Batman Loves Superman #30

The worst part about these gimmick covers is that I have to hunt for the scissors to open the stupid bags.

Rating: +5 Ranking.

Come on! This is what The New 52 Batman Loves Superman comic book should have been from the beginning! Greg Pak's initial vision was too much exactly like the Preboot version where we see Batman's thoughts on a subject and then Superman's thoughts on a subject and we think, "Oh! I get it! They're different! But the same! When did I last jerk off?" And after his first story (which was cool because Jae Lee did the art), the entire book wound up in the toilet (which was expectd because Brett Booth began doing the art). But Tom Taylor has now written a story where Batman is a Batman I can feel good about liking, Superman is a Superman who isn't worried about getting beat up and he's doing the right thing, and Lobo is fucking Lobo in the way Lobo should be Lobo. By which I mean he's the villain and he gets beat in the end and he's not a complete and utter twat.

While I'm praising the writing, I should also note that Rocha and Leisten do their job well. I'm not a particularly visual person so I don't really critique the art unless it's just fucking awful (see that thing I wrote earlier about Brett Booth). I don't even know why I read comic books!

No wait! I do know why! Because I'd rather see pictures of the people and the environment than have to read page after page of descriptive prose! And I like dialogue in speech bubbles so I don't have to constantly skim past all the Batman saids and Superman saids and Lobo growleds!

Earth Too: Society #10

What if Hourman had to save the world from a catastrophe that was happening just seconds before the jump to Daylight Savings Time?!

Rating: -1 Ranking.

This has simply become another one of those shitty modern takes on super heroes where the general populace mistrusts them and fears them and hates them because drama. Although I guess it's not really all that modern since it's been the basic story of the X-men since it first became the basic story of the X-men. I should probably research shit before beginning statements that could use research and then not doing the research so that the statement becomes a useless tautology.

Val-el gives up the family crest because his name is really Val-Zod and he probably shouldn't have been wearing the crest of El in the first place. Actually, he gives it up because Martha Kent is all, "My son was great but I should have been afraid of him! I'm now pleading with every thing that I'm afraid of to stop existing! The world should be the way I want it to be! Boo hoo! Farts!"

Okay, she didn't end her statement with farts. But she may as well have because it was shit.

The best part of the issue was the part where Aquawoman doesn't wear any pants under her transparent skirt. I'm still flushed from that scene! Where's my "my genitals are on fire" fan so I can cool off while looking demure?

New Suicide Squad #18

Since the Squad is clearly using projectile weapons for this attack, Cheetah should be bent over ready to spray.

Rating: +1 Ranking.

This issue was weird and annoying but ultimately satisfying in its final explanation of what's going on. Last issue felt like a return to what I think of as the Suicide Squad Status Quo. The team was working a mission for the government which the government didn't want to be associated with. But then they all died which is a classic Suicide Squad cliffhanger, right?! But this issue ends in another place and time with Harley telling a story about a lunch lady. So confusing! Because it's been a month and I couldn't even remember, at the start of this issue, how the previous issue ended! It all came back in time since Harley provided a recap of last issue. Turns out the Squad was saved by yet another organization that wants to use the Squad for good with the bait being that they can eventually kill Amanda. So annoying! The whole premise was on track and then Seeley changes it up to a whole new thing that's kind of like the old thing but different somehow! The team is taken to Germany where they meet an almost exact replica of the nineties Xcalibur team (unless it was Xforce (or Xtinction (or Xallthe90steamswereidiotic))) whom they party with. But as they party, one of them is shot in the head and its a trap! The whole thing was just a chance for the Fist of Cain to lure the Squad into one of their games where they score points for kills! So satisfying! And now Amanda needs to help save her team! Hopefully with a new team assembled under the leadership of Captain Boomerang!

I should also point out that this comic book has the most disturbing image of any comic book I've ever read ever (and I'm pretty sure I've read comic books depicting nonconsensual necrophilia (you'd think all necrophilia would be nonconsensual but you'd be wrong because the consensual stuff is hot)): Captain Boomerang being stabbed in the open mouth with a pizza trowel. The way its depicted sliding between his teeth? Oh god. My stomach is heaving just typing that. Also because I'm looking at it again and...ugh. Oh god. I have to go now.

