Green Lantern #39 (Early May 1993)

For a brief moment, I thought the guy looking up at Adam Strange had a laser attached to his head.

Look at Hal Jordan on that cover. Typical bro. He has the most powerful weapon in the universe, capable of creating whatever his mind can imagine, and his mind thinks up, "Punch them in their stupid faces!" Is he the worst Green Lantern ever? Don't answer that with "Well, yeah, he fucked a thirteen year old!" Forget that part! Just think about the other things wrong with him like his penchant for brawling and his love of space copping and his hatred of women and his need to control everything, even the little blue guys who also need to control everything. He's just the kind of guy a friend would introduce me to and I'd say, "No thank you. I don't need to be friends with my friends' friends."

This whole situation is like a Kobayashi Maru for Hal Jordan.

If Hal Jordan wants to save Aleea, he's got to battle the Qwardians and stop them from killing Olivia and the child. But you know Hal's instinct is to fight with the Qwardians against rule by a woman! I suppose, if Hal could be bothered to use his brain, he could probably just nab Aleea with his ring and portal everybody back to the Positronic Universe before anyone could stop them. Then he wouldn't have to choose sides. See? Geddy Lee and Rush knew how to beat the Kobayashi Maru: "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." I guess WOPR also gave the same advice to Ferris Bueller. And people wonder why Gen X turned out so apathetic. All of our heroes learned that the best way to win was to not try to win and avoid the game at all costs and maybe just throw a heater out of a window and run off across the cool grass after you've strangled the man who taught you how strong you were. That last lesson was actually supposed to be learned by Boomers but Ken Kesey didn't realize he was mostly talking to a bunch of assholes who loved the idea of becoming business idiots but didn't love the idea of dying in Vietnam. But their kids? Oh boy. Their kids were all told by their parents, "If America ever starts drafting youth again, I'm driving you to Canada personally." And then their parents lost their minds thanks to CNN's 24/7 coverage of both Iraq wars and then Fox News following it up with loads and loads of anger inducing stories that didn't matter in any way, shape, or form.

Dammit! I forgot they were after the orgasmic power created by the Orgone Accelerator AKA a baby.

I can't believe how easy it is to forget the power of "The only way to win is not to play." I could have finished out the rest of my life without ever reading Gerard Jones' Green Lantern run. Sure, sure. I have enjoyed a lot of it. But I didn't need all of these reminders of child sexual abuse! First there's Gerard Jones' name in every issue. Then there's Hal Jordan hunting down Arisia in the name of "helping" her. After that, Doctor Light attacks a family with loads of kids. And now Gerard Jones returns to the idea of Ergono Energy which is an anagram of Orgone Energy which is a New Age mystical energy that's all about sex and orgasms. And Gerard Jones made the baby on accelerator of that energy!

It's actually all pretty funny! In a, you know, surreal sort of way. A little pedo Dadaism. A cheeky close reading of a convicted sex pest's script. Jesus. I can't wait to get to some more wholesome comics like Frank Miller's Batman: The Dark Knight Returns!

Olivia uses the power of the Ergono to sap Hal's will, leaving him unable to make a decision. Since Hal's too indecisive to punch Olivia, Strange steps up and punches her. Meanwhile, the baby does some Rannian Karate on a Qwardian soldier.

"Da!"

Some of you might be thinking, "Isn't it kind of a leap to assume that Jones is equating the Ergono Energy with Orgone Energy? He's just using a term that another writer from the '70s came up with. And even if they came up with the term as an anagram for Orgone Energy, so what? Comics writers are weird, man! Especially during the '60s and '70s!" To you I answer, "I am never wrong and you shall feel my wrath for seven generations because of your doubt!" I also offer this panel as proof that Jones knew exactly what this energy was all about.

Those of you who have experienced an orgasm are now saying, "Oh, yeah. Okay. I see it." Those of you who haven't, I don't think you should be reading my blog.

Fuck. I'm only on page four!

Olivia tries to penetrate Adam Strange with a mind boner but somebody blocks her blast with one of the space saucers. It turns out to be Aleea! She's quite verbal for a baby. Although probably perfectly the right verbal level for a baby possessed by an entire race of aliens.

