Justice League #8

Why? What does he have to offer over the current all-star line-up? A strong liberal opinion and a hatred for internet celebrities?

The Super Friends don't want any new members for their club. It's Congress that would like them to expand their roster with a mole. I mean a plant. I mean a respected member of the community.

I just glanced through the current titles of the New 52 to find someone other than Green Arrow that could join the Justice League and it's slim pickings. A bunch of vigilante types. Some aliens. A few non-heroes. And some other Batpeople.

The issue begins just as the Justice League is taking down Amazo in Seattle. So like last issue, the battle with the bad guy doesn't actually need to be shown because, you know, it's the Justice League with all the heavy hitters (and Aquaman). Which only goes to show that Green Arrow would be superfluous. Except I have a feeling that this story will show why he would make a good member and he'll offer something that the others can't currently do (maybe Batman will be in the bathroom), like shooting a Boxing Glove Arrow that isn't in the shape of a bat.

It's time for Numbers Fun with the Justice League! How did they come up with the odds of 1 in 1000? Flash states the more people Cyborg takes with him, the higher the strain. This would seem to indicate a lesser chance for a malfunction given less people in the Boom, dropping to zero percent chance when just Cyborg travels. So I'd guess that 1 in 1000 indicates the odds when Booming seven people. But they've only accidentally Boomed to Apokolips twice. Which means they don't have a good amount of data to have determined that the odds are 1 out of 1000. If they determined 1 out of every 1000 jumps is a malfunction based on the 2nd time they ended up on Apokolips, let's say it was exactly that. 2000 Booms; 2 trips to Apokolips. But now it's been 3056 Booms; 2 trips to Apokolips. So now the odds are 1 in every 1528 Booms! Besides, they aren't technically overdue. If the odds truly are 1 in 1000, every trip has those odds regardless of past precedent.

While the Justice League worries about ending up on Apokolips and Amazo continues to regenerate, Green Arrow busts in on the scene all wide-eyed wonder and excited to meet some real super stars! But the popular kids don't want the fat nerd hanging around. Green Arrow claims he helped bring down Amazo but the Justice League isn't buying it.

I admit it. I laughed.

Green Arrow actually wants to be recruited and makes his pitch to the team telling them all about his dozens of different arrows he can fire! DOZENS! Batman has his own secretive Bat-reasons for not wanting any new members. And Aquaman must have had a run-in with him over in an Aquaman comic I've yet to read since he seems to dislike him quite a bit. And Green Lantern shares my assessment.

More of the New 52 need more of that kind of exchange. The Justice League has made me laugh twice now. That's a pretty impressive feat!

The Justice League ditches Green Arrow. The arrogant jerks and Green Arrow's attitude in this scene have done more for Green Arrow in the New 52 than Green Arrow's own comic. I liked him here over everything else in the New DCU he's been in.

One week later, the Justice League are battling a whole slew of Talons aboard an ARGUS plane leaving Gotham. Batman is dealing with Talons of his own so he's only talking to the team over the phone. Probably over a hands-free device. Probably a Bat-hands-free device! The Justice League have busted into the ARGUS plane mid-flight to stop the undead Talons.

As they're battling, Green Arrow's arrows start flying! He intercepted their message and got on the plane before it took off. Once again, the cool kids tell him he isn't wanted and leave him in the middle of nowhere after the fight is over.

Green Arrow tries one more time and they just brush him off. But this time he's intercepted by Steve Trevor who makes Green Arrow a deal. He can use his social conscience to help out another team dealing with the political and corporate world. Sounds like he might be offering him a place on Justice League International.

Back on the Justice League Satellite, the team consider the possibility of enlisting new members at some point. But Batman is adamant against it because of the last time they brought a new member on board the satellite.

So Martian Manhunter was a part of the League at some point. He probably infiltrated it on behalf of Stormwatch to keep an eye on the new upstarts on the block.

