wrote it accurately. Oh, you don't think Hal hates women? Here's a little more proof: he refused to let Carol invest in his business but when Tom offers to buy in as a partner, Hal jumps at the chance.
Benefit of the doubt to Hal time: I suppose this works for him because Tom has never turned into a vengeful harpy who killed one of his coworker's wives.
To celebrate Tom working on his planes whenever Tom feels like it and not when the planes actually need work, Hal takes him to the Super Bowl. The NFL are giving away free tickets to superheroes. I guess they don't pay attention to local news out of New York or else they'd realize that superheroes just bring their baggage wherever they go and that baggage tends to be super-powered assholes with a grudge against the heroes. To argue New York was safer because the Titans lived there would be disingenuous and/or a huge fucking lie. Gotham would probably still be a dangerous place to live without Batman but at least you wouldn't have hundreds of people dying with eerie grins every few months because the Joker pissed in the reservoir. Metropolis would definitely be safer without Superman because Lex would probably make it a better place to live when the citizens celebrated his genius as opposed to celebrating an immigrant that took a shortcut to being powerful.
Forget about the NFL not checking into the dangerous ramifications of having a superhero at the event because they also didn't research which personalities get along with each other.
Forget about the NFL not checking into the dangerous ramifications of having a superhero at the event because they also didn't research which personalities get along with each other.
This is like if an awards ceremony sat Drake next to Kendrick Lamar. And not just because one of them is a pedo.
I'm not saying Drake is a pedo! I'm just saying, you know, Kendrick said he is and I'm just repeating a song lyric, really!
I'm not sure why Guy didn't bring Ice to the game. Were they going through something because she grieved too strongly at the death of Superman? Is this how Guy repays Ice for having intense emotional feelings for her friends and loved ones? Man, he's such a riot!
I'm not sure why Guy didn't bring Ice to the game. Were they going through something because she grieved too strongly at the death of Superman? Is this how Guy repays Ice for having intense emotional feelings for her friends and loved ones? Man, he's such a riot!
The game begins with Madden and the other guy announcing the game and also with this other weird scene.
In the credits for this comic book, Gerard Jones is listed as "Friscophile." Kevin Dooley is simply listed as "Cosmopolitan." Could it be Dooley was a Bills fan and Jones was hoping for a '49ers/Bills Superbowl in January 1993? And this was 1993, so it was okay for a comic book author to write two panels that suggest "My editor is a gay who doesn't understand football because he's rooting for a team I do not like." It might also not matter what year it was because I think that suggesting somebody is a gay is still the standard protocol when discussing somebody rooting for the opposite team.
Just a cautious note because the Internet has no comprehension skills: I'm not saying enjoying Guys and Dolls is gay. But I get the feeling that Gerard Jones is using it as a conceit for homosexuality. As well as the little dance Kevin is doing. Also how he doesn't know what a kick-off is. Also the woman he is with is far too hot for him so she's obviously a beard.
Meanwhile the dragon-like creature trapped in some Hell dimension sends forth his Youma to feed on the energy of the football crowd. The demons' names are Noga (the hot one) and Tuiasosopo (the male. So maybe hot? But how am I to judge, not being gay and also not seeing how fat his scrumptious dick is?).
Just a cautious note because the Internet has no comprehension skills: I'm not saying enjoying Guys and Dolls is gay. But I get the feeling that Gerard Jones is using it as a conceit for homosexuality. As well as the little dance Kevin is doing. Also how he doesn't know what a kick-off is. Also the woman he is with is far too hot for him so she's obviously a beard.
Meanwhile the dragon-like creature trapped in some Hell dimension sends forth his Youma to feed on the energy of the football crowd. The demons' names are Noga (the hot one) and Tuiasosopo (the male. So maybe hot? But how am I to judge, not being gay and also not seeing how fat his scrumptious dick is?).
Oh Kevin! You're so silly! And gay!
The players get so heated at one point in the game that one of the players, J. Jamie Jameson, gets possessed by Noga. While doing this, Noga mentions the name of the trapped dragon-God: Sapolu. I don't recognize the name and I can't find much on the villain via a brief Internet search (mostly because Google is broken and not because I'm lazy). But it seems Guy battled this demon before he got his brain damage. I bet that'll be explained in a few pages!
See? There it is!
Guy can't remember why he knows Sapolu and he can't probe other people's minds with his Qwardian ring. So he probes his own mind and remembers! This all happened in Green Lantern #116!
Oh shit! I own this issue! But where might I have stored it?!
