Friday, May 27, 2016

Justice League #50

John Romita Jr. is the worst. I submit this cover as proof.

The Review or Whatever!
The Darkseid War is finally ending! Now the only thing to do is decide which shitty version of that shitty song "Hallelujah" to play during the final pages! I'm going to cue one up on YouTube to start playing as I get to the denouement! I'm choosing Kelly Clarkson's version!

Since Wonder Woman is giving her version of events since the beginning of The Darkseid War, how about I give you my version?! The Darkseid War begins with Darkseid dying. But that didn't end the war! That only started it! See, you were probably thinking, "The Darkseid War? That must be a war against Darkseid!" But you're stupid because what you should have been thinking is, "The Darkseid War? That must be a war caused by the death of Darkseid!" So after that happened, Geoff Johns threw together a bunch of plot points he came up with while high on cough syrup, like making The Flash into Death and making Lex Luthor into New Darkseid and making Batman into the Laziest Fucker in the Universe. After all of those plots coalesced into whatever the next phase of The Darkseid War was, it was time for the Justice League to stop the guy who killed Darkseid, the Anti-Monitor! To do that, they needed to recruit Superbaby! But he hadn't been born yet so they brought Superwoman to give birth in the middle of the battlefield. But she was too slow giving birth because she refused to take off her pants and so Super Horny Steve Trevor arrived and killed the Anti-Monitor instead. Which was totally unexpected because why should plot threads actually mean anything when you can just write whatever you want into the story? Only losers retain cause and effect in their fiction!

So now the Justice League find themselves battling Grail and Steve Trevor instead of Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor. I totally guessed this was how it was going to end! I mean, of course I didn't, but I wanted to sound cool and smart for once in my life.

Come on, Diana. You know what he's asking for. What always put Steve instantly to sleep in the past? That's right! Wonder Hand Job!

Oh! I just thought of more proof for why John Romita Jr. is the worst! Here's a quote by him from his All-Star Batman interview: "Gotham is always a moody place. I love the reality and the grit of the place. It's like New York, but not New York, you know?" Fucking insightful, dude! I mean, I just never thought of it that way! He's like totally right and shit!

Now it's time to play a little game I like to call "Why DC Comics Probably Totally Needed To Rebirth Itself!" The Green Lantern Corps appear to help defeat Grail which causes a little bit of confusion over the entire continuity of the DC Youniverse. And Hal is apparently still a member with a normal ring and everything! So is this all before Superman lost his powers and the Green Lanterns disappeared? I suppose if you were a bigger nerd than I am, you could figure out when they got back from the other universe while Superman was still alive and had powers. But I don't really care. The people who do care eventually just kill themselves. Like the person who was running Canonology, a site that tried to piece together every story and put it along a single timeline. I don't know for certain that they killed themselves but I know I would have. The page hasn't been updated since March 2014. I suspect the Canonology's neighbors found the body by now.

Superwoman reveals that the father of her child is Alexander Luthor from Earth-3. I guess that makes the baby Reverse Shazam or something. Although when Superwoman says "Mazahs!" and the lightning hits the baby, the baby doesn't turn into a grown man wailing and pawing at her tits for some reason. How come Billy Batson gets a man's body when he transforms but Superbaby is stuck in his stupid baby shell? Even if he's got all the power in the universe, I don't think he's going to be very effective. All it takes is for one super powered person to curb stomp him and he's done.

Grail just became the most likeable character in this book in my eyes! The number of times I wish I could have done this in public spaces!

Next, The Flash and Black Racer are separated so that Geoff Johns can remind everybody that he thought up this idea of Flash literally outracing death. See how I used literally there, kids? That's the proper way to use it. Nobody ever needs to say, "I literally just ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." Of course, if saying "I just ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich" is actually something sexual on Urban Dictionary then I take it back. Then you really do need to add literally to that.

Shazam loses his "Power of All Gods" too which leaves him with just the "Power of Some Gods". How is everybody losing their powers? Grail is using the Baby as a laser weapon. Every time she points it at somebody and blasts them with it, they return to normal. So I guess that's how Batman is finally going to be convinced to get out of his Goddamned chair. Who knew all you had to do was point a baby at him?