That explains Batman's mistrust of others. The current seven member team has proven themselves trustworthy and they're powerful enough to take on nearly any problem. So who needs the added stress of a new member who can turn on you at any moment? Especially one like Martian Manhunter who is practically more powerful than the Justice League itself.

The Shazam back-up story has Billy moving in to his new home with his five other new brothers and sisters. These are the kids that made up the Marvel Family in Flashpoint. So it looks like Shazam will be the whole group of them and maybe Billy Batson will continue to be Captain Marvel and not Shazam like I was hoping. Or maybe they'll all just continue to go by their normal names even when Shazammed out.

In the story, Billy is still a dick but you get to see him at least feel a bit sorry for making one of his new sisters cry. And Mary is in total control. And the others are the others. Still no sign of Magic Lightning or Gods.

Justice League Issue #8 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm really starting to like a number of things about this comic. So far the only real fight showcased was against Darkseid and that lasted way too many issues. But since then, Johns has been concentrating on the other things that go into being a member of the Justice League and less on the battles. I like that style (and I know it won't last. Another big fight crisis will be up soon) since this team really can take down nearly any threat with no problem; there's no need to show every punch. And I like the humor. Humor that is actual humor and not throw away lines of repartee when fighting. It's looking to me like the Darkseid story will probably end up being the weakest point of the book!

Justice League #7

Now THAT'S an Amorphous Tar Monster!

Justice League has now moved into the future. I guess the first story was just to let us know how it all began this time around. Even though it doesn't even matter. Because Issues #1-6 are the new way in which the Justice League met. But then everything that ever happened to these seven heroes across the Old DC Universe has now happened to them in the space of the last five years. Except maybe Crisis on Infinite Earths since Barry Allen died in that. And maybe some other things. Like Amanda Waller not getting fat or aging for about a decade. Maybe that's in her future!

Why am I even talking about The Wall? She isn't in this comic! But Steve Trevor is! That's the guy who brought Wonder Woman to America. He runs some organization called A.R.G.U.S.H.: Advanced Research Group Uniting Super Humans. Except they refer to it as ARGUS. Maybe he's become the Justice League's manager!

Currently, his team of normal humans are fighting the little tar monsters but none of the normal, normal humans believe they can defeat them without the help of the Justice League. Even a Goddamn reporter interferes and acts like she's got the most important job in the world and everything needs to stop to pay attention to her.

Fuck bitch! Give a guy some room to save your ass.

The Justice League beat up these little spores or whatever they are pretty handily. Green Lantern runs them over with a giant green train. How imaginative. He already used the train in Voodoo! I can't believe we're getting light creation repeats already! The rest of the Justice League just hit stuff. But what they're really looking for is some guy named Samuel Street who was transporting some virus and then exposed to it. He mutated into something they're calling Spore. The little black tarlings are his seeds. I thought they looked a bit semen-like.

This whole catastrophe began when some unknown somebody broke into some government Black Ops Trophy Warehouse and stole the Orb of Ra. So that means Metamorpho is going to return to the New 52, right? RIGHT?!

The Justice League track down Spore fairly handily and begin the process of beating him up. It's a fairly standard story.

Is Superman this demanding on all of his dates?

After Spore is stopped (that panel up there is the last panel of the fight), Steve Trevor has to hold a press conference. This is where the story really starts. It's about what Colonel Trevor has to go through as liaison for the Justice League. The press just hound him and call for the Justice League replace all the elected officials (stupid). Then Congress addresses him and says they want to control the Justice League. So Trevor threatens that the Justice League might not like Congress acting that way and they just might have to expose some of the Congressmen's secrets. The Congressmen start apologizing and back pedaling. I'm pretty sure they would really just scowl and get some Black Ops department to assassinate Steve Trevor. Like maybe the Suicide Squid Squad?

The main thing everyone wants to know is this: Is Colonel Trevor banging Wonder Woman? He denies it but when he's alone, the first thing he does is fire up Skype.

That's the look of someone who's getting laid!

