Secret Society #1

Bill, I bet I can comment on this comic in three paragraphs!

The story, narrated by The Outsider, begins on Earth 3 men are women and children are adults and cats are mice. Your ass is in your crotch and you sit on your genitals. And worst of all, tomatoes are vegetables but everybody thinks they're fruits.

Oh! If everything is opposite, I bet Earth 3's Talon is interesting!

Owlman and Alfred "The Outsider" Pennyworth run Gotham City. I'm not exactly sure how you run a city where everybody murders everyone else and nobody can keep a television for more than a few hours and all the cars are stolen. Who does any legitimate work? Why would anybody want to when someone will just shoot you in the face to take whatever they want? It's really no surprise that Earth 3 was destroyed. It's breaking my brain just trying to comprehend how the place works! I guess Owlman says, "Hey you! Do that thing I want or Alfred will drill a hole in your abdomen and fuck your liver!" And then Hey You gets to fucking work because he's already had his liver fucked five times that week and he just can't take anymore.

Owlman has a secret about the reason he cried the day Alfred Pennyworth shot Owlman's parents. And Alfred Pennyworth has a secret about how much he loves Owlman's butt. No joke: it's better than Nightwing's. But Alfred thinks it's too early in the comic book to reveal those secrets and I have to agree for once. Because they're probably terrible and they'll just make me angry that they're secret at all. I'd rather be in a good mood for the first eighteen pages.

According to this exposition, it looks like The Godblessed Owlman does keep Gotham operating with a semblance of sanity. And bucket loads of fear and beatings. Just like Batman!

The Joker has killed Talon. Talon is dead! Hooray! But Talon was Dick Grayson. Boo! But Talon is dead! And Tim Drake too! Hooray for Earth 3! Although this Tim Drake had never been written by Scott Lobdell, so I really shouldn't celebrate his demise. Anyway, Owlman declares he's going to kill The Joker for killing Dick but we'll get to that later.

First let's talk about how this affects Owlman's feelings toward the currently captured Nightwing! No way is he going to allow the others to kill him. He'll probably slobber all over him and kiss his feet and underbelly and ask him for forgiveness. He'll probably call him Talon and then Nightwing will be all, "What the fuck?! How dare you! That guy's a boring jerk!" And Owlman will be all, "Don't you dare talk about Dick Grayson that way, Dick Grayson! Dick Grayson was a better Dick Grayson than you'll ever be, Dick Grayson!" And then he'll slap him and begin to walk away but he'll suddenly turn and fall on his knees and hug Dick Grayson around the waist (while caressing his butt because who can blame him? It's so amazing!) crying, "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry for everything!" And Nightwing will be all, "It's cool."

It's later!

With Talon dead and The Outsider convulsed in fits of laughter from The Joker's gag lapel flower, the Gotham City Police Department begin attacking Owlman. The Joker's final joke! With his death, the people of Gotham shall live!

Earth 3 finally fell apart when Darkseid attacked. Only The Outsider and Atomica escaped and that's been documented in other comic books. So I think I can stop reading now.

Except I almost forgot about Pennyworth's secret! I'm going to finish reading but he'd better tell it by the end or I'm going to rank this lower than Joker's Daughter #1!

And then the issue ends without revealing The Outsider's secret. But that's okay! I was just joking about ranking this issue lower than Ann Nocenti's crap. That was probably mean-spirited, threatening Johns and Sterling's work that way. Now I feel as guilty as Thomas Wayne AKA The Godblessed Owlman! And you know why he feels guilty? Because Dick Grayson is dead! But Dick Grayson is also alive! And Owlman wants him on his team!

Nightwing might as well join. What else is left for him?

Now that the Crime Syndicate have exposed Nightwing as Dick Grayson, every villain with even an average intelligence that is familiar with Gotham City or Bruce Wayne should jump to the conclusion that The Goddamned Batman is Bruce Wayne! Nightwing just won't be able to show his face at any of the Batfamily functions after this, especially after the way everybody treated Bruce when he almost exposed their secret identities.

Secret Society #1 Ranking: I enjoyed this one far more than a lot of the other issues this month mainly because it tied in to Forever Evil and helped flesh out some of the stuff hinted at concerning Owlman in Forever Evil #1. I also enjoyed getting a little glimpse into Earth 3. Having Dick Grayson become Talon to Thomas Wayne's The Godblessed Owlman was a nice piece of symmetry. And while some of the Villains Month comics didn't really feel like they did much, I'm sure as The New 52 continues plodding along, I'll be glad to have read them. Some of the stories might not have been very good but they at least planted some interesting seeds like Darkseid's Superman Corpse Room or Lex Luthor's experiments on Bizarro. Or they cleared up some really fucking stupid shit and added some decent enough explanations for things like H'el's abilities and origin. Although just like Scott Lobdell, he didn't stop at the explanation of H'el being a time loop. No, that fucker had to tack on all the other bullshit like H'el killing Jor-el and Zod just to have some kind of exciting ending plot point. You do know you could have just left the issue with the explanation of H'el, right? You didn't need to fuck it all up by continuing with your stupid time travel fucked up bullshit. God damn you, Scott Lobdell. You never know when to stop, do you?!

