Friday, April 15, 2016

Batman Loves Superman #31

I wonder what Batman is singing here?

The Review
Even though this story is about Superman dying, it's raised the quality of this comic substantially! That's probably because Eddie Berganza is keeping his gropey mitts off of this series and letting Tomasi tell the story all himself. That's why Tomasi is writing both Superman and Batman Loves Superman right now. I don't know if he's also writing Action Comics and still on Superman Loves Wonder Woman until this story is over. Probably! It's really the way to go because whenever you have a story controlled by Group Editor Eddie Wanderinghandza and written by several writers, the quality always suffers. Because the story is always as bad as the worst writer helping out. Plus when you've got a clod like Berganza conducting, you're guaranteed cacophony.

The Commentary
My favorite thing about the Superman books now being numbered so readers know in which order to read them is that you know, one day, DC Comics is going to publish them out of order. I can't wait for that day so I can openly mock them! "Losers!" I'll say! "Do your job right! How am I supposed to read these in the correct order? Build a time machine?! Jerks! Poor business people! Lousy organizers!" Oh man, that was fun. I guess I don't have to wait for that day! I can mock them any time I want to by just pretending they fucked something up! Just like everybody else on the internet!

This issue is called "The Final Days of Superman" because the bitch is dying. He flew too close to the sun and now he's paying the price! No wait. I guess that whole Icarus analogy can't be used willy-nilly on anybody! Because if Superman flies too close to the sun, he gets stronger. Oh! You know what would make the Icarus myth better! If Daedalus was knocked out of the air by a plummeting Icarus and as he too crashes to the ground, he could have yelled, "Arg! I flew too close to the son!"

Superman has decided to go tell Batman he loves him. What better way to end your life than making Batman feel awkward and uncomfortable? Batman is currently busy fighting crime.

Or shooting a porno.

Superman hasn't actually come to hug Batman at all. He wants the use of Batman's detective skills to find Supergirl. Well, it's about time! My theory is that she finally met somebody in the universe who didn't approve of being punched in the face as a greeting and locked her up somewhere. And wherever she's locked up, it's strong enough to withstand her vagina exploding FWASH power. I don't know if Superman knows it but Supergirl once survived Chronic Kryptonite Poisoning herself! She might be able to help save him if she can remember how she got better. I can't remember. I think it had something to do with Cyborg Superman and some people called I'noxians.

Superman meets Titus and Batcow but Alfred Pennyworth the Cat smells Krypto all over him and decides to remain in the shadows. Before Superman leaves, Alfred says thank you to him and I almost lose it. It's weird because I generally don't feel like I care about most of these fictional characters. I've got a pretty thick callous of cynicism coating my brain and yet fucking Tomasi always knows how to write Alfred in just the right way to break through the armor. Maybe he catches me off-guard by writing a scene where I open the emotional gates to let the anger out because Alfred Pennyworth the Cat didn't get to meet Superman and so I write some glib excuse for why the cat didn't make the cut and then BOOM! Alfred thanks Superman and leaves it at that and I'm left thinking, "How did my anger turn to melancholy so quickly?!"

Meanwhile in Metropolis, that escaped convict is still going around thinking he's Superman. I mean, he doesn't think he's Superman when he's not all Superman'd up. But then he pushes a kid off of a roof and the kid is about to die and he transforms and suddenly he's Superman and he's thinking like Superman and he has Superman's powers and he has to save the kid. I'm sure it's nothing. Probably just a side story that will never go anywhere. Unless Tomasi writes Superman differently than Scott Lobdell did.

Superman saves a bunch of lives while Batman does the detective thing. When Superman returns to Gotham, Batman tells Superman that Kara seems to have gone to some mysterious place called National City. That must be the Washington, DC, of the DC Youniverse. For several reasons! First of all, Gotham and Metropolis are both the fictional New Yorks of the DC Youniverse even though there's still a New York City in the DC Youniverse. So National City is probably the fictional Washington, DC, of the DC Youniverse even though there's already a Washington, DC. But even more apt is that DC Comics used to be National Comics. So they're being clever! Also I don't think any political shit really goes down in National City. Maybe a few baseball games or something, but that's about it.

Before Batman can say more, they're attacked by a number of Chinese New Year Animals. I bet it's the work of the new and improved Calendar Man! This gimmick is way better than whatever his gimmick was before!

Well la dee da! Batman just knows fucking everything, doesn't he?!

The Zodiac creatures were probably sent by the evil Doctor Omen who recently hacked the Fortress of Solitude. Unless that's a racist assumption to make because she was Chinese and these are Chinese Zodiac animals. But it's not like Doctor Light has appeared in this comic book! So why would I think she was behind it. Also she's Japanese so that was racist.

Before the creatures destroy themselves, the dragon slices Superman's neck and makes him bleed. Well, now The Coming of the Supermen #3 cover makes sense! Except it was on the wrong comic book!

Instead of figuring out what the attack was about, Superman decides it's time to rush off to National City where Supergirl is currently sealed in some kind of Anti-Bum machinery. It's the worst because I can't see her bum!

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