Trevor fills the Justice League in on what he learned from Congress. He also talks with some of the other members a bit and we learn that Congress pays billions to keep Argus and the Justice League running. Which is why they want a little control. We also learn that Batman is a big two-faced lying hypocritical asshole who must be lying to Booster Gold if this comic book is to be believed.

All Batman has been doing is encouraging Booster and telling him the world needs the JLI. Is that supposed to be all bullshit simply because Batman doesn't want to deal with the politics of working with differing nations? Because that's not like Batman. If he really felt THIS way, he wouldn't be acting the way he is with Booster in JLI. I mean, I agree with his Batman. But this is really just Geoff Johns fucking up Batman's character to get a dig at Jurgens' horrible comic.

After the Skye session ends awkwardly, Trevor's assistant pokes her nose into his business. He confesses that he loves Wonder Woman and he's already told her. So who knows where that's going!

And finally, the guy who has been writing all of the books about the Justice League and Atlantis and other supernatural or paranormal events, David Graves, is revealed to be the man who stole the Orb of Ra. He also believes he knows how to defeat the Justice League and the key is Colonel Steve Trevor. Dun dun DUN!

The back-up story is about Shazam who is now called Shazam and not Captain Marvel. Seriously. It's about time. That's all anybody ever knew him by anyway! And it's not like Marvel has a Captain DC. Unless they do! That'd be pretty cool.

It just sets up the story. Lots of people have been tested to be Shazam but it hasn't taken. Dr. Sivana has been noticing these stories and believes some kind of magic is happening that he can use for his own ends. I wonder if he still has the tiny Mr. Mind in a jar in his lab? And Billy Batson is an asshole looking for a foster family. He acts nice but he's a little punk. And that's it. Just an introduction, really. But it looks like Shazam will be a continuous back-up feature in Justice League for the time being. I'm kind of looking forward to his.

Justice League Issue #7 Rating: No change. I like that the issue didn't revolve around a big fight. A lot of background stuff involving Trevor and how the Justice League functions and pays for itself. But I can't look past that bit where Batman throws the Justice League International under the Batbus when he's been nothing but supportive of it and to Booster over in Justice League International. Poor character work there, Johns.

Justice League #6

It's about time I'm back to reading Justice League!

It's hard to believe the last time I read an issue of Justice League was in January! I really need to catch up so I can read these comics real time as they come out. So, when I last visited these jerks, Green Lantern had a broken arm, Superman had been kidnapped against his will and Batman kidnapped on purpose. Cyborg was the information specialist. And Flash, Aquaman, and Wonder Woman were just lollygagging until it was time to pull their weight. Let's hope that's now!

On the first page, Geoff Johns pulls one of Vonnegut's cardinal sins while seeming to try to take a Vonnegutian view of the Darkseid encounter. He focuses on a family of normal people in the middle of the alien invasion. The father has lost hope and believes his family is about to die. But then he sees the super heroes fighting back and hope is restored!

The story should have started from the view of that other family!

I guess some people need to die to show that the danger that destroyed the city was real and that the super heroes are really needed. I was just being a cynical douchebag.

Last issue, Batman told Green Lantern to pull everyone together and act like a leader. He told him to talk smart so they'd listen to him. They do end up pulling together and attacking Darkseid. But Green Lantern can't seem to sound smart.

Didn't Wonder Woman say something last issue about stabbing Darkseid in the eyes?

Wonder Woman throws her lasso around Darkseid and commands him to tell them why he's here. He says, "For her," and then punches Wonder Woman in the face which causes a giant white ball of lightning for some reason. I'm sure those two events don't have anything to do with each other. But the panels don't help me understand what just happened so that's my guess.

Here are the panels of everything I just described! Why did I even bother?! But see what I mean? Big white flash after punching Wonder Woman in the jaw!

