DC Rebirth Holiday Special #1, Part Two

As you can see, this comic is rated Teen. So you might find a beheading or two inside the covers but don't worry! You won't see any women enjoying sex! That filth is for Teen Plus comic books!

I just accused my friend Doom Bunny's son of being a werewolf on Facebook. This is my favorite Christmas Eve ever!

Now where was I in my reading? Oh! The Flash Christmas Carol. This one is written by James Tynion IV so I'm assuming we'll find out that Scrooge is bisexual. I mean buysexual! That's a joke about how greedy he is!

Or the story will be about how the Rogues aren't villainy enough to rob a bank properly on Christmas Eve without having their heartstrings pulled by a bunch of lousy foster children. Why do people have to learn lessons at this time of year? It's all Charles Dickens' fault, isn't it?! Learning lessons goes hand in hand with Christmas thanks to that stupid Christmas Carol bullshit!

Even New Super-man gets a Christmas story! I mean, a State Sanctioned Day of Appropriate Celebratory Rituals! Unless it's actually, as Chinese Wonder Woman puts it, Dongzhi. Dongzhi isn't at all as hilarious as it sounds! It's more of that edutainment stuff that, if you can force it into a cartoon, you can get federal grant money for your boring ass public television cartoon program. I'm not getting any of that lucrative liberal free money so I'm not going to explain what Dongzhi is! In fact, I'm going to go back to assuming it's about penises!

Basically the New Super-man story is Hostess Fruit Pie ad but for Tang Yuan.

The next story stars Batwoman which could be problematic being that this Holiday Special was given a Teen Rating. I hope she doesn't find herself under the cameltoe! I mean mistletoe! Dammit! Now it looks like I stole Rob Beckett's joke! But I couldn't stop myself from picturing Batwoman under the cameltoe. I think it's time for my second Christmas Eve Masturbation break! See you in thirty! Seconds, not minutes! How much free time do you think I have?!

Okay! Now that I've pretended that I've pretended to masturbate, I'm ready to read Batwoman's Hanukkah story!

Somebody fires off an EMP while Batwoman is trying to eat some cherry pie which totally ruins her sexy story. So she decides to call her friend Kit who seems to be the Catwoman to her Batman. Or something. But Kate has to call Kit from a phone booth because, um, the EMP or something. My brain isn't working too well right now due to Post Masturbation Syndrome.

Whoa! Telephone booth telephones are much bigger than I remember them!

Batwoman's story is the most boring story so far. But at least the story ends just before Batwoman starts telling the story of Hanukkah because talk about boring! I mean, it's probably boring being religious and all. But it's not like I know the story. I think it has something to do with lantern oil lasting longer than it was supposed to and a bunch of priests in tall hats forcing their rules and regulations on everybody. It definitely isn't as good as the Christian story! That one is full of Heat and Cold Misers singing songs and talking reindeer and magic hats that bring pedophile snowmen to life!

The next story is called "What a Year for a New Year" and it stars the Titans. I'm instantly bored and have to exert more will than Hal Jordan has ever exerted to keep myself seated in front of this computer reading it. Stupid Titans. Why they wanna ruin my good time with a boring story about how they probably battled their Daddy Issues during the holidays? The Batwoman story already covered that!

Surprisingly, the Titans are actually trying to stop some crime! Honey Buns and Ding-Dong Daddy have robbed STAR Labs and the Titans have left their drunken New Years celebrations to try to stop them. I don't mean to suggest that they're all mad drinkers since Roy Harper is clean and sober. Or I thought he was! He does tell tell Omen to prep the Champagne at one point, so I guess I could be wrong. Maybe he's only taking the Twelve Step Lifestyle seriously when it comes to the needle.

That's the mentality of a guy who's not going to stay sober! You've got to treat every fucking day as if it's New Year's Eve! Stop idolizing this one day of the year and its ability to invoke change!

The Titans save the day or the device or solve their own personal issues or something. Afterward, Nightwing has to rush off to bang Batgirl. Like New Super-man, it's a one page story that ends with a twist on the fruit pie and creme filled treats consumed.

The next story is about the Green Lanterns but I don't currently care enough about Simon and Jessica to review it. But I do think that Stranger Things is based on Yeats "The Second Coming"! Um, I haven't really thought it through or anything so just believe that it's probably true.

And, um, that's it! Happy Holidays! Feliz Overwatch! Merry Call of Duty! Joyous Self-Gratification! Bye!

