San Francisco must be so soaked in LSD-tainted piss that The City itself might be hallucinating the knight.
This issue is labeled #1 but it's not the first issue. In the first issue, Urban Decree, we met a guy with a big mouth named Anton, a woman with big nipples named Venus, a crime lord with big aspirations named The Pope, a medieval knight with a big lance, and two twin brothers who fuck each other on stage for money. I'm assuming they have big pricks but it wasn't revealed so I didn't want to assume it by mentioning them in a statement that was just pure fact. Now I'm wondering if the preponderance of male twins compare their penises? You'd have to, right? Also, I'd be all, "I wonder what my butthole looks like? Get over here, bro!" Except I'd say it in our secret language and be all, "Chicka, chickabee, tay an may sees feliss, no tata!"
I forgot to introduce Anton Marx's Robin to his Howard Stern, April. She's a smart-ass lesbian who's contractually obligated to tell Marx, "You're never wrong," at least five times an hour. I almost introduced her last issue when she grabbed her tits and licked her lips but I thought, "It would be disrespectful to the lesbian community to rub my male gaze all over their bodies." You're welcome, lesbian community! I'm such a staunch ally!
If I don't get a GLAAD award for my self-control, I'll probably turn into a right-wing Nazi Comicsgater making YouTube videos where I interview Ethan Van Sciver about his stupid frog comic book that I have to love because it's the only comic book left that allows boobs. I mean, it doesn't but if my brain has gone right-wing, I'm going believe a lot of really stupid and untrue things.
I forgot to introduce Anton Marx's Robin to his Howard Stern, April. She's a smart-ass lesbian who's contractually obligated to tell Marx, "You're never wrong," at least five times an hour. I almost introduced her last issue when she grabbed her tits and licked her lips but I thought, "It would be disrespectful to the lesbian community to rub my male gaze all over their bodies." You're welcome, lesbian community! I'm such a staunch ally!
If I don't get a GLAAD award for my self-control, I'll probably turn into a right-wing Nazi Comicsgater making YouTube videos where I interview Ethan Van Sciver about his stupid frog comic book that I have to love because it's the only comic book left that allows boobs. I mean, it doesn't but if my brain has gone right-wing, I'm going believe a lot of really stupid and untrue things.
Which Santana song was this lyric from?
According to last issue and this issue, the first page will always contain a song lyric. Urban Decree's lyric was from some band named Goethe. I didn't think it was important because I'm reading a comic book and large chunks of text without colorful images surrounding them barely register on my brain anymore.
The issue really begins on the next page where hyper-violence occurs amid brightly colored panels full of exaggerated physiques. You know, nobody likes to admit it but Fredric Wertham was right. Comic books are totally full of all the horrible shit he said they were full of. But he was wrong in thinking it causes children to become juvenile delinquents. It caused them to love comic books and get lost in stories and feel the kinds of feelings a kid can only feel when reading horror stories and romance stories because life is mostly fucking boring. But who knew that Fredric Wertham would be right about comic book readers becoming scourges on society in the modern era when they began to realize that they were the baddies that super heroes were battling against. Instead of thinking, "Shit. Superman would totally lecture me about the way I'm behaving! Maybe I should look inward and change myself?", they responded by saying, "Hitler was right! How quickly can I order a Klan hood on Amazon?!"
The issue really begins on the next page where hyper-violence occurs amid brightly colored panels full of exaggerated physiques. You know, nobody likes to admit it but Fredric Wertham was right. Comic books are totally full of all the horrible shit he said they were full of. But he was wrong in thinking it causes children to become juvenile delinquents. It caused them to love comic books and get lost in stories and feel the kinds of feelings a kid can only feel when reading horror stories and romance stories because life is mostly fucking boring. But who knew that Fredric Wertham would be right about comic book readers becoming scourges on society in the modern era when they began to realize that they were the baddies that super heroes were battling against. Instead of thinking, "Shit. Superman would totally lecture me about the way I'm behaving! Maybe I should look inward and change myself?", they responded by saying, "Hitler was right! How quickly can I order a Klan hood on Amazon?!"
Let me guess! The knight is going to say, "Pisser sur celui qui fait pisser," before stabbing him in the kidneys!
The knight cuts the man's arm off and that's the grisly end of the scene because the boy telling the story to Detective Petronas (I forgot to mention meeting him! He's a detective with a big fat Greek toxic masculinity!) ran away at that point and doesn't know what happened. Detective Petronas, having heard so many stories about the knight lately, and investigated so many crime scenes where people were cut up by a sword, argues that because he's seen and heard so much evidence and eye witness testimony, the stories must be false. Yeah, that checks out. That sounds like typical police work.
Scene cuts to Venus at work telling coworker Patsy or Patty or something, one of the few people in her life who knows Venus is dating Anton Marx, about her wonderful relationship with the biggest creep in the city (after Detective Petronas and maybe The Pope and probably the Knight). It seems Anton is not good at conversation, not good at making her feel welcome in his home, not good at sex, and not good at sharing the covers. Either he's good at some secret something or I'm suspecting that Venus kind of hates herself.
Scene cuts to Venus at work telling coworker Patsy or Patty or something, one of the few people in her life who knows Venus is dating Anton Marx, about her wonderful relationship with the biggest creep in the city (after Detective Petronas and maybe The Pope and probably the Knight). It seems Anton is not good at conversation, not good at making her feel welcome in his home, not good at sex, and not good at sharing the covers. Either he's good at some secret something or I'm suspecting that Venus kind of hates herself.
