The Crusades #7 (November 2001)

Another great cover! This one by Teddy Kristiansen, artist on Seagle's House of Secrets.

This series is fucking killing it on the covers. It feels like everybody was queuing up to get a chance at working on this book. It feels like maybe Vertigo had a far looser style that let artists get way more imaginative than the regular DC Universe covers. This doesn't usually feel like it but I believe it's supposed to be an urban horror book. It wasn't really until this cover that I felt that vibe.

The lyric that begins this month's comic is by a band called Nietzsche.

I'm not sure this is true but he expresses it so authoritatively that I can't help think, "What the fuck do I know?"

I suppose Nietzsche means that what raises our ire when he witness suffering is that the conditions under which most people suffer aren't senseless in the overall arc of the moral universe (or maybe he is?! I suppose one gets angry and screams at the stars when one finds their life has taken some tragic turn, no need to blame anybody expressly to be angry that this universe wasn't one that formed with all soft edges and kittens) but senseless in that the suffering people see is the kind that could be ameliorated by a more just populace and civilization. Why do people have to go without when there is actually plenty to go around? It's senseless that some should have so much extra while others have nearly nothing. And society doesn't form in ways that buoy everyone; they're formed by expressing opinions that people must earn the very basics of life in ways that aren't natural but society pretends are. Tradition, law, and societal convention are all just lies forming the fabric of some agreed upon list of ways to act. When somebody goes against these things, people see them as having stopped earning their right to the things civilization and society provide. They are left to suffer because they are no longer earning their way, however that manifests in the current age and mores. What Nietzsche is saying is that we don't get angry at the starvation; we get angry at the people senselessly hoarding food they do not need, at the cops keeping hungry people away from garbage bins where food has been thrown out, at those who would rather let fruit rot on the ground than allow the hungry to feed for free.

Or maybe he means something totally different. When's the last time I mentioned how stupid I am? Oh, you probably already realized that because I'm reading comic books.

So what's this got to do with this issue? I don't know! It would make more sense if I thought about the lyric after I read the stupid comic book!

Oh shiz! I forgot about poor Sara! I'm so mad at the senselessness of her suffering!

The knight, once again, doesn't murder the Russians but pretty much kills a bystander. It's gang warfare medieval style! The faux knight's whole point is to scare the Russians and get them to back off The Pope's territory. So he's not willing to kill the goons; he just wants to give them a message to send to the Russian gang leader, Bocc, while roughing them up quite a bit. But poor Sara suffers horribly by being dragged behind the cable car. The police get there just as the knight rides off. They find Sara one gigantic skinned everything unconscious behind the cable car.

While Sara's being dragged to her near death, Venus and Anton fuck. After they fuck, they discuss the Praying Mantis. Venus knows a lot about a lot of stuff so I think she's not just referencing how sometimes the female will cannibalize the male after procreating; she's also referencing that the longer the male remains copulating, the less chance he has of being eaten. She's fucking warning Anton that he'd better make her come or watch out!

I can't scan any of the scenes between Anton and Venus because they're all so naked and my blog is going to become Adults Only if I keep scanning naked panels every chance I get. But believe me, they're pretty racy! Whoo boy! So hot!

Oh no! Venus may start equating "having sex" with "my friend gets hauled under a trolley and nearly decapitated!"

Selfishly, I still want to see Venus have sex with Anton because it's so fucking hot! But if she does become too traumatized to have sex with Anton for the rest of the series, I'd be pretty happy about that too. That guy fucking sucks.

Detective Petronas finds out the knight was after Russian crime boss, Bocc, by scaring one of the two Russians attacked by the knight to death. It's supposed to be a pretty tense scene but it's opposite a page that kept distracting me.

You can bet I rushed through the hospital scene to get a gander at this page!

I'm not horny! You're horny!

I love when the kids criticize each other for being horny on main. As if there's any other place to be horny! Let your horndog flag fly! We're fleshy, lustful, sexual beasts! Express your wanton desires and major kinks! Unless your kink is disgusting and then nobody wants to hear about it. I'm not going to mention any of those because I don't want to kink shame people into missionary. Fucking weirdos.

The next day, the knight attacks more Russians on BART.

This fucking knight ain't got no chill.

It's about time the real knight got off his ass and made an appearance. His horse must be well rested and freshly watered. The blood's been washed off his armor. Some evildoer's making him look bad on the streets above since he's now gotten at least three innocents killed or nearly killed. The real knight will probably show up at the end of this issue. You can't leave the readers without the real knight for this long.


The Pope basically tells Father Trinidad that he's paying some guy to be the knight for him. He mistakenly thinks that means he's off the hook and has no more sins to confess. Father Trinidad is all, "Um, dude. Everything is a fucking sin. You accidentally glance at a choir boy's ass, that's a sin. You casually think about your mother while you're pissing, that's a sin. You make a jerk off motion every time you pass by a homeless guy, that's a sin. You hire a man to go around in armor killing innocents and threatening Russians, you'd better fucking believe that's a sin too." So The Pope is all, "Oh shit! Okay! I got some confessing to do then, if you put it that way."

Look at all the missing body parts! Phillip is to Seagle as Herr Starr was to Ennis.

The Russians, being driven off of Tony Cutone's old territory by The Pope's knight, decide to give up on it. Instead, they decide to take The Pope's territory figuring it'll be easier than dealing with that knight. Ha ha! Stupid The Pope! He fucked himself good!

Venus continues to search for the knight, heading out into the park area of the Presidio to an old stable. While sneaking around it, she's grabbed from behind by somebody with a big glove on their hand! It could be a gauntlet but it's probably a gardener's glove. Or a hawker's glove!

The book ends revealing that The Pope has been driving the guy in armor and his horse around town in a moving van. I guess the big confrontation between the knights will have to wait until next issue.

The Crusades #7 Rating: B+. The faux knight sucks. He keeps hurting innocents and making them suffer senselessly. It's really causing me some severe indignation! I can't wait for the other guy to come back because his murder feels way more black and white. What's he waiting for? Pope John Paul II to give him the go ahead?! Start cracking criminal skulls, you lazy bastard!