DC Rebirth Holiday Special #1, Part One

HOLIDAY?! HOLIDAY?!?! *HEAD EXPLODES*

Christians, here is why you suck. I know, I know. Supposedly you don't all suck. But it's kind of hard to judge the ones who don't suck because how am I supposed to know you're a kind and caring and empathetic Christian when you don't point it out to me on a constant basis? You see my dilemma! But, being a kind and caring and empathetic and silent Christian, you probably don't need me to know that fact because you're also humble. So, forgive me for smearing shit all over you as well in the following few sentences. I'm sure you're strong enough and understanding enough to know I don't mean you. Because those other Christians you feel you have to pal around with and turn your other cheek to? They're just awful. I mean, why do you need to force your Christmas on everybody else? I grew up celebrating a secular Christmas. My mother's family, the one I spent most of my time with and identify with, were not religious at all. My grandparents had two wedding photos in their living room and it was years before I understood that the first one was at the court getting legally married. The second one in the church was basically to shut up all of the assholes in the neighborhood who were chomping at the bit to call their children bastards because they weren't really married, according to, you know, God. But we celebrated Christmas because it was a fucking holiday and it got the family together and everybody had a great time. So stop trying to shove the version of Christmas you grew up with in my face. My Christmas doesn't need Jesus simply because you've decided that the real winter solstice celebration is the one that was made up later to convince pagan people their celebrations were somehow tied into Christian theology. It's sad and pathetic that y'all can't just live your own life. You have this burning desire and need to make everybody else live your life too. Get the fuck out of here and let me celebrate my family's meaning of the season. Oh, and Happy Holidays, Motherfucker!

That was me being nice in the spirit of the season! Which is a Christmas Miracle in itself! You would think by the end of the year, I'd barely be able to muster anything but fiery rage from having to hear the phrase "God bless" nearly every fucking day of the year previous. I would be less annoyed if everybody thanked their own individual imaginary friend from childhood instead of all deciding that they should share one boring Imaginary Friend. And, yes, Allah and Jesus's Dad and Yahweh are all the same Imaginary Friend. It's just the people know Him through different PR firms (the PR stands for "prophet").

I don't know why I purchased this comic book. Ten fucking dollars for a comic book that will be relegated to the 75% off bin in a matter of months? I might as well be giving my money to people who need it!

I should probably discuss the cover a bit first. Who fucking invited Harley Quinn to this party? When did she get the Deathstork free pass to operate as a villain without heroic intervention? I guess anybody who has a history of sucking face with Bruce Wayne or Batman gets to do whatever they want. Now you're picturing Bruce and Slade under the mistletoe, right? I was going to make a mistletoe/cameltoe joke sometime this season but then Rob Beckett made that joke in the 8 Out of 10 Cats Christmas Special. Hopefully that special won't wind up being one of Carrie Fisher's last television appearances! Please get well soon, Princess Leia!

Obviously Diana just ripped a big fart which is about to kill Batgirl. And Damian is getting away with murder. We all know that kid, don't we?! The parents just don't have the time, patience, or inclination to get their asshole kid under control during the celebration, so that one fucking dick just runs amok ruining everybody else's good time. I remember hiding my Christmas presents from my cousin Troy every year at my dad's parents' house because he was a fucking maniac who thought every toy was a football and every concrete surface in the backyard was a receiver in the end zone. What a colossal asshole!

So the issue opens with Harley Quinn on stage introducing this collection of stories. That's when I remembered why Harley Quinn was on the cover and why she gets a free pass. This issue costs ten dollars and DC needs to make sure they sell a bajillion copies! The only way to do that is to stick Harley Quinn in it.

Oh? The Holiday Season has glorious traditions? What, might I ask, are those? Shoveling snow off of the city sidewalk in front of your house before the stupid assholes fine you for not taking care of their property? I can't think of one that Californians celebrate. I think wishing for rain so that they can continue to over water their shitty lawns might be one.

Harley's interludes between the other stories have been written by her creator, Paul Dini. Or co-creator. Whatever. I don't need to know for certain since I don't have to pay royalties on my Harley Quinn fan fiction. And, yes, I have written some. Usually they involve her and the shower head and bending over with her legs slightly parted without any underwear and...excuse me. I need to go have my first masturbation session of Christmas Eve! Be right back!

Okay, now that I've pretended to do that, let's get back to the story! Also, just so everybody knows, I didn't just engage in Holiday Masturbation. That was Christmas Masturbation all the way! This is probably a thought I shouldn't have had but now I'm wondering how many people have ever masturbated on or in a nativity scene?

Com on, Dini. Raep jokes are never funny.

This is the problem with these extra long comic books. I always spend a lot of time writing bullshit at the beginning and by the time I realize I'm only about ten pages into the comic book and I've been writing for an hour, I simply hurry through the rest of the book so I can go play Christmas Eve Overwatch.

Since The Twelve Days of Christmas (or whatever the fuck the song is called. Again, I don't have to do bookkeeping for royalties, so I don't have to actually know anything!) is longer and more boring and repetitive than Paradise By the Dashboard Light, Harley cuts away to the first story. This one is called "The Last Minute" and is written by Tim Seeley. That means it's probably good! Although right from the first Narration Boxes, I'm sensing it has too many agenda layers!

Ug! Foreign languages and gay monsters?! What would Jesus think? In English, of course!

