Green Lantern #32 (Early November 1992)

Oh, I know the 3rd Law! It's "If it's your first time in Green Lantern Corps, you have to Green Lantern."

Oh no. Tim Hamilton has been given the art duties! Remember a few issues ago where I was pretending to be a legitimate reviewer who totally isn't just an online bully and I was all, "Tim Hamilton's art reminds me of that time Katie Couric got a colonoscopy on live television." I also might have said something like, "Based on this art, Tim Hamilton must have invaded Poland at least once." It's possible I even summed it all up with "Peeeeeee-yuke!" But that was a different me! A disrespectful me! A me that doesn't exist because I was actually quite tame about my criticism of his art! I even pussed out and offered some warm fuzzies about his New Yorker cartoon career! Man, I've really turned into a chump in my middle to middle-late middle age!

This issue begins with The Floronic Man being killed by the Kraken's dreadlocks. I would scan the image so you could see exactly what I mean but I think you've already imagined it because of my eloquent description. Unless you don't know who The Floronic Man is. Then I can't help you. Instead of scanning in something useful, I'm going to show you something you never wanted to see in your life.

I don't know what he's fucking but if I had to guess, based on his expression and earlier foreshadowing, I'd say a butthole made out of green light.

I'm sure most people who first read this comic book didn't base their guess on foreshadowing and simply based their guess on the following panel being placed directly in front of the previous panel:

I was going to say he was fucking The Floronic Man except I knew he wasn't because The Floronic Man is getting fucked by the Kraken's dreads.

From the first three pages of this comic book, I'd say Gerard Jones was sitting around flipping through whatever turned him on in 1992 (I'd guess Garfield comic strip collections but nobody gets arrested for loving those (for some reason)) and thought, "Hey! Green Lantern is green! And the Swamp Thing is like an elemental for The Green! There's probably something exciting there!" It's also possible that Gerard Jones asked Tim Hamilton what character he'd like to draw and Tim Hamilton, understanding his personal style all too well, responded, "The Floronic Man! It's why I draw every human to look just like him!"

I love that Tim Hamilton gave The Floronic Man wooden teeth. I get most Internet nerds would shove me in a locker for admitting that because it seems so fucking obvious. But I bet none of them ever thought about it before and then once they learned it, they just assumed they'd already knew that because it's so obvious and they have no ability to express how they didn't actually know something one time ever.

I'm going to scan some cheesecake panels of Hal Jordan and you're going to expect me to apologize to Tim Hamilton because badly drawn human beings don't usually make people warm in the crotch. And I would apologize but I'm getting lightheaded now that all my blood has moved to, um, other regions of my body.

It's probably Romeo Tanghal's inking that made Hal so hot here!

Here's something new I just learned: "KRIK" is the comic book sound effect for putting a middle-aged finger up your butthole!

How old is Hal Jordan? He must be in his 40s because I don't think you refer to being thirty when you're like thirty-three. Or even thirty-eight. Maybe thirty-nine. But that's actually forty. I think there's a mathematical proof that explains how that works, something along the lines of 39.99 repeating actually equals 40.

Hal Jordan puts on his Green Lantern kit and flies off to purchase a plane. Carol Ferris sits in bed in the motel room next door depressed because she's currently afraid to live her own life and waiting for Hal to start his and include her. Eventually she talks herself into getting the fuck out of bed and HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU CAN DRAW THIS KIND OF THING IN MAINSTREAM COMIC BOOKS?!

I hope nobody else in this house just heard that KRIK.

Carol looks at herself in the mirror after getting dressed and calls herself a dog. If she looks like a dog, I must be into bestiality. Hopefully when I write my first novel, nobody takes the second half of that previous sentence and quotes it out of context in their articles about me.

Anyway, Carol heads out to get a make-over. She claims she's not doing it for anybody else but I have an inkling that somebody named "Rose" might be behind it a little bit.

Meanwhile on Kroef's Island, Thomas Kalmaku, otherwise known horribly by his best friend Hal Jordan as "Pieface," suffers the same fate as The Floronic Man. So I was wrong about Gerard Jones' reasons for writing this story being a revelation during a shit while high on mushrooms causing him to think, "The Green. The Green Lantern. oh my fucking god". He's just decided that The New Guardians haven't really been utilized and maybe it's time to just destroy the entire project by having them eaten by Kraken Dreads.

