The Authority #28 (April 2002)

You're not allowed to show one naked penis on a comic book cover. But if it's a bundle of three or four dozen? No problem!

I'm beginning to think that Frank Quitely quitting this comic over a better job offer wasn't the reason the comic book was delayed for four months. Once Tom Peyer and Dustin Nguyen took over, it came out every month for four months straight. But then when Millar came back? It was two months before the 2nd part of "Brave New World" (nine full months after Part One!) was published. And now the 3rd part just took 3 more months after that. It's been a full year and Millar has only put out three issues of his four issue story arc. I think I might know why this comic book was cancelled after part four! Garth Ennis was scheduled to take over after Millar's run but he probably got sick of waiting and moved on to other comics.

Last issue, we got a glimpse of Rush's ass. This issue, I'm hoping for half a labia!

This issue begins with The Surgeon putting all of the world's Gods to the firing squad while introducing a new God for the pop culture oriented man: Religimon.

These are the Gods after editorial got through with them: Gandalf, Mr. Spock, Doctor Who, and, um, Scarlet Witch?

The main feature of Religimon is that the G7 nations of the world own the rights to the new religious imagery (which, I'm assuming, is composed of hundreds of cute and various other Gods. Gotta worship 'em all!) so I can seen how it wouldn't seem weird to have them killing the other pop culture heroes which Religimon will replace. But apparently the soldiers were supposed to be killing Jesus and Mohammad and Buddha and Yahweh which makes more sense, especially considering this soldier that interrupts The Surgeon during his introduction of Religimon.

I think to fully kill Jesus, you have to consume him before he resurrects. Like a troll in Nethack.

Back on The Carrier, the readers learn that Colonel not only has a shit fetish but he's a rapist as well. It's not surprising being that Mark Millar hadn't explored every corner of degeneracy yet.

Um, no?

Turned on by all the megalosalmon shit splashing across The Carrier's windshield, Colonel does a sex attack on Rush. By that I mean he throws a soccer ball at her face and then threatens to electrocute her when she calls him a lunatic. If he's this out of his mind from horniness by seeing some fish shit, what happens when the Colonel lifts the lid on an unflushed toilet? Does he instantly jizz himself? Does he fuck whatever's nearby, like the drain in the sink or a toilet roll tube? Does it matter since he's going to be dead by the end of next issue, if not this one?

The Surgeon interrupts to let Colonel know that something terrible has happened on the ship: Street has been run over by a pizza delivery motorcycle.

I should stop reading so I always remember Rush like this, adorable with everything still intact.

I don't know how Street was killed by being run over by a motorbike that's mostly moped. I guess if Midnighter is riding it, it becomes more deadly than usual.

Last Call checks on The Carrier's caged baby universe in the Engine Room because Machine felt a disturbance in the whatever. He doesn't notice Jenny Quantum sitting beneath it manipulating it to her will. I guess that means Jenny Quantum can render herself invisible to homophobes.

If at any time during the year long wait for this story to continue, readers were thinking, "I hope when the story comes back, it'll have more attempted rape than normal," they were in luck! Because the next scene has Teuton telling Apollo he was always interested in fucking guys but didn't want word getting around. So now he's got a gay guy tied up and helpless who will be dead soon and so won't tell anybody that Teuton fucked him!

Luckily for Teuton, the good guys don't fuck the holes they make in the bad guys' heads. Even with Millar writing.

The rest of New Authority hold a meeting to figure out who's going to battle Midnighter. If I were them, I'd lock myself in some out of the way storage closet and just wait for Seth to beam aboard and take care of him.

Seth appears before any of them can find a closet to hide in which saves some of their dignity. Luckily, they don't have to pretend they want to fight Midnighter because Seth has four dozen raging hard-ons throbbing at the prospect of finally killing Midnighter. Too bad Midnighter finds them before Seth finds him.

Noooooo! RUSH! Um, I think?

I think the lone feather and possibly some blood stains indicate that Rush was strung up by Midnighter when the lights went out the first time. Then The Surgeon was shot and/or stabbed through the chest. Elsewhere on The Carrier, Apollo blew Last Call's head off. So now it's just Machine, Colonel, and Seth left to fight.

Colonel gets taken out in two panels just like everybody else. New Authority put up nearly zero fight, as expected. Hopefully Seth will put up more of a fight.

Why's the focal point always gotta be Seth's multiple dicks?

Apollo kills Machine while Seth tears out one of Midnighter's hearts (yeah, yeah. Apparently he has a back-up). Now it's just Apollo, Jenny, and Seth facing off at the end of reality (because The Bleed is hemorrhaging).

The bigwigs have a meeting while Swift waits on them in her underwear. They discuss how Seth needs to be terminated now that he's taken care of The Authority (um, what? He hasn't even!) and, right there in front of Swift, they mention how Seth has a kill switch! That makes sense because Swift always has to prove her worth in the smallest way possible every story arc. In this one, she gets to find out the means to kill Seth! Unless the means to kill Seth will just be Seth finding out the government's going to terminate him and Swift asking Seth to join them like she asked Doctor Krigstein. That would be really fucking disappointing though.

The Authority #28 Rating: B. Too many New Authority members died too quickly. It wasn't any fun! Now I suspect the battle against Seth next issue will be just as anti-climactic. I think maybe Millar was either getting bored by this point or super annoyed at editorial putting a stop to his super edgelord shit. Whatever the case, Arthur Adams doesn't even make it to next issue! They laid part of the blame for the delay on waiting for Arthur Adams to finish a job and catch up on the script and then he only hangs around for two issues anyway! Christ, what the fuck was going on at Wildstrom in 2001?!