While Superman defeats the Gay Monster (unless it's a monster who represents the covenant between God and his Chosen People that he'll never again destroy the world by flood. But, I mean, what are the odds that's what rainbows mean anymore? Even Christians have decided God lost that battle to the gay community!), Batman stands in the background pointing out how Superman is using his strategy to defeat the monster. Not that it's much of a strategy. Superman's usual strategy of punching the enemy until the enemy stops punching back is close enough to Batman's strategy that I think Superman would have been okay without Bruce standing around taking all of the credit.

Superman is all, "Look at these idiots buying gifts while they ignore the Gay Threat Against Christmas!" And Batman is all, "Duh! Totally logical, Stupidman! They have to buy food and presents for the Cena de Nochebuena! I think mentioning that celebration means this is now an edutainment comic book, right?" The mention of presents and monsters makes Superman realize that he's forgotten to buy a gift for J'onn! Well, come on. How much time does it take to stop at an all night convenience store to pick up a dozen packages of Oreos?

Oh wait. Superman hasn't shopped for Jon, his fucking son! I could understand if he'd forgotten to get the martian a gift by 6:00 PM on Christmas Eve. But his own son?! Jesus Christ! See? I'm not forgetting the made-up reason for the season!

Notice Batman didn't say, "I got one for Damian too." He just said Damian wants one. I guess Damian is getting socks.

I think the Man of Steel is going to have to become the Man of Christmas Crime because there's no way he's getting the most asked for gift of the season at the last minute. Superman searches all over to obtain the video game system legally but without any luck. Until...one last chance! One last system on one last store shelf in one last store in Gotham City!

This would have been much more satisfying if Alfred had nabbed it out of Clark's grasp. But I guess Damian knows he's only getting socks if he doesn't buy his own gifts because Bruce is the worst father.

Bruce and Damian spend Christmas Eve at Clark and Lois's house so we all know where this is going! Jon's big present will be the video game system from Damian. And Damian's big present will be humiliating Jon's father in front of everybody! Although the Christmas Miracle might be Damian pretending the gift is from Clark simply so he can lord it over Superman in the future. "Remember how I saved Christmas for you, Superman? I mean, I know I ruined it for you by taking the gift you were going to give to your kid! But then I saved it by giving that same gift to him from you! So, you owe me! I think."

Damian isn't as shrewd as I thought and he gives the present to Jon from himself. I mean, in a way, that's the better humiliation. But it seems more League of Assassins to set it up so that only he and Clark knew the truth! Of course, Clark being Clark, he sees the bright side in the situation.

That "ahem" means the traditional Christmas Dick Sucking is about to begin. Happy Gay Monster Nochebueno Day everybody!

Harley Quinn shows up for a page to justify the ten dollar expense of this comic book to all of her fans who probably subsidized this book before getting to another story starring Superman. But at least this one has Krypto! It's called "For the Dog Who Has Everything..." and it's probably going to be maudlin (minus the eggnog. Unless you're drinking eggnog!).

Clark and Jon head to the Fortress of Solitude instead of the mall to find Krypto a present. Jon is disappointed because Fortress of Solitude, unlike the mall, does not smell like Cinnabons. When I go to the mall, I like to sing, "Cinnabon-bon! Cinnabon-bon! I take the escalator to the mezzanine. For Cinnabon-bon! Cinnabon-bon!"

That was a Soul Coughing parody for those of you who don't remember Soul Coughing! I'm guessing that's roughly all of you.

This story is filled with liberal agendas too! It's all about identity politics and how Superman is an alien living in America and trying to figure out who he is! But then he comes up with the answer that won't make anybody happy: he's just himself! He's an individual who doesn't need to perfectly encapsulate Krypton or white, rural America! Especially since both of those halves are kind of fucking racist! Obviously I don't mean you, dear reader, if you're Kryptonian or from Kansas. We're all good people here who understand the importance of each individual having the same rights and dreams and opportunities as every other individual, even if they are from a xenophobic planet (or state!) that uses an awful lot of slurs for Daxamites (or, um, other people!) than I'm comfortable with.

Jon decides to make Krypto a collar from the belt of his dad's old Superman suit. Then Jon learns the greatest Christmas truth of all: we're all alone in a sea of our own sadness and desperately clinging to others just as fearful as we are and whom we can never truly know! Merry Christmas!

Back to Harley's party, everybody receives their gift from Batman: a donation in their name to the Wayne Foundation Police Retirement Fund! So Bruce just put more money in one of his charities. What a guy!

The next story stars Detective Chimp and Batman. It is called "The Night We Saved Christmas." Remember how The New 52 was determined to get rid of silly things like Detective Chimp? That was the worst part about The New 52. I mean other than getting Scott Lobdell, Howard Mackie, Ann Nocenti, Rob Liefeld, and whoever wrote Grifter to write for it! I know who wrote Grifter but I thought people wouldn't remember what awful comic book he wrote if I just mentioned him by name. Also, he paid me off to never again mention him on my blog. Hear that, Cullen Bunn? We can make a deal if you want!

