Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Catwoman #18

Why does Catwoman need a Requiem issue? Does Batman need some "consoling"?

Alfred's tea isn't helping Batman's grieving process as much as it helps mend broken bones and stop internal bleeding and unbruise essential organs. Batman has found solace and peace of mind by cracking skulls in too many other comic books, so he's got to find a new way to deal with his pain. Now he's decided to visit the museum and find peace in the paintings there. Of course he goes in full Bat Costume. Maybe he has a special membership pass that lets him visit after hours. Or maybe he's simply investigating the crime and in a bit of an emo mood so he's extra sad that the paintings are gone.

Whatever the case, he's so mad even the editors don't want to correct him on his messed up sentence structure.

This month we have a special featue: Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm!

She actually wanted it to be her "Knowledge Cornucopia" but I didn't know how to spell that and I thought a farm would be a fun place to learn stuff! So Ann Nocenti's first Farm Fun Fact (the fact actually has nothing to do with farms! It's just a fact from the Knowledge Fun Farm!): "When paintings hang on a wall for a long period of time, the wall around the painting fades, leaving a noticeable non-faded area when the painting is removed! I bet Sherlock Holmes has solved at least one case because of this Fun Farm Fact!" Now if only she'd helped out little Rafa Sandoval with her drawing of the museum, Rafa might have made the areas where the paintings had hung the non-faded areas instead of the other way around! But that's okay, Rafa. You draw a really nice Catwoman hiney! Keep up the good work and we'll see you soon for another episode of Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm!

Batman figured that Catwoman knew stealing those paintings Batman loved would draw him out so it makes sense that Catwoman knew Batman loved those paintings and that stealing them would draw him out. So it's a good thing Batman was drawn out or this comic book would never go anywhere.

Having been drawn out, Batman knows exactly where to find Catwoman. I should probably thank Ann Nocenti because who needs to see five pages of Batman darting through alleys going, "Here, kitty kitty kitty!" Even worse, he might have spent a few pages making Missing Kitty Posters and pasting them up all over Gotham.

Catwoman is riding her motorcycle so Batman chases her down at one hundred miles per hour and kicks her off her fucking bike. Sure! Don't kill The Joker! He's just a homicidal maniac that's killed thousands of people. But Catwoman steals some paintings you like and you turn her into road pizza.

Yes, that's her helmet flying up in the air. She landed on her face without a helmet.

Catwoman's brains are splattered all over the road while Batman stands looking shocked at what he's done. Officer Bullock is first to arrive on the scene and he offers Batman a chance to get away but Batman quietly gets in the back of the police cruiser. He's hauled off to await his day in court. What does he care? Damian is dead and now Catwoman. Both are really his fault. Eventually Batman is convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to six years in prison with no chance at parole. During his first month, he hangs himself with his bedsheets.

No, no. What really happens is Catwoman sits right up and says, "Hey! What was that for?" She follows that mildly inconvenienced dialogue with this whopper: "You're a bully, you know that, Batman?"

Luckily Batman takes out most of his anger on Catwoman's helmet. She realizes he's pissed off about something else and assumes it's the shit that went down with The Joker. She eventually calms him down and he attempts to fix her helmet for her.

Good enough.

Batman and Catwoman hug while Trip Winter watches from afar realizing he was just the replacement fuck. But Batman pushes Catwoman away since he can't open up to her about Robin's death. So she ditches him. Or he tells her to go away. One of those.

I really wish she'd just dump his ass completely. I want Batman to not be able to have Selina because she's moved on. And then Batman can start acting weird and stalkery, following her around and calling her continuously. And that will just drive her further and further away. I want Batman to be heartbroken by Catwoman and for Catwoman to not give an Almond Roca about it.

Later (or the next day (or something)), Selina decides to check out the Gotham City Police Department looking for Gwen since she never showed for the painting heist. She decides to pretend she was mugged since Batman smashed her face into the highway at eighty miles per hour. While in the station, she plans on planting a camera so she can keep an eye on Alvarez.

Catwoman uses "slight" of hand because she's so dainty.

Later still, Catwoman steals the paintings back and puts them back in the museum. Batman hears of it on the news because that's something Batman would do: waste his fucking time watching local news reports. He might as well watch his toilet clog.

And to catch up on a couple of other plot threads really, really quickly: Gwen seems to be working for Volt's boss, Emperor Penguin. Unless it does turn out to be The Cane. Or Mr. Formal. And Joe Pazzo, one of Mr. Formal's gang members, steps on the page from the demonic book from The Black Room. It's got the Escalator on it and it was stuck to the bottom of Selina's foot after she stole the Eclipso Diamond. I don't know if it remained stuck to her foot all the way back to Gotham or if it just blew to Gotham from Washington, DC. However it go here, Joe Pazzo is now possessed by The Escalator and The Escalator does not like Catwoman!

Catwoman #18 Rating: No change. I'm sorely disappointed that there was only one episode of Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm this issue! Oh well. Maybe next issue we can get some more! I should write a theme song for her new show!


  1. If this book had actually featured those mock Selina Wanted posters, it might've sold more....or not. But still, that poster was funny as fuck;)

  2. Exactly. Once again, you did the creative team's job for them;)