That's it, Tim! Use your smarts! A right fucking hook is going to bring down Firestorm. You, sir, truly are the biggest genius in the DCnU.
Here are my wishes for this comic book:
1. Ronnie's mom pulls some racist bullshit and pisses off Jason's dad. Hopefully during anal sex.
2. Jason and Ronnie have at least one scene that can be read as if they're in love.
3. Tim Drake loses his virginity. Doesn't matter to whom.
4. Kid Flash is more entertaining written by Dan Jurgens than by Scott Lobdell (this is less a wish and more a certainty).
5. Solstice hits on Ronnie or Jason and is rebuffed.
The issue begins with Firestorm "fixing" Mt. Rushmore. I put fixing in quotes because he's really just returning it to National Monument Normality. He should turn the faces into Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Black Lightning. Or maybe Max Lord, Amanda Waller, Niles Caulder, and leave Dr. Megala.
Come on, Dan Jurgens. U2? Really? You do realize it's 2013, right? Why not KISS? You could have at least had him suggest The Village People or Abba.
Do it, Mister Officer Sir! Put out the flames! I've been wondering what would happen!
Let's see if the Teen Titans agree with me! They're currently discussing Firestorm because Red Robin trained with Batman so he subscribes to the belief that anybody with too much power needs to be watched closely. Bah! He's just like America!
That's what I thought, Red Robin! Especially when he dropped that knowing "U2" reference! Obviously a youngster!
Back in Walton Mills, Ronnie's mom acts really creepy by telling Jason that his dad is a really special man. Then she heads off to fuck him, leaving Ronnie and Jason both severely creeped out. Darn. Maybe Jurgens is saving the implosion of Ronnie's mom's relationship for the final issue of Firestorm.
Eventually Firestorm heads off to repair Star Labs where he runs into three of the Teen Titans (the ones on the cover!). I don't know why Bunker didn't make it. Perhaps he would have interfered with Red Robin's Gaydar. Kid Flash mentions how Red Robin was right again and when is he ever wrong? Well, he's wrong in the panel immediately following their appearance when he accuses Ronnie of being one of N.O.W.H.E.R.E.'s soldiers with some nasty agenda! Why is Red Robin a super genius at times and an arrogant bastard that jumps to incorrect conclusions at others? Oh wait. I think that question answers itself.
Another timely pop culture reference to prove that Firestorm must be a teenager.
Ronnie's opening move is to shoot Solstice in the tits. Jason is horrified but he can't do anything because he's just an impotent incorporeal floating head. Next Ronnie turns Kid Flash's boots into flippers. That's actually a pretty smart move! Now Kid Flash will probably only be able to run half the speed of light. And Kid Flash can't take his flippers off or his feet will vibrate out of control and explode. Time for Red Robin to stop this!
Prepared with pills?
Wrong question, Solstice. Why do they always begin in conflict? It would be one thing if heroes actually tried to begin in a dialogue that isn't completely composed of threats.
Too bad Ronnie Raymond still has one big surprise waiting for him at home.
Ronnie's mom! NOOOOOOOO!!!
Firestorm #17 Rating: No change. Dan Jurgens is definitely still writing comic books for the 1980s.