That isn't really true about Nathan paying me off. But it could be true if Cullen Bunn wants to start the tradition!

So, um, Bobo and Bruce save Christmas and shit. That fucking title was such a spoiler! I was all, "I wonder what's going to happen? And then I was all, 'Oh yeah. They're going to save Christmas. It's right in the title!'" It's like if Jaws had been called The Sheriff Saves the Town's Tourist Industry By Blowing Up A Shark While On A Boat That Wasn't Nearly As Big As It Probably Should Have Been. Then it probably would have been subtitled "Harry Wears Some Bad Hat."

The next story is called "Dreaming of a White Christmas" and stars Wonder Woman and John Constantine. Uh oh. I hope you're reading this story past the watershed because I'm certain somebody is about to say cunt!

Constantine is under a spell that makes him impotent. No wait. Um, the other word. The one where you can't sleep! Incontinent? No, that's not it. Um, anyway, he's searching for the witch that cast the curse at a Solstice Celebration when he runs into Wonder Woman searching for Dionysus.

Was that a dick joke? I think that was a dick joke! It was definitely longer than it is engorged! I mean wide!

Constantine says some pretty sexist stuff and I laugh out loud. Not because I'm sexist but because the writing is funny! People think the world will be great once everybody stops being mean to everybody else. But the truth of the matter is the world will only be the perfect place when we can make fun of every kind of person in the same way that it's okay to make fun of white men. That's equality! Because, as a white man, I don't give a shit when somebody makes a joke about white men. Doesn't bother me at all! Because the world teaches me, from birth, that I'm an individual and obviously I'm not the white men being made fun of! Pshaw! It's all those other idiotic white men! So until the world teaches every child, from birth, that they are, first and foremost, the individual that they are, how can we make stupid jokes about everyone? I mean, we can do that already! I just mean how can we make stupid jokes about everyone without being called gross and disgusting and problematic?! Those words are hurtful!

Constantine and Wonder Woman soon discover the people they're after.

The use of "Class-A" reminds me of my attempt at a phrase with the word "ass" repeated the maximum number of times while still, mostly, making some kind of sense. Here it is: "Class-A S.S. Ass Assassin!" Doesn't that invoke a story of the best assassin of asses the Nazis have ever known?!

I guess everything ends happily ever after or something.

This is a long comic book! I'd better break it up into two parts! That's it for Part One! Happy Christmas Eve!

Wonder Woman #11

Diana's nervous look frightens me more than the semen all over her.

Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor have found their way to Paradise Island. Diana discovers her mother hasn't been turned into a statue at all which means...well, I don't know what it means. Maybe it means The New 52 was all a dream. Except the parts where she was fucking Superman. But she already sort of apologized to Steve Trevor about that. She was all, "What did you expect? He's Superman! You can't tell me you wouldn't want a taste of that super dick, right?! Besides, my invulnerability means that I can barely feel your penis inside my vagina. I had to see what it was like fucking a guy with a dick hard enough to batter my nerve endings. Oh, I'm getting woozy just thinking about it." And Steve was all, "I'm sure ARGUS can develop some kind of super Viagra that will make my dick so hard you'll think it was from Krypton!" Then they shook hands and decided to never again talk about how Diana and Clark dated.

Diana seems willing to believe they've found the real Paradise Island. I don't know which version of Paradise Island is real but I'm sure it's any version that doesn't have a history of Amazons raping sailors and throwing newborn male babies off of a cliff.

Meanwhile, Etta Candy has become suspicious of Director Sasha. She follows her as she drops of Urzkartaga the Plant so that the CEO of Sears, Roebuck and Company can get her hands on it. Etta winds up shooting Sasha in her robot face. The CEO, a woman named Veronica Kale, unleashes her Doberman Pinschers, Terror and Panic, on Etta Candy. Whether or not she kills the dogs won't be revealed for another issue or two.

Back on Paradise Island, Wonder Woman realizes that she's never actually been back home. When she left all those years ago, the cost was that she could never return. And she's just now discovering that all of the times she thought she had gone back, all of those previous DC adventures that took place on Paradise Island, never actually happened. I mean, they happened! But they were all lies created by some still unknown adversary, or God, or spectacular drug. That's convenient! Instead of rebooting and rebirthing and crisising things again until nobody knows what the fuck is what, just pretend all of those stories were some kind of fantastic illusion. Wonder Woman experienced them but they somehow weren't real. Which is probably why she can't remember her past too clearly.

The Ranking!
No change. Only two things happened in this comic book! Etta Candy discovered a leak in ARGUS, and Wonder Woman discovered she's never been back to Themyscira. I don't know why it took twenty pages to tell those two things but it did. And it only took me about two minutes to read it all. I don't think that was a good use of my two dollars and ninety-nine cents.

Wonder Woman #10

Is this doing it?!

