Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Superman #51

Why name your new group the Super League when the Super Friends currently isn't being used?! Also, what's with the '1' in the shield?

The Review
I guess this is the final Superman story before Rebirth because it's about Superman dying. That's not a spoiler because the first page is just Superman's face while he says, "I'm dying." That's the story! It's Superman coming to accept his mortality. He does it all wrong too. He gets angry but not because its not fair that he's dying but because he won't be able to save people. Like New 52 Superman cares about saving people! If he really cared, he would have let himself die years ago! Instead he's been a constant threat to Earth due to mind control, contracting the Doomsday virus, being turned into a magical slave, being controlled by the Joker, accepting Rao as Earth's Lord and Savior, and being fueled by Apokolips energy! I'm pretty sure I've forgotten some too! I'm glad Tomasi is handling this story because this first chapter comes off nicely, if a bit melodramatic with all the boo-hoo Superman is dying bullshit. I hope when all is said and done, he gives Batman the pleasure of killing him.

The Commentary
It's nice to see Tomasi's name on the cover of Superman this month but if Berganza is still the editor, I don't have any hope that the comic will suddenly be better. Now that the Truth story arc is over, I'd like to repeat that is was terrible. It was so terrible that I'm not even going to make up some kind of hyperbolic metaphor for how terrible it was, like seeing your grandmother, naked, eating a pile of dog shit. But I would like to remind everybody that there were actual comic book reviewers who love to get Warm Fuzzies from the mainstream publishers who defended the story, who championed the story, and who contorted all logic to support their ignorant and shitty opinion that the story had any redeeming qualities at all. It did not. It was terrible. No, no. It was turribal.

But comic books being what they are, we can now pretend that the Truth story never even happened! Because we've got a new writer and we're headed in a new direction. I hope!

This is the first fucking page. Page two had better be Superman with a big grin finishing his thought with "...for a triple chocolate milkshake!"

The second page is combined with the third page for one big panel that confirms Superman is dying. That makes two panels in the first three pages! Sadly, that isn't a record. I think Tony S. Daniels once managed making the first ten pages into one panel.

At least Krypto makes an appearance even if he's off to the side sadly looking on as his best friend determines why he's dying. The cause? One part Apokolips Fire Pits, one part Kryptonite Chemotherapy, and one part Beat Down by Rao. I guess this Superman is a combination of all those other Supermen who couldn't possibly have been this Superman at all. When the fuck did he have time to not have powers and yet still have powers for the Justice League battle with Darkseid? And I'm not sure I can suddenly pretend that the JLA comic book was taking place in the same universe as this comic book! This is just too much to wrap my head around! I suppose in a few years when all of these stories have been collected in trades and people can pick them up and read them in any order with no realization of the timeline they were published, it'll make more sense. Also, who really fucking cares?! I actually like this aspect of comic books where we can just pretend that everything makes sense if we really fucking want to. Mostly, fangenders never really want to. They just want to bitch and moan and whine and whinge on. But not me! I mean, at least not for long! I still like pointing out how stupid comic book continuity can be! But do I really give a fuck? No!

I'm lying. I really do care and I'm terribly pained about this right now.

On the other negative side, five pages in and the comic has delivered five panels of story! Woot!

Did I woot correctly? Are people still wooting? Is wooting still a thing? Should I have squeed there? Would that have been appropriate? Maybe I should have just meh'd all over the bed.

Idiot! You're raging against the dying of the light wrong! Who cares about the people you won't be able to save? You should care about how you'll never find out the ending to all of the serialized entertainment being produced!

Superman apologizes to Krypto for being so selfish and thinking about everybody but himself. That's selfish for Superman! Krypto is just worried that once Superman is dead, nobody on Earth will be strong enough to open his next bag of Krypton Kibbles.

I don't know why Superman is so worried about dying. The cover already reminded everybody of his go-to healing process! Just go sit inside the sun for awhile and you'll be good. I'm wondering why Superman hasn't visited Doctor Shay Veritas yet. She's a fucking Omniologist! She must know how to save his life! Because if it's a thing, she knows it! She knows omnithing!

Currently, Doctor Omen (who I'm going to immediately assume is Shay Veritas's nemesis and old college roommate) has discovered a way to access the Fortress of Solitude thanks to the damage it took during the merger with Stormwatch's Carrier (or Eye of the Storm. Whatever it is now) and the Justice League Watchtower. Superman detects the breach and decides to leave Krypto in charge of stopping it while he goes out and does some odd jobs.

Afterward, Clark decides to go flirt with Lana.

After they switch it up, Lana asphyxiates in space.

Clark tells Lana that he's dying and she doesn't tell him how to save himself. What use is she?!

Meanwhile some escaped convict from Shawshank thinks he's Superman. Is it time for another Reign of the Supermen story arc?

Later, Superman goes to see Lois Lane to ask her if she can write Superman's biography because Clark Kent won't be around to write it. I suppose if New 52 Superman dies, there's always Lois and Clark Superman left to take care of things. Plus that Superman who just escaped from jail. And probably a couple of electric Supermen somewhere. And a robot Superman. And a Superboy. And Supergirl. And Krypto. And probably Streaky and Comet and Beppo. The world should be fine!

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