Hal has lost his will and thus his ability to act. Now the readers truly see how useless Hal Jordan's brain is and why he's only good at physical violence. But it's not just that he's a brawler for the love of brawling! Last issue, he made an impassioned speech about how the U-mind might be connected to that part of the mind that runs on instinct, the part of the mind that can't make instantaneous decisions. It's the part of the mind that athletes and fighter pilots need to train so that when they react at a moment's notice, they react correctly. Hal also tied this possible part of the brain into the creative side, something so deep that when artists create, they can never truly express where their ideas came from. Olivia has taken away Hal's ability to access that part of his brain. So now he's all self-doubt, lost in pondering every possibility, never committing to any action. This is Gerard Jones' explanation for why Hal Jordan is such a great hero, even if he's not the smartest or most imaginative of the Green Lanterns. It's because he acts and he usually makes the right call even when it seems like he's jumped in too quickly. Because he's trained that super special part of his mind. I think that's also where the Ergono Energy comes from which is why Hal wants to fuck every woman he sees and can't take them seriously as business partners or fellow soldiers in the Corps!

The Qwardians capture Hal when he's unable to fight back.

Ropes? You're telling me the Qwardians don't have massively huge spike technology?

This is the most disappointing crucifixion I've ever seen depicted being that there are no spikes through anything and Hal's not even upside down. But I do like how much his legs are spread. It gives me horny ideas. Is that wrong? The man is likely about to be killed by a mob and I'm thinking about how easy he'd be to suck off?

Hal's not helping me not think about sucking his dick.

Up on the cross, Hal tries to figure out the last time he felt so little confidence and willpower. It was when he was last blasted by the Ergono Energy which nearly killed him. After that, he was so low on himself and afraid of death that he allowed one of Green Arrow's progressive scoldings affect him to the core of his being, causing years and years of doubt!

Yeah, I'd spend years questioning myself too if one of my best friends said I was acting like a cop!

Jesus was all, "My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me?!" And Hal is all, "Ollie! Ollie! Why'd you have to call me a cop?!" Jesus was up on that cross for doing his best to help the weak and the poor. Hal found himself on a cross because he was into helping landlords. Practically the same guy!

There you go. First Jones explains the Guardians. Now Jones explains Hal.

Sure, the explanation leaves out all of Hal's flaws. But who wants his flaws? Like his gut telling him to drive drunk. And his gut telling him to fuck a 13 year old alien. And his gut telling him to never help Guy Gardner deal with his traumatic brain injury. And his gut telling him not to hire any female aliens for the Corps. Nobody wants those parts of Hal exposed! They just want to see him be pure gut instinct! Which, if I had to make a Tier List of Things to Drive Somebody's Decisions, would easily be, at best, F Tier.

Olivia begins lowering Hal into the crowd when Hal decides to stop fighting. He wants to feel the Ergono Energy! He wants to let it flow into him and out of his penis and then into Olivia and out her, um, wherever semen goes after that. Her butthole? I don't know female anatomy. Don't they have like three peeholes? Hal's trick backfires because as he says he wants Olivia, Olivia is all, "Oh, well, yeah, cool. I'll have you! I'll eat you whole, boy!" But then Baby Spectre comes forward to save the day.

Da!

While the baby and Olivia have an Ergono Off, Green Lantern breaks free from his crucifix. He finds his emotional strength and that emotion is willpower! Is that an emotion? It must be an emotion since all the other colored rings wind up being based on emotions. He attacks Olivia by, um, well. He, um, I mean he, you know. I'm just saying, I know Hal Jordan can aim his ring so this seems really deliberate.

He must still be hopped up on Orgone Energy.

After ass-fisting Olivia into submission (or regular fisting? Lady part locations confuse and intrigue me!), Hal destroys all of the Qwardians weapons of war. Baby Aleea becomes drunk on the Orgone Energy but the ghost of her mother appears and tells her, "You're too young for that power, dear. Wait until you're older and find somebody of an appropriate age." And everybody lived happily ever after. Except Carol. Because Hal has decided to refuse Carol's proposal and begin dating Olivia. Is it because she's hot and sexy and full of orgasm power? Probably.

Green Lantern #39 Rating: A. I rate these things by gut instinct. Not because I think gut instinct is something that works. Remember: F Tier! It's because doing things by gut instinct is the laziest excuse for doing something. You don't need to research anything or know anything or learn anything or believe anything. You can just go, "I want to fuck that horse!" And bam! Gut instinct was all, "Yeah, good thing you fucked that horse! You, like, saved the day or something." Anyway, that's why my ratings have no meaning. Because they come from my gut! Happy Five Days Before Halloween! Boo!