Saturday, April 2, 2016

Deathstroke #16

I'm already over the Martha jokes.

Rating: This comic book isn't worth reading. You know when it was worth reading? Back when Rob Liefeld was writing and drawing it. Oh boy! That was so much fun! No wait. That wasn't worth reading either. But it was fun writing about it! Deathstork needs another revamp that goes a lot further than making him younger and his balls smoother.

• To me, the worst thing about the "Martha? What do you mean Martha?!" scene in Batman Loves Superman is that it makes a mockery of the exact moment of the film that should be a revelation to Batman. It just shows what kind of a tone deaf director Zack Snyder is and how he has nobody around him willing to edit him. Because from that one scene alone, I can picture the moment he discovered that Clark and Bruce's mothers shared the same name. A really dim fucking light bulb went off over his head and he pulled a notebook from his shirt pocket to scribble, "Sperman and Bathman finds out mothers both Martha. MINDS BLOWN!" And that was it. He based a fucking movie on that scene. I went into this movie ready for the worst because I hate when heroes battle each other. But I was surprised that by making Superman such a careless asshole in Man of Steel, the premise works in this movie. How could nobody in the production of this movie pull Zack Snyder aside and tell him to make that scene more powerful. Drop the whole "Martha" angle and let Lois get there a tiny bit sooner. Let Lois show her love and concern for the human behind the alien. Let Batman see Superman's humanity without this clunker of a revelation that Zack thought was a mind blowing coincidence that the entire movie could turn on. That scene should have been emotional. Instead it's become an internet meme.

• Still, it doesn't ruin the movie for me because I'm not a four year old.

• This issue begins with a flashback scene to show what an asshole friend Rose Wilson can be. Some dick named Lawman shows up at her door, tells her that her friend is going to betray her, and Rose allows him to kill her friend without any more evidence than a dick with skullhead and a lousy nickname tells her so. She and her father deserve each other. I don't think Rose knows her brother's actual name either!

• Deathstroke is still young because that's another dim bulb idea that some other asshole thought would be an exciting development. Instead it's meant nothing and done nothing to make the writing on Deathstork any better. I guess DC doesn't think old characters sell. Well, guess what, DC? Uninteresting characters don't sell either!

• This issue is called "Blood From A Stone" so I guess Etrigan is going to emerge from Cyborg's butthole.

• Red Hood has been hired to "kick Deathstork's ass". I didn't realize he was in the Contract Ass-Kicking business.


• Why is there an accent on "Douchéstroke"?

• While Douchéstork battles Red Hood, he thinks about gunslingers and takes a shot at Wild Bill Hickok for playing poker with his back to the saloon's entrance. It misses, though, because Hickok was 39 when slain and I have to think that's a pretty ripe age for a gunslinger. Also, Hickok apparently tried to change seats several times but everybody else at the Poker Table wanted to be gunslingers who lasted.

• Douchéstork loves to Narration Box during battle. It's a good thing he does or else the reader wouldn't understand why Douchéstork doesn't defeat Red Hood in two panels. I just love reading a character's internal monologue of excuses for sucking.

• Playing a game? Red Hood expressly told you that he was paid to kick your ass, dum-dum.

• Red Hood's pistols smoke like a blunderbuss. He should have them checked out. Twentieth century guns should not smoke like that.

• Douchéstork is beaten by Red Hood. Normally that wouldn't happen in his own comic book but Douchéstork has a few pages of Narration Boxes to explain why it happened this time.

• Douchéstork mentions how his daughter was kidnapped and Red Hood begins to soften up. Not enough to stop trying to beat the shit out of a guy bleeding to death. But it helps to build their relationship for later after Red Hood regains consciousness from being blown up by a rocket launcher shot by Victor Ruiz from inside a helicopter that's come to rescue Slade. Suspension of disbelief, don't fail me now!

• Victor has information on Rose's location. After the last two locations Victor gave Douchéstork were basically deathtraps, it's no surprise Douchéstork decides to investigate the third location. He and Victor head into Copper Cliff, Montana, to look for Rose while leaving Red Hood in the helicopter so he can save them after they fall into the trap.

• Guess what? It's a trap! Slade is stabbed in the back by Victor after confronting Snakebite after which Rose and Lawman appear to finish him off. I sure hope Red Hood wakes up soon!

• No I don't. That was a lie. I hope Douchéstork is killed.

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