Friday, May 20, 2016

Bloodlines #2

Since the bloody "s" is part of the title, is that other drop part of it too? Is this really Blooodlines?

The Review!
Last issue we learned the names of the main characters and their defining, stereotypical, and often meant-to-be-super-surprising trait. Eddie has a disability! Haley is a tough-as-nails mechanic! Blake is a dick cop! The genius kid is a genius! Dana is a not-like-other-females female vlogger! Faith loves to shop! This issue, we get to learn the super powers that go with those character traits! The disabled kid is super abled! Haley's tough-as-nails exterior becomes a tough-as-nails Wolverine-esque defense! The dick cop can blow things up! The vlogger is electric or something! The little shopper Faith is super greedy and can manifest a demon to get everything she wants! I think that makes her the villain. Or my sister. Genius kid Albert gains invisibility because nobody ever notices him and he has no friends. Probably. So that's it! We've learned so much about these characters in two issues that we should all know whether or not we want to continue reading about them! I know I do! I mean, I know I will, at least, since I read all of DC's books. Is that a positive review? Good try, J.T. Krul! I mean job! Not try! Maybe. Whatever. It's better than Green Arrow #1-3, if that says anything.

The Commentary!
This is a brand new comic book with brand new characters so please forgive me when I call them all by incorrect names. Even though I'm a genius (never mind my IQ! Those tests aren't calibrated for my level of smartiness!), my brain can only capacitate the capacity for a certain amount of capacitiousness. Fuck you, Trump! I have all the best words!

The girl on the cover might be Faith because that's a name I remember from last issue. Her mother was the one with the ass that made the service station man go crazy with boy juice. And we all know what happens when a guy goes crazy with boy juice! They disappear in another room for about thirty seconds and then wash their hands. At least I hope they wash their hands. I'm not going to talk about the way Faith is stirring my boy juice because she looks a little young. I wish artists would stop making young characters look like adult females because then I feel weird jerking off while thinking about them. But I remind myself that they're fictional characters and don't actually have an age and, besides, comic book artists don't know how to draw young girls. They only know how to draw sex objects. So if I'm attracted to the looks of a comic book character who is underage, it's the artist's fault! Some artists actually draw children who look like children and I hardly ever think they look sexy.

After that paragraph, I can probably wave goodbye to anybody who began following me because Gail Simone sometimes reblogs my Secret Six reviews!

Seriously though! You can tell I wasn't being serious earlier because I now started a paragraph that began "Seriously though!" Look at that cover. She's obviously a young girl based on her school uniform and her lack of secondary sexual characteristics (e.g. boobs. i.e. tits, titties, mammaries, breasts, pretty much any word ending in -as (as long as you cup the air in front of your chest with both hands)). But that face screams adult woman! I think it's mainly the dead, unfeeling eyes.

The issue begins with somebody talking about faith, so I think maybe I recognized a character and her name! Go my brain! I would spike you if I wasn't so afraid of what a concussion might do to my professional writing skills!

Who puts up a Van Halen poster for the 1998 version of Van Halen?! I hate that kid.

Cerebral Palsy Incredible Hulk is currently at the funeral for his friend Graham who was rutted to death by a super-villain deer. After the funeral, Graham's football buddies decide to blame Graham's death on Eddie (that's the kid I hate's name! I didn't remember it. It was finally used in dialogue). I think it's just an excuse for the football bros to beat on the skinny disabled kid. I don't think of his cerebral palsy as his disability. His taste in music is his disability.

While Eddie hides in the cemetery trying not to yell, "Eddie Smash!", Dana continues her fascinating video blog about her last year of school. Today, she's teaching people about make-up! Dana acted like her family had money so I don't understand why she's using a USB webcam! When is the last time anybody needed one of those? Computers have built in cameras now, Dana! Also phones have them. And watches. And food from Taco Bell. They're everywhere! I bet half the readers don't even recognize the webcam! They're probably all, "What's that?! Is that the Bloodlines thing that infected everybody? Look out, Dana! Look out!"

But I'm not finished! I mean, you're not finished!

I wonder if J.T. Krul hates his character Dana? She's exactly the kind of person his Green Arrow would be trying to throw in jail! How dare she think expressing herself on the internet was equal to somebody writing comic books? What a super-villain!

Hmm. Maybe I should like Dana instead of hating her instantly! We have so much in common! Although she said she didn't like pink and I love pink. You know what? Fuck her. I hope she's the first to die.

Um, anyway, Dana has electrical powers. I should probably note that here so I can remember it.

If you were wondering when J.T. Krul was going to get to the scene where a guy gets his comeuppance for hitting on a girl who obviously doesn't want to be hit on, you're in luck! Because Haley has an encounter with a guy who just won't take "No thanks. I'm good" for an answer! He winds up discovering (along with Haley) that her new superpower is Wolverine claws! But they come out of her body from her piercings. Or just from wherever. This is also a good time to remember that Haley and Dana aren't like other women! That makes them more interesting, I guess. And more insulting to the readers!

Blake, the dick cop, learns he's The New 52 Gunfire! Lucky!

Next we learn about Faith and I don't find her sexy at all anymore!

Christ. She's supposed to be what? Seven?

No wait. I think she must be twenty-six. Right?

This reminds me of that Bryan Adams' song that goes, "Baby you're all I need! When I'm lying there in your arms. I find it hard to're just seven." By the way, did anybody ever arrest him for that?

So, I guess Faith is the villain of the story! What a selfish brat! Or selfish young adult? Ugh. Whatever. Comic book artists, you are generally terrible.

Albert the genius kid who is a genius appears out of nowhere later that night to suggest creating a team of superheroes to Eddie! Albert gained the power of invisibility because he's a genius. Or because nobody ever notices him at school. Because he's a genius. Just remember he's a genius. It'll be important later for when J.T. Krul needs a character to come up with a plan that doesn't actually make sense. Then just remember Albert is a genius and you'll go, "Well, I guess that's why the plan works! Who am I, a stupid fucking idiot comic book reader, to question a person I've been told multiple times is a genius?!"

The book ends with an urban hunter named Duncan arriving on the scene to tell everybody it's the end of the world. I don't mean he's urban because he's black. I mean he's an urban hunter because he's one of those guys who solves problems in end of the world scenarios by killing bad guys and not a rural hunter who hunts deer. Although he probably should hunt at least one deer in this comic book. No, wait. Eddie already killed that deer. Never mind.

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