Justice League International Annual #3 (1989)

Fire, Ice, Beetle, and Booster in Season Three of White Lotus. Spoiler: the dead body was Blue Beetle.

I fucking hate Annuals but here I am reading them because stupid 18 year old me decided to buy them. I think DC knew fans hated Annuals which is why they eventually decided to have big summer crossover events that took place in the Annuals. The editors were all, "Nobody is buying the fucking Annuals. How do we force them to buy the Annuals? If only Paul Dini would hurry up and create Harley Quinn, we could stick her on the cover of every Annual and people would snatch them up like they were acid tabs with Harley Quinn printed on them. But no! The fucking lazy bastard. I guess we'll have to tie all of the Annuals into a huge crossover event and then tie the event into one or two of the monthly issues. That'll teach the bastards to not buy Annuals! Or will it teach them to buy Annuals? Can somebody explain to me the difference between those two statements and which one I should be using?"

Despising annuals is like having a phantom limb. I used to hate them because they didn't fit into continuity very well, and often could just be ignored, and yet I bought them anyway, just in case! Now I don't read comics for any universal continuity and so I should just enjoy the stories told within annuals. But I can't shake the memory of my intense hatred of them. Maybe it's just that I don't really enjoy comic books the way I want to enjoy comic books. I think the only things I truly love earnestly are Sailor Moon and Lazy Town.

The first story is about a Pacific Islander tribe who have a problem: their location makes them a strategic foothold for both the Soviets and the Americans but they just want to be left alone. One of the tribe has a less-than-brilliant idea: give the island to Justice League International so it basically becomes neutral territory. What inspired Giffen and DeMatteis to think up this story? Was it the plot of a Marx Brothers' movie? Or did the artist, Mike McKone, approach them over lunch in the commissary one day and say, "Hey, can you write a story so that I can draw Fire and Ice in bikinis?" Then they were all, "Oh boy can we!" Then he turned in some concept art and they were all, "Maybe we'll keep their clothes on for this one."

What the fuck is going on with The Flash's lower torso? Is that The Flash's schlong?! How does he run so fast with that thing flapping between his legs?!

Max is sending various members of the Justice League to various embassies around the world. I'm afraid this story is going to be just as boring as it sounds. Unless it's full of 80s stereotypes! Then I might get a few rough chuckles out of it.

Ten pages in and there's little story but DeMatteis has dropped a joke about Brooklyn College not being a great school five times already. My initial thought was, "I bet Keith Giffen went there!" But it turns out DeMatteis went there and this is a bit of the old self-abasement. The tribe member from Kooey Kooey Kooey Island looks pretty white as well so maybe he's based on entirely on J.M. DeMatteis. It's hard to tell if the character looks like DeMatteis as I didn't do a lot of digging and 60+ year old DeMatties, bald and graying, doesn't look anything like the young guy in this issue. The character really just looks like Max Lord with a blonde wig.

Herb, the Kooey Kooey Kooey liaison whom I'm assuming is a J.M. DeMatteis stand-in, arrives in Tokyo but is sent on to New York via the Justice League teleporters known for destroying luggage (as we were reminded in the panel with The Flash's horse penis). The rest of the team has moved on to check out the inactive embassy in Brazil, so Martian Manhunter and Oberon will have to deal with the Kooey Kooey Kooey delegate (KKK? Really, DeMatteis?).

Go woke, go get shot in the face by Maxwell Lord. Is that how the Incel Gamergate saying goes?

Just to make sure everybody feels as disgusted as I do, there hasn't been a single panel starring Ralph Dibny where his neck wasn't at least 20 feet long.

Ugh. So gross.

Imagine if you had some big, long extremity. Would you go flashing it all...oh, never mind. I see why he does it.

Meanwhile, The Rising Sun, one of the Global Guardians who was brainwashed by Queen Bee to convince Europe that the Justice League were Nazis but then fell into a coma, has been transferred to the Justice League Japanese Embassy. It's not because Europeans don't know how to treat Japanese like you probably thought because you're almost certainly a huge racist! It's because Doctor Light, who is also Japanese, wants to have a look at him. Not because he's Japanese and she can only work on Japanese patients like you probably thought because you're almost certainly a huge racist! It's because they both have light powers! Unless it's because of the Japanese thing which is what I first thought because I'm apparently almost certainly a huge racist.

But at least I'm not a transphobe like Animal Man! Probably.

I say things like "I'm almost certainly a huge racist" and "I'm probably not a transphobe" because I'm not a perfect human being and I'm going to make mistakes. And if you think of yourself as perfect and not racist or biased in anyway, you close yourself off to accepting criticism and changing. Because if you view yourself as perfect and blameless, any criticism against you will be seen as a malicious attack! I prefer to think of myself as a terribly slow moving work-in-progress! Also, I know I'm a dinosaur and nothing I say or do matters. I'm content to let the kids change the world into whatever they think it should be! Why the fuck should I have negative opinions about it? In my day, we played a game called Smear the Queer and used the word "gay" to denote anything that was lame. Why would I think the version of the world I grew up in should never be lost?! Good riddance!

Martian Manhunter has been saddled with leading the Kooey Kooey Kooey delegation from embassy to embassy trying to catch up to Maxwell Lord. But they keep managing to stay one embassy ahead of him.

They don't stock a lighter or a book of matches at the Tokyo Embassy?

Max Lord and the others arrive at the London Embassy where they find it run by John Cleese's character from Fawlty Towers. It's mostly forgettable but I mention it because it leads to a really rare unicorn Elongated Man panel:

I guess when his neck is normal sized, his dick hangs down to his knees. No wonder he keeps his neck so long! It's less embarrassing.

Eventually Martian Manhunter catches up to everybody else in Paris where Max Lord makes a deal to create an embassy on Kooey Kooey Kooey Island. Which is why I dug up this annual to read while in the middle of reading Justice League America #33 and learning, via a note from the editor, that this comic had apparently been published before that issue. That's another reason I hate Annuals! Shouldn't this have been published after JLA Issue #36?!

That's the first story coming in at 32 pages. And according to the cover, the second story is also going to be 32 pages. Another reason I hate Annuals! Why do they have to be so long to tell the dumbest stories?!

In the second story, Martian Manhunter teams up with Batman to investigate the murder of a Gotham cop whom J'onn worked with when he first came to Earth. Turns out the cop's death was a random killing by some drugged up kid and not some huge conspiracy planned by a mob boss. Batman is all, "I'm sorry to report that his death was random and there is already a Batman so I don't know how you're going to deal with it." And Martian Manhunter is all, "Everything happens for a reason. That's Martian wisdom! Y'all don't have wisdom like that on Earth apparently or else you wouldn't be so fucking insane, Batman." Then Martian Manhunter flashes a few people in his true form and it makes him feel better. Batman continues to never feel better. The end!

The issue finishes with several Who's Who entries on the Embassy Chiefs and an assortment of other employees. I read them all because they were sort of funny and Keith Giffen did the art for the character portraits. The Russian bodyguards, twin sisters, keep a running total on all of the men they've fucked. Numbers were not given.

Justice League International Annual #3 Rating: I don't rate Annuals! It wasn't terrible but the cover was the best part. That means I could have looked at it on the rack back in 1989 and been satisfied but instead I decided to blow a buck seventy-five on it, read it, forget everything in it, wait thirty years, and read it again. Future plans: forget everything in it.

Justice League Europe #8 (1989)

Bart Sears is the proto-Rob Liefeld: "Gonna add all these soap bubbles so I don't have to get the feet right! Genius!"

