The Crusades #9 (January 2002)

This could have been a Doom Patrol cover.

You know how in the Doom Patrol television series, Cliff kept an over mitt on his hand so that he wouldn't feel anything with his finger which was the one part of him that could suddenly feel as if it were human because he was saving that experience for when he first got to hold his grandson? Yeah, lame. I would have been finger blasting buttholes like crazy with that finger.

But enough about me and the places my finger has been! Let's read about boring knights running around boring San Francisco boringly murdering boring crime lords without a single exciting finger blast in the whole thing. Unless . . . no, no. No way Anton puts any effort into sex with Venus other than shoving his P-twanger directly into her lady hole until he spurts Twinkie paste.

Time for some sage advice from a classic rock lyric to start us off!

So? The fast might actually get to the butthole finger blast party despite a few skinned knees. The stupid wise jerks will be too old to enjoy it what with all their wise arthritis and unskinned knees.

Which one of Shakespeare's albums do you think that quote was from? I'm going to guess Macbeth. If it was one of his histories, then I had zero chance of getting it right anyway. I'm not even going to look it up. I don't care! I'm too busy stumbling to the next stink orgy!

This issue begins with The Pope admiring the horse of his Faux Knight (is that a Magic the Gathering card? I totally wouldn't know because only geeks with clean smelling fingers play that game) while poor Philip stands nearby shitting his pants. Philip's the guy who has lost an ear, hand, and leg to the real knight. He should be nervous because he still has an ear, a hand, two arms, a leg, two eyes, a nose, his penis, his testicles, and his head to lose.

Does anybody else really, really, really feel like playing some Risk right now?

Anton Marx decides to do his radio show on the streets so he can interview everyday citizens of The City about their feelings concerning the knight. Isn't that a job for Baba Booey? Doesn't Anton have a Baba Booey? I never understand why news organizations do people on the street interviews because the kind of people who would stop to do a people on the street interview don't have any facts about anything and all of their opinions are barely thought out delusions poorly perceived interpretations of reality. At best! Whenever the local news winds up in my neighborhood and I have to walk through whatever the fuck they're shooting on my way to the store or a finger blasting butthole party, I always chant, "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK," so that they can't put my image on television.

Last issue, since Sara was dragged behind a cable car for a thousand meters, Venus's old boss, Patricia, offered her a second chance at her job after firing her just a day or two previously. Venus agrees but on one condition: she gets to treat Patricia like the gigantic asshole she is. Patricia didn't actually agree to that part; Venus just took it upon herself to add it to her job description.

I've never had the opportunity to yell at a boss like this because I never lasted long enough under a shitty boss to get this angry. I just fucking quit.

I once had a manager cry during my performance review because I wasn't being her friend. Her review was basically I was doing an outstanding job but she couldn't recommend me for a raise because I was a big meany jerk who didn't kiss her sweat-pants wearing ass. I chose not to complain to Human Resources because her sister was head of Human Resources. I just made a mental note to quit when I get a chance. That chance basically came when a woman I was training didn't show up for work the day before Thanksgiving and my manager, Barb, was pretty angry about it. After lunch, she and her sister were crying at her desk, having discovered that the woman I'd been training died from carbon monoxide poisoning the night before. My brain was all, "Fuck this. I am not dying while at this job!"

I'm also beginning to suspect that Venus has exactly one top and it's not exactly appropriate for work. I mean, if I were a boss, I'd be all, "That's too much fabric! Go home and get changed, young lady!" But what do I know? Maybe Venus is like me and she just wears what she wants to wear at work to the job interview. If she gets the job, she figures her outfit was good enough for the daily routine. Of course in that last job I was talking about, my jeans and a shirt interview casual were trumped by Barb's sweat pants and pajama top. As soon as I walked in and saw her, I was all, "Cha-ching! I got this!"

While storming out of Patricia's office, Venus runs into the guy from the Chronicle who offered her a job in an earlier issue. He's still offering her that job but he also offers her his penis in the same exchange. Where's a butterfly I can reach out to so I can say, "Is this unprofessional?"

Bocc and the Russians, having seen the knight unloaded on The Pope's property, decide to go after him directly.

Weird how bosses are often portrayed as huge assholes, right?

Finally having options in her career and her sex life, Venus takes complete control of her life. She's screamed at Patricia and now she goes to let Anton know that something's got to change or she's gonna wind up getting some Chronicle dick. She demands to see him at her place at the same time Christine from Channel 3 has demanded Anton show up to reward her with terrible sex for airing his tape. Part of me wants him to go to Christine's so Venus will, hopefully, break it off with his sorry ass. But the other part of me wants him to skip on Christine so that she destroys his career! Both choices, Anton gets fucked in some way. Why can't he get fucked two ways?! Oh! Maybe the knight will cut off his head so that he misses both meetings, thus losing Venus and his career. Oh! And his head! Best option!

To get the job at the Chronicle, Venus needs a sample story. She's been working on outing the knight so she decides to continue with that. She goes back to Underground San Francisco to investigate the knight and the blind girl. While searching the ruins, she comes across a burly bald man watching sports on television. So all the torches are just for effect? They've got electricity down in that hole?

How is this guy more interesting than a medieval knight and the blind girl he keeps in a cage?!

Venus still has her sights set on a story about the knight. She's just making this guy comfortable so he'll spill all he knows about the knight. Which doesn't take long as he explains everybody living in this old city have seen him. They simply steer clear of him because he's fucking nuts.

Bocc and his men attack The Pope and come face to face with the Faux Knight. The media catch wind of the battle and get the Faux Knight on camera for the entirety of San Francisco to see. At the same time, the real knight drops in on burly bald man looking for an intruder in the tunnels. Venus remains hidden but gets to see and hear him up close.

Is that the face women make when they're creaming their jeans?

The Crusades #9 Rating: A-. I have a soft spot in my heart for the phrase "creaming" in the context of a woman becoming aroused. Obviously as a young child watching Grease, I would have no context for what "The chicks will cream" could even mean. It just meant they'd be all happy or excited about a car or something! So one time at a family function, I sang the line in earshot of my mother and she snapped, "Don't say that. That's gross!" That was the first indication to me that it was dirty but I still had no idea how a chick could cream or what it could possibly mean! Could guys cream? What was so gross about it?! Did it have something to do with breast milk?! My mind went crazy trying to work on the problem without realizing I just didn't have enough context to ever figure it out. I still don't know how chicks cream! Could somebody explain it to me over a voice mail? Preferably a woman. And slowly!