Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Lois and Clark #7

This reminds me of a skin tag story I've yet to tell but probably won't have time to get to in this commentary. So forget I even mentioned it.

The Review!
Are we still pretending that I actually give a damn about reviewing these comic books?! I'm just an old person trying to remember the plot of fifty or more comic books every month and this is how I do it! But some people think review sites should actually review comic books so I keep up the fucking pretense! Here I go. This comic book is about Superman and Lois Lane and their son, Stupidfuck. It is probably not worth spending any amount of your finite life reading but then what actually is? If you like comic books with Superman written by a robot built in 1986 that hasn't been updated since, you may feel this is adequate distraction from your helter-skelter, headlong sprint toward the grave. I do know that I won't regret having read it if I'm given any time to have regrets because I'm languishing with some mortal illness. But that's just because I also read Ann Nocenti's Katana. That will be the thing I'll be regretting on my day of death. That and probably not dropping more LSD.

The Commentary!
My battle with the Weird Science Comics Blog is really heating up now! One of them has come at me really aggressively with all of this "Let's Play Nice" bullshit that I'm totally seeing right through! He saw that my plan was to forget about them and then he followed me on Twitter and commented on some of my Tumblr posts just to remind me that he exists and to pretend that he's a nice guy! And yet he purposefully and consciously foiled my plan of forgetting about them! What an evil genius mastermind of evil! Now I must forget about my plan to forget about them and work to destroy them forever! But first I'm going to read Lois and Clark #7!

Although do I really have time to read comics now that I must work to wipe pure evil off of the face of the Earth? Oh, of course I do! Even the mightiest of paladins must take the occasional break from their righteous quests! And who's a more mighty paladin than me?! So I'll take some really mighty breaks! After I read Lois and Clark #7, I'll probably play some Call of Duty!

Why must parents always lie to their children?

Two of the stupidest things DC has tried to convince their readers are unanswerable questions are who's fastest between Flash and Superman and who would win in a fight between Batman and Superman. We all know that Flash is faster no matter how DC wants to present Superman as the most powerful person ever and in every way imaginable. And we all know that Batman could never actually match Superman. Sure, Batman might reduce his heart rate and respiration and fall to the ground as if dead and Superman will be all "No! I didn't mean to kill you!" as he rushes to Batman's side where Batman proceeds to shove a Kryptonite shiv into Superman's liver. But if it were a life and death battle for Lois Lane's life, Superman might just have to fry Bruce with his heat vision from orbit. Better not to take any chances. And now that I think about it, I suppose if Superman were allowed to run the race against Flash in the same way Dick Dastardly was always allowed to run in the Wacky Races, he could probably beat The Flash. Right before the starter gun goes off, Superman can use his FWASH power to incinerate The Flash. Sure, Superman would lose his powers for 24 hours but at that point, he could just walk to the finish line. Although if The Flash is paying attention, he can outrun the FWASH explosion (by running backwards so he doesn't get a false start and get disqualified) and then run back to beat Superman easily. So I think The Flash would win no matter what. Or he could just time travel after losing, put some Kryptonite Marshmallows in Superman's breakfast before the race, and then beat Superman because Superman is dead.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it depends on the writer and the editor telling the story but if Superman beat Flash or Batman beat Superman, readers that day would set the world record for most people doing the Hand Jive at the same time. Although technically they'd just be making jerking off motions but nobody would have to tell Guinness that.

Jon agrees with me that Flash should be faster but for stupid kid reasons like things being fair and shit. What a little jerk! I hope he's forced to go on a play date with New 52 Danny Chase.

So, Jon discovered he has super powers last issue because he's got to be ready for joining the Teen Titans in Rebirth. He should fit in great because I already hate the little noseminer. Just to be clear, I don't hate him for any actual reason. It's pure bias on my part.

Meanwhile, Superman finally deals with the reality television drama that was only in the plot to delay him so that Jon could show off his powers and he's off to help save his family.

Welp, the Superman is out of the bag.

While Clark and Lois explain where they're from to their son, Clark mentions that their old universe is gone. Well, that can't be right! I thought they went back in time with Parallax and Flash and they stopped the Crisis on Infinite Earths from happening. I figured they chose to live in the New 52 universe because Golden Age Superman, after surviving Crisis thanks to the current retcon, decided to take up living on silver age Superman's Earth. Oh, who can tell! Hopefully Rebirth #1 is just a long note telling the fans that all of the stories ever told by DC are true and if any of them contradict any others then it's the fault of the reader's inability to see how they don't actually contradict.

The issue ends with Hyathis searching for half of the Oblivion Stone which is in Superman's Prison of Semi-Solitude. I guess that fight should end this series and then it's on to Rebirth where bearded, experienced, acts-like-Superman Superman will take over for fresh corpse Superman?

1 comment:

  1. Wow,a DC cover ripping off the Neal Adams Mandroids from his run on Avengers. DESPERATE/PATHETIC