Also don't look at Ice's waist because you might think thoughts critical of Bart Sears' drawing skills. And I'd hate for anybody to think critical thoughts on the Internet, especially if they can't draw a better Ice than Bart Sears drew! Fucking scumbags! Get out of here with your negative thoughts, you huge motherfucking pieces of shit who probably kick puppies right into the sides of kittens! Assholes.

Do you think some male artists think it's gay when they have to draw Captain Atom's ass? I bet David Finch has to draw eight female superheroes in towels coming out of the shower for every one man ass he draws. And I bet he pepper sprays himself in the face after drawing that ass.

The issue begins with Doctor Fate having just been expelled from the Realm of Order and ready to face what she needs to do. Emphasis on the "face."

Did nobody tell Bart Sears that Doctor Fate wears a golden helmet and that isn't just her face?

It's weird that earlier I identified Bart Sears as the proto-Rob Liefeld but here I'm just proven completely wrong. Bart Sears can draw a character emoting even while they're wearing a helmet while all of Rob's characters simply look like they're wearing helmets full of gritted teeth.

The Justice League arrive at Stagg's factory to find it surrounded by an army of the things they are now calling "zombie-vampires." Boring. I would have made a toxin that turned people into Werewolf-Mr. Hydes. You might think that's redundant but what I'm really saying is I'm a pretty lazy worker and that seems like the easiest kind of toxin to make.

Wait what? How does everybody just lose their suits they were wearing? How does Beetle not know how it happened?!

Notes Bart Sears didn't get before he finished the art on this comic book: 1. Doctor Fate wears a helmet. 2. The Justice League were all wearing HazMat suits.

Unless the Justice League is ready to just let Captain Atom and Fire unleash a swath of fire and radiation to melt the horde of infected villagers, I can't see how the Justice League is going to help out here. You'd think they'd at least evacuate the plant instead of standing around discussing what to do. Then let the creatures in and have Guy Gardner make a huge green prison around the place. And if they can't find a cure, Guy can just make the prison airtight so that they all suffocate! Man, I should be leading the team!

The Grey Man and Teasdale approach the Justice League themselves instead of using their army of monsters to destroy them. I'm sure that will be cleared up better than what happened to the HazMat suits. I mean, their whole objective is to kill as many people as possible. Why would they approach for a parley?

I was going to complain about The Flash repeating himself but then I saw Elongated Man and his stretched out neck and now I'm fuming that Ralph Dibny exists.

Has there ever been a more disgusting and useless superhero than Elongated Man? He can't go one minute with his neck the correct size. He never stops twitching that fucking nose. And he's somehow banging one of the hottest women in the DC Universe! Fucking man, I wish Jean Loring had accidentally killed him instead of Sue! Then Sue could have pretended to be upset, giving her the chance to cry on Captain Atom's cock and seduce him. Jesus Christ now I'm imagining what kind of damage Captain Atom's hot load could do to a person!

Teasdale and The Grey Man want to recover the vats full of Teasdale's toxin and the Justice League just lets them waltz on by because The Batman is afraid of The Grey Man. I'm pretty sure this is the second time in this story that he pisses himself, especially since Kevin Smith made it canon that Batman sometimes pisses himself. Man, we're so lucky to have Kevin Smith!

The vats are huge so I don't know how Teasdale and The Grey Man expect to remove them. Oh wait. I keep forgetting this is a comic book and The Grey Man can probably just teleport shit wherever he wants.

Doctor Fate arrives to stop The Grey Man and Teasdale since the rest of the League have decided to stand around picking their noses with Guy Gardner.

At least Guy has never admitted to pissing himself!

I'll never stop talking about Kevin Smith writing a story in which Batman describes pissing himself in his early years as the Caped Crusader simply because it pissed off so many comic book nerds.

Teasdale finally commands his army to attack as he gets ready to release enough toxin to infect the entire world. But when they walked through those electrified fences earlier that they walked through? Well, they're still up and electrified. So the army of zombie-vampires simply marches straight into it, frying themselves to death.

Quick quiz: Is Batman responsible for all of these deaths?! Of course not! He just stood around doing nothing. You can't blame a person for doing nothing! Sheesh!

The Grey Man grows more and more powerful with each death as he absorbs their dream essence (his job) and their souls (not his job at all). Teasdale just stands around with his dick in his hands.

I know sometimes you don't believe the things I write but I urge you to believe me more often than not. Dick. Hands.

Okay, fine. I admit I altered the color of the microphone he's holding. But it makes more sense that his dick is in that location and not a microphone. What is a microphone hooked up to the outside sound system doing set up right alongside the toxic vats? Oh, probably an emergency warning system in case there happens to be a critical failure and also happens to be an employee who would rather die while alerting everybody instead of running for their life.

The Grey Man sucks up so many souls that he grows to 100 feet in height. The Lords of Order look on, yawn, and say, "Not our fault, right, Batman?"

Why? God I hate him.

I don't think I've ever realized just how much unbridled fury toward Elongated Man I was full of until re-reading Justice League Europe. I hope King Shark eats him so that Ralph can live in his tummy as Yo-yo's roommate.

Oh! You know who is good at becoming super big and fighting other super big threats? The Spectre! Is The Spectre finally going to save the day instead of just making sure somebody who murdered somebody else winds up murdered?

The Spectre, continuing to sit on the sidelines until probably the last minute, leaves this magical fight up to Doctor Fate. Doctor Fate uses an absolutely brand new power, to which the old Doctor Fate in no way had access, to knock The Gray Man to the ground.

She flashes her vagina at him.

The Grey Man engages in one of those bits of dialogue where he has to say, surprised, "You hurt me!" That's so the reader can understand that Doctor Fate's vagina is muy powerful. He then decides to wrap up some loose ends by stepping on Teasdale in a panel that I simply can't believe got past the Comics Code Authority. I mean, if they're not censoring this gory mess, what the fuck are they up to? You know what, don't answer that. I bet 80% of the stuff they were censoring were story arcs Christians would simply lose their shit over, like gay couples and interracial drug-users.

You didn't think I was going to mention the panel and not scan it, did you?!

To save the day, The Spectre arrives with the Lords of Order and the Lords of Chaos in tow. Apparently The Grey Man was a big enough threat that the Lords of Chaos decided to get involved and then the Lords of Order, not to be out done, decided to stop pouting and help out. Together, they drain The Grey Man of his dream essence, turn him into a walking vegetable, and set him back to work. So with The Grey Man lobotomized and back on the job, and Teasdale turned into jam, and all the zombie-vampires fried to a crisp, the Justice League has nothing left to do but go home. Except for Power Girl who has to go to the hospital because she was swatted by The Grey Man and he's comprised mostly of magic and magic really hurts Kryptonians. I know she's not supposed to be Kryptonian and you'd think her new post-Crisis identity as an Atlantean would have made her less vulnerable to magic, but as I mentioned in a previous entry, we know she was never Atlantean! So even if it was accidental, J.M. DeMatteis gets the lore right in this story! Anyway, she's dying and Wally West is at her bedside practically showing her his dick.

Did DeMatteis think this scene would be touching?! I mean emotionally touching because it's obviously Wally doing sleep-creep touching!

Justice League #8 Rating: C. The Justice League were about as useful here as the Titans were in their Wolfman-Perez run. They stood around watching a bunch of villagers die while The Spectre ran off and got help. The Spectre was on the case from the beginning and I don't see how anything would have been different if the Justice League had just stayed home. Maybe Doctor Fate helped out a little bit but is she even really part of the team yet? She was basically going in for an interview when this whole mess fell in their laps. Back in the day, I didn't give a shit if the heroes I was reading about were actually heroes or not. I just wanted to see some action and maybe some jokes and hopefully Supergirl's and or Lobo's ass. Nowadays I think it's important that heroes act like heroes, mostly so GamerGate incels lose their shit and expose themselves for the rotten arseholes they truly are. "What the fuck?! Why does Superman care so much about racism all of a sudden?! Fucking woke bullshit man! Just do stories where he smashes aliens in the face and don't make the alien a stand-in for racism because we'll all know! And even if we don't know, we'll accuse you of it if you introduce two Black characters!"

