Justice League Dark #17

Terrific cover. Except, of course, for the copy. I know the creative team on the book doesn't add the words to the covers, so who does? Who is in charge to put that fucking inane tripe on so many comic book covers?

Here is the copy from just three of the comic books from the last two weeks:

Justice League Dark: "Trapped in the lab from Hell!"
Talon: "Trapped in the depths of Gotham!"
Green Lantern: "Trapped in the land of death!"

I'm sure if it were another week, there might have been three or four "UNLEASHED" super heroes as well. Mostly that kind of thing doesn't really bother me because it isn't like a comic book cover is going to be hung on a wall as a print what with the UPC Bar Code and the cover price and the stupid flapping DC Comics logo. But I think most readers will agree the copy doesn't ever add anything to the book. Look at Batman Incorporated #8! Lose the fucking R.I.P. on the cover and I might have still been surprised by the death of Robin. But (and this really fucking pisses me off) corporations don't give a fuck about the people already handing over their money. Who fucking cares if loyal readers are surprised? We need more fucking money so put Robin's death right there on the fucking cover and in the stupid fucking 52 News Comic in the back so we can sell more fucking comic books to the people that don't really give a shit about reading Batman Incorporated. But they'll definitely want the Death of Robin in their collection! This happens all the time with television shows as well but mostly I don't watch any of those shows. I just laugh at their stupid fucking commercials that spoil the episode every week for loyal viewers simply to get other viewers interested. Fuck you, you douchebags. How about thinking up another way to sell your stupid show or book than by ruining it for the fanbase? Dicks.

I don't know how anybody trusts any major corporation at all. It always confuses me when people have brand loyalty. You realize the corporation doesn't give a fuck about you, right? If they gave a crap about anything besides the bottom line, they wouldn't try to gain your business by telling half-truths in their adverts asterisked half to death with footnotes changing the reality and meaning of the fucking lie they printed in bold print.

How many of y'all are old enough to remember Fight Back! with David Horowitz? That guy was one of my heroes as a kid. Sure, challenging the veracity of commercials was akin to tilting windmills. But at least somebody was out there sticking it to these corporations that feel the only way people will buy their products are if they lie to and manipulate buyers. David Horowitz taught me about transparency and I never forgot that lesson. If a company has to hide their business practices or massage the truth to earn a buck, they're not worth shit. Fucking David Horowitz. I wish he were here today to single-handedly roam the country like a 21st century Kwai Chang Caine kicking the asses of every member of every local news station so they'd get their act together and stop simply reporting spoon fed bullshit from press releases and start doing some fucking investigations of their own.

I wonder how much David Horowitz was paid by Orville Redenbacher Popcorn for that episode I linked to?! In my mind, it wouldn't even matter if David Horowitz had been corrupt and just a corporate shill because he didn't get me to go buy "honest" products. I was just a kid! But he did teach me valuable lessons about advertising and corporate corruption. Maybe he was simply paid by the Communists to spread anti-capitalist propaganda! If so, good job, Communists. Good job! Although I don't think Communists in the late seventies and early eighties understood the value of entertainment programming and production. If this had been Communist propaganda, he probably would have shown Orville's popcorn fail and then burned an effigy of Orville Redenbacher filled with his popcorn. "Die, capitalist pig and your bourgeois butter flavored popping treats!"

You know, I had in mind beginning this commentary discussing the things I liked about this cover and holy fuck did I take a wrong turn! What I was going to say was, "The look on Frank's face is awesomest!"

This issue of Justice League Dark begins with Madame Xanadu realizing how fucking useless she is. If your primary ability is to see the future and the future constantly turns out different than what you see, are you really helping to save the world and keep it from being destroyed or are your visions just always fucking wrong?!

Yeah, you dumb psychic fraud. I'm on to you!

Did I already mention how last issue both Faerie and Earth Prime were about to tear themselves apart because of the connection between them made by Dr. Mist's portal? Well that was happening. And it looks like the only way to stop this sudden venting of chaotic magic is to get Zatanna and Tim Hunter to cast as many spells as they possibly can and act as a kind of emergency release valve for the pressure. Dr. Peril figures this out but he's on the wrong side of the portal to let Zatanna know the plan. So Tim Hunter's dad, whose thinking is probably still a bit muddled from ejaculating on the Books of Magic, volunteers to cross over and deliver the message. Also the message might be something completely different than my speculation about the emergency release valve since the scene ended before Dr. Peril tells it to Mr. Hunter.

Meanwhile on Faerie, Timothy Hunter has gone all Harry Potter on everyone. Which is to say Timothy Hunter has gone all Timothy Hunter since Harry Potter was such a blatant rip-off of Timothy Hunter! Just saying!

Harry Potter and the Dragon's Dick? Harry Potter and the Army of Fairies? Harry Potter and the Woman Who Said "TNUC YM KCIL!"?

The fairies and ogres and goblins and kobolds and minotaurs and centaurs and beholders...no wait! Not beholders because they're intellectual property of Wizards of the Coast and I wouldn't want to be sued by Wizards of the Coast for fucking with their intellectual property, would I? [As an aside before I get back to my list of creatures, Lord Fondlerot (the minotaur in the previous link) is one of my favorite characters I've ever created. When he first appears in Dwarf Lover, he does the Dick in a Box thing (not an actual dick! Fondlerot's junk is actually a piece of driftwood!). But that was before the SNL video Dick in a Box. I'm not saying Andy Samberg stole the idea from Lord Fondelrot. I'm fucking typing it.] Back to my list of monsters...ah screw it! All those monsters and the ones I didn't list have finally decided to stop cowering in the woods and attack the capital city of Sciencetonia.

Meanwhile in the Science Labs, the cover turns out to be a big lie! Everybody is in the tentacular interrogation machine except Frank!

Frank's truth? "NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!" SMASH BANG CRASH KILL!

In the interrogation room, Xanadu realizes that all her years are finally catching up to her and she's going to die. So she does one last reading for John.

So Xanadu's great power is to tell John that he's a selfish twat that will do anything to survive? She's the worst! Any one of John's companions could have given that reading!

John and his friends escape the lab to find a way out of the city while Tim Hunter and his army begin their attack on the city. I think Tim Hunter's father got lost somewhere in the portal.

Justice League Dark #17 Rating: +2 Ranking. Now that Infernal Core has left the fucking building, this comic is back on track! Stop using the better comics for ulterior purposes, DC! Can't the editors at DC distinguish between good writing and bad writing? Don't you think they'd just "UNLEASH!" the good writers instead of leaving them "TRAPPED!" in an editorial quagmire?