Meanwhile on Apokolips, Desaad and Steppenwolf are busy torturing Superman while trying to turn him into a new Super-Parademon Soldier. Again, here's the panel of what I just described:

The only reason I know Steppenwolf is because of the DC Super Friends' action figure of him when I was younger. I liked that he had an axe attached by a cord so he could get hung up on bushes and things when playing Hot Lava with them. Don't embarrass me by figuring out when these figures were available and how old I must have been when playing with them.

Batman is nearby hiding in the shadows waiting for his moment to save Superman. Also, the "HER" Darkseid was referring to is his daughter. Does that mean Barda? Or someone else? My Apokolips lore is a bit rusty and stale. Both of them at the same time!

Wonder Woman steps up and takes the lead in the battle! She can actually deflect Darkseid's Omega Beams with her bracelets. And then she leaps up and stabs him in his left eye! And then Aquaman jabs his trident in Darkseid's other eye. I think Darkseid's retinas are also practically stone so he just kind of bleeds some Omega Energy and staggers around a bit. It'll take more than a couple of archaic weapons to bring down the cosmic bastard.

The other part of the plan is to open a Boom Tube with the Mother Boxes (Yeah, the Boom Cubes. I can't believe I forgot that was what they were called) and send Darkseid home. Luckily the portals open right next to Superman and Batman so that they can return home! It's like a foreign exchange program. A really violent and bloody exchange program. With a major dick as your student.

The exchange is successful after a lot of drama and "you can do its" and "our last chances!" Darkseid is BOOMED back home leaving Superman and Batman back on Earth where they belong. Well, where Batman belongs. Damn Kryptonian foreigner! Go back where you came from! Taking all of our news reporter jobs!

Afterward, all the normal people cheer and are happy and content and love the Super Heroes forever more! They even had a ceremony at the White House with the Serial Killer Kid.

I appreciate the various ways Johns has been dealing with poor Aquaman. Forcing the orange color on him and not making it his choice works well. Although why would Atlantean Scale Mail be orange? Isn't that kind of a Redcoats thing? Does bright orange help camouflage you in the deep sea?

That guy from the beginning whose family survived while others were decimated ends up writing a book and calling it "Justice League: Gods Among Men." The populace think they're a team now. And Batman likes the idea of everyone thinking that so that he and Green Lantern and probably The Flash will finally be left alone by the authorities. This ceremony gives them the backing of the highest authority in the land. I think saying "highest authority" is a pun because Bush was probably sucking cocaine before the speech. Someone asks if they have a name and Barry tells them what it is.

I don't know. It made me laugh.

And during the ceremony, another super crisis crops up! The president declares the Super Seven are needed once again! And thus, I guess, these dorks are stuck with one another.

There's also a back-up story in this issue about someone named Pandora that takes place in the present (not five years in the past!). It looks like THE Pandora. She seems to be cursed to watch the world in the same way The Phantom Stranger is. But she is no longer observing. She's changing reality and the world. I suppose this is the Woman in Red that made a cameo in all of the first issues. Unless she was really the woman in purple! But that woman helped change reality with The Flash in Flashpoint.

Pandora is protecting her box (hee hee) but Phantom Stranger thinks she isn't responsible enough to have it any more. She doesn't care and shoots him in the head. So Pandora wields guns now. Phantom Stranger decides he doesn't like being shot and lets her go for now. She heads off to find "The Strange"? with the help of the Justice League. To be continued!

Justice League Issue #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. I like the interaction between these heroes. And now they're kind of being peer pressured into working together. Batman sees the value in it which means they'll all see the value in it soon. This first story was a lot of fighting and getting to know each other and it was still a decent read. Let's hope things get more interesting as they get more involved.

Legion of Super-heroes #8

If I could turn invisible, I'd want it to be a surprise. I'd call myself The Flash.

This issue contains two stories so maybe it'll either be twice as boring as a normal issue or half as boring. I'm not sure how the physics works.

Fault #6. I never know what they're fucking talking about!

