Sunday, April 10, 2016

Midnighter #11

Yay Apollo! Now Issue #12's cover had better be Jenny Quantum eating a street burrito while Jack Hawksmoor fucks a manhole cover or I'm going to be pissed.

The Review
If you've been waiting to see Midnighter sitting naked in Apollo's bed while they kiss, you'll have to wait for another issue. But if you've been waiting to see Midnighter sitting naked in Apollo's bed while they almost kiss, start masturbating now because it's on! I probably shouldn't have revealed that in the review section and I most certainly shouldn't reveal that I've scanned that page later in the commentary section so you don't even have to buy the issue to rub one out to it. You probably should though. Because Midnighter has been one of the best comic books DC has put out since The New 52 began and it needs to make DC money so that DC can listen to their accountant when he pushes up his taped up glasses and says, "That book with the gay superhero made us buttloads of money!" Then the Shadow Cabinet in charge of DC Comics will discuss what that means and determine that what people would really pay money for is a gay Batman. Now, I know some of you have just read that and thought to yourselves, "But Midnighter is gay Batman!" Well, duh! But only on a figurative level! The Shadow Cabinet that controls all of DC's moves and marketing meant their statement literally! So look for Bruce Wayne to be gay in Batman Rebirth if my assessment of the situation is accurate. It probably is because I am a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

The Commentary
The last issue ended with Midnighter obviously dying. He died so obviously that it was practically on-panel and if he isn't dead when this issue begins, I'll be really angry about what an unrealistic turn this comic book has suddenly taken. I might even think to myself, "Well, you did just point out that it was only practically on-panel so he may not have even been on the ship when it exploded. Plus there are at least a dozen ways already written for getting out of many cliffhangers. Of course they all revolve around the action suddenly being different than it was in the previous scene. But good old Steve Orlando wouldn't pull any of that shit on his lovely readers, would he? I wish I had some carrot cake right now." I probably could have ended that fantasy before the carrot cake but then I would have been leaving out the best bit.

But the most obvious answer is right on the cover. Somehow Apollo saved Midnighter from certain death. Maybe he desperately needed some dick and he just happened to be making a booty call when the ship blew up. Or maybe it was something far less juvenile. My brain only has the one setting.

It turns out Midnighter gave Apollo a framed photo of his younger self which was also an emergency booty call line. If Midnighter wasn't riddled with bullets, he might be able to play the whole thing off as some sorely needed ex-sex. But I think Midnighter is just going to have to eat crow on this one and be honest about how he just needed Apollo for his heroics as opposed to his hero dick.

I hope it gets romantic from here on out!

Thinkfast is an idiot. Why does a gunman need to touch the hammer on a semi-automatic rifle? Also that might be a real question that somebody could answer because I'm also an idiot who really knows nothing about guns. Although I do know that I was excited to see Jonah Hex will be on next week's Legends of Tomorrow!

Amanda Waller and Henry Bendix have everything they need to create their version of Superman. His name is Unified and he's the son Apollo and Midnighter would have had if that were biologically possible. Speaking of Apollo and Midnighter's child, where has Jenny Quantum been? I would think Midnighter would have kept in touch.

Midnighter's thoughts couldn't be further from a little girl he once thought of as a daughter as he sits naked in Apollo's bed saying all of the things that will lead to a rigorous bout of fucking. His fight computer is also a foreplay computer, remember! I say "remember" like that's canon revealed in a previous issue and not what it really is: just a thing we all know is true.

How cute. Apollo has a Superman mug.

Henry Bendix informs Amanda that Midnighter is still alive and that it's a good thing. Because now Henry can hone in on Midnighter to open teleport doors so the Suicide Squad can attack Spyral. Since The New 52 began, members of the Suicide Squad don't die. Some almost died early on but Amanda had a formula to resurrect them. Eventually some of them blew up due to using the formula too much but that's been about it on the death front. I think the name suicide in Suicide Squad is meant to be ironic now. Although they've got a new guy on the team who Midnighter can't stand, so I have a feeling Thinkfast! will die this issue. Poor Thinkfast! We hardly knew you. Or your actual name.

Helena takes down Captain Boomerang and Midnighter pierces Parasite's heart with a harpoon. But he'll be okay because he still has Midnighter's healing powers. Not that Midnighter would care if Parasite died. I just mention that so nobody thinks somebody other than Thinkfast! is actually going to die this issue.

Why do people with death wishes keep joining Task Force X? As I've pointed out, nobody ever dies! They're never going to get their wish! Even stupid Thinkfast!

Thinkfast! should get a sidekick named Hertz Donut.

The Unified is up and running and Henry Bendix sends it to Modora to teach them a lesson. Good thing the DC Youniverse has so many little countries that have no innocents living there and can't really be categorized as any actual race in the real world. Or, you know, it might look bad! Modora is just full of sort of white guy terrorists from one of those tiny Eastern European areas where all the jerks decided to live.

Apollo and Midnighter meet Henry, Amanda, The Unified, and the Suicide Squad in Modora for a good old fashioned final issue beatdown. I have no idea if the next issue will be the final issue or not because I'm too lazy to figure out when Rebirth begins.

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