Nago knocks Guy unconscious which may or may not affect his personality due to his untreated traumatic brain injury from around the time of Issue #116 (was it in Issue #116? Is that why I harp on it so much? Does part of my unconscious remember reading this issue so very long ago?! The only thing I remember is that cover depicts what happened except Green Arrow thinks it's Hal charging his ring when it's really Guy (I think)). That leaves Hal to save the day by keeping the energy in the stadium to a minimum which will prevent Sapolu from breaking free of his dimensional prison.
Hal realizes he needs to stop the Miners from winning on the final play of the game. But they're the team he's rooting for (even though he actually loves the Rams. Jones' Mary Sue is very upfront in this one!). It's the only way to save the world! On the other hand, he still wants the team he's rooting for to win. He can't let all those gay Maroons fans celebrate a win that he caused! So he decides that maybe the Maroons can stop the Miners on the last play all by themselves!
So we've finally found it. The line Hal Jordan won't cross. He won't interfere with the results of a Superbowl. What a fucking hero.
Hal does decide to interfere at the last moment but his green blast, which everybody in the fucking world can see and should be shouting about how he tried to cheat the Miners out of a win after the game, is blocked by a yellow flag of the referee possessed by the male Youma with the mysterious but probably super fat dick.
The Miner's score the touchdown! They win the game! And Sapolu begins to break free after feeding on the energy of all the non-gay football fans across the globe! MINERS! MINERS! MINERS!
Hal realizes he needs to stop the Miners from winning on the final play of the game. But they're the team he's rooting for (even though he actually loves the Rams. Jones' Mary Sue is very upfront in this one!). It's the only way to save the world! On the other hand, he still wants the team he's rooting for to win. He can't let all those gay Maroons fans celebrate a win that he caused! So he decides that maybe the Maroons can stop the Miners on the last play all by themselves!
So we've finally found it. The line Hal Jordan won't cross. He won't interfere with the results of a Superbowl. What a fucking hero.
Hal does decide to interfere at the last moment but his green blast, which everybody in the fucking world can see and should be shouting about how he tried to cheat the Miners out of a win after the game, is blocked by a yellow flag of the referee possessed by the male Youma with the mysterious but probably super fat dick.
The Miner's score the touchdown! They win the game! And Sapolu begins to break free after feeding on the energy of all the non-gay football fans across the globe! MINERS! MINERS! MINERS!
Fuck you Steve Young and Jerry Rice! You've doomed the entire planet!
Guy wakes up to fight the demon after it squashes Hal Jordan into the turf. Turns out the Green Lantern ring isn't too effective against magic. So it's not the most powerful weapon in the universe then? Etrigan could easily set Hal Jordan on fire and Hal couldn't even touch the yellow demon. That's got to be a fight that's happened somewhere, right? Maybe I own the issue since I've got the entire run of the '90s Demon comic!
While Guy's fighting the demon, Hal uses his ring to pre-empt the end of the Superbowl with some Leave it to Skeeter. For some reason, this bores the entire world instead of making them even more invested in the images on the television. Weird.
Sapolu feels their strength waning and flees back into its dimension before it can be chained up again. By Green Lantern light. That is ineffective against magic. Um, anyway, Hal and Guy save the day! Yay!
Green Lantern #37 Rating: C. The "C" rating doesn't mean it was entertaining. It just means it was an obvious filler issue that didn't really have much of a point or theme. Gerard Jones really just wanted to put out a Superbowl story for the January issue (yeah, yeah. I know the cover says March! But that just means it hit stores in January! Duh! Maybe do some research on how magazines and comic books were dated for length of life on newsstands!). The best two parts of this issue were Noga's ass and Lacey Lovitz's ass. There might have been a third best part but Tuiasosopo never took off his pants.
While Guy's fighting the demon, Hal uses his ring to pre-empt the end of the Superbowl with some Leave it to Skeeter. For some reason, this bores the entire world instead of making them even more invested in the images on the television. Weird.
Sapolu feels their strength waning and flees back into its dimension before it can be chained up again. By Green Lantern light. That is ineffective against magic. Um, anyway, Hal and Guy save the day! Yay!
Green Lantern #37 Rating: C. The "C" rating doesn't mean it was entertaining. It just means it was an obvious filler issue that didn't really have much of a point or theme. Gerard Jones really just wanted to put out a Superbowl story for the January issue (yeah, yeah. I know the cover says March! But that just means it hit stores in January! Duh! Maybe do some research on how magazines and comic books were dated for length of life on newsstands!). The best two parts of this issue were Noga's ass and Lacey Lovitz's ass. There might have been a third best part but Tuiasosopo never took off his pants.
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