Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Ravagers #10

Deathstroke? Is Deathstroke what comes next? Wasn't Deathstroke supposed to be coming? What happened to Deathstroke?!

Yep! It's Deathstroke!

I know I should have some profound observation about Deathstork teaming up with Sweatervest but I'm stunned that they spelled Ig Guara's name wrong.

Ha ha! Just kidding! I'm not really stunned at all! This is The Ravagers, after all! Historically, it has been the worst edited comic in DC's 75 years publishing comic books! I haven't actually done the proper research to know if that's true, but my gut is telling me no other comic could possibly have been edited this poorly. And my gut is full of french fries, so it knows what it's talking about.

Look at Harvest being all batlike! He's also acting so Tim Drakey! I'm surprised Deathstroke hasn't figured out who he is already just by the smell of his body odor and the way he shifts his weight and the name on the contract I'm sure they both signed or else Deathstroke wouldn't have taken on this assignment. Free killing is the worst.

Of course he'll stick to the deal, Slade. Because you signed a contract. Right? Tell me you signed a contract! He's a super villain! Of course he's going to try to screw you! At least you have the contract so you can sue his ass. Right?

I'm pretty sure Deathstroke isn't interested in money on this mission because he wants access to Rose Wilson. Does he know she's his daughter? Is she the native girl from Eclipso Island? Or is she just some psycho that took Slade's name and Slade simply wants to know why? Maybe it's his granddaughter!

Speaking of Slade's relatives, what the fuck happened to Jericho? Liefeld had a fucking major boner over bringing Jericho and Adeline back and then they both disappeared with Liefeld! I hope everyone just forgets that version of them (along with Jericho's henchman, Miscarriage Man).

Harvest has already sent out his Butcher Bots to kill Warblade and Rose for their ineptitude. If that happens and Deathstroke signed a contract to kill The Ravagers so that he can have access to Rose Wilson, he's got a potential lawsuit on his hands. I hope the final issue of Deathstroke takes place in Judge Judy's court with Harvest guest starring as the Defendant.

Meanwhile back at The Chief's non-Doom Patrol safe house, The Ravagers are bonding over not having to speak any more Howard Mackie dialogue.

Here they revel in some good Tony Bedard conversation. Blue Beetle died so The Ravagers could suck way less. Well, he didn't actually die. I mean, Ted Kord died but that was in the Preboot and now I'm sad because I brought up Ted's death. Thanks a lot, readers!

While everybody is joking around about their most embarrassing moments like how Caitlin fucked Niles and how Beast Boy sprayed butt juice on a Ravager and how Thunder's sister disappeared into Brother Blood's portal, Ridge begins to exhibit Hulk-like behaviors. Or should I say Banner-like behaviors? Ridge doesn't hulk out when he's angry but when he doesn't feel safe. And now that everybody is having a good time and nobody is trying to kill them, Ridge reverts back to his human form.

I guess Beast Boy can stop being jealous of him now.

Back in Hartsville, Warblade and Rose defeat the Butcher Bots and realize they need to capture the Ravagers and bring them back to Harvest or else Harvest is going to keep trying to kill them. Maybe they should just join the Ravagers and help defeat Harvest! That's such a dumb idea that might just happen! Damian Wayne was a psychotic monster and he learned how to love. Maybe Warblade can too!

Meanwhile more of this disgusting shit is going on:

Dude! How many times am I going to have to see Beast Boy get his heart broken by Terra?! Hasn't he been through enough already! She's going to betray him!

Now I'm wondering if Geoforce is out there ruling over Markovia!

While Beast Boy and Terra suck face in a children's toy store, Niles Caulder is busy bringing Lightning back to life. How did he do it? Did he use Waller's Samsara project? A Lazarus Pit? Whatever Basilisk uses to bring back their corpses? Nanobots? Cloning? Black Magic? No, he just used technobabble! I mean, science!

I bet Batman still has one of Damian's stool samples! I bet Caulder can resurrect Damian from that!

After a big day of nobody trying to kill them (day's not over yet!), everybody tries to go to bed happy so that nothing horrible can crop up unexpectedly. Too bad Little Boy Ridge decides to get up for a midnight snack. As he's grabbing food, he remembers that his mother was pregnant when N.O.W.H.E.R.E. kidnapped him. So there's a Little Toddler Ridge out there somewhere as well! Too bad Little Boy Ridge will never get to meet him. Remember last commentary when I said, "If only Ridge’s skeleton were shown, I’d be willing to believe the cover."

I knew he was disposable!

The Ravagers #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Ridge being stabbed in the back by Deathstroke and erupting into flames doesn't actually mean he's dead. You see, a stipulation in the contract was that Deathstroke use "the Abeo Blade" to kill The Ravagers. I have a feeling the Abeo Blade somehow captures a person when they're stabbed by it. Kind of like a really sharp Pokeball.

Why was this issue called "Women and Children First"? Is it because that's the order in which Deathstroke likes to kill people? What a dick!

I also think the cover was intended for whatever storyline Howard Mackie had in line before he left the title. Because that shit don't make sense!

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