This here Furry is the antagonist of this first story. Judging by the cover, Invisible Boy is the protagonist and may be in this panel. Also, does this alien creature not have nipples? Or is she wearing a nude suit for her race's pinkish-purple color and the little crotch scarf is just to hide the camel toe? Her accomplice is a big amorphous tar beast. Well, he's not totally amorphous. He's got the potential to be amorphous. Or else he's just covered in tentacles. It's hard to tell with DC aliens! Maybe he's not tar-like or amorphous! I think he's just big and slick and black and covered in tentacles. And he has one jaw inset within another jaw.

These aliens are stealing that thing the Furry mentions in that panel up there. It's a futuristic thing so maybe nobody is supposed to understand what she's saying. But I think long time readers of Legion of Super-heroes might have an idea. I'm a no-time reader of Legion of Super-heroes (well, 7 issue time reader!) so I have no idea what she's after. Invisible Kid does show up (or decides to finally show himself although he probably wasn't already here or else he wouldn't have let the first person get killed. Yes, someone was killed! I just didn't think it was important enough to mention!) and begins beating them into unconsciousness. The alien thief with the three eyes that's on the cover escapes with the bauble they were after.

Still speaking gibberish!

Invisible Kid seems to have a sister which brings me to another Fault (sort of)!

Fault #7: At least to a new reader, nobody's abilities are explained. Part of this is because many of the members of Legion are aliens from different planets who are just expressing the natural abilities of the populace of those planets. So no explanation is needed. But when the Legion Caption tells me a character is from Planet X and their Special Abilities are Prognostication, I'm not told if everyone from Planet X can Prognosticate or if it's just an individual ability of this Legion member. Now, when the character is from Earth like Invisible Kid, I know it's a super power. But I still have no idea why he can turn invisible or what kind of radioactive whatever bit him (possibly a jellyfish?)! Long time readers might not have this problem. But just try jumping into a Legion story and getting any kind of answers!

Mon-el and Ultra Boy are sent to recover the chip from the three-eyed goon. They defeat him easily since they're both invulnerable (well, Ultra Boy is when he choose that power) and all the goon has is a, well, what does it matter what weapon he has? They're invulnerable! They recover the Gold Master for Nano-amp #108 but did they recover it in time?!

Oh no! Not the technology that created Tharok! And not the Fatal Five! If you couldn't tell, that was sarcasm because I have no idea who Tharok or the Fatal Five are. But I'm guessing they're trouble!

That's the end of the first story. Maybe the idea of the Fatal Five returning is exciting to some readers. But I have no idea who it is. Maybe I should look it up in my old-school Who's Who!
Nope, nothing about The Fatal Five. But I did decide to pull the entry on The Legion of Super-heroes and scan it.

This shows 23 different Legionnaires. Except I think it actually shows 21 because one of them is in triplicate.

Invisible Kid in this old group is a non-french white kid named Lyle Norg who is described as a "dedicated genius" who has "given himself powers of invisibility." Phantom Girl is named Apparition. Oh! And I've stumbled upon the current Invisible Kid's sister: Computo! She's the black girl in the lower center in the red vest and gloves. Stylish!

I also just realized, reading the text on the back, that this isn't the Legion of Super-heroes! They're the Legionnaires who are clones (or just took the name of?) actual Legion of Super-hero members! So now I've just confused myself even more!

Here's the Legion of Super-heroes at the time with obvious Keith Giffen art.

It looks like some of the members here are from the Legionnaires. So whenever the Legionnaires were introduced in the comic (Legion of Super-heroes #24!), they quickly cross-pollinated. Whatever! Even their history is boring!

On to the next story after wasting my time with that foray into dullsville.

Well, the one thing this look back at the history gave me was the knowledge of why this next story is called "Founders' Night."

That's why I'm most familiar with these three: Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, and Cosmic Boy. They began the Legion of Super-heroes. Also, they were made into Heroclix.