I don't know. I just...I don't fucking know what Geoff Johns thinks binary is and how it can change by adding the number "fear" to it.

Jessica gets control of her body for one second and saves The Flash's life by intervening and getting groped by death herself. She dies. Or, more probably, Volthoom dies. Now she just needs to get back in control of her body so she can star in Green Lanterns Rebirth #1.

The Justice League regroups and attacks Grail all at once. Batman is still sitting in that motherfucking chair.

Grail's Baby Laser absorbs the Anti-Life Equation from Steve Trevor after Batman points out he wasn't the first man to step foot on Paradise Island. And when the baby absorbs the Anti-Life Equation, it turns into Darkseid. I wonder if it's Darkseid but with the mind of a baby? I hope so because that means there's a better than average percent chance that Darkseid shits himself.

What is it with comic book artists so often relying on hiding feet behind rubble or some shit? I know they can draw feet (well, most of them) so why are they so adverse to drawing feet standing on the ground? Do better, artists. I'm tired of seeing characters standing in holes in the ground.

Hal lets Bruce borrow his Green Lantern Ring so that Bruce can get a boost of willpower to get out of the chair. It works but now Hal is helpless. Luckily Barda chooses that moment to return from Apokolips with the Female Furies and Kalibak and Steppenwolf. As soon as Batman gets out of the chair, Owlman gets into it because he's desperate to do everything Batman does. Grid ditches Cyborg's body and enters the chair before Owlman BOOM Tubes away. He probably won't be back until Afterbirth.

Some more fighting takes place but none of it matters. Apparently all it takes, according to Batman, is for Grail to separate the Anti-Life Equation from Darkseid. Which then...well, I don't know. I guess that's the final answer to ending the battle which needed many different answers to end different parts when the battle changed from being one thing to being a totally different thing. Like battling Darkseid and then battling the Anti-Monitor and then battling Steve Trevor and then battling a baby and then battling Baby Darkseid and then battling Grail's self-esteem. Ultimately though, it turns out Grail had severe Mother Issues. And there's no place in the DC Youniverse for a character with Mother Issues. It's all Daddy Issues up in this house. So Grail disappears in a puff of logic.

Is it time for me to start playing Hallelujah yet? I think probably!

Oh god! It's so terrible! But it totally works over the denouement! I knew it would! It seems to work over the denouement of everything! Especially shitty dramas with a touch of melancholy! Like every CSI ever! And all of the clones!

See? Just play Hallelujah over this page! Totally works. In that horrible way that adding a song people find emotional to a montage seems to work for mediocre people.

Oh, and see? Jessica is fine! And now instead of being shitty old Power Ring, she's a real Green Lantern! Although for some reason, the ring gives her a man's Green Lantern outfit. Where is all the skin, Jessie?!

Barda returns to the Furies and it's really emotional for some reason! Oh yeah! Enough of that crap. I'm shutting off the song!

Darkseid is not trapped in the body of a baby and being raised by a powerless Grail. So now Darkseid is going to have Mommy Issues! DC Afterbirth is going to be such a different place! No more Daddy Issues! Only Mommy Issues from here on out! I can't wait because those are my kinds of issues!

Lex Luthor returns to Apokolips to start a revolution. For some reason. I guess he saw a money making opportunity. Plus he's getting a new Superman-inspired set of battle armor!

Batman reveals the answer to the question "What's the Joker's real name?"

I told you it didn't matter, angry Tumblr user who called me arrogant because I said we would never be told who The Joker really was and Geoff Johns would think up some bullshit reveal that would show Batman didn't learn his name. So suck it! Also, Hal, Batman actually said, "That's not possible," dumb dumb.

Wonder Woman learned from Myrina's dying words that she has a twin brother! She doesn't know what happened to the baby but somehow she knows it was named Jason. Also she hinted that the island is full of lies or something. Whatever.

Those were a lot of epilogues but they weren't the most important one! The most important one was of Owlman sitting in his new chair speaking with Metron on the moon. Just as Owlman's about to learn the secret of everything, somebody appears and turns him and Metron to dust! Oh no! Who could it be?! Who has returned to set DC Afterbirth into motion?! I really hope it's Ambush Bug.

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