The Legend of Wonder Woman #3

Rating: +3 Ranking.

I've been overly cynical about this title because it felt like a reaction to all of the nonsense about Wonder Woman's origin being too confusing (I'm including the nonsense that that was even an actual belief at DC). But this is good shit. Even if it is a marketing decision to cleanse any bad taste left in the mouths of fans from Azzarello's plot decisions, it works. It's a solid story well told and could easily be adapted as the script for a Wonder Woman origin movie. It doesn't even have to be the first Wonder Woman movie, especially since she's being introduced in the middle of her character arc in Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us. Let the first Wonder Woman movie advance from there with her origins still being a mystery to those who don't already know it. This could be a follow-up with a smaller, puffier B-story happening in the present. Preferably a story that takes place in a Sex Dungeon.

Gotham Academy #16

Rating: No change.

It's probably time for Gotham Academy to begin tackling real issues in the way Degrassi Junior High did. When is Maps going to realize she's trans? When is Heathcliff going to return and begin stalking and terrorizing Pomeline? When is Olive going to make a pass at Pomeline at a party only to be rebuffed by the super-duper heterosexual and probably eighteen year old Pomeline because Pomeline is totally into me? When is Colton going to overdose on heroin after burning down the gymnasium with fireworks during the Spring Dance? When is Kyle going to realize he's too cool for Pizza Detective Club and tell the nerds to take a fucking hike?! When is Hugo Strange going to be arrested for selling child pornography? When is Wheels going to kill a kid in a drunk driving accident immediately after graduation?

Catwoman #50

I didn't realize Catwoman's leathers were fireproof.

Rating: -1 Ranking.

I suppose for how convoluted the "Run Like Hell" story became, it's passable for a heist gone wacky story. The dialogue is for crap but the story allows Selina to get one over on Lex Luthor because it's her comic book. But forget that story. Let's talk about the back-up story, "Night at the Museum."

Was this a time travel story? Why did it take place fifteen years ago when the established timeline of The New 52/DC Youniverse is somewhere between six and nine years old? How old was Selina supposed to be in that story? Eight? By her looks, I'd say the minimum age she could have been was fifteen. So she's supposed to be thirty? I suppose that makes her age appropriate for Batman, right? Hell, Rebirth is coming so it doesn't matter anyway! The question I should be asking is "Why the fuck was this Origin of the Black Mask's Mask story in Catwoman?!" Even though I have no interest in more Black Mask stories, the next Catwoman story had better be about Catwoman and her relationship with this mask!

The New Titans #62 (January 1990)

Anybody paying the kind of close attention they probably aren’t paying because this isn’t about them might notice that I skipped The New Titans #60 and #61. That’s because I don’t own them. They’re two parts of the five part A Lonely Place of Dying which just happened to come out in the fall of my first year of college. So instead of being anywhere near my local comic book shop, I was in Portland and had other things to do than instantly find a new local shop. By the time I got around to finding Pegasus Comics (now, apparently, Things From Another World) to pick up any back issues I’d missed, A Lonely Place of Dying was either sold out or already being sold for way more than cover price. Speculation may not have ramped up into a frenzy but it was good enough to sellout Batman books, especially when they had plots dramatically changing things up with the characters.

Or, you know, I had them stored in another box with the rest of "A Lonely Place of Dying" and will eventually get around to reviewing them in 2019 and you've read those reviews in order and you just read the opening to this review and were thinking, "What the fuck is this delusional idiot talking about?" Well, sirs and ladies, I am not delusional. I'm just unstuck in time.

This issue reintroduces Deathstork into the mix because by the end of the year (or sometime in the next), he’d be starring in his own series. I’ll be rereading those in conjunction with the Titans books when I get to that time. And then the Team Titans come around and I’ll have to dig out those too! So basically, I’ll still be reading a shit-ton of Wildebeest stories.

This story is a bit of a Wildebeest-Lite story. No Wildebeest but a conspiracy of Wererat movers and shakers who are reminiscent of Wildebeest. They look like The Hyena but he’s a Firestorm foe which is why I’m not mentioning him anymore.

Also, the Titans have stumbled into a situation that will involve them saving people’s lives and acting heroic. Lucky them! Unless all of their fathers turn out to be Wererats too. Which is totally possible.