Friday, May 27, 2016

Lois and Clark #8

Do I really need to read the rest of these Prebirth stories now that I've read Rebirth?

The Review or Whatever!
I'm paying the price for making a joke about listening to Hallelujah while reading Justice League #50 because the song has been stuck in my head all day. Of course, I don't really know the lyrics so I've been making up my own. Things like "The cat is hungry, here she comes! She wants to bite off both my thumbs! She's down beneath my feet just trying to trip me! Pelafina! Pelafina! Pelafina!" That's my cat's name and not a nonsense word I made up. She's named after the mother in House of Leaves. I guess I'll just have to live with this song being a part of my life until I die.

I hope we learn the name of Superman's cat in this issue. Every other panel, somebody is all, "Ranger this! Ranger that!" But is anybody interested in the cat? Fuck no. Assholes. Although I don't think it matters anymore because the pets were dropped to their deaths in The Final Days of Superman story.

Jon has recently discovered he has superpowers and his father is Superman. Now he's going to be impossible to be around, just like every other kid who thinks they're special. I always hated those kids because they wouldn't stop talking about how special they were to listen to me tell them how special I was. Jerks.

Preboot Superman has rushed off to battle Hyathis who is cuckoo for Oblivion Stones. Apparently Superman has half of one in his Prison of Semi-Solitude. The other half was eaten by Hank Henshaw. Although he must have passed it since then because it's in his pocket.

Superman fights off Hyanthis who decides this fight might go better in the Afterbirth Universe. Superman goes back home leaving Hank with one half of the Oblivion Stone so that he can eventually become a menace.

Back home, Clark and Lois finally have the talk with Jon. The same talk Ma and Pa Kent had with little Clark years ago. So you know I don't mean the sex talk, right? It's the one about coming from space. But before, Ma and Pa Kent had to say, "You came from outer space, son." Now Clark and Lois get to say, "We came from outer space, son." They might even add, "And it's all your fault!"

This scene feels like a big fuck you to the writers of Arrow!

You know how sometimes you can get annoyed when somebody likes the thing you like but they like it in a different way than the way you liked it? And you're all, "You're liking it wrong!" That's how I feel about the way everybody hates Arrow. They're all hating it for the wrong reasons! They should have hated it long before Laurel was killed or Felicity and Oliver broke up (they should have hated it for them being together, actually!)! That show is a mess! The writing is about on par with a third rate soap opera. Every conflict is simply, "You lied to me! I hate you!" Then later that person loses somebody in their life because they lied to them! And then somebody lied to that person so they go ahead and write that person off. It never ends! Nobody understands why somebody might keep something from them! Everybody expects that they're the one person that should always know the truth! It was so bad in the last three episodes (I don't remember exactly what happened in which episode because I watched them all about the same time) that Felicity's mom was upset that Laurel's dad (I'm horrible at remembering names!) was going to lie to the police review board about not knowing Laurel was Black Canary. Who the fuck cares?! Get over it, you asshole! Let him lie to get his job back because that shit doesn't matter! I get that it matters on some stupid "we're on a television show and we have to make a point about how disrespectful it is to deny Laurel's heroic life!" or some shit. But holy fuck, I would have ended the relationship right there because that lie doesn't fucking matter! Oh, and god forbid somebody doesn't get the point that the last episode is all about hope! Better put in a mention about hope every fourth sentence or the audience might not get that Arrow is inspiring the people of the city and giving them hope! Fuck, he even gets them to calm down and feel hope with a nuclear warhead twenty seconds from vaporizing them. Talk about a time to actually have no fucking hope! The people of Star City are fucking morons.

Spoiler alert: Jon isn't trying to shit his pants in the above panel. He's trying to fly. And he does! Yay! And the series is over! And they never fucking mentioned the cat! Dan Jurgens, I hate you. You better make this right! I mean, maybe you didn't even know the Whites had a cat! I mean, a cat never made an appearance in this comic book before (I don't think). The cat was only seen in Action Comics by Tomasi and Eaglesham. I think maybe Eaglesham made the cat up! I bet the cat wasn't even in Tomasi's script! If that's the case then I think Eaglesham is my kind of guy! Fuck Ranger! I hope he gets hit by a semi! Bring back the nameless cat, Jurgens! Or else!

I don't know what my "or else" may be but it probably has something to do with me seething quietly and never actually doing anything about it until I totally forget I was mad about something.

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