Justice League America #32 (1989)

Fingers crossed we get to see Batman punch a little girl in the face this issue.

Last issue, everybody but Batman realized they were fighting three villages worth of vampires. Batman, using the kind of logic that should exist outside of comic books but shouldn't actually exist in the world of comic books, knows better. Batman knows so much better that he actually knows what's wrong with these people who definitely are not vampires. But being Batman, and being that last issue was only the second part of a four part story, he couldn't elaborate.

This issue is called "Breaking Point!" which is strange because it's not an obvious pun or reference to a movie from the 1930s. Giffen and DeMatteis are losing their edge.

This issue begins with the Secondary Bad Guy (the nerdy little scientist freak who hates Simon Stagg and is being bossed around by the Main Bad Guy, The Gray Man) launching a can of toxic vampire gas into the Justice League bivouac.

I'd hate to get hit in the face with one of those cans. You know what cans I'm talking about.

You might be thinking, "No way! Please slap me in the face with two out of three of the cans in those panels!" But may I remind you that they are Kryptonian cans? They'll crush your skull! You might now be thinking, "No way! She's not Kryptonian! She's Atlantean or some such shit. Whatever." But may I remind you that would mean growing up under high pressure which probably means those cans will still crush your skull? Also, she finds out later that she always was Kryptonian so you can ignore that other shit. Fucking Crisis on Infinite Earths. It broke way more than it fixed.

The gas explodes all over the UN Peacekeepers, none of whom are wearing protective gear, probably because the Justice League are hogging it all. Batman is all, "Oh, yeah. That's the shit turning everybody into so-called vampires." Nobody says, "How is that any more rational than believing they're actually vampires? A bio-weapon that turns people into the undead? Next you're going to ask me to believe Nightwing can ride his motorcycle straight up a skyscraper!" And Batman is all, "He is pretty good on that thing. He was in the circus, remember?" And then Rocket Red is all, "Stupid American saying nobody actually says!" which causes him to miss Ice's cute tush.

I don't know for sure that is Ice's butt. It's also possible I want to do anal with Blue Beetle.

If you're just now finding out that I want to fuck cartoon characters then all I can say is, "Thank God you haven't found my blog about Erin Esurance."

Batman panics in the opposite of the way that fans will write all over Kevin Smith's View Askew message board to say that Batman would never piss himself ever.

Hopefully these HazMat suits come with built-in diapers.

This probably could have been avoided if Batman didn't have to be so mysterious and keep all of his information close to his bat-chest. But I guess if Batman couldn't expect that unprotected peacekeepers could suddenly be victims of the toxin that already victimized three villages, who could?!

Martian Manhunter doesn't need a suit because even though he doesn't know what is causing the vampirism, he makes the assumption that it won't affect Martians. He'd know better than I would! Like, do Martians even have blood? I think their bodies are just full of Sculpy. Guy Gardner also doesn't need a suit because his costume is the best costume in the DC Universe in 1989 and also his ring probably protects him. Captain Atom also doesn't need a suit because radiation?

This is definitely Ice and that's definitely the same butt as earlier so I almost certainly don't want to fuck Blue Beetle.

Fire doesn't need a HazMat suit either even though she's completely naked. I don't know why her nipples don't turn into little candle flames. I guess it's the same reason Captain Atom doesn't apparently have a penis. Stupid Comics Code! Did America really need to be saved from teenaged boners?

Fire has been roasting the vampire villagers alive with her new powers which probably means they're beyond hope. Or it means the follow-up story arc will be Fire on trial for international war crimes.

Doctor Teasdale watches the battle from far off, congratulating himself on defeating the Justice League until The Grey Man appears to shit all over him for not killing them. If I'd come along and heard him congratulating himself on defeating the Justice League, I would have pissed all over his joy too. Can you really consider this the Justice League when this League doesn't include Superman and Wonder Woman, and, even though I don't believe it but it would help my argument, Aquaman? Ninety-five percent of the power of Justice League America resides in Martian Manhunter and Guy Gardner! Booster Gold, Blue Beetle, Mister Miracle, Fire, and Ice share the final five percent (with a good portion of that being Fire now that she has new powers).

The teams regroup miles away from danger to argue about what to do next. Except for Wally West who tries to fuck Ice. Poor Ice. Just a bunch of garbage men hitting on her at every opportunity. I mean, if I were Ice, I'd have already fucked Guy Gardner. But The Flash? Get out of here with that Speed Force Dick! I wouldn't want friction burns on the inside of my vagina.

Simon Stagg arrives by helicopter to shed some light on the undead horde that was created to destroy him. As soon as the League sees him, Metamorpho is all, "Oh, that's why the army of undead was created. To kill this smug asshole. Figures." Stagg confesses that the gas was developed by his plant just down the road. Right to Batman's face! Stagg might have bigger balls than Lex Luthor! Definitely hairier balls anyway!

Teasdale decides the reader has been kept in the dark long enough (because there's only one and half issues left and we can't go into the last issue still not understanding what's happening) and begins his explication of all the events that transpired to move the story to this point. Teasdale worked for Stagg Industries developing bio-weapons. He made a vampire bio-weapon which worked so well that Simon Stagg was going to have him killed to keep all the credit for himself. But while they were testing it on humans in a remote village, Teasdale's life was saved by The Grey Man who saw what was happening and realized he could earn so much dream stuff from all the people this toxin killed that he could rival the Lords of Order themselves! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

The Spectre and Doctor Fate learn almost nothing from their visit with the Lords of Order. That little bit which kept them from learning absolutely nothing was that the Lords of Order have decided to sit around doing nothing for the next several thousand or million or billions years. They're pouting because it's currently not their turn at the top of the karmic wheel. So basically The Grey Man has gone rogue and it's up to the Justice League and their magic pals to stop him. Or just the magic pals. DeMatteis and Giffen seem to be trying their hardest to let the reader know that the Justice League is useless. Mostly by having various members of the Justice League say things like, "We're useless!" and "Hey! If you look up 'us' in the dictionary, there's a picture of 'us' a few entries later under 'useless'!"

Yeah! Imagine if it began killing people who mattered!

I know that's not what The Flash is saying but it's really fun to be cynical and contrary at times! But just sometimes! I wouldn't recommend it all the time or else you'll become a fifty year old loser whose major hobby is reading comic books he apparently hates and, according to my blog stats, telling around twenty people about them. I swear I'm more joyful in my Newsletter discussing Genesis!

One of the best things about Adam Hughes' art is how he approaches it like a director. His storyboarding of scenes and choice of camera angles are always imaginative and inventive. Really good stuff!

Stagg convinces the Justice League that he's the victim and it's some lunatic disgruntled scientist from his lab attacking him. They don't really believe him but they were planning on stopping the vampires anyway. Only an idiot or a conservative (redundant!) would choose to change what they were already doing because somebody else (a liberal!) said it was a good idea. I suppose this whole story arc where the billionaire industrialist is portrayed as a monster willing to kill thousands of innocent lives for pure profit is too fucking woke for them anyway. Too bad DC Comics went woke in 1989 and have been broke for the last 30 years. Idiots!

Justice League America #32 Rating: A: Adam Hughes is carrying a lot of the weight on that grade. His art is gorgeous to look at but his layouts are fucking genius. Sometimes the story distracts from simply marveling at his choices when laying out panels and pages. Just top of the line shit here. Fantastic! The story was a few strokes over par while playing on sodden greens. Not bad enough to ruin the day but sort of annoying knowing it could have been better. I don't know why I just made a golf analogy. I've only played like two or three times!

