Saturday, March 30, 2013

Justice League #18

I think deadend spoiled this issue when he said, "Cyborg handles all cell phone narrative bullshit. For everyone." That has to be what this is about!

The Throne of Atlantis story is over so now it's time to get back to less boring stories about fish and the ocean and more fish. I'll get enough of that in the next comic book I'm going to read. If you're really stupid, let me tell you what that comic will be: Batman Aquaman! I sometimes expect too much out of people but not anymore! From now on, I'm going to treat everyone as if they're really dumb so that I don't make them feel dumb. And that shouldn't bother the smart people reading my commentaries because they probably won't even notice a difference.

Smart Reader: "Ugh. Another review by that moron Tess Ate Chai Tea. I have to slog through all of his personal anecdotes and unintelligible jokes so that I can find out what's happening in the comic books I'm too cheap and/or poor and/or smart to buy on my own!"
Dumb Reader: "You're right! His jokes are unintellichable! Way over my head! Der!"
Tess Ate Chai Tea: "The phrase "Duty. Honor. Country." always makes me giggle because all I hear is "Doody on her cunt" and then I crack up."

This issue begins with two kids at Pittsburgh High in a computer lab. Since it isn't Walton Hills High School and the characters aren't acting like Ronnie and Jason, I don't know who they are.. Also, Jason is interested in his new lab partner named Blythe instead of faking interest in Tonya while actually being interested in Ronnie. So they can't be Firestorm, right?

Wrong. But what do I know? Maybe I forgot that Walton Hills burned down or something.

I like that Geoff Johns can basically take any characters in the DCnU and write them however the fuck he feels they should be written. I guess as long as Jason cares about school and Ronnie cares about sports, their characterization is pretty much dead on. Not that it matters though. The only good thing about the Firestorm comic book is the budding romance between Jason and Ronnie and I think that might just be in my imagination. So if Johns can make Firestorm fun and interesting, what do I care how he changes them?

Except for the romance thing! Keep that!

While they bicker (cute!), Jason and Ronnie receive messages from Cyborg telling them he can help them with their future plans if they're willing to help him. Wink wink. This romance just got cyber interesting!

Next to be recruited by Cyborg is Black Canary who is fighting Copperhead in Gotham. I mean Baltimore. What the fuck is up with all the incorrect locations? This isn't an omniscient narrator! It's an amnesiac narrator! Not that Black Canary is limited to fighting crime in Gotham. But I wanted to pretend that everything was fucked up. Intentionally misunderstanding is fun and it makes other people look stupid while you look smart! Except you don't look smart at all, I guess. I probably looked pretty stupid thinking Black Canary isn't allowed to set foot in Baltimore to take down Copperhead. The Birds of Prey were probably the right group to take him down though since his weakness is apparently seeing a vagina.

This misrepresentation of the story is for readers that keep up with my Supergirl commentaries.

Next, Zatanna has apparently made it back from Faerie alive and is getting the brush off from Constantine. So she's off Justice League Dark because Justice League needs some magic. How does Amanda Waller not know that the Justice League is hiring? Her whole plan of matching one member of her team with one member of her other team is going to need some updating already! She's going to have to make sure Green Arrow becomes a full time member to combat Black Canary. And she'll need Captain Atom on her team to combat Firestorm. And she'll need Annataz to combat Zatanna.

And then it finally happens! One of those big Justice League interview issues! Crowd the satellite with a bunch of familiar faces and give them a moment to answer Batman's questions correctly or incorrectly, and we've got new members! Although the best interview ever probably goes to Hitman.

Don't get too excited about New 52 Hitman! This is from Grant Morrison's run. That was a reminder just in case you forgot that Martian Manhunter won't be conducting the interviews today.

The potential candidates (beginning with the coloreds) are Black Canary, Black Lightning, Blue Devil, Goldrush, and Platinum. The non-coloreds are Element Woman (yes, please!), Firestorm, Nightwing, Vixen, and Zatanna. I wonder what the Justice League can offer for full time members? Benefits? A salary? Or do they just try to fool them into the "making the world a better place being its own reward" bullshit? These people all have rents to pay!

