Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Scavenger! (as seen in Aquaman #17)



Part 16 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Unknown
Occupation: Professional Criminal [As opposed to amateurs who don't get paid or can't find any sponsors?]
Marital Status: Single [How does anybody know this for sure? His alter ego is unknown?]
Known Relatives: None [At least this one makes sense because his alter ego is unknown, he has no known relatives. Marital Status really should be "Unknown". I'm such a stickler.]
Group Affiliation: None [Because he hates Black Manta and Ocean Master. Who else is there?]
Base of Operations: Mobile [But probably underwater. Unless his Scorpion Ship is a space ship as well!]
First Appearance: AQUAMAN #37
Height: 5'9" Weight: 176 lbs. [I love how these statistics are always so specific even though his identity is unknown and the only other times he's been encountered have been in his Shark Scuba Suit.]
Eyes: Unknown Hair: Unknown [Sure, you can get his exact height and weight but fuck if you can tell his eye or hair color through that mask!]

HISTORY
"Of the many mysteries held by the Seven Seas, the origin of the underwater villain Scavenger remains one of the greatest [Really? This jerk's identity is one of the greatest secrets of the Seven Seas? This was either written by the creator of this nobody character or some six year old with a fascination for men in shark-shaped scuba suits and hyperbole.]. He appeared in the depths of the Atlantic to menace Aquaman (see Aquaman) and Aqualad (see Aqualad) in his search for the 'time decelerator,' an ancient device created by an alien super-civilization [Okay but what does it do?!]. Without the usual posturing and boasting of costumed villains, Scavenger went after his goal without explanation of his unusual motif and advanced scientific equipment [So what you're trying to say is this guy is non-union? He's actually the Scabvenger! Ha ha!].

Aquaman was able to destroy Scavenger's heavily armed Scorpion Ship [Why a Scorpion Ship? How does that feature into his Shark-shaped Scuba gear? Where's the overarching theme? I'm pretty sure he couldn't explain himself because he just cobbled this get-up together out of spare parts. He's definitely not in the Super Villain union.], but not before Scavenger gained possession of the decelerator. His prize, however, only succeeded in sending him on a seemingly reverse trip through time, devolving him to an infant, and then nothing [Well, I'm sure it was something. But you probably needed a microscope to see him.].

The decelerator sent Scavenger into a timeless limbo from which it took years for him to escape [I'm pretty sure by 'timeless limbo' the writer means 'his father's testicles'.]. Once he did, Scavenger [had to wait 21 years before being able to rent another Scorpion Ship?] had but one thought: to gain vengeance on Aquaman. He has yet to succeed [Because he's only a little baby!]."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"Though possessing no powers of his own, Scavenger surrounded himself with super-scientific equipment [What makes something 'super' scientific?], which made him a formidable foe [And the Seven Seas' greatest secret!]. His Scorpion Ship was equipped with a deadly arsenal ranging from an electrical field to cannons [Because when I think 'super-scientific', I think 'cannons'!].

Scavenger's costume includes a built-in oxygen supply that enables him to make forays into the deep. He is an adept underwater fighter, obviously having trained in order to be able to overcome the crushing pressures of the ocean floor [Oh yeah. Totes obvs.]."

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