The Secret Society of Super-Villains! (as seen in Forever Evil #1)

Angle Man, Bizarro, Blockbuster, Brain Wave, Captain Boomerang, Captain Cold, Captain Stingaree, Cheetah, Chronos, Copper Head, Felix Faust, Floronic Man, Funky Flashman, Grodd, Hi-Jack, Killer Frost, Killer Moth, Lex Luthor, Manhunter, Matter Master, Mirror Master, Mist, Monocle, Poison Ivy, Psycho-Pirate, Quakemaster, Rag Doll, Reverse-Flash, Shadow Thief, Sinestro, Silver Ghost, Signalman, Star Sapphire, Trickster, Ultra-Humanite, and Wizard

HISTORY
An organization that has gone through a number of incarnations, the overall roster of the Secret Society of Super-Villains reads like a Who's Who of the super-criminal world.

Originally formed by Darkseid (see Darkseid) to pave his way for a takeover of Earth, a clone of Manhunter (see Manhunter) gathered Captain Cold, Mirror Master, Gorilla Grodd, Sinestro, Copperhead [Come on, editors! Is there a space in his name or not?], Shadow-Thief [Come on, editors! Is there a dash in his name or not?], Captain Boomerang, the Wizard (see individual listings) and Hi-Jack [See The Royal Flush Gang, presumably.] to become a team that would rid Earth of its super-heroes. The group eventually rebelled against Darkseid and his minions, preferring to rule the Earth themselves [Because at that point, it would be a simple trifle to figure out which villain would lead the rulers, right?] if and when they accomplished their purpose.

Upon the seeming demise of Darkseid and the end of his scheme, the group was taken over by Funky Flashman (see Funky Flashman), who sold them on the idea that with the right publicity, the could go about their business without interference. ["Don't worry about us robbing the bank, love. Don't you recognize us from our commercials and billboards? We're the Recently Gone Public Society of Super-Villains! At your service!"] He recruited a number of super-villains, including Captain Stingaree, Mirror Master, Felix Faust, and The Trickster (see individual listings) to carry out various plans [Too various to describe here. But, man, were they various!]. He also withstood an attempt by Lex Luthor (see Luthor II) to take over the organization [I assume he also withstood attempts to take over by Captain Boomerang, Captain Cold, Captain Stingaree, Copper Head, Felix Faust, Hi-Jack, Manhunter, Matter Master, Mirror Master, Shadow Thief, Sinestro, and Trickster as well!].

Gorilla Grodd was the next one to gain control of the Society, albeit briefly. He recruited Angle Man, Bizarro, Sinestro, Star Sapphire, and Poison Ivy (see individual listings) in an attempt to destroy the Justice League (see JLA)....that failed [Too many dots in that particular ellipsis, sirs!].

When Funky Flashman attempted to reorganize the group, he found himself deposed by the Wizard, who had acquired new powers [Like Fireball and Lightning Bolt? How fucked up was it in Dungeons and Dragons that the two best area of effect spells were in the same fucking level? Dicks.]. The Wizard formed a core group of the Floronic Man, Blockbuster, Reverse-Flash, and Star Sapphire (see individual listings) and took them to Earth-2 to battle the Justice Society (see JSA). In the process, he involved them in a battle with the Crime Syndicate of America of Earth-3 (see Crime Syndicate of America). Meanwhile, on Earth-1, Mirror Master called together another team of villains at the request of Silver Ghost (see Silver Ghost) with the purpose of killing the members of the Freedom Fighters (see Freedom Fighters). This team included Copperhead, Sizematic, Quakemaster, Chronos, and Killer Moth (see individual listings [I'm fairly certain there is no listing for "Sizematic"!]).

During this early part of the group's activity [This was ALL early?], it was first infiltrated and then constantly battled by Captain Comet (see Captain Comet), and it is he who must be credited for more than one defeat of the Society [Really? Must he? Fine.].

One last incarnation of the Society was seen, formed by the Ultra-Humanite (see Ultra-Humanite), in an attempt to rid Earth-2 of all super-heroes. He recruited Killer Frost, Signal Man, Floronic Man, Cheetah, Psycho-Pirate, the Monocle, the Mist, Rag Doll, and Brainwave [Come on, editors! Is there a space in his name or not?] (see individual listings) to battle ten specific heroes on Earths 1 and 2 and banish them to limbo. The Earth-1 villains, realizing they had been duped, decided to get even with the Ultra-Humanite, involving other members of the Justice League in the case. The combined forces of the Justice League and the Justice Society defeated this latest cabal of villains and banished them all to limbo.

At some unrecorded time, the villains, with the sole exception of Brainwave, escaped from limbo and many of them became involved in the so-called crisis on infinite earths [What the fuck? Was it or was it not the crisis on infinite earths? Fucking editors.].

First Appearance: SECRET SOCIETY OF SUPER-VILLAINS #1