Justice League Europe #7 (1989)

"The Teasdale Imperative"? Isn't Teasdale the woman who faints at tea because Cerebus's tail busts out of the crotch of his pants like a massive boner?

I don't know what's going on on this cover so I just ignored it and brought up a comic book that has nothing to do with this one. Although I do need to get back to re-reading Cerebus eventually! My problem is that I'm too lazy to complete one project and yet I'm currently working on at least five. I will say this about Bart Sears' cover: for a guy who draws overly muscled people, sort of a pre-cursor of the 90s wave of new talent with a penchant for muscles, silly poses, and pouches, at least Bart Sears can draw a decent gun. Maybe. It's not like I know what guns should look like. But I do know they don't look like pieces of wood carved by a 7th Grader the night before their final project was due.

This issue begins in the unnamed Eastern European town being invaded by a mysterious and aggressive force of people. Justice League Europe is about to be overrun by the mob while...wait a second. Is that a nipple?!

I see Bart Sears was on the forefront of 90s odd anatomy and silly poses!

What could possibly get a nearly-invulnerable being's nipple hard? Surely nothing physical, like the fabric of her outfit or the temperatures. So it must be that Power Girl finds battling huge mobs somewhat erotic. Is that how nipples work? Or do they sometimes just get hard. I know penises work in that way where sometimes they just get hard and you're like, "What's going on, penis? What is it this time? A stiff breeze? Dew on a peach? A sudden remembrance of that dream you once had where you were fucking a vampire lady and holding her down as the sun came up and she exploded into dust and ash just as you blew your load?" Ha ha! I've got such a good imagination that I totally make up stuff instead of pulling dreams that I really had from my disturbing life!

The Justice League are having a tough time defending themselves because they're being attacked by regular people driven mad by an unknown cause. As a superhero, in that situation, you're supposed to not kill everybody, even if your life is in danger. From that definition, you can tell cops aren't superheroes. Luckily, Captain Atom notices that the lunatics are clawing and biting like vampires. Which probably means they can be fucked to death as the sun rises. I mean they can be punched a little harder than usual. Unless Captain Atom is just saying that because he's a military man and he knows that othering people is easiest way to excuse yourself from killing them. I think yelling, "They're vampires!", is like a conservative with a gun being owned by a Costco manager and yelling, "I'm feeling threatened!"

Justice League America arrives to save the day but there's something they don't know: vampirism is catching so they're all going to need stupid baggy hazmat suits. To warn them, Power Girl throws The Flash at them.

Yes, there is a more immediate reason: Power Girl fucking hates Wally West.

The evidence that the people infected are more than human begins to mount: Ice can freeze them in ice walls with no seeming harm; they can run through Fire's green flames, becoming engulfed, with no harm done; and Guy Gardner's ring, the most powerful weapon in the universe wielded by the most aggressive male on Earth, doesn't immediately kill all of them. Oh, and when the sun comes up, they all flee into basements and hidey-holes.

Blue Beetle mentions that he and Booster recently encountered a vampire and Batman is all, "You're an idiot because vampires don't exist." Look, Batman, I know you don't realize you're in a comic book but you do have the ability to observe the comic book universe all around you. To rule out vampires after all the weird crap you've seen, from magic to angels to aliens to Gods, how the fuck are you going to rule out vampires?! I'm pretty sure you've been a vampire a few times! Maybe Crisis wiped his memory of them.

This is proof that Power Girl is smarter than Batman. Probably why she winds up fucking Mister Terrific. Although that logical jerk wouldn't believe in vampires either, probably!

There's a page of interaction between The Gray Man and The Spectre but it's mostly to remind the reader that they're hanging out just outside of town. The Spectre still has no idea why he's there and The Gray Man is still drooling over the coming meal of corpse dreams. See, he has to collect the dream essence from the dead so he can feed it to The Lords of Order. Why do they feed on dead people's dreams? What can dead people possibly dream about?! Being alive? Fucking vampires as they burst into flames from the coming dawn?

Speaking of dreams, does everybody still vividly remember their first wet dream? What about all of their wet dreams?! At this point, I think at least 10% of my brain's memory is taken up by remembered wet dreams.

Martian Manhunter and Captain Atom discuss ways to defeat the vampiric hordes. Since the creatures would rather die than be caught alive, Captain Atom shares his plan with J'onn.

Being a shapeshifter, J'onn can't hide the fact that he thinks Captain Atom is a total dickhead.

Captain Atom engages in two pages of flashback detailing how Justice League Europe got involved. It's all information the reader could have filled in themselves although I know a lot of comic book readers hate not being told every little thing, so much so that many hate comic books if they don't have the character Narration Boxing all of their thoughts and intentions. But I think the two pages of flashback are just running interference between Captain Atom saying "They're innocent victims! We need to contain them!" to "Our only recourse might be to kill them all!" It's times like these that I think some comic book writers just see characters as the thing that the speech bubble comes out of. Perhaps it would have been better, seeing as how Captain Atom is the military guy, to have had him suggest the vampires might need to be killed initially and to have Martian Manhunter express that they're innocent. That's what happens after the flashback. Would have been nice to have that same ethical consistency before the flashback, seeing as how it's what anybody paying attention would have expected. I think J.M. felt he needed Captain Atom to fill in the innocent victim part early on when it would have been just as easy, and better, to have had J'onn bring that up.

Seriously, nobody believes the military man's first instinct wasn't to kill them all.

The real military guy, the head of the United Nations Peacekeeping force brought in to restore order, believes that order means killing all of the civilians to protect his soldiers. Insert into your imagination the meme of the anime guy and the butterfly saying, "Is this conflict of interest?"

Batman goes on to prove that he really does believe the creatures are vampires! He and Ralph hunt down some sleepers after which Batman orders Ralph to pull one into the sunlight. You could say Batman asks Ralph because he has long bendy arms capable of reaching into the vampire's den and easily pulling one out into the sunlight. Or you could say Batman was pretty sure that the sunlight would explode the vampire into a sexy cloud of ash and dust. And Batman doesn't kill. Therefore Batman knew the person would likely explode into hot ash (hot in that it's sexy) thus proving Batman believes in vampires. Also proving Batman is a huge liar.

After witnessing this, Batman pretends he's even more convinced they're not vampires.

I guess pulling the "vampire" into the sun was one of those "A-ha!" moments you'd get in some Sherlock Holmes mystery where some piece of evidence is uncovered and Watson is all, "Look at this trash that means nothing," but then Holmes is all, "Oh you're so stupid. Such an imbecile. Was your doctorate honorary? Pass me my opium pipe while I contemplate your ignorance!" Because whatever Batman just saw, it's given him the answer to the mystery. But he's unwilling to share it with Ralph because we're only in Issue #2 of a four issue story. Readers can't be informed as to what's going on this early or they won't want to stick around for the end! At least that's the way average comic book writers and editors think. I believe the more you reveal, the more interested the reader becomes and the more willing they are to stick it through to the story's conclusion. But then I'm just a big dumb critic who can't make anything himself! That's probably an actual critique I've received from Tumblr.

And then we finally get to meet Teasdale! He's a wimpy little wimp wimping all over himself in his effort to get revenge on Simon Stagg. I'm guessing they went to college together and Simon Stagg got Teasdale kicked out of the Quantum Physics Club by . . . dammit, I don't know! I wish I were smarter so I could have come up with a quantum physics joke right there. What even is quantum physics? Is it like little physics? Oh! So regular physics is all about big regular stuff! And quantum physics is about little stuff! I bet Stagg made a joke about Teasdale's quantum penis in front of the entire chess club when Teasdale tried to . . . dammit, I don't know! I wish I were smarter so I could have come up with a chess joke right there! But no! All my brain could come up with was that one of the chess pieces is a horse and horse's are best known for having a huge cock.