Trump supporters pretending to be Clinton supporters because they're the actual precious snowflakes who can't take criticism be like:

Meanwhile, Trump is over here being all:

I readily admit I have no power. But even if I did, I would never use that power to try to silence people. Debate isn't about getting the side you don't agree with to shut up. Debate is about pointing out how dumb the other side is! And to do that, you have to let them keep saying stupid things which you can then mock relentlessly. If a whole new generation is going to have to live with the specter of nuclear holocaust because a bunch of sad-eyed voters got their feelings hurt and decided to stick it to the intellectual elite (who dared to know better and to know that they knew better!), I'm at least going to feel sanctimonious in my childish taunts of a supremely unintelligent and selfish manchild that seeks to dismantle the American system at the foundation. I will also relentlessly mock the people who continue to support this blatantly moronic trainwreck of a man despite how troubling and terrible his statements and actions have been since becoming president elect (also before! I just mean I'm specifically focusing on his post-election idiocy).

I guess renewing the arms race (this time hand-in-hand with Putin as they decide which country full of Muslims to nuke first) isn't as terrible as a nobody comic book blogger with no power at all pointing out that Donald Trump might be the dumbest Republican puppet president yet. Obviously I include Reagan in that statement. He was the beginning of the Republican presidents who are just mouthpieces for corporations and the wealthy. Of course you can't get enough votes to win if that's your base so they also go whole hog on being pro-gun and anti-abortion. People don't mind voting in people who will make their lives terrible as long as those people promise all the guns forever and no more salty Jesus tears.

And now, Wonder Woman!

Last issue was all about shopping and dating. This issue is all about shopping and dating except five years ago. So it's totally different and more magical and tinged with that sweet yet sour nostalgia dipping sauce. Also Wonder Woman can't speak English yet. Why can't she be more like Starfire and learn English by engaging in oral sex? Then the entire comic book wouldn't be her and Cheetah having a conversation while Steve Trevor constantly interjects with "Did she just say she likes my boner? She did, right?"

You know who else likes her outfit? Steve's boner.

The first thing Etta Candy wants to do is get a margarita in Diana. The second thing Etta wants to do, I bet, is get a tongue in Diana! I see where this is going, Ms. Candy, and I don't approve! How about getting Diana's consent free of alcohol before you both get drunk and engage in oral sex on a diaper changing station in the mall bathroom?

Over lunch, they discover that Diana's golden lasso allows everybody to understand everybody else.

It also translates creepy stares and bulging crotches for Diana who, never being around men, had no idea what those things meant.

While they're enjoying lunch, a bunch of gunmen storm the mall and begin shooting shoppers. While helping Steve Trevor stop the assailants, Wonder Woman learns she not only has super strength but super speed as well. And she's particularly adept at blocking bullets with her bracelets. Or bracers. Or, for the particularly nerdy and pedantic, vambraces. I hope the reaction to that statement is particularly nerdy and pedantic and I'm schooled on how Wonder Woman's bracers aren't anything like vambraces!

Diana also discovers she's mostly invulnerable when she sits on a grenade. Oh, and she can fly. So that's most of her powers worked out. It'll be some time before she learns of her super compassion and her super prostate massage powers.

The new team learn that Sears, Roebuck & Company are behind the attacks. They're probably having financial difficulties and targeting people who abused the Craftsmen Tools lifetime warranty.

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking. Okay fine. I'm beginning to enjoy this comic book much more than I was during the Urzkatarga bit. Plus Nicola Scott's art is pleasing.

Wonder Woman #9

"I get all of my wall art from ads in the back of Heavy Metal Magazine."

If anybody is going to see the 3:50 showing of Rogue One at Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing Theater in Beaverton, I'll be the person most likely loudly arguing politics with my father throughout the entire move. See you there!

This issue begins with a totally hilarious penis joke about a plant that is also a god. At least I think it was a penis joke. I'm fairly certain that any time anybody mentions how size isn't everything, they're talking about their tiny penis. Not that there's anything wrong with having a tiny penis! I mean, there totally is! Wait! I didn't mean that the way it sounds. I just mean that if you're a man and you have a tiny penis, you almost certainly lack all self-confidence and will never feel comfortable taking showers with other men which totally limits your opportunities to see other penises! What a terrible life! Although, one must suppose, if a person has a tiny penis, they overcompensate in other ways that could make them hugely successful (or so I've heard every time somebody comments on a man in a shiny red sports car or a massive truck). My penis is a perfectly reasonable size which is code for "it's not massive but I've never been too embarrassed to have somebody put it in their mouth."

Trevor has given the plant to the woman with the scar across her left eye. I don't remember her name because it has too many vowels in it and also an X that isn't pronounced (probably?). It's probably why Trevor just calls her Ma'am the entire time. Although that word has too many vowels and an extra piece of punctuation, so it's not ideal either.

