Saturday, December 17, 2022

Justice League America #32 (1989)

Fingers crossed we get to see Batman punch a little girl in the face this issue.

Last issue, everybody but Batman realized they were fighting three villages worth of vampires. Batman, using the kind of logic that should exist outside of comic books but shouldn't actually exist in the world of comic books, knows better. Batman knows so much better that he actually knows what's wrong with these people who definitely are not vampires. But being Batman, and being that last issue was only the second part of a four part story, he couldn't elaborate.

This issue is called "Breaking Point!" which is strange because it's not an obvious pun or reference to a movie from the 1930s. Giffen and DeMatteis are losing their edge.

This issue begins with the Secondary Bad Guy (the nerdy little scientist freak who hates Simon Stagg and is being bossed around by the Main Bad Guy, The Gray Man) launching a can of toxic vampire gas into the Justice League bivouac.

I'd hate to get hit in the face with one of those cans. You know what cans I'm talking about.

You might be thinking, "No way! Please slap me in the face with two out of three of the cans in those panels!" But may I remind you that they are Kryptonian cans? They'll crush your skull! You might now be thinking, "No way! She's not Kryptonian! She's Atlantean or some such shit. Whatever." But may I remind you that would mean growing up under high pressure which probably means those cans will still crush your skull? Also, she finds out later that she always was Kryptonian so you can ignore that other shit. Fucking Crisis on Infinite Earths. It broke way more than it fixed.

The gas explodes all over the UN Peacekeepers, none of whom are wearing protective gear, probably because the Justice League are hogging it all. Batman is all, "Oh, yeah. That's the shit turning everybody into so-called vampires." Nobody says, "How is that any more rational than believing they're actually vampires? A bio-weapon that turns people into the undead? Next you're going to ask me to believe Nightwing can ride his motorcycle straight up a skyscraper!" And Batman is all, "He is pretty good on that thing. He was in the circus, remember?" And then Rocket Red is all, "Stupid American saying nobody actually says!" which causes him to miss Ice's cute tush.

I don't know for sure that is Ice's butt. It's also possible I want to do anal with Blue Beetle.

If you're just now finding out that I want to fuck cartoon characters then all I can say is, "Thank God you haven't found my blog about Erin Esurance."

Batman panics in the opposite of the way that fans will write all over Kevin Smith's View Askew message board to say that Batman would never piss himself ever.

Hopefully these HazMat suits come with built-in diapers.

This probably could have been avoided if Batman didn't have to be so mysterious and keep all of his information close to his bat-chest. But I guess if Batman couldn't expect that unprotected peacekeepers could suddenly be victims of the toxin that already victimized three villages, who could?!

Martian Manhunter doesn't need a suit because even though he doesn't know what is causing the vampirism, he makes the assumption that it won't affect Martians. He'd know better than I would! Like, do Martians even have blood? I think their bodies are just full of Sculpy. Guy Gardner also doesn't need a suit because his costume is the best costume in the DC Universe in 1989 and also his ring probably protects him. Captain Atom also doesn't need a suit because radiation?

This is definitely Ice and that's definitely the same butt as earlier so I almost certainly don't want to fuck Blue Beetle.

Fire doesn't need a HazMat suit either even though she's completely naked. I don't know why her nipples don't turn into little candle flames. I guess it's the same reason Captain Atom doesn't apparently have a penis. Stupid Comics Code! Did America really need to be saved from teenaged boners?

Fire has been roasting the vampire villagers alive with her new powers which probably means they're beyond hope. Or it means the follow-up story arc will be Fire on trial for international war crimes.

Doctor Teasdale watches the battle from far off, congratulating himself on defeating the Justice League until The Grey Man appears to shit all over him for not killing them. If I'd come along and heard him congratulating himself on defeating the Justice League, I would have pissed all over his joy too. Can you really consider this the Justice League when this League doesn't include Superman and Wonder Woman, and, even though I don't believe it but it would help my argument, Aquaman? Ninety-five percent of the power of Justice League America resides in Martian Manhunter and Guy Gardner! Booster Gold, Blue Beetle, Mister Miracle, Fire, and Ice share the final five percent (with a good portion of that being Fire now that she has new powers).

The teams regroup miles away from danger to argue about what to do next. Except for Wally West who tries to fuck Ice. Poor Ice. Just a bunch of garbage men hitting on her at every opportunity. I mean, if I were Ice, I'd have already fucked Guy Gardner. But The Flash? Get out of here with that Speed Force Dick! I wouldn't want friction burns on the inside of my vagina.

Simon Stagg arrives by helicopter to shed some light on the undead horde that was created to destroy him. As soon as the League sees him, Metamorpho is all, "Oh, that's why the army of undead was created. To kill this smug asshole. Figures." Stagg confesses that the gas was developed by his plant just down the road. Right to Batman's face! Stagg might have bigger balls than Lex Luthor! Definitely hairier balls anyway!

Teasdale decides the reader has been kept in the dark long enough (because there's only one and half issues left and we can't go into the last issue still not understanding what's happening) and begins his explication of all the events that transpired to move the story to this point. Teasdale worked for Stagg Industries developing bio-weapons. He made a vampire bio-weapon which worked so well that Simon Stagg was going to have him killed to keep all the credit for himself. But while they were testing it on humans in a remote village, Teasdale's life was saved by The Grey Man who saw what was happening and realized he could earn so much dream stuff from all the people this toxin killed that he could rival the Lords of Order themselves! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

The Spectre and Doctor Fate learn almost nothing from their visit with the Lords of Order. That little bit which kept them from learning absolutely nothing was that the Lords of Order have decided to sit around doing nothing for the next several thousand or million or billions years. They're pouting because it's currently not their turn at the top of the karmic wheel. So basically The Grey Man has gone rogue and it's up to the Justice League and their magic pals to stop him. Or just the magic pals. DeMatteis and Giffen seem to be trying their hardest to let the reader know that the Justice League is useless. Mostly by having various members of the Justice League say things like, "We're useless!" and "Hey! If you look up 'us' in the dictionary, there's a picture of 'us' a few entries later under 'useless'!"

Yeah! Imagine if it began killing people who mattered!

I know that's not what The Flash is saying but it's really fun to be cynical and contrary at times! But just sometimes! I wouldn't recommend it all the time or else you'll become a fifty year old loser whose major hobby is reading comic books he apparently hates and, according to my blog stats, telling around twenty people about them. I swear I'm more joyful in my Newsletter discussing Genesis!

One of the best things about Adam Hughes' art is how he approaches it like a director. His storyboarding of scenes and choice of camera angles are always imaginative and inventive. Really good stuff!

Stagg convinces the Justice League that he's the victim and it's some lunatic disgruntled scientist from his lab attacking him. They don't really believe him but they were planning on stopping the vampires anyway. Only an idiot or a conservative (redundant!) would choose to change what they were already doing because somebody else (a liberal!) said it was a good idea. I suppose this whole story arc where the billionaire industrialist is portrayed as a monster willing to kill thousands of innocent lives for pure profit is too fucking woke for them anyway. Too bad DC Comics went woke in 1989 and have been broke for the last 30 years. Idiots!

Justice League America #32 Rating: A: Adam Hughes is carrying a lot of the weight on that grade. His art is gorgeous to look at but his layouts are fucking genius. Sometimes the story distracts from simply marveling at his choices when laying out panels and pages. Just top of the line shit here. Fantastic! The story was a few strokes over par while playing on sodden greens. Not bad enough to ruin the day but sort of annoying knowing it could have been better. I don't know why I just made a golf analogy. I've only played like two or three times!

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