Batman and Robin Eternal #26

Hooray! Four less comics to buy in April!

Rating: Well that's that! Don't let the bat-door hit you on the way out! I don't have much more to say than my irreverent comments that follow except maybe this: Dick should have become Batman at the end of this. I think it's time for a better, younger, tighter-assed (literally not metaphorically!) Batman! Batman, with his memory intact, could have passed the cowl to Dick and gone back to Julie Madison and the community center. That could have become a new comic book, something like Box Office Poison where it just relies on people and their relationships rather than crazy Gotham villains murdering innocents. Bruce could have fired Alfred for being such a dick while Bruce had amnesia which could begin another comic book series where Alfred spirals into darkness until he gets a job playing the organ at the local roller rink. I wonder if DC would give me a job writing that comic book? The other comic book that should have come out of this series is the one starring Harper, Cullen, Stephanie, and Cassandra and has a theme song similar to The Facts of Life.

• Harper remembers a moment with her mother that probably never really happened the way Harper remembers it. I don't remember ever having a touching moment like that with either of my parents! Parents don't say loving, intimate, hopeful shit like that, do they? DO THEY?!

• Instead of killing Cassandra like nobody but Dick Grayson and Mother thought Harper might do, Harper throws the knife into Mother's machinery and disrupts Operation Make Teenagers Worse Than They Already Are.

• Harper kicks Mother's ass while telling Mother "You don't know me!" Fucking Shakespearean, man! That wasn't sarcastic. You've seen Romeo and Juliet, right? It's basically three hours of "You don't know me!"

• Fucking Loot Crate advertisement. How about I spend money on things I actually want instead of paying a monthly subscription to experience the slightest amount of excitement by opening a present full of the same shit thousands of other people are also opening so that they can be unique specimens of geekdom. I should start Grunion Guy Box! For a small fee, I'll send you some of my extra crap I have lying around the house that I don't fucking care about anymore! Some old Magic cards! A painted ceramic van! An old digital camera! A Badtz-Maru paper organizer!

• The good guys think they've won. But then Mother gets the upper hand! But then the good guys get the upper hand! But then Mother gets the upper hand! But then the good guys get the other hand! But then...you know what? It probably goes on like this for a few more pages before the good guys ultimately get the upper hand and win the day. How about we just assume that's the case and move right on to the denouement?

• I know Midnighter is gay but I think he and Catwoman would make a cute couple. Maybe they can use Catman as a third party male-to-female connector?

• Mother goes all Bond villain and destroys her headquarters by flooding it with lava. I know that's not the denouement but it's practically the end of the back and forth. All that's left is for Cassandra to beat Mother's ass without killing her and everybody will nod in tandem, understanding exactly what that means. I would say what it means because I totally know but I don't want to spoil the learning experience of other people who haven't figured it out yet.

• Dick is robbed of humiliating Mother by putting her through the American judicial system because Orphan comes back from being dead to kill Mother.

• See? I knew the denouement would be good. Too bad DC thinks the action parts are the best parts of the comic book. This book should have been less end battle and more after battle celebration.

• The story gets an epilogue with Harper and Batman. It's about time Batman got a non-flashback moment in this comic book! You would have thought he was dead or something.

• Harper tells Batman that her life is her own life. Isn't that what Batman was trying to tell her from the beginning?

• Harper decides to go to college instead of being a super hero. Isn't that what Batman wanted for her from the beginning?

• I don't think Harper realizes what a gift Batman gave her. By not taking her on as a sidekick, he allowed her to make her own choices. Even when she still chose to be a sidekick. Which he allowed her to do because it was her choice. And now she's choosing to give it up for awhile. Basically she's been living her life the way she chose. Just like Batman always wanted for her from the beginning.

• Cassandra takes the name Orphan and becomes a member of the Bat-family.

• Even Batman needs somebody to tell him he did the right thing now and then. What a needy bitch.

• Batman gives Dick a verbal hug and a pound of Warm Fuzzies. What is this? Earth-Not-Main Earth? Whichever Earth is the one where Batman can talk about his feelings?

• Batman and Robins jump off the building to go fight crime. And Batman doesn't even have to remind Red Hood not to kill anybody! The end!