Wonder Woman is out with Etta Candy and Barbara or Minerva or Priscilla or Ann or Deborah or whatever Cheetah's name is. It's not that I don't care (I mean, I don't care but that's not the reason I don't know Cheetah's real name!), it's that this entire story is about how Wonder Woman's history is a huge lie and she doesn't know which of her memories are true. So is this the first Cheetah or the second Cheetah or the third Cheetah or the...was there a fourth Cheetah? I mean, is the post-Crisis Cheetah the same Cheetah as the post-Zero Hour Cheetah? And did anything change in the Cheetah line-up after Infinite Crisis? And, of course, The New 52 means there was ever only one Cheetah anyway, right? Except that's the whole point of this Rebirth Wonder Woman shit! To get all of the past history straight! I hope they bring back Priscilla and Debbie!

Meanwhile some shady shit is going down in Washington, DC. No, different shady shit than that. This shit involves the CEO of Empire Enterprise (a name which just shouts "I am a super-villain seeking world domination!") and her two Doberman Pinschers. The company's logo is some octopus thing, probably Scylla or the other one that's impossible to spell or say. So, you know, that's another clue she's evil. Her company has a plant in Etta Candy's ARGUS world, and I'm not talking about Urzkartaga. They plan on following Wonder Woman so that they can find Paradise Island.

While Etta and Barbara work to find Paradise Island using all of the government's satellite data and maps and Barbara's knowledge of polygottism (even though Barbara points out immediately that none of that stuff will help find Paradise Island because it lies in a spiritual location and not a physical one, or something. So, um, what the fuck are they doing then?), Diana takes off to go get some penis.

The first part of the date with Steve Trevor is spent on working through the fact that Diana has come back to Steve because Superman died. Man feelings are quite tender no matter how much men like to deny they have any. Women know this far better than any man could ever know because they're all so self-involved. So when a man needs emotional support (which is, like, almost constantly, the big babies), women freely give that support. But when a woman needs emotional support (which is, like, far less often than most people tend to think), men roll their eyes and think, "Again?! CHRIST ALMIGHTY!" Wouldn't it be wonderful if people just gave each other the support they needed when they needed it instead of turning it into some kind of competition or game? I don't mean I should have to give any emotional support, of course! But I'd like it to be there for me when I need it! Which is, like, almost never. I'm Ford Tough and I don't have any issues with intimacy caused by my mother's refusal to hug me tenderly when life was crushing my soul.

The date ends with this:

Okay, maybe it doesn't exactly end here! It probably ends with Diana putting one of her legs up on the edge of the bathtub so she can use the handheld shower nozzle to flush the sand from her nether regions.

I hate when art is framed like the panel above. The space over their heads is fine but only if you don't cut the fucking characters off at the ankles!

Wonder Woman points out, before the fucking, how she believes love is limitless. This is something I've always believed even though I don't believe in love. I mean, I believe in caring and compassion and intimacy. But I always thought it was weird that we are allowed to fully hate as many people as our black hearts can manage but we're only ever allowed one true love. That's a social convention that I've always thought was just asking for a world full of hatred and...well, surprise! How about we turn this shit around? From now on, we can have only one True Enemy but we're allowed to love (and fuck, of course!) as many people as we see fit. And you can't hate everybody out of jealousy because of the one True Enemy clause! Of course, you're still allowed to make a monogamous contract with another person. That's between you and the other person! But I think we need some new Disney movies that don't concentrate on one true love and concentrate more on the princess who fucks lots and lots of guys and loves them all equally and the world is better for it.

The fucking between Diana and Steve is interrupted by a call from Candy. They've figured out a spot where Diana might be able to move through to Paradise Island. So Steve and Diana head there and it works! Just like that! Paradise Unlost! I mean, Paradise Found!

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking! I haven't really been enjoying this comic too much. I think it was the Urzkartaga story arc. But I liked this issue. Probably because I'm a fan of women shopping and women fucking soldiers on beaches.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #8

I thought about calling this "A Corpse and the Green Lantern Corps," but I don't think Hal Jordan's corpse will make an appearance. So I'll just leave it as is.

I've got a busy week doing like one whole planned thing every day this week, so I'm going to do some reviews that are really light on the words and heavy on the scans. And also there won't be many scans!

Don't you hate people who go on and on about how busy they are all the time? Don't you just want to slap them with a dick? I know I just said how busy I would be this week! But I don't say that all of the time. Usually I'm not busy at all! I hate to do things that are planned in advance because they completely ruin the day they're planned for and sometimes the day before as well. Today was Medical Errands Day! It wasn't a big deal so I won't go into detail. Tomorrow I have to go see Rogue One and have a pizza dinner with my father and sister. Ugh! So much work! The day after that, I have to go to a birthday dinner for a guy who is easier to describe as a stranger than my Non-Certified Spouse's Father's Wife's Son! But after that, I'm going to do Karaoke with the Non-Certified Spouse and her sister. I'm actually looking forward to that! Friday, a guest is coming by the house to bake cookies and talk about conspiracy theories and how I'm probably an unthinking idiot who listens to the Lamestream media simply because I think Ayn Rand was a twat. Thankfully it won't be too exhausting because we generally know better than to bring up topics that could lead to me calling the guest crazy. Again. Then Saturday is probably Christmas Eve Dinner with some family member. Whatever. And Sunday it's back to work! As you can see, there is no time at all in there to schedule reading comic books, even if most of those activities don't take up the whole day. They do, however, take up all of my energy reserves for the day!

