The Authority #27 (January 2002)

Millar's note to Arthur Adams on this issue's cover: "Have you ever heard the term 'gay-bashing'?"

Don't accuse me of being the insensitive one! Wait until you see why Apollo's had the shit beaten out of him here! Just you wait! Remember, Mark Millar wrote the script, not me! Stop telling the messenger to KYS already! It's really taking a toll on my psyche and my ability to keep writing edgelord blog entries!

This issue begins by asking the question, "Is it possible to crush on Rush even harder than you already are?"

The answer, according to the noise that came out of my body when I turned to the first page, is, "Unnhhhohohunh."

New Authority are flying into Qatar where a huge post-human battle rages. It might be the first double-page splash in the history of this series that warranted a double page splash. Usually it's just a large picture of The Carrier, or a bunch of ships zipping across the page. But this splash reminds me of the best of Sergio Aragonés' work. I'm not going to scan the entire thing but I should probably scan my favorite bits of it. Starting with this surprise pick:

My girlfriend!


Gigantitty-fuck!


The Engulfer!


The Bizarro Twins!


Punisherine? The Wolfisher?

I almost just scanned Rush and then a bunch of close-ups of Rush's body. I mean I did do that but then I saved them to my secret folder and scanned these other weird heroes to cover my tracks.

The characters attacking Qatar are Wildstorm's version of the Team Titans. They're from the 27th Century and they've come back to punch the people in the face responsible for their ecological apocalypse. Ha ha! That's pretty funny. Millar thought it would take 600 years for an ecological apocalypse to take place? Ha ha ha!

New Authority murders the future teens in the amount of panels it takes to give a short description of every member of New Authority. What did the future teens think they were going to accomplish? Since the ecological disaster in the 27th Century happened, they obviously didn't complete their mission back in time. Fucking idiots! Don't they get how time works?!

I would love to be dropped into helicopter rotors by Rush.

Why is Rush so adorable and I find Swift as appealing as a blank white sheet of A1? I bet it's because she's Canadian! One of my first huge celebrity crushes was Stacy Mistysyn, Caitlin Ryan from Degrassi Junior High. It can't possibly just be the overalls as I surmised before, can it? Am I actually just in love with overalls?

Oh shit! I almost forgot Millar was back! Decapitation Count: 13!

I just spent the last four issues complaining that I was never going to get a shot of Rush coming out of the shower because this comic book wasn't being drawn by David Finch or Tony Daniels. Well, it seems I can add Arthur Adams to the list of artists who mandate at least one coming out of the shower scene in every comic book they draw.

At least I can rule out that it's only about the overalls now.

New Authority throw a quick meeting to analyze the state of the world. Everything's cool except that Midnighter tore a hole in The Bleed when he flew a plane into some critical part of The Carrier and crashed it. Machine says something about every other reality in existence (so infinite alternate realities?) are coming for their Earth. It's not explained better than that and I don't have the brain power to spend on it because Rush decides to disrobe in the middle of the Map Room.

What the fuck is she doing? Not that I'm displeased!

This issue, Mark Millar gave a little bit of background to the various members of New Authority. We found out Rush is a Canadian singer/songwriter. And Colonel is a football star from the United Kingdom. He may, in fact, be a quite famous footballer.

I know I usually scan these for the half-naked women but pay attention to their convo! Colonel is David Beckham!

Meanwhile, Last Call works out by using Apollo as a living body bag. Yes, Seth failed to kill Apollo! I imagine he failed to kill every single member of The Authority who he was rewarded for killing a few issues ago. I feel like treating Apollo this way will be bad for Last Call's health in the long run. But he doesn't think that because he's a fucking idiot. Last Call blabs to Apollo that the other members of The Authority, except Midnighter, are not dead and they were never meant to be killed. You know Apollo's not sad about hearing that. Of course Midnighter would want them to think he was dead! That's how he's going to save the day!

Swift's mind has been wiped and she's now living a domestic life as the wife of a gigantic asshole. The Doctor's powers were stolen by The Surgeon who keeps The Doctor in his pocket as a little action figure. The Engineer's also going to have her mind wiped soon so that she thinks she's the mother of a bunch of shitty children with an abusive husband.

This is the trouble with evil villains. They always need to keep the heroes alive to satisfy the sadist inside of them.

Oh but wait! There's somebody in the organization who thinks differently! This guy and Seth watch footage of Jack Hawksmoor whose mental capacity has been diminished so that he can't access his super powers. He now begs on the streets for beer money. And this guy is disturbed by the way management didn't just kill The Authority.

I don't give a shit about this guy but at least he understands what would have kept them from all being killed in two issues.

Meanwhile in the sewers of New York, Midnighter and Jenny Quantum plan to murder one fucking hillbilly with six hundred dicks. No, seriously. He's got like six hundred dicks.

The Authority #27 Rating: A. The build up is fantastic! I can't wait for Midnighter to murder them all in terribly gruesome and visually horrific ways! Also Rush got fucking naked in this issue! She was all, "Hey, Machine, now that the guys are leaving, will you look at my vulva?" And Machine was all, "Wa-OOOOOOGA!" I don't know what happened after that. At least not in canon. I know what happened in head canon though and it's incredible! But if you think I'm going to describe it to you, then, like the Japanese bouncer told me after inviting me into an ichya-kyabakura and he asking me if I speak Japanese which I said no to, "Too bad for you!" Man, that was simile was a fucking mess!