Teasdale doesn't reveal why he wants revenge against Stagg or what his plan is other than turning a bunch of people into vampires to attack somewhere twenty miles from where they're currently attacking the Justice Leagues. He's working with The Gray Man because The Grey Man probably wants a whole bunch of dream essence all for himself. Maybe that's why The Spectre has been compelled to visit this tragedy. He's meant to stop this jerk from getting out of order.

"You wanted me to do it! What if I just stayed here and ruined your ambition? Christ you deserve it!"

We learn that Buddy Baker isn't just useless but he also misses his kids. Rocket Red tries to console him and reminds him of the most important thing ever learned from 80s pop songs: the Russians love their kids too. They walk off into the sunset together so you know what 18 year old me thought seeing that panel.

The issue ends with Doctor Fate locating The Spectre which helps The Spectre realize what he's supposed to be doing: confronting the Lords of Order! The two of them disappear in a mystic portal as The Grey Man laughs maniacally nearby revealing his plan to rule the world!

Justice League Europe #7 Rating: B. Bart Sears' art is way too harsh and realistic for me. I've been saying how it feels, to me, like the beginning of the 90s Image art trend but I just realized what it actually looks like to me: if Neal Adams attempted to be more like Todd McFarlane or Whilce Portacio. He's the Missing Link! As for the story, it was okay. Not a lot of substance that wasn't either filling in stuff I didn't need filled in because I can make connections and heroes arguing about whether or not the bad guys might be vampires. If you put all the panels together that discussed vampires, it was probably eight pages of this comic. That's probably too much! Giffen and DeMatteis know I'm reading a comic book about aliens and people with super powers, right?! My suspension of disbelief isn't going to crack over a bunch of vampires! I don't need Batman to give me a logical explanation for them! Did they forget Metamorpho is one of the heroes in Justice League Europe?! A guy made out of whatever element he wants to be made out of? A guy who probably never shits and pisses although I have to assume he fucks or why would Sapphire want to leave a caveman for him? Because you know the caveman fucks! What else would a caveman know how to do?! Zugzug all day, baby!

Hey, did you know I had a Newsletter where I basically do this same shit but about Genesis? Give it a follow!

Justice League America #31 (1989)

Why is Ice so intrigued? And why is Wally, super horndog, so repulsed? And what has happened that was so inappropriate that Beetle is losing his shit? And what is coming out of Dr. Fate's asshole?

Don't worry, I know why Wally is so repulsed. This comic is from 1989. It's only ten Reagan-years removed from the 1979 movie Phantasm which made one of its big horror moments a, in the parlance of the time, "tranny trick." And if you're thinking, "Well, 10 years should have improved people's attitudes," there's a reason I noted they were "Reagan-years." They're like regular years where prices increase and technology gets better but society moves backwards. That's why, on this cover, it's just a big joke that Wally, who wants to fuck every person with a nice set of tits and a great ass, is suddenly grossed out by this fantastic pair of tits and, I'm assuming, a superb ass. Is he grossed out because Doctor Fate is usually a man? Is he freaked that Nabu, a male God of Order, is inhabiting the body of a woman? I'm not sure. Maybe it's because Doctor Fate is both a man and a woman at one time?

You know what? I shouldn't blame the times. Grant Morrison was beginning his run on Doom Patrol in 1989 which would push all kinds of boundaries and celebrate all manner and types of people. If I need to put any blame on backwards attitudes, I guess that blame will go to Giffen and DeMatteis. Although I shouldn't make assumptions based on the reactions of some of the characters on this cover. Wally could be acting that way because Doctor Fate just blew a huge mystic fart. There's evidence for that as well! And that's probably why Blue Beetle is laughing so hard! I'm sure he's not laughing because Wally just hit on Doctor Fate and Nabu spoke in a manly voice and then Wally was all, "Oh God I'm gay!" Actually I'm not sure of that at all. In fact, I feel almost certain that's exactly what just happened prior to this scene.

Blue Beetle also just might be laughing at whatever is going on with Captain Atom's crotch.

"Wish there's something I could have done about it," thinks the nearly Godlike being. The Spectre is a fucking centrist.

"Oh, but I'm not allowed to interfere and save people from evil! I only punish evil after the fact!" The Spectre farts out of his asshole of his mouth. Well, might-as-well-be-a-cop godlike being if you can't even stop anything horrible from happening, maybe if the rules suck, you shouldn't follow the rules? Maybe use your powers to interfere in evil's plans as they're happening instead of waiting for the victims and then asking the spirits of the victims, "Hey, are you angry that happened to you? If so, check 'Seek Vengeance.' If no, why the fuck not, you weirdo?!"

The Spectre encounters The Gray Man in this destroyed place with no dead bodies. The Gray Man works for the Lords of Order collecting dream essence from the heads of corpses. We've seen a version of him before in Justice League International #2-7. But that guy hated the job and killed himself or something. I can't remember. It's been a long time! This one seems like he loves his job and can't wait to follow the repercussions of whatever just transpired in this destroyed town because it's going to create a lot of dead people. The Spectre was "compelled" here to meet The Gray Man, I guess, and maybe so he can warn the Justice League that some cosmic and/or heavenly tragedy is about to transpire. If I were the Justice League, I wouldn't wait around for some jerk like The Spectre to appear and threaten me into doing his bidding. I'd just get Madame Xanadu on the payroll so every other day she can be all, "The end of the world is nigh unless you get me some chocolate milk from the corner store!"

Meanwhile, unaware that they're about to face an actual threat to the world for once, Booster Gold, Mister Miracle, and Blue Beetle are reconditioning a Justice League Shuttle in the old cave headquarters outside Metropolis (recently rented out to the Doom Patrol as they begin their best adventures under Grant Morrison's authorship). They're also involved in a conversation that I'm sure eighteen year old me thought was fantastically postmodern.

Now I'm just confused. Am I reading the comic book version of the team? Or is this the real version (in a comic book) and they're somehow even more ridiculous in the comic book's comic book version?

In other news, eighteen year old me definitely got a boner from the next scene. And not the kind of joke boner where you say, "Boooooing!", and pretend that you got a boner. I mean an actual erection.

I'm probably wrong about the boner thing. At eighteen, I was actually more into Warhammer than boners.

Some people don't understand the difference between text and subtext so let me point out that me being a virgin at eighteen is subtext and also just speculation on your part! You don't know that a lot of Warhammer players fuck! You think some sweaty nerd has never swung a phalanx of Space Marines around the back side of a legion of Nurgle's minions in a surprise charge that absolutely obliterated them while a woman stood nearby watching and ruining her underwear? You think wrong, my friend!

Doctor Fate arrives on the scene. She's currently made up of one Linda Strauss and not one Kent Nelson. She, a grown woman, usually merges with Eric Strauss, a ten year old boy, her stepson, to become Doctor Fate. That might sound gross but you also haven't heard about the part where Eric's body was rapidly matured to be that of a man while still being a ten year old child. You also might think that's gross but you haven't heard the part where Linda begins to have romantic feelings for Eric. You might think that's gross but I haven't even gotten to the part where Eric reciprocates. I have no idea what was going on in the Doctor Fate comic book in the late 80s but I fucking wish I had been reading it! It sounds fantastic! Oh, and Kent Nelson is a corpse but his body has been possessed by Nabu so Kent Nelson's corpse is still walking around and hanging out. You saw him recently in that issue where Blue Beetle had been turned into a Bialyan Candidate.

