Thursday, May 26, 2016

Superman #52

Fucking Lois! Stop making everything about you and your scoop! You're putting people's lives in danger for your stupid story!

The Review!

The Commentary!
I've changed my mind about waiting to read Rebirth! I'm going to read it after reading this, Lois and Clark #8, and Justice League #50. I doubt it will spoil any of the other New 52 books coming to an end. And if it does, I'm sure I already have those endings figured out, being that I'm a Grand Master Comic Book Reader and all. I'd also like to get all of these read before the night is over, so I should probably just write about the comic book and not write about how I'm going to read the comic books. Especially since that information was so fucking boring.

New 52 Superman is currently engaged in the final battle of his life. Unless he gets to live to die in Rebirth. Or maybe he'll get to move on to Comic Book Purgatory with all the other failed characters who never had a chance. Some of them failed due to being stupid, while others (like New 52 Superman!) were written so poorly that the only merciful thing to do was to take them out behind the barn and shoot them in the face. The death of New 52 Superman is squarely on the shoulders of Scott Lobdell and Eddie Berganza.

The first half of this comic book is simply Superman and Impostor Superman punching each other while Imposter Superman continues to claim he's the real deal. I'm not sure the reason for this whole ex-con turned into Superman plot point. How does it relate to Doctor Omen and Chinese Superman and Superman's new power and the New Death of New 52 Superman? I suspect it's to set up the eventual return of New 52 Superman, just in case he needs to be brought back for some reason. If his FWASH Power releases sentient energy that is basically his memories and his personality, it can be used at a future point to return New 52 Superman to life. I don't know why anybody would want him back though. The DC Universe has plenty of Supermen to choose from and most of them are much more interesting than New 52 Superman. I'd rather have Electric Superman!

Impostor Superman beats up Superman and Supergirl and Wonder Woman and even Batman! But New 52 Superman isn't giving up the way he's already given up on trying to find a cure for his Kryptonite poisoning. He decides a good idea would be to take Impostor Superman into space. You know what? I have a better idea! What happened to Superman's usual go-to plan of throwing every problem into the Phantom Zone?!

New 52 Superman can't quite keep Impostor Superman in orbit so Preboot Superman arrives to lend a hand!

And maybe a dick? Is this position in the Kama Sutra?

Once they're all in orbit, New 52 Superman punches Preboot Superman in the face in the way Kryptonians apparently do to friends and new acquaintances. Somehow weak-ass dying New 52 Superman still has enough strength to knock out super, overpowered Preboot Superman with one punch! As a comic book nerd who is really fucking picky about what I will and will not believe, this strains the credulity of my comic book logic receptors! Have some internal consistency, comic book! In my version of this scene, New 52 Superman's hand would explode in a bloody, bony mess while Preboot Superman said, "What was that? I think a piece of paper hit me in the face!"

New 52 Superman uses his FWASH Power at the same time that Impostor Superman explodes from whatever chain reaction he was undergoing. New 52 Superman absorbs the explosion and plummets to Earth. But he doesn't die yet because Preboot Superman catches him so he can die in a more dignified way in Rebirth. Probably.

No wait! He gets to die here! He says goodbye to everybody and then turns into a man-shaped pile of ashes. I hope somebody remembers to throw those ashes into the sun so that Lex Luthor doesn't gather them up and turn them into something really entertaining.

After Superman dies, there's an epilogue showing a bunch of supporting cast members and their reactions to his death. Noticeably absent is Shay Veritas, Omniologist! And Krypto! Lois gets a full page because she's now writing Superman's biography. I wonder if DC Comics would let me write that! I know I could do it because Lois Lane is an awful writer and I've had loads of practice writing terrible things!

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