Hal Jordan has a three point plan for his day when this issue begins:

1. Buy a plane.
2. Find Arisia.
3. Fuck Arisia.

Carol Ferris also has a three point plan for the day:

1. Stop looking like a dog.
2. Call Deathstroke the Terminator and give him Rose's name and location.
3. Fuck Hal Jordan.

If I were Carol and/or Arisia, my plan for the day would be "Avoid Hal Jordan like Tess avoids contact with their father."

Parts 2 and 3 of Hal's plan might not sound icky to you if you don't know Hal and Arisia's history. But don't worry! Hal clears that up for any readers who were all, "I hope Hal finds his ex and fucks her 'til she comes strawberries!"

"Don't publicize this, guys! I don't want anybody knowing what a huge sex pest I am!"

That ellipsis at the end of Hal's last statement means his thought continues in the next panel. Don't worry. He doesn't think, "That'll be so fucking hot!" But he does think, "That'll only complicate things for all of us." By "us," Hal means his brain and his dick, I think.

Don't worry! He hasn't found Arisia yet! He's talking about a plane! He just means the plane he's going to buy!

The New Guardians continue to be attacked by great big swathes of black tentacles. Tom survives with the help of Gloss. But after Harbinger drops by with The Floronic Man's head, she and Gloss are consumed by the black stuff. Tom, his wife, and The Floronic Man's head escape, probably so they can contact Green Lantern and replant The Floronic Man. There's also the rest of the New Guardians but, really, what the fuck are they going to do? They were supposed to be some kind of grand advancement in human evolution after Millennium but they were all but forgotten, really. I think they all just became grandiose babysitters watching over all of Earth's Indigo children. But I can't be sure because I was also one of those people who all but forgot them.

Carol loves her new look so I guess I'm happy for her. I prefer her old look but then I prefer old dogs from the '70s over power business woman of the '90s.

It's also possible I was simply won over by the underpants and side boob in the earlier panel.

Again, my opinion doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I'm all, "Ew! You look lame! I hate everything about your new look, Carol Ferris!" Because she likes it. The look also makes Hal spontaneously come in his pants.

That's twice Hal has orgasmed on-panel in this issue!

Right up until Hal saw Carol's new look, he was thinking about fucking the waitress. Just before he sat down to attempt to fuck the waitress, he was thinking about how he doesn't want to be tied down. But he was also wondering why he'd take the job back on Earth if he wanted to be totally free from commitments. It seems Hal just wants everything he doesn't currently have without any actual ties to bind him. Guy had Earth so Hal wanted it. Carol wanted to kill and eat him so he wanted Carol. Arisia has run away from the life she thought she wanted as a thirteen year old pretending to be a grown-ass woman and now Hal wants Arisia. No wonder this guy becomes a villain and then the Spectre.

Carol passes by confident in her own body and autonomy and suddenly Hal can't wait to own her.

Once Hal realizes he wants a relationship with Carol, he decides he must stop looking for Arisia. Just in case anybody was unclear as to why Hal really wanted to find her. He decides to tell Kilowog to find her because even if she needs help, Hal's help comes with multiple sex strings attached. And he wouldn't want to cheat on Carol! He also wouldn't want to cheat on Rose, probably, but I'm pretty sure Rose chose John Stewart in Mosaic #5. We'll find out for sure whenever I get to the short box with my Mosaic issues!

Meanwhile, Arisia is looking for Hal! She proclaims, "I need him." But does she really if she didn't even bother to use an exclamation point? While looking for Hal at the recently destroyed by Eclipso's eclipsed heroes Ferris Aircraft, Arisia is assaulted by a bunch of vines with the face of The Floronic Man. He (or Tom through him) declares, "We need you Green Lantern!" Looks like Carol and Hal won't be working out after all.

Green Lantern #32 Rating: A. This issue was just a lot of Hal and Carol thinking too much about where they currently are in life and what path they should be going down. Carol makes a decision to make Carol happy and, so far, seems to be sticking to it. Hal makes the decision to play the field and fly planes right up until his dick spies Carol and her new look. Then he throws his plans out the window. Look, I get it! Who wouldn't want to fuck the person who has an alternate persona that wants to murder you? That's basically the definition of arousing. I think that's why this was a "Prologue." Because Green Lantern didn't do anything. It was all Hal. Also, the New Guardians got fucked in most of their orifices while setting up the main "The Third Law" plot beginning next issue. Total prologue shit! And I love prologue shit!

Green Lantern #25 (June 1992)

Neither Ralph Dibny nor Ted Kord would bet on Guy. So what was the actual bet?

