Oh, I know the 3rd Law! It's "If it's your first time in Green Lantern Corps, you have to Green Lantern."
Oh no. Tim Hamilton has been given the art duties! Remember a few issues ago where I was pretending to be a legitimate reviewer who totally isn't just an online bully and I was all, "Tim Hamilton's art reminds me of that time Katie Couric got a colonoscopy on live television." I also might have said something like, "Based on this art, Tim Hamilton must have invaded Poland at least once." It's possible I even summed it all up with "Peeeeeee-yuke!" But that was a different me! A disrespectful me! A me that doesn't exist because I was actually quite tame about my criticism of his art! I even pussed out and offered some warm fuzzies about his New Yorker cartoon career! Man, I've really turned into a chump in my middle to middle-late middle age!
This issue begins with The Floronic Man being killed by the Kraken's dreadlocks. I would scan the image so you could see exactly what I mean but I think you've already imagined it because of my eloquent description. Unless you don't know who The Floronic Man is. Then I can't help you. Instead of scanning in something useful, I'm going to show you something you never wanted to see in your life.
This issue begins with The Floronic Man being killed by the Kraken's dreadlocks. I would scan the image so you could see exactly what I mean but I think you've already imagined it because of my eloquent description. Unless you don't know who The Floronic Man is. Then I can't help you. Instead of scanning in something useful, I'm going to show you something you never wanted to see in your life.
I don't know what he's fucking but if I had to guess, based on his expression and earlier foreshadowing, I'd say a butthole made out of green light.
I'm sure most people who first read this comic book didn't base their guess on foreshadowing and simply based their guess on the following panel being placed directly in front of the previous panel:
I was going to say he was fucking The Floronic Man except I knew he wasn't because The Floronic Man is getting fucked by the Kraken's dreads.
From the first three pages of this comic book, I'd say Gerard Jones was sitting around flipping through whatever turned him on in 1992 (I'd guess Garfield comic strip collections but nobody gets arrested for loving those (for some reason)) and thought, "Hey! Green Lantern is green! And the Swamp Thing is like an elemental for The Green! There's probably something exciting there!" It's also possible that Gerard Jones asked Tim Hamilton what character he'd like to draw and Tim Hamilton, understanding his personal style all too well, responded, "The Floronic Man! It's why I draw every human to look just like him!"
I love that Tim Hamilton gave The Floronic Man wooden teeth. I get most Internet nerds would shove me in a locker for admitting that because it seems so fucking obvious. But I bet none of them ever thought about it before and then once they learned it, they just assumed they'd already knew that because it's so obvious and they have no ability to express how they didn't actually know something one time ever.
I'm going to scan some cheesecake panels of Hal Jordan and you're going to expect me to apologize to Tim Hamilton because badly drawn human beings don't usually make people warm in the crotch. And I would apologize but I'm getting lightheaded now that all my blood has moved to, um, other regions of my body.
I love that Tim Hamilton gave The Floronic Man wooden teeth. I get most Internet nerds would shove me in a locker for admitting that because it seems so fucking obvious. But I bet none of them ever thought about it before and then once they learned it, they just assumed they'd already knew that because it's so obvious and they have no ability to express how they didn't actually know something one time ever.
I'm going to scan some cheesecake panels of Hal Jordan and you're going to expect me to apologize to Tim Hamilton because badly drawn human beings don't usually make people warm in the crotch. And I would apologize but I'm getting lightheaded now that all my blood has moved to, um, other regions of my body.
It's probably Romeo Tanghal's inking that made Hal so hot here!
Here's something new I just learned: "KRIK" is the comic book sound effect for putting a middle-aged finger up your butthole!
How old is Hal Jordan? He must be in his 40s because I don't think you refer to being thirty when you're like thirty-three. Or even thirty-eight. Maybe thirty-nine. But that's actually forty. I think there's a mathematical proof that explains how that works, something along the lines of 39.99 repeating actually equals 40.
Hal Jordan puts on his Green Lantern kit and flies off to purchase a plane. Carol Ferris sits in bed in the motel room next door depressed because she's currently afraid to live her own life and waiting for Hal to start his and include her. Eventually she talks herself into getting the fuck out of bed and HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU CAN DRAW THIS KIND OF THING IN MAINSTREAM COMIC BOOKS?!