Error?! Like Hal Jordan is too good for death? Just go fucking find a replacement already, you stupid ring!

Instead of looking for a replacement for Hal Jordan, the ring rushes off to find Hal himself. I suppose this is the ring Hal made. I can see him programming it to look for himself after he dies instead of a replacement. Because who does Hal think could replace Hal? Fucking nobody, bitches!

Ethan Van Sciver's art is terrible. But that's just my opinion! Take it for what's it's worth, and what it's worth is coming from somebody whose aesthetic is utility. You should see the shitty computer bag I use to carry my books and/or laptop around when I go to sit in a coffee shop in my moth-eaten t-shirts and worn out jeans! My aunt (who has less taste than I do!) gave the black bag to me with my initials embroidered on the front in white thread. So it's a clunky, visually unpleasing mess with JAG emblazoned on the front. I'm so fucking cool! Sometimes when I see a person glance at it, I think, "I wonder if they realize the JAG on this bag is the same JAG with the top score on Galaga down at the Retrocade?"

The Green Lantern Corps face their first major emergency before Mogo can even get settled into the only place in the universe that, I suppose, doesn't expand or orbit anything else? Is that how the center of the universe works? I mean in the DC Universe! In our universe, wherever the observer is observing is the center! So all of those dark thoughts you have late at night where you picture yourself as the mover and shaker of everything and the only important cog to the whole fucking system? That's pretty much true. Especially when you realize that there is no difference between your death and the death of the universe. When you stop observing it, it actually stops existing. I mean, from your perspective! Which is now non-existent. Or something.

The emergency? Starro is attacking Tomar-Re's home! But since Tomar-Re is dead, Starro isn't attacking anything and doesn't exist! Too bad Starro is also attacking Tomar-Tu's homeworld and Tomar-Tu is still alive to perceive Starro which means disaster for Xudar (that's the name of the planet he's from!).

It's canon! Starro is ace! What? I do too know what I'm talking about!

Starro begins flinging its spores all over Xudar. It's totally disgusting. It's like my bedroom when I was fifteen.

Soranik arrives with her Yellow Lanterns to help defeat Starro even though John was all, "You listen to me, woman! You stay behind with your filthy animal friends!" But now Soranik is all, "Look at my tits! LOOK AT THEM! I AM POWERFUL!" She also continues to call the Yellow Lanterns "The Sinestro Corps" which seems a bit like calling the post-World-War-II German people "Hitlerites." Sinestro is dead and gone and was a cancer to the universe. Why would you continue to call your army by his name?!

Starro disappears because it gets bottled by Brainiac 2.0 who is now into collecting species instead of dying worlds. But he's not doing it for himself. He seems to be working for somebody called The Grand Collector. Is he selling DC characters to Marvel? Anyway, Brainiac 2.0 also bottles the Green and Yellow Lanterns. These stupid Lanterns keep getting cut off from their universe! They're the worst fascist, militarized police force in the history of fascist, militarized police forces.

The epilogue consists of Ganthet and Sayd being visited by Hal Jordan's ring and realizing that their time of exile has ended, whatever that means. I guess the less things change, the less things change. The fucking Guardians are coming back. Whee. I'm so excited.

The Rating!
No change. Hal Jordan became pure will to destroy Sinestro. Does that mean Sinestro became pure fear? And now they're zipping around in space as abstract ideas until something can give them form once again? Something like a Guardian of the Universe? Or, in Sinestro's case, a Pensioner of Qwaard?

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #7

Sinestro pulls off a negligibly sexy Butt/Boobs Showcase.

What's the proper way to express that a woman is sexually attracted to another person? It isn't by yelling "GOOOSH!" really loudly, is it? I'm, um, asking for a friend.

Sinestro couldn't defeat the Lanterns when they were powerless against anything yellow. What makes him think he can stop them now? Oh right! Pride and his huge Korugarian cock.

This issue begins in a way that I used to define as "Lobdelling it." The first page is full of Narration Boxes reminding the reader who the main character is and what his motivations might be. In Superboy's case, it was that he was created to be a living weapon. In Hal Jordan's case, it's because he watched his father throw his life away to the military to test planes that probably weren't going to fly straight. I think I'm supposed to turn the page with the feeling that Hal Jordan has overcome some serious hardships to find his true calling. But all I'm thinking is, "This guy needs some serious validation because of his Daddy Issues."