Cosmic Boy is busy trying to figure out what happened to the Legion Lost members. But does it really matter? They went back in time; time has passed. They're dead! Okay, okay, they probably aren't. The reason they can't find any trace is because the members of Legion Lost probably end up going forward in time to some point in the Legion of Super-heroes' future where they'll all live happily ever after and time will pass and then they'll all die together. The end.

The Founders go out on the town to a night club in Istanbul. Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl full of PDA so Cosmic Boy wonders why they even brought him along. He gets his reason soon enough.

Strength activated by darkness? I'm pretty sure they just throw darts at a wall to give a new Legion member a power and then throw darts at another wall to give that power some kind of limit. "Shoots Rays that Transform People into Frogs" but "Only from her ass." "Can hypnotize people by humming" but "piddles when using the power." "Sonic Scream" but "only when constipated." As you can see, I seem to have a bathroom fetish.

During the time off, Lightning Lad has to go take care of a Lightning Problem. He gets back as the sun is rising to have one last dance with Saturn Girl. Cosmic Boy and Night Girl have it off. New baby name generator time: Cosmic Night or Girl Boy?!

Legion of Super-heroes Issue #8 Rating: -1 Ranking. Didn't follow the first story because it required outside knowledge of the team and the second story was the most boring night out I've never been on.

Legion of Super-heroes #7

If one Legion of Super-heroes member dies, how many are left? Infinity!

The old man from last issue defeats Chameleon Boy. He does this because he has a mandate from heaven.

Hee hee. Mandate.

Dragonwing spits fire on a bunch of Red Dragons and spits acid on a bunch of Red Dragons and tells them how she deserves to be a Legionnaire.

Listen to me. If I don't care about this comic book, why would anybody else care to read what I'm writing about it? What is it about this comic that just puts me to sleep? Let's work through its faults.

#1. Too many characters. The comic only has 20 pages of story and it has to have over 25 different characters. I know at least fifteen were introduced in the first issue alone and there have been plenty more since then. How am I supposed to develop any kind of attachment to any of these characters when they get so little story time? I can't even remember how they relate to each other from one issue to the next.

#2. It takes place 1000 years in the future. I don't give a shit about the DC Universe 1000 years in the future! It has no relationship at all to the other 51 comics. And while I don't really need the comics to interact (and definitely don't need them to cross over as much as DC has been doing), I at least need their to be some kind of tether between them.

#3. The characters don't have time to develop distinct personalities. And it doesn't help that they're all named Lass and Boy and Kid and Girl and Lad!

#4. The writer can easily choose characters to use based on what problems will develop within the story. Maybe this shouldn't be a fault as a writer is free to write anything he wants. But it just seems that with the wide array of powers inherent in the Legion, they heroes can accomplish just about anything.

#5. There are probably more problems but I'm even bored trying to figure out the problems with this comic. I'm sure there are Legion of Super-heroes fans. Maybe someday I'll be one of them! After I slog through 100 issues of this comic, maybe they'll grow on me!

Although, I do like the Substitute Legion of Super-heroes! They can be entertaining.

Meanwhile, in space and headed to Earth, Brainiac 5 convinces Mon-el to hold another election to determine a new leader for the Legion of Super-heroes. Brainiac 5 wants the position and believes he should have it since he's the smartest. I bet someone other than Brainiac 5 or Mon-el wins!

Elsewhere, the Dominators are cloning an army of Daxamites mixed with Dominator blood so that they will lose their allergy to lead and other heavy metals. Basically they'll have an army of supermen. And then they'll destroy the Legion! Yay! Go Dominators!

Here's a picture for your viewing pleasure.

The fight in China continues and since Chameleon Boy and Dragonwing aren't doing a very good job, Dream Girl, who can see the future and can tell that they're going to lose, sends Comet Girl and Harmonia to help out. I don't imagine Dream Girl would have sent a couple of Legionnaires that were going to lose the fight, so I think this one is about to wrap up.

Really? The true mandate of heaven? This is like arguing about who has the fastest unicorn.