The person I'm most interested in at this gathering (besides Element Woman!) is Platinum. I'm pretty sure this is the first time a Metal Man has been seen although they were mentioned in **mumble mumble mutter** back in **mumble mumble mumble**! Why would she be interviewing alone? Did she finally get sick of all the sexism in a group with "men" in the title? I imagine she finally got fed up being the only one doing the dishes, screamed, "Fuck you all!", turned briefly into a gigantic platinum middle finger, and flounced the fuck out of their headquarters. Or she's simply here to spy for Will Magnus.

Looks like Dr. Magnus has yet to perfect his super duper wacky A.I. personalities.

Zatanna declines because she needs to find her father's killer. Nightwing declines because he's still mad at Batman. Blue Devil and Black Lightning decline because they're a team and Black Lightning is a teacher and wants to stay close to his local district to help the troubled youths. Flash doesn't want Goldrush because he's afraid of her strength. And by strength I mean libido.

Element Woman mentions Rex Mason, Metamorpho! I think that means all of the original Outsiders have cropped up. Sort of. Black Lightning is here. Looker and Halo have been mentioned and seen very, very briefly in Batman Incorporated. Metamorpho mentioned here. Katana has her own book. That leaves Geoforce but I count him as being mentioned simply because Terra exists. And because she was kidnapped by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. and had her memory fucked with, I imagine Geoforce will come looking for her some day.

And then Platinum freaks out because she suddenly doesn't know where she is. And she shows her love and concern for Will Magnus. Looks like her personality is kicking in! Too bad she begins kicking ass at the same time. Cyborg is in contact with Will and Will tells him about her Responsometer. Oh yeah! That was what the Wacky A.I. Personality mechanism was called! Since Platinum's personality resides solely in the Responsometer (although I think it reacts to the metal it's encased in to give the different personalities of the Metal Men, so technically the personality is a combination of the two), Magnus informs them that if they can separate the platinum from the Responsometer, she'll be stopped. Firestorm turns her platinum into water and her Responsometer crashes toward the floor! Oh noes! None of these super heroes have any abilities at all that can react in time to save it! Not The Flash! Not Superman! Not Batman! Not Wonder Woman! Not Cyborg! Not Firestorm! Not Element Woman! I can't think of any way at all that the Responsometer can be saved now!

Look at The Flash and those other dicks! Just standing there watching the thing crash to the ground. Fucking jerks.

Batman is looking for members to join the League full time because the other heroes have so many of their own commitments. So I understand why they choose Element Woman. I'm pretty sure she just sits in her apartment dreaming she had friends. I'm happy to see her on a team and interacting with people. But then they also choose The Atom who's currently in college and Firestorm who is currently in high school. How does that translate to being able to commit full time?

As soon as the League decides on the new members, their system crashes, their files are stolen, and a skull and crossbones pops up on the computer monitor. Somebody hacked their system during the interview and it looks like it may be the same person that kidnapped Ronnie Raymond's mom! I have a feeling Cyborg hacked himself. Not because he's a traitor but because he was probably infected with some kind of Trojan Horse virus. I wonder if he has anti-virus software installed?

Meanwhile in the back-up story, Black Adam is destroying New York looking for Shazam since he doesn't know that Shazam is currently hiding inside of a young boy. Um. Anyway, Freddy realizes Black Adam is looking for Shazam and tells his brothers and sisters all about Billy and Shazam because Billy needs their help. They find Billy hanging out at the zoo with Tawny and then they all set out to once again find the wizard and figure out how to give the Shazam powers to somebody else. I think they'll find that but not in the way they expect! It looks like the Shazam Family will be here soon!

Which is good because Dr. Sivanus has a super team of his own.

Justice League #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'd really like to know what incentives members get for joining the Justice League. Giffen's League all received paychecks, right? But it seems like whenever Superman and Batman are involved, it's gauche to bring up payment. Jerks.

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