Doctor Fate was advised by Nabu to see if the Justice League could use her help and maybe offer her some training and experience. So she uses her magic to slip through the roof of the JLA Embassy and surprise the Justice League.

Either Doctor Fate emerged inside Martian Manhunter, exploding him into green paste, or G'nort just threw up. Oh! Maybe Fire exploded into a fireball! And I guess that other sound effect is an alarm?

Batman drops by so that Oberon can spend a page explaining to him what just happened in the panel with the split pea soup flying out of the window. Obviously it was Fire being surprised by Doctor Fate and, not being in total control of her powers yet, blowing up. But the alarm needed explaining and, well, Oberon explained it but I don't know why it had to be a part of this comic. Maybe the new JLA security which identifies members of the group by costume and whether or not they usually have tits and if it doesn't recognize them, an alarm goes off will be an important plot point later in this story.

Batman, like me, doesn't give a shit about Oberon's explanation. But I, unlike Batman, don't disappear immediately because I have no respect for myself or my time.

Batman misses out on Max Lord meeting the new Doctor Fate. But not me! Because I'm still here! 33 years later! Reading it all over again! Oh joy!

I wish Doctor Fate hadn't interrupted Max Lord because I wanted to hear why he couldn't not stare at her tits. Mostly because I need a good excuse for all the times I get caught staring at tits.

Doctor Fate wants to come off the reserve list and be put on the "I can't promise I'll be here every time you call" list which is somehow different than the reserve list. My bet is that she doesn't last past this four issue crossover story. And yes, I can bet even though I've read this comic book multiple times because my memory is for shit.

I don't remember discussing the art by Adam Hughes with friends back in the day but, fuck me, his shit is amazing.

Looking up Adam Hughes, I see he hasn't done a lot that I would have come into contact with: this JLA stuff, a few odds and ends during The New 52, and Before Watchmen. It's a shame because I'm already loving his style and his panel choices. In the scene where Max Lord has a staring contest with Fate's tits, Hughes ads a lot of reflective surfaces and offers camera angles to show the reflections off of these surfaces: Fate's helmet, Lord's desk, several mirrors in the office. It's nice to see a lot of variety and flair in the layouts. Even the scene I hated where Oberon is explaining what happened to a fireman, Hughes lays it out so that the camera angle is over the fireman's head looking down at Oberon, shifting the fireman so that he's standing outside the panel. It's really an impressive choice (and maybe necessary based on how many words DeMatteis wrote for that scene. SO MANY!).

Just go back to that previous scan and look at Ice's and Fire's faces in that first panel. Kevin Maguire who?

I also like that female Doctor Fate's helmet has strong cheekbones. And that her shirt has those shapely lumps. The cape covers her ass so I'm guessing it's not her best feature. Although she knows magic so why isn't it? Is she lazy?

Fuck you, Batman!

That's it! The straw that finally broke the Dark Knight's back for me! I was okay with Batman carrying water for authority figures and the rich! I was just fine with Batman beating the shit out of the mentally ill and the impoverished who had no choice but to work for the mentally ill. I didn't give a shit that Bruce Wayne used crime and The Batman's suppression of it to gentrify different Gotham neighborhoods and make even more money in real estate. Never gave a second thought to the way he broke skylights on a constant basis to make a pretty penny on the side with Wayne Skylight Repair. But now I feel personally attacked! How fucking boring must monitor duty be? And it isn't like it's not entirely automated! Some light is going to blink and some siren is going to blare to let Guy know something is wrong somewhere in the world. He can't play some stupid browser game while he's waiting around?! I mean, I guess they didn't have browser games in 1989. But this is state of the art equipment! It definitely came with a few games to tool around with, like Minesweeper and Solitaire. Fuck Batman! He's like a fucking middle manager who just wants to see people keeping busy rather than letting them spend their time as they see fit while also doing the job intended. Let Guy play his stupid game, you asshole!

Hmm. Maybe I already hated Batman because of all the things I said I never cared about. I mean, I did fall in love with The Titans television show the instant Dick Grayson said, "Fuck Batman." Imagine if Marv Wolfman had chosen to do that early on in his memorable run on The Titans! But no! Instead, we got about 100 issues of Dick moping and pouting and living in the shadow of Batman when all he had to do was decide to be his own man. Becoming Nightwing should have been a metaphoric "Fuck you, Batman," but instead it was just a chance for Dick to feel like Batman forgot all about him. Sometimes writing to create drama ruins the fucking story. Think about how in The New 52, Batman saw Dick as his only real peer in the superhero community, and he expressed it, and he showed how proud he was of him? (All of that may have begun earlier in the stories where Dick took over the Batman role with Damian as Robin but I still haven't gotten to those yet. I hear they are terrific.)

Poor Guy Gardner. Batman really has it out for him, doesn't he? I guess I shouldn't expect a man who loves to cause brain damage to understand what a peer with brain damage is going through.

Of course the writers and editors are on Batman's side! But just think how shitty the JLA computer system is if some stupid game makes it so they can't get emergency alerts! Um, fuck Batman!

I don't know who that is on the other end of the emergency line but I'm guessing it's Catherine or Sue from Justice League Europe. The reason I can't tell isn't because she's green; it's because Adam Hughes draws attractive human beings while Bart Sears has been drawing pieces of beef jerky in wigs.

Oberon is giving The Huntress and Doctor Fate a tour of the embassy when J'onn J'onzz walks out of the teleporter fully nude. Does Justice League America have a head of human resources? Or did they quit because of Guy Gardner? And Batman! Probably more so Batman. Who would want to tell Batman that he needs to maybe stop punching team members in the face, even if those team members are misogynistic assholes with raging tempers who are also severely disabled? By adding the "severely disabled" bit, did it sound like I felt it was okay to punch team members in the face if they were disabled? Because I didn't mean that. But if they were disabled assholes, then, um, yes, I did mean it. But only if those two things go together! Like a terrible Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

I wonder what a Martian ding-dong even looks like? Maybe The Huntress and Doctor Fate didn't realize what they were looking at. "Why the fuck did J'onn have a dead squirrel dangling between his legs?" is probably what The Huntress said. Unless she said, "Meow! Kitty like!" I know she's not Catwoman. But her mother was! And also that was The Huntress talking as if her vagina were talking.

I'm really fucking mind-melding with Guy Gardner this issue! *swoon*

I discovered while doing this review that I can send my comic book panel scans over Xbox Live messenger. Now I have a new tool to bother everybody I know. "Hey guys I don't want to play Halo I just wanted to show you Fire's tits!"

No, really. Look at Fire's tits:

If I cropped this differently, you'd think it was Fire's ass. Or the inside crook of her elbow.

The group heading to Europe to help out the JLE with whatever problem they're having is composed of Blue Beetle, Booster Gold, Mister Miracle, Fire, Ice, Martian Manhunter, Guy Gardner, Doctor Fate, and Batman. I don't know what happened to The Huntress. Did Adam Hughes just forget to draw her? Did she remain back with Oberon? Did everybody conveniently forget she was a part of the team already like so many other heroes before her?

But boy those tits, right? Whew!

Nobody knows what's happening in Europe because Sue Dibny doesn't know either. Justice League Europe went off to battle some mystery army and nobody has heard from them since. The only people who seem to know what's happening are two shadowy figures in a dark room shown in one panel.

I guess I could have said "Java and Simon Stagg" instead of "two shadowy figures."

Justice League America discovers a small village in some place in Europe under attack by unknown forces. They figure Justice League Europe are involved in the melee somewhere and so fly down to rescue them. Meanwhile The Gray Man and The Spectre stand around pseudo-philosophizing about metaphysical mumbo-jumbo or something. They don't know what they're up to so there's no reason I should even speculate! The Spectre knows he's super powerful though and can't wait to find out who he gets to punch in the face. Even if it's the Justice League!

