Thursday, March 14, 2013

Animal Man #18

Did he lose his wallet?

Now that I know Animal Man #18 is going to be 20 pages of Buddy Baker frantically searching for his wallet because he doesn't have a stupid pocket in that skin-tight outfit, I can relax and write about other things!

Hmm. I like cupcakes. Did you know that? I liked cupcakes when they were just something your mom could bake in the oven and slather crappy frosting on. Remember when cupcakes cost less than $5 a pop? Our society has created so many empty shells of people that they have no idea who or what they are without their likes and material possessions. So instead of simply liking cupcakes, they have to SUPER DUPER LIKE CUPCAKES AND GO TO CUPCAKE SHOPS AND BE SEEN WITH CUPCAKE SWAG AND OH MY GOD!!! CUPCAKES!!!!

I bet Ralph Waldo Emerson used to run around town bitching about how fancy and trendy scones had suddenly become!

Yes, I'm comparing myself to Ralph Waldo Emerson. "Cupcakes are in the saddle and fuck mankind raw. RAW!"

You know what I just realized? Animal Man might not be about losing his wallet! One of his family members might die! Shit! I should probably read this now!

Remember how Rotworld ended? Swamp Thing and Buddy Baker were granted a do-over by the Parliament of Rot and sent back in time to fix their idiotic choices.

Really? Whatever it takes? I'm pretty sure you don't shout that in the face of fate, you morons! Next thing you know, you'll be frantically fucking each other in the eye sockets to save the world. Or maybe killing your loved ones. That's nearly as horrible a possibility.

Buddy Baker and Alec Holland are separated as they're sent back in time. They don't arrive back at the swamp before they dove into The Grey which would have been a really nice and easy place to stop this whole mess from falling apart, you stupid fucking Rot Parliament assholes. Instead they send him back with about one second to spare before Maxine is taken by the Hunters Three Two!

"Where is my fucking wallet, you sons of bitches?!"

Buddy Baker continues to fight the Hunters Two but can't seem to figure out how to put them down once and for all. He killed the third one somehow but I forget how. Maybe Maxine helped kill it. Or maybe she killed it since Socks seems to think she's the only one that can finish off the Hunters at this point. During the fight, William Arcane gets knocked into the barn by the Hunters and may or may not be dead. I guess it depends on how much Chlorophyll he sucked down.

While Animal Man is quickly approaching TKO territory (that's a sport's reference! It stands for Totally Knocked Out), Ellen is trying to keep Maxine from helping him. I guess she doesn't really love her husband. Maybe that's why he's having such a bad day. He just found out his wife doesn't need his gigantic donkey dick anymore. Or was it the size of a giraffe penis? Did anybody get back to me with the research on how big a giraffe's wiener is?

Oh come on, Ellen! It's not like this is Sophie's Choice! It's either the world or your little girl! I'm pretty sure I know who the world would pick!

Socks comes up with the plan to defeat The Hunters. Did you read what I just typed? Socks. The Cat. The cat comes up with the plan to save the world. It wasn't a fucking dog. A dog is a soldier, an infantry man that's only good for taking orders. A cat is a general! Sitting high above the battlefield on top of the bookshelf, planning and planning. Unless napping and licking its butthole look the same as planning. Hmm. Maybe letting the cat lead isn't the best idea.

The cat's plan, by the way, is for Maxine to heal the Hunters instead of killing them. I thought for sure the plan would be to play with them until you grew bored and wander off, leaving them half-maimed with guts spread across the kitchen floor.

I don't think you'd be able to fill out a super heroine costume yet, Maxine. Goddammit. Now I'm picturing a little girl doing the Boob and Butt Showcase!

Maxine manages to heal The Hunters, sloughing off the Rot encasing them and leaving them as two normal humans in stupid looking green costumes. I think somebody had better research what horrible institution those uniforms belong to so Buddy Baker can shut that shit down. One of them mentions the Ascension Chamber. Uh-oh. Isn't Black Orchid tied to something called Project Ascension? So much stuff to remember! So little brainspace left!

And then everybody lived happily ever after! Nothing bad ever happened to the Bakers ever again. Ever. At least if you only read the first seventeen pages which I'm suggesting you do. You can skip the 18th page where Rotten William Arcane comes back. And the 19th page where Cliff dies in Buddy's arms? That page can be torn out altogether. And now that that page is gone, the final page won't make any sense where everyone looks sad and ruined and Buddy still hasn't found his wallet. So you might as well forget about that page too.

Animal Man #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's about time Cliff died. Not that I wanted him to die, mind you! It's just that they've been foreshadowing that shit forever!

No comments:

Post a Comment