I wonder if that hat makes Batman feel like a little, curious girl?
Temperance Goes DownI think the end of the last Chapter was where Temperance was suddenly real tall for some reason I can't remember having been a whole month ago. But anyway, she grew so tall that her boobs were as big as my head!
"Oh whatever shall I do?" Temperance sighed as she bumped her head into the ceiling. Also I think her clothes probably tore right off of her body and only her underwear didn't break because I think there is a limit to how much nudity you can show even in a Rated-R movie. You should also probably be reminded that Temperance was at least eighteen years old so it was okay to look at her in her underwear and sexualize her body. Unless this movie were being filmed in France or Canada and then I think she could probably be sixteen. But now she was too tall to get into the door so instead she kicked down the door to the garden with her giant foot!
"Here I come, Garden that was behind the door that I should have mentioned but might not have!" Instead of a garden behind the door, there was a Werewolf in a scary castle in a shower cap. The werewolf was wearing the shower cap, not the castle.
"Awww!" it screamed and dropped its white gloves and fan it was holding for some reason. And then it put a hip record on the turntable and turned on some rainbow lights.
"What a groovy party!" shouted Temperance over the noise as somebody served her a chocolate coin and some french fried onions. And then she remembered that eating things made her feel funny and she shrunk again! Plus she was drunk this time because of the rum in the chocolate coin. You see, it was French.
"I'm super small again! And I've fallen into the Werewolf's pool! But look, here comes a Gerbil! Hi Gerbil! Do you like cats?" Temperance was mean and stupid and really didn't know that a Gerbil was just a glorified gay mouse.
"Jerk!" screamed the Gerbil as it drowned from fear.
"Whoops! I guess I should get out of this pool since it is filled with animals all of a sudden and I might get Hepatitis C!" She remembered this from a film strip in school she saw last week. So she climbed out of the pool and into Chapter Three!
End of Chapter Two!Um. So. The Goddamned Batman. Where were we?
The Mad Hatter's plan seems to be franchising his Hypnotic Hat Stands across Gotham and selling them right out in the open for every Batman to see. But seeing that Batman needed The Penguin's help to figure out The Mad Hatter was behind all of the kidnappings, it's likely Batman won't figure this out either. Currently The Mad Hatter has just sold a Hypno-hat to some jerk kid that pointed out all of The Mad Hatter's horribly wonky facial features.
Is it weird that this moment endeared me to The Mad Hatter?
Are we sure Batman is the hero and not The Mad Hatter?
See? One of the reasons Alfred is so enjoyable to read (and, I assume, to write!) is because he plays the part of us. He sees Batman's ridiculous aspects, his faults, and his foibles, and he gets to comment on them and say what the author knows the reader must be thinking. I believe The Joker called himself Batman's Jester in Death of the Family but he was wrong. Alfred is the court jester, and, at times, the Fool to Batman's King Lear.
By page five, I have to wonder what the fuck Gregg Hurwitz is doing to The Dark Knight! This comic book is called the Dark Knight because it's supposed to be the grim and bloody and dark and scary version of Batman. Isn't it? Instead, Gregg Hurwitz has made me chuckle on four of the five pages so far. Stop making Batman funny, you idiot! What is he to you? A joke?!
Okay, so it's Jim that being funny here. I think Batman is still serious when he makes the boot comment!
Do I have to apologize for calling Hurwitz an idiot when it was so obviously done sarcastically and in fun? Is that question a good enough apology?
I imagine this joke has been done multiple times over the years but I really like the timing and the way Batman actually waits for Jim to acknowledge the end of the discussion before he takes his leave.
This is a pleasant twist on the high school bully scene. But why are they his friends? None of them are wearing hats!
Wait, what?! You mean it's cheating to have Kid Flash and Solstice begin kissing while mentioning how close they've been getting since they met without actually ever have shown them interacting at all? Isn't their explanation good enough for readers?!
Or perhaps, and I'm beginning to suspect most probably, Alice actually declined to go with him and he's finally staging the fantasy he's had of what that day could have been like so many years ago.
I would hang a print of this on my wall.