Justice League America #31 Rating: B+. Man, why are DeMatteis and Giffen trying to make me hate The Spectre?! I want to like him but I can't like him if even he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. He's supposed to be super powerful and God's buddy but here he is just acting like that idiot Pariah, lured to some catastrophe but having no idea what he's doing there. But that terrible Spectre stuff was only like the first couple of pages and the last page. The other stuff was actually pretty good! It's the way I remember this comic book! I laughed in several places which I haven't been doing at all lately reading this thing. It's as if this issue were the issue that remained in the forefront of my mind all of these years. The characters weren't overly silly but they engaged in some wacky things while being more or less characters rather than caricatures. Plus the art is magnificent. I imagine back in 1989, I loved when this series came out and then moaned picking up the Bart Sears' Justice League Europe. It's like night and day if night were overly muscled characters with big hair and small faces and day were super hot looking men and women in unique poses and exciting camera angles!

Justice League Europe #6 (1989)

"Hot for Teacher" is a perfect song with a perfect video.

"I'm not saying 'Hot for Teacher' is the best song" is something I feel I have to type now because the Internet is full of people who think the way they interpret something they've read is what was intended by the author. I'm just saying that for a song that does what it's supposed to do, it's a perfect song. You can't listen to it and not think, "Yeah, I want to fuck that teacher too!" And the video?! How did they cast all of those perfect little mini-versions of Van Halen?! Pretty sure there was some kind of cloning shenanigans going on.

I don't know that the teacher in this issue is going to be hot but she does have very nice calves. And Wally is paying attention so she must have nice breasts too. They're probably all in class to learn French so I hope this issue is as entertaining as Me Talk Pretty One Day.

Taking a closer look at the cover (because those calves really are nice), I notice that Cluemaster is in the back of the class alongside Animal Man. Cluemaster! The mastermind of Batman Eternal! In this issue, we'll get to see what made him the perfect villain for a 52 issue run of a weekly Batman series: his complete and total incompetence which some hotshot writers decided they could turn into a big surprise twist villain who suddenly knows how to be scary and competent. But in reality, the revelation was a huge letdown. "Cluemaster?!" spit-taked everybody reading the issue with the reveal before spiraling into an existential crisis where they cursed every decision they'd ever made in their lives so that it all ended up at the point some writer tried to foist this nonsense on them. Or was that just me? Anyway, let's move on to just one of the many, many bad decisions I've made over my life: re-reading Justice League Europe!

With Ralph looking at that ass all day and Sue checking out a nearly naked Captain Atom, the Dibnys must be having the best sex of their marriage.

If you've looked at more of the front cover than the teacher's sexy calves, you may have noticed, like I did with Cluemaster, some other characters not in Justice League Europe who are attending this French class: Major Disaster, Big Sir, and, you remember, Cluemaster! You can also see a tiny sliver of Multi-man or, more likely, one of his clones. If you could make duplicates of yourself, would you ever be the one to go to work or attend classes? Of course not! Unless you're a huge nerdy square like Richie Cunningham.

Was the name "Cunningham" a commentary on the family in Happy Days? "They're like every other suburban swine but a little bit smarter!" Or maybe it was just nonsense like "Fonzerelli" or "Malph." I've never heard of the surname "Malph" before so looking it up, I discover this: "The Malph family name was found in the UK in 1891. In 1891 there was 1 Malph family living in Kent. This was 100% of all the recorded Malph's in United Kingdom." That's the first hit on Google and I didn't even click the link to read more about it so I wouldn't dedicate my life to the information. But one family? 100% of the Malphs in the UK? And Ralph Malph's parents were named Mickey and Minnie? Definitely getting a Coneheads vibe from these guys. I don't think Mork was the first alien to visit the Cunninghams.

The Injustice League need to learn French because they can't do crime correctly without that particular knowledge.

In the next panel, Major Disaster mentions how their lawyer kept them out of jail. Is there a law in France against asking somebody to dance with their ostrich's uncle?!

If Multi-Man couldn't even tell the clerk, "This is a stick-up," why would anybody even suspect they were robbing the bank? If they had weapons already trained on the tellers, it would have been obvious and it probably wouldn't have mattered what he said. Maybe they did and Multi-Man actually kept the Injustice League from prison by spouting nonsense.

Lawyer: "Look, if my clients were actually trying to rob the bank, why would they ask the clerk to dance with their uncle's ostrich?! It was art! Like that picture of the pipe!"
Judge: "That's not a pipe. It clearly states on the painting that it is not a pipe."
Lawyer: "That's what I'm saying! This was not a bank robbery!"

Oh, never mind. Their lawyer kept them out of prison in America after which they came to France because "less superheroes." The botched robbery probably just ended with a quizzical look from the teller and all the Multi-Men slouching back out the way they came in.

This is the class and I don't recognize everybody!

Is that Java in the back of the room? Why is he still with the League and why would he need to learn French? Shouldn't he learn English first?! And who's the big-titted brunette behind Captain Atom?! Have I already forgotten all the heroes on the JLE roster?!

There's also an old lady in the class so maybe those two I don't recognize (Java and Big Jobs) aren just a few random students. The Injustice League walk in late because they're evil.

Back at headquarters, Sue and Ralph discover a French super hero named Red Fox fighting crime in Paris. Catherine and her nipple decide to check her out in an attempt to recruit her. No I will not scan the panel with Cathernine's nipple, you fucking pervert. Just in case I added the nipple myself when I first read this comic and somebody finds a non-touched-up version of the panel to call me out on it. Not that I had a history of drawing nipples on women and dicks on The Hulk. I'm just being cautious and protecting my brand (the brand being a cool guy who didn't draw cartoon nipples on cartoon women).

Oh what the hell. Enjoy!

Do you think Ralph Dibny ever stretches his nipples and makes them twitch? Oof. I just pictured it. I'm going to go be sick now.

Recently on Twitter, Elon Musk, the dumb-dumb, reported that comedy was now legal on Twitter. My first thought was, "Comedy has been legal all this time! I never stopped being funny!" But then my self-confidence, which has a terrible brand problem itself, got a hold of the thought and changed it to: "I guess I haven't been funny all these years!" You know what somebody is saying when they say that they can't joke anymore? They're confessing that their sense of humor has never grown past jokes with insulting stereotypes for punchlines. I bet they still draw dongs on The Hulk!

The scenes in French class aren't funny at all so apparently David Sedaris is just a big liar. While not being funny, Major Disaster notices the guy covered in a trench coat and fedora has a gray neck which leads him to instantly recognize him as Metamorpho. Which means he figures the other people in class are the rest of Justice League Europe. Do they have secret identities? Are they in danger of being exposed? That could become quite a disaster!

Actually not all the other people in the class are Justice Leaguers. Turns out, every single one of the people I don't recognize is a spy from a separate country keeping tabs on the Justice League. Most of them give up after this class when they realize the League is too ridiculous to take seriously.

A huge brawl breaks out and everybody winds up in jail. Catherine bails them out after telling Captain Atom they could have used diplomatic immunity to keep from being jailed. Is that really a thing? Can they really do whatever they want without consequences? I mean other than America having to take them back as national embarrassments. The Injustice League, not having indimplomatic immunity (the opposite of diplomatic immunity) wind up getting deported back to America. Just because the Justice League tried to beat them up in French class! They didn't even do anything wrong! They were just trying to learn French, then when they realized the Justice League was in their class, they attempted to leave. But the Justice League just couldn't let inbygones be inbygones and they resorted to beating the shit out of them.