Harmonia stops Phoenix somehow. I don't know exactly how because Harmonia's Legionnaire Super Power Box says this: "Abilities: Natural Elemental." What does that mean?!

And that's all wrapped up. Dragonwing's sister is sent to prison to escape at a later date and cause trouble. Phoenix is also wrapped up and put away. He'll be back around issue 34 when it's time for another Dragonwing story. And Chameleon Boy ends on a pouty note because he almost died. Boo hoo!

Legion of Super-heroes Issue #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. I can't just keep letting it tread water because I don't feel I know how to judge it. It's boring! Plus I gave it a +1 a few issues ago because it was actually entertaining. So I know I can be entertained by it! 1 good comic out of 7 isn't so bad, right? That's a better ratio than Grifter!

Legion of Super-heroes #6

Am I still reading this comic?

I don't expect much out of me while reading Legion of Super-heroes! Even though I kind of enjoyed the last issue, this team still doesn't interest me at all. Here we go!

Element Lad, Sun Boy and the Chemical Kid have journeyed to Earth. Earth in the 31st century (at least the China part) looks like a roiling ocean of lava. A few cities sit on islands amid the chaos covered in protective bubbles. Why am I describing this? See for yourself!

I wonder if the Legion ever teams up members who use the same noun in their name? Do two Boys or three Lasses ever go on the same mission? I bet not!

They're on a really boring mission that I don't care about. Once they're finished with their mission, Chemical Kid wants to take off and find Dragonwing who is currently on vacation in this mess. Element Lad is probably going to let him go since the cover shows Dragonwing fighting and she'll probably need some help. Although she might not need help from a guy who can catalyze chemical reactions. Big fucking whoop.

After a couple of meaningless pages with Dream Girl and Star Boy, Dragonwing enters her sister's apartment in China to find her missing. She also finds some kind of futuristic message from Red Dragon.

And a pretty carefully rendered dog ass.

Brainiac 5 and Mon-el are busy cleaning up the mess they made while stopping the Dominators and the rebel Daxamite. Mon-el is worried that the Dominators will return. Of course they'll return! It's just a matter of time until Paul Levitz can't think of any more plots that don't involve them.

Are those squat guys teenaged Dominators?

The Dominator who failed the mission is eaten by the really fat Dominator. The Dominators seem to live by a set of rules and Rule #4 is that everyone is food. Also, the discs on their head grow bigger with their accomplishments. Also also apparently the gravity on the Dominators homeworld is all fucked up because they all look so flat in that panel.

Back on Earth, it turns out Dragonwing's sister isn't missing. She has joined the Red Dragon Clan! Um, yeah. Does that mean she's bad? She looks bad. And she tries to kill her dog! I think that might be bad.

I guess China will never get over its reputation for having warring clans with animal names.

The dog turns out to be Chameleon Boy. So that really accurate ass you were looking at earlier was actually Chameleon Boy's sphincter. And this isn't even a Teen Plus comic!

Dragonwing's sister and her new Red Dragon gang attack her because that, apparently, is what you do. You don't just tell them that part of your life is over and never try to find me again. You just set your rival gang on your sister and finish her off. I'm going to go out on a limb and suppose that there is some Old DCU back story here that I'm missing out on.

Then this old guy appears.

And that's the end. So some shit happened and then some shit somewhere else happened and then some other alien shit happened on an alien planet and then the rest of the shit happened and the comic book ended.

Legion of Super-heroes Issue #6 Rating: No change. I really don't know how to judge a comic book filled with a bunch of characters I don't give one fig about. Not one! And I don't even like figs!

Green Lantern Corps #8

Is the Alpha War the Green Lantern Night of the Owls?

This issue begins with several Alpha Green Lanterns being recalled to base. My mind has just been replacing 'base' with 'Oa' while reading this page and now I'm wondering if it's something different. And what the fuck is an "Alpha" Green Lantern? The only Lantern's name I recognize is Boodikka. I think she was some big stone tough chick and I probably remember her from Green Lantern Corps Quarterly. Unless she was a big star in the Guy Gardner comic. But I've never read a regular Green Lantern title until The New 52.

