Friday, April 29, 2016

Aquaman #51

Pickle Boy Comic Book Fact #1: Covers with Aquaman being beaten to a pulp sell more copies than covers where he looks triumphant.

The Review!
I hope Cullen Bunn's friend doesn't comment on my review of this comic book because he's so fucking boring! He's always all, "Pretentious bullshit, pretentious bullshit, defend Cullen Bunn's version of Twat Lobo and Aquacarter of Mars." It's like he doesn't understand satire, sarcasm, parody, and whatever the fuck I'm actually doing which isn't any of those things I just wrote but I'd like to think are those things because they sound intelligent. He's a total bummer! Not a bummer like a UK Slang bummer! I mean a bummer like an American Slang bummer which is a downer! Every time I see he's commented on a commentary, I groan really loudly and kick my feet and roll my eyes and yell, "I don't wanna read this garbage!" Then I usually don't respond because I did respond once in a funny manner but he took it totally the wrong way and flipped the fuck out in the way that online commenters love to do! You know, I don't even have a proper review of this issue because I expect the boring fuck to tell me what I should have thought when reading this. Which will probably be something like, "This story is nowhere as exciting as Cullen Bunn's story! His ass tastes so good! Mmmm!"

The Commentary!
If I were the editor of Aquaman at DC Comics, I would insist that he be left in a worse position than he was in when the comic book began every fucking issue. It would be editorially mandated that Aquaman never have anything go right for him. I bet it would be a terrific seller! People would begin picking it up because they couldn't resist seeing how far Aquaman could still fall. Not every month would be something hugely dramatic though. Sometimes he might just have severe diarrhea while trying to attend a Justice League meeting. Maybe one issue he would be proudly sporting a new fedora while everybody snickered behind his back. What I'm saying is Aquaman shouldn't pretend to be anything but the laughingstock he was meant to be! Bad-ass doesn't look good on Arthur. Riding on the back of a gigantic seahorse does!

This issue begins twelve hours before it should since on page three the narration box says "Twelve Hours Earlier." It begins in the future with Scavenger and his gang of scavengers scavenging on the bottom of the ocean. But they get news that Aquaman is hunting them which totally sounds like an exciting time! But then the whole twelve hours earlier thing happens and now I have to slog through a bunch of boring prologue before getting back to the chase. Come on, comic book! If I wanted boring story and setup, I'd be reading a real book!

The first half of the comic is just Aquaman questioning the guy who transforms into the sea beast, Dead Water. If you're into Aquaman being boring like he usually is, this is totally the comic book for you. But at least he doesn't have every super power in the world and traveling into outer space! At least Mera looks hot in her new Aquaman costume.

Although she's acting really boring too!

Ten pages of boring conversation with the man who can transform into Dead Water later and the comic book returns to the present where all of the excitement was about to happen before it was interrupted by boredom and more boredom. That's the problem with flashing back to the beginning of a story! All of that explication was unnecessary! I don't care what Dead Water's motives were for killing the people he killed! Aquaman could have simply found out the name of his previous employer, realized it was The Scavenger, and begun the chase! Maybe I really should be editing this comic book!

The chase is pretty boring too. Basically Aquaman searches Scavenger's old bases until he finds him and then the comic book ends with the cover image. Also Dead Water got out of the dehydration chamber by crying. See, he wasn't really able to cry but he finally got so sad that he managed it. So Aquaman is having trouble with Scavenger and Mera is having trouble with Dead Water and I'm having trouble liking Aquaman.


  1. Mera has now become just as boring as her new costume since it lacks any originality.

    "At least Mera looks hot in her new Aquaman costume."

    I don't see it since her green outfit was hotter because it was tighter and it showed her cleavage

  2. Where's Craig Hamilton from the 1985 Aquaman miniseries when you need him...