Cyborg #9

Victor beat Billy at table tennis so Billy said, "Let's see you in a mystical fist fight!"

Rating: This series is much better than the first story arc although not by a lot because it's all been tainted by how boring the first six or seven issues were. Cyborg's dialogue is still that of a witless blowhard but at least he isn't telling jokes which he (or another character) then has to explain are jokes because they're not very joke-like. I'm sorry to say that I still don't think this comic book is worth picking up no matter how badly DC Comics wants Cyborg to become their next big moneymaking character. I wonder how many people were confused by the Silas Stone video in Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us? I guess Cyborg is more mainstream than I give him credit for since he was part of Cartoon Network's Teen Titans cartoon for years. Did anybody else think he sort of acted like the fifth Ninja Turtle in that cartoon?

• Everybody is making pretend spoiler jokes about The Walking Dead finale so here's mine: Hurley wakes up in the mental hospital and realizes it was all a wet dream.

• No wait! Here's my The Walking Dead fake finale spoiler: fan of the comic book series continues to buy the trades even though they're getting more and more boring and Charlie Adlard is still drawing the art. How many times do I have to read two or three pages about a character before some other character finally calls them by name so I can quizzically say, "Oh! That's who that was?!"

• Currently, Cyborg is being hassled by the government because he has "unregulated technology". I mean, he is unregulated technology? It doesn't really matter. The main thing to focus on is that the government is, once again, being a bunch of Douchéstorks. Here's how government apparently works: a bunch of ignorant people become frightened of something that causes sadness, corporations see an opportunity to make a ton of money by playing on this fear and lobby the government for laws that will help calm the populace while also increasing their revenue in some way, government officials receive generous kickbacks to get the proposed laws on the book, some weird fucking kid has a hallucination on the steps of congress, and the bill becomes a law! Everybody has a new illusion of safety! Hooray!

• If you read the last bullet point and came away with the idea that I'm anti-government, you couldn't be more wrong. The government serves many important functions and should actually serve a bunch more for the real comfort and safety of the people. It's the politicians and their fervent, idiotic bases who would rather be angry and ignorant than knowledgeable and happy whom I despise.

• The government has brought Captain Marvel along to arrest Cyborg because he's obviously quite dangerous being a black man. I mean, a man with unregistered cybertechnology who will be treated like any other white guy with the same technology. Except that's not true, is it? The white guy with unregistered cybertechnology was offered a job with the government. The black guy is getting hassled and physically attacked!

• This issue is called "Pub Lice Nemy #1". I don't get it.

• Forty-five days ago, Cyborg told the Justice League, "I'm a fucking member of this League, right? So for once, you're going to deal with my fucking problems! And don't think you're going to run off on some Superman or Batman adventure while dealing with my problems! I'm calling Dibs, you fuckers! Stop treating me like a junior member of this squad! I mean league!"

• It might not be a bad idea to have Cyborg join the Suicide Squad. It needs a Rick Flag-esque ethical compass on it!

• After the flashback, the narrative returns to Captain Marvel and Cyborg's fistfight. But with a sly wink and a touch to the side of the nose to the reader! Because now we know this is all show! Probably.

• See? Just like I explained earlier!

• Forty days ago, Cyborg and Batman hung out in the Batcave exchanging knowing glances as they did all sorts of illegal things. But illegal in a good way because they're good guys! Duh!

• Also in that scene in the Batcave, Cyborg shows some non-exciting reasons why he's useful. Like how he can read legislation in a nanosecond and point out the bits that are important to their case. I think that used to be one of Alfred's jobs!

• Batman and Cyborg discover that anybody with any kind of cybernetic implant will be controllable by the government if the legislation passes. Also, Cyber-Tech's CEO and shareholders will become filthy rich. Cyber-Tech's employees will have to figure out their own health insurance and 401K because the company has to pay so many taxes!

• Why is Superman acting like the government hasn't tried to do the same thing to him multiple times? And why is Wonder Woman being such a dick about it?

• Cyborg casually tells Superman that he could murder him in less than five seconds. Dude! Chill!

• Cyborg tells everybody his plan to defeat the American government and then shows his friends his penis.

They likey!

• "Showing them his penis" is a euphemism for revealing that he can turn into a human and not a joke about something that's bigger than a breadbox and can be put in my mouth. It's also a reference to how the Cyborg character had issues with being an emasculated black male made safe for white consumption by destroying his genitals. Kind of like how that rich white asshole Santa Claus had his elf pull out all of the teeth of the Abominable Snowman and then put it in chains. Fucking Rudolf. I can't believe that racist propaganda is shown every year! And don't think I don't know what Rankin and Bass really meant when they were calling the Abominable Snowman a "bumble"! Bastards!

• If anybody has read That Cavortin' Bastard's rant on Rudolf and is now thinking, "Christ, Tess! You just stole all of those revelations from That Bastard!", you should realize that I wrote that.

• Cyborg's big plan was to get caught by the government. And it's successful! I guess he just needed the Justice League to stay out of it so he could destroy Cyber-Tech from within.