Justice League Europe #6 Rating: C-. I suppose I can see how pitching this issue sounded like a great idea. "Just imagine the crazy antics that would take place if the Injustice League wound up in the same classroom as the Justice League! I'm laughing just thinking about it! Oh man. They're all so incompetent! Just think of the things Big Sir would do being that he's got some kind of mental handicap but people just treat him as if he's a big dumb jerk! And Clock King! He'd, like, keep looking at the clock and shit because he's got OCD revolving around time! And Multi-Man, with his serious depression and lack of self-esteem, why, he'd probably, um, be hilarious too somehow! And then Power Girl could punch some of them in the face because they're bad guys! Man, I'm crying because the idea is so funny!" But then they wrote the comic book and sold the comic book and I read the comic book and I thought, "Is this supposed to seem cruel? Can somebody help the members of the Injustice League already?!"

You can tell how bored I was by it by how quickly I summarized the last half of the issue and moved on!

Justice League America #30 (1989)

Where the fuck did The Huntress come from?

When we last left Justice League America, Big Barda had her Big Bang Stick stolen by some punk kid (the huge face on the cover. You know he's punk because of the nose ring and great teeth). Barda, Fire, and Mister Miracle had gone to find it. Somewhere along the way, they picked up The Huntress. Not last issue! That's apparently going to happen this issue. I feel like my aunt when we're watching a new movie and she can't help asking what's going on before anybody watching the same movie as her has any chance to know that. "Just keep reading," I tell my brain as my brain screams, "Why aren't you masturbating and/or petting the cat?!"

The art this issue is by Bill Willingham who is best known for all the drawings he did for Dungeons & Dragons. Unless he's best known for Fables. It's hard to tell when reality is primarily based on your own teenage nerd experiences.

I scanned this page to point out that DeMatteis probably wanted the punk kid to shove the Megarod in a different orifice but then my thought process was derailed by boobies.

Can you imagine how much better society would be today without boobies and the constant derailing of thought processes? Or, to perceive things in a different way, what if our society was a matriarchy and men weren't constantly keeping women down so women couldn't come up with as much as they should have while making up for men with their booby habits. Although without the constant need to get laid but without adequate opportunity, we wouldn't have as many Gothic churches either. On yet another hand, without the constant need to get laid, we also wouldn't have so many modern incel manifestos. I guess those things don't have anything to do with boobies but what can I say? My mind has been derailed! It's going to take a few minutes before I can think logically again.

I was almost ready to start writing again and then I looked at how Fire's arm is resting between Barda's breasts and my brain went back on booby break. Also Mister Miracle is touching Barda's boob. Also that punk has a really solid grip on the Megarod.

This issue is called "Teenage Biker Mega-Death" so I guess that guy is a teenager.

Pretty much my brain/penis interaction right now.

Don't look too closely at the Megarod in that last scan or you might be offended, especially if you don't like looking at dicks.

When I was younger, I'm sure I read this and cackled about how naive DeMatties and Giffen were. Now I realize they were probably cackling about how naïve their editors were for letting this through.

The punk kid teleports to New York to finish some gangland turf war with his new weapon. That's where The Huntress comes in! Because she's currently prowling the city with her crossbow when she sees a Megarod blast off in the distance. And since the panels where she first confronts the kid have both a man rubbing his penis and a bare lady buttcheek, guess what I'm scanning now!

I mean, um, were the editors asleep? Did "Make Sure Nothing Comes Off as Sexual Editors" not exist in 1989?!

I know those kinds of editors existed around that time because didn't Simon Bisley get blacklisted by DC Comics for drawing a penis in Lobo's arm in a Lobo's Back cover? Maybe they just got lucky when they saw that one. You know what I mean by lucky. I wish I had seen it. I mean, I own the comic. But I promised my mom I wouldn't look at the cover.

Mister Miracle, Fire, and Big Barda show up to keep Huntress from getting killed. She needs the help! The Huntress is just a Batman-wannabe with a crossbow and no line she won't cross. I guess she could get lucky and put a bolt through the kid's neck but I'm betting the Megarod would keep him safe from such a childish toy. Unless it's because it's such a childish toy that it's the only thing that will hurt him!

Twelve cops dead because Barda didn't keep her Megarod safe? Don't worry. Nobody will even broach the subject that these lives are on Barda's head.

You need the mind of a libertarian to fully enjoy superhero comic books. Just remember that when somebody dies, the blame always falls on the bad guy who may or may not have instigated the situation. It doesn't matter if the people died because a hero left their weapon unguarded. Or The Joker was personally attacking Batman. Or a family member of the Teen Titans was trying to kill one of them at their base which they decided should be right in the center of a populated urban area. Also remember that anybody who doesn't wind up dead was saved by the superhero, even if Lex Luthor murdered a dozen people simply to lure Superman into a trap. It's never, ever the hero's fault! Kind of like when a cop runs over five children while chasing somebody for a minor traffic violation. All the blame goes on the person who committed the violation! That's libertarian logic!

Try to remember that a libertarian is just an authoritarian who wants to be thought of as open-minded and logical.

The punk puts down Mister Miracle and Big Barda and then kills another dozen or so cops. He's also killed all his friends and fellow gang members. But it's not his fault! He's possessed by the rod! This is like the end of Cujo where, after a hundred or more pages he taught you to fear and hate this monster dog, Stephen King changes his tune and is all, "Don't blame the widdle doggy, you judgmental jerk! He was just trying to be a good boy! He only wanted to please his people! But rabies made him do bad things. Blame the rabies and not the poor widdle puppy dawg!" Which is why Mister Miracle doesn't want Barda to kill the punk even though Barda probably should have killed the punk. Because she didn't kill him, a dozen more cops are now dead. And from the looks of it, the punk is going to waste away from using the Megarod. But at least that will mean Barda and Scott and Fire have clean hands! Although if The Huntress kills him, that'll be okay because remember how I said there are no lines she won't cross? I was talking about murder when I said that and not butt stuff.

"Your weapon is such a joke, The Huntress, that you've saved the day! Just like Green Arrow! Or Aquaman!"

The Huntress shoots the punk in the wrist so that he drops the Megarod which hits the ground, goes off, and blows his head off. Mister Miracle is all, "No! I wanted to save him! Even though, just a few panels ago, I said, 'He's already dead. He just doesn't know it yet!'" So see? All those extra cops died because Mister Miracle didn't want any of them to "cross a line." I guess the Trolley Problem doesn't exist in the DC Universe.

Mister Miracle accepts that the punk's death is an accident but The Huntress is all, "Ha ha. Yeah. Accident! Right." Not having a penis, her lie is not uncovered due to her raging murder boner.

Later, nobody mentions how this entire thing is Barda's fault for leaving a dangerous weapon of Apokolips lying around where any old car thief could get their hands on it. Max is only interested in recruiting The Huntress for the team even though she's a loner and definitely wouldn't want to be somewhere where The Batman could find her. But Max Lord has powers like that guy in Firestarter and he psychically convinces her to join. So I guess she's the new Black Canary!

Oh yeah, I'm definitely done reading the letters! I thought it might be interesting to list the names of all the people who keep writing in but, like every other thing in my life, I grew bored of it. I barely even want to grade these comics! But that feels kind of necessary since these "reviews" are barely even reviews. At least the grades make them seem like they could be!

Justice League America #30 Rating: D. Getting a below-average grade doesn't mean the comic book wasn't enjoyable or boring. I actually kind of liked the character interactions this issue. But I can't give the Justice League of America a good grade when two dozen cops and several teenagers were killed because Big Barda couldn't be bothered to lock up her Megarod. And then Max Lord mentally rapes The Huntress, forcing her to join the League. A super hero team should actually act like super heroes before I give them a passing grade!