Thursday, April 14, 2016

Swamp Thing #4

Alec's got quite the body for a biochemist. Although it's rather shitty for a botanist.

The Review
I have no idea how this series reads to younger audiences but I'm enjoying it because it's such a throwback to the comic books I read when I was younger. Everything about it hearkens back to pre-Crisis DC Comics books: the look, the written style, the thought balloons, the writer, Zatanna's extreme level of horniness. Maybe that last only existed in my head back when I was younger although I do remember her trying to fuck Blue Devil back when she wore a jumbo shrimp on her head. So I think Zatanna has constantly been trying to get laid. I bet she's fucked the entire Justice League. She's my hero. This wasn't much of a "The Review" section, was it? Fuck it. I'm crap at this part anyway. If you're into old Swamp Thing comic books, this book is probably going to be up your whatever. I can't bother to think of the word I was going to use because I'm imagining what Zatanna would do to Cyborg.

The Commentary
This is an appropriate series for one of these throwback covers that present the potential purchaser with the crazy "What the fuck?!" scenario that will be taking place within the comic book. Covers like this were important in a time when young kids didn't collect entire runs of comic books but instead, each week, picked a few with the most outrageous stories from off of the spinner rack at the corner store. These were comics bent over at the middle from being packed into the metal slots and already well-fondled and sticky from other kids having already read them in the store. I generally prefer covers that don't scream some absurdity into my face in the hopes that I'll buy a single issue in the run of a series because I couldn't pass up the cover's claim of wacky antics supposedly going on inside. I've become a fan of covers that create a consistent mood from month to month, like The Omega Men or the early I, Vampire issues at the beginning of The New 52. DC also seems to love variant covers although I can't imagine why. I understand why they like the limited edition variant covers because those generally only go to shops who buy a certain amount of the issue with the regular cover. But what are the advantages of doing things like the John Romita Jr. variant months? It boggles my mind that DC sells enough extra copies to pay for the additional art work from the artist. I just buy whichever cover my comic book shop shoves into my pullhole. But I suppose there are John Romita Jr fans who must purchase every single one of his variant covers even if they don't normally read the series on which the cover appears, right? Are there rabid fans of John Romita Jr? I get why DC would shove Harley Quinn on all of the covers but minimalist art by John Romita Jr where everybody looks like a character from Kick Ass? That strains my credulity!

So last month in Swamp Thing, Zatanna had just helped Alec Holland get his body back while turning Matt Cable into the new Swamp Thing. Zatanna knew this was going to be the result of the spell but she never informed Alec. You would think that would be something Zatanna would have made clear being that she's supposedly Alec's friend. But instead she kept acting mysterious about the price Matt Cable would pay. I guess Alec could have stopped obsessing over having a human penis again and actually stopped the ritual to ask, "What the fuck is this price you people keeping talking about?" Especially since he just recently went through the same thing in his New 52 comic book. Will he never learn? Maybe Plant Gods can't form new memories so he simply didn't remember the previous incident.

I'm fairly certain he believed you were going to die, Matt, which is probably why he avoided asking too many questions.

The conversation about the price is finally broached with Alec being all "Nobody told me!" and Zatanna being all "I assumed you knew! I kept saying 'The price! The price!' and you kept saying 'Just get on with it, Madame Xanadu!'" and Matt going all "Ha ha! Sucker!" Alec even says, "We talked around it." See? He knew he was avoiding knowing the price because he just assumed his friend Matt was going to die and Alec wanted to be human badly enough to not want to know! Coward!

Oh, don't you start peppering everything you say with 'literally' as well, Zatanna! I expect that kind of overused, boring, exaggerated emphasis from Madame Xanadu but you?! You're better than that!

This horror story takes a literally weird turn once Zatanna literally informs Alec that he literally can't change back except by a literal act of God. It literally becomes a romance story.

I guess Zatanna helped out because she wanted to be fucked by a Plant God!

Alec cannot think of one thing he'd want to do now that he's human after all this time as a plant? He doesn't fucking deserve humanity! I've been human for the last 44 years and I'm desperate to masturbate and eat a huge slice of carrot cake simply because I've been stuck reading this stupid comic book for the last ten minutes! I haven't been unable to enjoy these things for years and I'm still jonesing to enjoy them. Surely Alec Holland has been dreaming of something human! Even if it's just having a really solid bowel movement! Which, you know, maybe that's what it is being that he's too embarrassed to tell Zatanna.

The thing Alec came up with only after a bit of prodding is...pancakes! He's fucking missed pancakes! I want to judge him for that but I listed "carrot cake" in my desires so I'm going to let him have his boring ass desire. I really wish Len Wein would have gone for broke and had Alec say, "A huge cock in my mouth! God, how I've missed huge cocks in my mouth!"

Zatanna was actually fishing when she asked Alec about what he wanted because apparently she's the one who wants a huge cock in her mouth. She gets naked in front of Alec (who is also naked) and hands him her robes.

Matt, you're making the moment a little creepy.

When I turn the page, Alec and Matt are back in the swamps of Louisiana having been teleported there by Zatanna. So now I just have to imagine the three way orgy over pancakes? Fucking bullshit, man.

Instead of leaving the swamp, Alec decides to hang around and help train Matt. Eventually they run across a poacher so that Alec can see his friend at work and, afterward, say, "You're being Swamp Thing wrong! That's not how I did it! Do it my way!"

I guess this entire series is simply about how Alec is a micro-manager and a control freak.

Alec quickly learns that his friend doesn't give a shit about him. Matt just wanted power and immortality and no penis. Matt has decided to take over the world and where better to start than Houma, Louisiana? I mean where better that's close to the swamp!

Matt Cable builds a throne so he looks regal when he makes his demands to the world and then he uses some vines to pull Alec Holland underground. I guess it's the end of the world.

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