Hey! I used to watch Creatures Features on KTVU channel 2 growing up! Which isn't cable, by the way. And I thought Venus was good at researching things!
Venus learns from coworker What's-her-name that their newspaper's going all-in on the Knight of San Francisco story. They're apparently just learning what the Weekly World News knew for years before anybody: clickbait sells like heroin-flavored hotcakes! Venus's coworker needs help researching orders of knights to fact check all the editorials being sent in by crackpots and people who think their views of reality are somehow better than other peoples when they're almost blatantly the opposite (which is why they drive so much traffic to the papers because people love to call other people stupid! Especially when the editorial writers really are as stupid as the people calling them stupid say they are). Apparently Venus has plenty of time to do research for Patsty because Venus's only job is researching Anton Marx's column which she won't get from him until the end of the day.
Over his radio show that morning, Anton Marx reveals that Tony Quetone (now Tony Cutone for some reason) was gunned down by The Pope's men. But then the Pope's men were killed by somebody with hand-to-hand weapons. But he won't reveal what he thinks that means because saying it over the radio doesn't earn him any extra cash. He's going to write his theories in his column for the masses high on knightmania to read. Detective Petronas calls into the radio show for some reason, acting concerned that Anton is revealing things to the public that the cops didn't want revealed without realizing that calling in to argue with Anton simply confirms what Anton's saying. As we've seen, he's not a great detective. Another thing Anton doesn't reveal: who gave him this information. Venus was a witness to the whole thing but I don't think she told him.
Meanwhile The Pope does more killing and crime while ignoring the possibility of the knight's actual existence.
Over his radio show that morning, Anton Marx reveals that Tony Quetone (now Tony Cutone for some reason) was gunned down by The Pope's men. But then the Pope's men were killed by somebody with hand-to-hand weapons. But he won't reveal what he thinks that means because saying it over the radio doesn't earn him any extra cash. He's going to write his theories in his column for the masses high on knightmania to read. Detective Petronas calls into the radio show for some reason, acting concerned that Anton is revealing things to the public that the cops didn't want revealed without realizing that calling in to argue with Anton simply confirms what Anton's saying. As we've seen, he's not a great detective. Another thing Anton doesn't reveal: who gave him this information. Venus was a witness to the whole thing but I don't think she told him.
Meanwhile The Pope does more killing and crime while ignoring the possibility of the knight's actual existence.
Oh, Anton's circle jerk of friends meetings are to bounce ideas off of each other and get their critiques of his columns.
Anton believes the knight is bullshit. But Anton strikes me as the sort of blowhard who thinks believing the opposite of what the masses thinks constitutes intelligence. If the city wasn't so excited about the possibility of some vigilante knight roaming the streets at night butchering evaduhs (sorry! my twin language sometimes comes back to haunt me) and they thought it was all nonsense, he'd be proclaiming the knight was real and declaring he lives in the sewers! In other words, he'd be spot on.
Anton doesn't respect the opinions of any of his artist buddies. But some normie named Jasper also hangs out at the coffee shop so he asks his opinion.
Anton doesn't respect the opinions of any of his artist buddies. But some normie named Jasper also hangs out at the coffee shop so he asks his opinion.
I know after that lead in that I should have just scanned the last three panels but then nobody would see the glory of the twin fuck brothers.
Anton couldn't see what Jasper easily noticed about him because Anton jerks off over his own opinions. Changing his opinion to be more popular rather than screaming his opinion so loudly that his rabid listeners believe it wholeheartedly? What a concept!
Being that this series is called The Crusades, and Venus is a researcher, it's inevitable that Venus will let us, the ignorant readers, in on some history of them good ol' crusades.
Being that this series is called The Crusades, and Venus is a researcher, it's inevitable that Venus will let us, the ignorant readers, in on some history of them good ol' crusades.
The problem with conservatives and the religious is that they never have interesting enough lives to not do whatever stupid shit the leaders of their ideologies suggest.
Anton titles his column, "The Knight: I Know Who He Is!" He explains his plan to Venus before boring her, watching television she hates, fucks her selfishly, and steals the blankets.
What?! I have to let my male gaze off its leash occasionally!
Walking off her frustration, Venus winds up, yet again, stumbling onto a gangland murder. Oh that crazy woman! How does she do it?! The Pope's men have strung up some kid and are gutting him on the site of an indigenous casino's construction site. That's where the comic book ends because it would be too exciting to get the knight twice in one issue! He'll kill those men in front of her next issue. Maybe he'll start following her around the city seeing as how she's so good at stumbling upon murders?
The Crusades #1 Rating: B. It's keeping my interest! So some of the characters might be shallow archetypes. And some of the characters might simply exist for the shock level to rise to Vertigo standards. But there's a medieval knight murdering people around San Francisco and nobody knows why or how?! So exciting! Maybe we'll eventually learn who he is and why he's doing it in issue #14!
The Crusades #1 Rating: B. It's keeping my interest! So some of the characters might be shallow archetypes. And some of the characters might simply exist for the shock level to rise to Vertigo standards. But there's a medieval knight murdering people around San Francisco and nobody knows why or how?! So exciting! Maybe we'll eventually learn who he is and why he's doing it in issue #14!
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