Lobdelled first pages always feel like a starter method for writers who aren't sure how to get back into the story after however they ended it the previous month. It's like I have to see their writing exercises to get their mojo-soaked juices flowing again. In Lobdell's case, it usually just means the next few pages are going to completely alter the previous issue's last few pages. I suppose in Venditti's case, he's just trying to set up some thematic elements that will reflect on Jordan's relationship with Sinestro. About 75% of that relationship is comparing cock sizes. That's why I mentioned Sinestro's cock earlier! It's an important aspect in his constant fuckfighting with Hal Jordan.

GOOOSH!

I suspect when I turn the page, I'm going to read ten pages of light construct battles where Hal makes a giant green bowling ball to deflect the giant yellow pins Sinestro sends at him. And then Hal will launch a huge green shuttlecock at Sinestro who will whip it back at Hal with a large yellow racket. Then Hal will create a giant green version of Sinestro and Sinestro will create a giant yellow version of Hal Jordan and I'll become too confused to keep masturbating to the fuckfight.

While this is going on, Lyssa is probably rubbing her engorged lady parts all over Guy Gardner's throbbing mandeal.

While that is going on, John Stewart is leading the Green Lantern Corps into battle.

I'd prefer a leader whose pre-speech battle doesn't strongly imply that we're all going to die.

For completists who read the first scanned panel and thought, "But how does Sinestro finish that statement?!", that second scanned panel is for you!

Hal Jordan's first move against Sinestro is to point out Sinestro's record against Hal Jordan. It's something like five billion to zero. Although I can see why Sinestro might think it's more like five billion to five billion since he'd see every battle they'd ever had in terms of how he beat Hal at first (one win!) but then Hal always came back to ultimately win the day (one loss!). I know that's how I track all of the women I've ever slept with. "Excuse me, would you like to go on a date that will obviously eventually lead to sex?" (One sexual partner!) "No." (Um, still one sexual partner, as far as my bros are concerned!) This is probably why the term "talked" has become synonymous with sex. Because a lot of guys are constantly striking out but they don't want to go into the details of the no sex, seeing as how that would shatter the illusion that they had sex!

The actual first move, in regards to light constructs, is this: Hal Jordan shoots a bunch of dildos at Sinestro while he creates a clawed receptacle to catch them. I think that sums up their relationship fairly well. This double splash page could also just have been Hal with his pants around his ankles pounding Sinestro in the ass while Sinestro cries tears of joy and mutters, "My greatest friend! My worst enemy!"

Sinestro points out that Hal Jordan might be the most stubborn man in the universe but he's really not that bright when it comes to tactics and strategy and crossword puzzles. But Hal Jordan is way ahead of Sinestro this time because Hal knows that too! That's why he didn't come up with the current plan to bring down Sinestro! That plan was thought up by the real greatest Green Lantern of all time! Guy Gardner! No wait. He's currently having the most painful and scariest sex ever with Lyssa. The person who came up with the plan probably has huge Daddy Issues that need to be resolved. So that would be...well shit. That could be anybody in the DC Universe. Oh! But it will probably be thematic to this story! So, um, what's her name! Sinestro's daughter! Soranik!

Soranik is busy freeing Guy Gardner and the other prisoners of the Fear Engine so it can be dismantled and Sinestro's power will drop from 1000% to the normal 100% that doesn't do any good against Hal Jordan's willpower. Soranik knocks out Lyssa and, somehow, none of Lyssa's sexy parts fall out of her negligible costume when she falls over. Darn.

Soranik, Guy, and all the prisoners flee the planet as Hal Jordan decides to crash and burn. I mean, he calls it a blaze of glory and a triumphant defeat but he spent all that time reminding readers about his dad's death and how he knew he would one day go out the same way. Hal turns himself into a Willpower Bomb and blows himself up, taking Warworld, Sinestro, and Lyssa with him. As Sinestro dies, he yells, "Lyssa, you idiot! Why didn't you tell me this was going to happen?!" Lyssa dies shrugging.

John and his army arrive just in time to see Warworld blow up. Good job, Green Lantern Corps! After that, Soranik, Guy, and all of the Yellow Lanterns who finally decided they didn't care about fighting at the side of a maniac who killed anybody who disappointed him. I guess the Green Lanterns have some new, and particularly horrible looking, new recruits? Maybe the Yellow Lanterns will become Guy's battalion. I mean, they already have a leader in Soranik but who fucking cares about Soranik?! She can be the female character that's entirely capable of being the hero but takes a back seat to the guy. A literal Guy this time!

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking. I can't not raise the ranking of a comic book that just killed Hal Jordan and Sinestro, right?! I mean, I'm sure they weren't vaporized (although Sinestro had a skeletal hand just before the end, to demonstrate the raw power generated by Hal). They've probably been converted to light energy or something. I mean, Hal Jordan is still in the title of the comic book! This isn't "The Green Lantern Corps and Memories of Hal Jordan!"