How old is Hal Jordan? He must be in his 40s because I don't think you refer to being thirty when you're like thirty-three. Or even thirty-eight. Maybe thirty-nine. But that's actually forty. I think there's a mathematical proof that explains how that works, something along the lines of 39.99 repeating actually equals 40.
Hal Jordan puts on his Green Lantern kit and flies off to purchase a plane. Carol Ferris sits in bed in the motel room next door depressed because she's currently afraid to live her own life and waiting for Hal to start his and include her. Eventually she talks herself into getting the fuck out of bed and HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU CAN DRAW THIS KIND OF THING IN MAINSTREAM COMIC BOOKS?!
I hope nobody else in this house just heard that KRIK.
Carol looks at herself in the mirror after getting dressed and calls herself a dog. If she looks like a dog, I must be into bestiality. Hopefully when I write my first novel, nobody takes the second half of that previous sentence and quotes it out of context in their articles about me.
Anyway, Carol heads out to get a make-over. She claims she's not doing it for anybody else but I have an inkling that somebody named "Rose" might be behind it a little bit.
Meanwhile on Kroef's Island, Thomas Kalmaku, otherwise known horribly by his best friend Hal Jordan as "Pieface," suffers the same fate as The Floronic Man. So I was wrong about Gerard Jones' reasons for writing this story being a revelation during a shit while high on mushrooms causing him to think, "The Green. The Green Lantern. oh my fucking god". He's just decided that The New Guardians haven't really been utilized and maybe it's time to just destroy the entire project by having them eaten by Kraken Dreads.
Hal Jordan has a three point plan for his day when this issue begins:
1. Buy a plane.
2. Find Arisia.
3. Fuck Arisia.
Carol Ferris also has a three point plan for the day:
1. Stop looking like a dog.
2. Call Deathstroke the Terminator and give him Rose's name and location.
3. Fuck Hal Jordan.
If I were Carol and/or Arisia, my plan for the day would be "Avoid Hal Jordan like Tess avoids contact with their father."
Parts 2 and 3 of Hal's plan might not sound icky to you if you don't know Hal and Arisia's history. But don't worry! Hal clears that up for any readers who were all, "I hope Hal finds his ex and fucks her 'til she comes strawberries!"
Anyway, Carol heads out to get a make-over. She claims she's not doing it for anybody else but I have an inkling that somebody named "Rose" might be behind it a little bit.
Meanwhile on Kroef's Island, Thomas Kalmaku, otherwise known horribly by his best friend Hal Jordan as "Pieface," suffers the same fate as The Floronic Man. So I was wrong about Gerard Jones' reasons for writing this story being a revelation during a shit while high on mushrooms causing him to think, "The Green. The Green Lantern. oh my fucking god". He's just decided that The New Guardians haven't really been utilized and maybe it's time to just destroy the entire project by having them eaten by Kraken Dreads.
Hal Jordan has a three point plan for his day when this issue begins:
1. Buy a plane.
2. Find Arisia.
3. Fuck Arisia.
Carol Ferris also has a three point plan for the day:
1. Stop looking like a dog.
2. Call Deathstroke the Terminator and give him Rose's name and location.
3. Fuck Hal Jordan.
If I were Carol and/or Arisia, my plan for the day would be "Avoid Hal Jordan like Tess avoids contact with their father."
Parts 2 and 3 of Hal's plan might not sound icky to you if you don't know Hal and Arisia's history. But don't worry! Hal clears that up for any readers who were all, "I hope Hal finds his ex and fucks her 'til she comes strawberries!"
"Don't publicize this, guys! I don't want anybody knowing what a huge sex pest I am!"
That ellipsis at the end of Hal's last statement means his thought continues in the next panel. Don't worry. He doesn't think, "That'll be so fucking hot!" But he does think, "That'll only complicate things for all of us." By "us," Hal means his brain and his dick, I think.
Don't worry! He hasn't found Arisia yet! He's talking about a plane! He just means the plane he's going to buy!