Oh look! Here's the base on Oa on page two, panel one! It's a penis!

The Alpha Green Lanterns all seem to have their Power Battery located in their chest and their right arms are made of Green Lantern light. Or the arm with the attached hand wearing the ring. It's probably just a coincidence that they're all right handed. I'm sure this isn't any kind of slight against left handers.

They've gathered to review footage of John Stewart murdering Kirrt. I mean, John Stewart saving the universe. The Alphas are the Green Lantern version of Internal Affairs. They need to arrest John Stewart and make sure that he acted appropriately. Of course this will bring shame and dishonor to Kirrt when everyone sees that he was about to give up the entire universe just to avoid a little bit more pain. But you know, the Alpha Lanterns are a cross of the free will of the Green Lantern soldier and the cold, efficient logic of the Manhunters. And history has shown how well the Manhunters worked out for the universe.

Don't worry if you don't understand that last line. Millennium was a stupid cross-over event.
Green Lanterns' Internal Affairs have a rhyme as well!

OMG. That's awful. Misconduct must be answered for? I think these guys should actually be wearing white collars and ties.

Do the Green Lantern Office Managers have a chant as well?

"From early morning to end of day...
No paper clip shall go astray!
Every one do as I say...
Or else nobody gets their pay!

While Internal Affairs is getting ready to bust John's ass, the entire rest of the Green Lantern Corps are busy burying Sinestro's Main Yellow Lantern Battery beneath the surface of Oa. And it seems like only Guy Gardner thinks this is a bad idea. How come I'm the only guy with Guy on this one?

Calm down! Sinestro isn't even a Green Lantern anymore!

While everyone is frustrated with Guy Gardner screwing up their Yellow Battery Burial, Guy makes images with his ring showing scenes with everyone palling around with Sinestro.

Is this Freudian? Guy wants to play strip poker with TWO John Stewarts?

Guy gets called away by the Guardians and everybody "Ooohs" and "UH-OHS!" like kids at recess. Guy heads off to get his tongue lashing. He's probably been through enough of them. And what kind of punishment can the Oans ever give anyway? They're a non-threat! Until they become a gigantic cosmic threat, I mean. Which will probably be pretty soon.

Crap. Guy was the only one talking sense and now the Guardians agree with him. This must be Bizarro Oa.

And it just keeps getting weirder. Not weirder in a way I disagree with! Oh no! I'm on board with the following except for the fact that I think the Guardians are manipulating Guy Gardner for some reason.

A promotion? Way to go, Guy!

After Guy gets over his initial reaction which is mostly one of the "Bwa ha ha ha!" varieties (and might I say I'm happy to see Guy laugh like that here), the Guardians claim they're serious and plan to put Guy into a position as a kind of General to lead the rest of the Green Lanterns. And that is why this seems fishy. What is their plan here? They're obviously using Guy's arrogance and pride against him in some fashion. I can't even begin to speculate what's going on except that maybe they want to cause some kind of rift amongst the troops.

Later, after the promotion and the Yellow Battery is buried, Guy and John meet up at Guy's Warrior Bar on Oa for a few drinks and to relax. A few pages of really good comic and a scene that actually makes me laugh follow. And then a brawl breaks out in the bar with some mercenaries. But that doesn't cause the most damage to the bar. The stupid Internal Affairs Lanterns cause the most damage because they obviously don't know how to use a door.

Doesn't this count as "misconduct" or not "obeying the laws forevermore"? Where is Internal Affairs for Internal Affairs!? I know, I know. That question has been asked many times over.

Green Lantern Corps Issue #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic just gets better and better. It's no epic Sandman or V for Vendetta-esque masterpiece. But it's a great ride with a couple of good characters that Tomasi has a pretty good handle on. I'm enjoying it immensely.