The New Guardians continue to be attacked by great big swathes of black tentacles. Tom survives with the help of Gloss. But after Harbinger drops by with The Floronic Man's head, she and Gloss are consumed by the black stuff. Tom, his wife, and The Floronic Man's head escape, probably so they can contact Green Lantern and replant The Floronic Man. There's also the rest of the New Guardians but, really, what the fuck are they going to do? They were supposed to be some kind of grand advancement in human evolution after Millennium but they were all but forgotten, really. I think they all just became grandiose babysitters watching over all of Earth's Indigo children. But I can't be sure because I was also one of those people who all but forgot them.
Carol loves her new look so I guess I'm happy for her. I prefer her old look but then I prefer old dogs from the '70s over power business woman of the '90s.
Carol loves her new look so I guess I'm happy for her. I prefer her old look but then I prefer old dogs from the '70s over power business woman of the '90s.
It's also possible I was simply won over by the underpants and side boob in the earlier panel.
Again, my opinion doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I'm all, "Ew! You look lame! I hate everything about your new look, Carol Ferris!" Because she likes it. The look also makes Hal spontaneously come in his pants.
That's twice Hal has orgasmed on-panel in this issue!
Right up until Hal saw Carol's new look, he was thinking about fucking the waitress. Just before he sat down to attempt to fuck the waitress, he was thinking about how he doesn't want to be tied down. But he was also wondering why he'd take the job back on Earth if he wanted to be totally free from commitments. It seems Hal just wants everything he doesn't currently have without any actual ties to bind him. Guy had Earth so Hal wanted it. Carol wanted to kill and eat him so he wanted Carol. Arisia has run away from the life she thought she wanted as a thirteen year old pretending to be a grown-ass woman and now Hal wants Arisia. No wonder this guy becomes a villain and then the Spectre.
Carol passes by confident in her own body and autonomy and suddenly Hal can't wait to own her.
Once Hal realizes he wants a relationship with Carol, he decides he must stop looking for Arisia. Just in case anybody was unclear as to why Hal really wanted to find her. He decides to tell Kilowog to find her because even if she needs help, Hal's help comes with multiple sex strings attached. And he wouldn't want to cheat on Carol! He also wouldn't want to cheat on Rose, probably, but I'm pretty sure Rose chose John Stewart in Mosaic #5. We'll find out for sure whenever I get to the short box with my Mosaic issues!
Meanwhile, Arisia is looking for Hal! She proclaims, "I need him." But does she really if she didn't even bother to use an exclamation point? While looking for Hal at the recently destroyed by Eclipso's eclipsed heroes Ferris Aircraft, Arisia is assaulted by a bunch of vines with the face of The Floronic Man. He (or Tom through him) declares, "We need you Green Lantern!" Looks like Carol and Hal won't be working out after all.
Green Lantern #32 Rating: A. This issue was just a lot of Hal and Carol thinking too much about where they currently are in life and what path they should be going down. Carol makes a decision to make Carol happy and, so far, seems to be sticking to it. Hal makes the decision to play the field and fly planes right up until his dick spies Carol and her new look. Then he throws his plans out the window. Look, I get it! Who wouldn't want to fuck the person who has an alternate persona that wants to murder you? That's basically the definition of arousing. I think that's why this was a "Prologue." Because Green Lantern didn't do anything. It was all Hal. Also, the New Guardians got fucked in most of their orifices while setting up the main "The Third Law" plot beginning next issue. Total prologue shit! And I love prologue shit!
Meanwhile, Arisia is looking for Hal! She proclaims, "I need him." But does she really if she didn't even bother to use an exclamation point? While looking for Hal at the recently destroyed by Eclipso's eclipsed heroes Ferris Aircraft, Arisia is assaulted by a bunch of vines with the face of The Floronic Man. He (or Tom through him) declares, "We need you Green Lantern!" Looks like Carol and Hal won't be working out after all.
Green Lantern #32 Rating: A. This issue was just a lot of Hal and Carol thinking too much about where they currently are in life and what path they should be going down. Carol makes a decision to make Carol happy and, so far, seems to be sticking to it. Hal makes the decision to play the field and fly planes right up until his dick spies Carol and her new look. Then he throws his plans out the window. Look, I get it! Who wouldn't want to fuck the person who has an alternate persona that wants to murder you? That's basically the definition of arousing. I think that's why this was a "Prologue." Because Green Lantern didn't do anything. It was all Hal. Also, the New Guardians got fucked in most of their orifices while setting up the main "The Third Law" plot beginning next issue. Total prologue shit! And I love prologue shit!
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