The way Ralph and Ted are holding up their fingers, they either bet on how many times Guy would call Hal a cunt or how many times Hal Jordan would make Guy Gardner his absolute bitch. Unless the bet has something to do with the enormous tree stump Blue Beetle is sitting in.

By the way, where is the lower half of Ralph Dibny? Down the back of John Stewart's pants?

This issue is extra long for some reason. That reason probably has something to do with how many people loved seeing a brain-damaged man get his ass beat by a fucking cop. Back in 1992, I would have thought, "Who would admit to wanting to see that?" Here in 2024, I think, "I can't believe how many people vociferously declare they want to witness that."

You can't claim the cop didn't know the man he was about to beat the shit out of has brain damage.

Not long after admitting his disdain for somebody with a severe medical condition, Space Cop Hal Jordan basically calls one of his supposed friends the Inuit N-word.

I didn't even know this slur until I was in my 40s! And I only learned of it because of this fucking bastard's use of it!

Chapter One of this issue, the chapter where Hal searches out Guy Gardner so he can pop him one, was drawn by Tim Hamilton and inked by Gary Yap. I have never heard of either of those artists.

I'm not going to caption this "With good reason" because I am not a big jerko.

I'm sure Tim and Gary had a long and healthy career. Looking Tim up online, I haven't noticed his art has improved over the years. But I did laugh out loud at a number of his New Yorker cartoons (which is a huge compliment because, you know, New Yorker cartoons! Ick!)! I didn't look up Gary Yap because I'm 53. I don't have time for this shit. Can't I just casually insult somebody's most personal work and move on without making myself feel guilty by realizing they're full-fledged actual human beings with hopes, dreams, and careers far greater than anything I'll ever accomplish?! Can't I just be bitter sometimes?!

Borrowed without asking from Tim Hamilton's Webpage

As Hal knocks on Guy's door, Hal thinks to himself, "Maybe Guy Gardner is more than just a brain-damaged fool and he'll see reason when I drop in and threaten to utterly destroy Guy's life by demanding my old job back. Surely I can reach the non-brain-damaged part of his brain!" Guy invites him into his apartment for some tea and intellectual discussion.

I've said all I've got to say about Tim Hamilton's art. But I won't stop you from thinking some really hilarious insults about Hal's proportions!

Don't look too closely at Guy Gardner's kitchen table or else you might notice that he's sewn a makeshift vagina into the tablecloth. For fucking, probably.

It's not fair that I'm insulting some of Tim Hamilton's early work. How would I like it if you were to get your hands on some of my early work?! Did you want some of my early work? You want have a good laugh at my expense? Well, too bad! I thought I had a folder of it somewhere in my office but I can't find it right now. The only thing I can find is my poem, "Being There", which I wrote probably around the time I was reading this comic book! 1992? Possibly. It's in my office because I've transcribed it before in a different review. I'm not going to do that again. But I will scan it!

Check out that groovy dot matrix printer font!

If you thought I was being mean criticizing Tim Hamilton's early art then you can't laugh at my early poem, you hypocrite!

Guy's first instinct when Hal says he's taking back Earth is to tell Hal to go fuck himself. It's a good instinct! Hal's argument is that he wants to be on Earth. Guy's argument is that Hal should suck his fat cock. Hal then explains how he was chosen by Abin Sur and was the first to get the gig. Guy points out that he was also chosen but further away and that his ass could use a gentle licking. Hal's next point is that he battled all the villains for a long time. Guy points out that Hal fucking quit to pout around America while Guy took on the responsibility. Hal argues that Guy did the job wrong. Guy counters by calling Hal a pussy.

Oh? Did that strike a nerve? Pussy.

Guy answers Hal by saying that Hal always wants to talk things out instead of fighting. Um, what? Guy Gardner really is brain damaged if that's his view of Hal! Or else I am because Hal hates to talk! He loves to act! He's a brawler not a negotiator! But, at least this time, Hal refuses to be drawn into a fist fight. He's desperate to work this out through dialogue. Probably because he knows he won't be able to convince Guy through debate and they'll wind up fighting anyway. But he can't be seen as the person who threw the first punch. He needs a legitimate claim to the position on Earth and he knows he won't have that if he simply beats the shit out of Guy without discussing it.

But Guy doesn't immediately take the bait either. I'm pretty sure he knows the game Hal is playing. So instead of getting angry (being that he has every right to the position and all the power at the moment), he chooses to frustrate Hal Jordan with continuity errors and plot inconsistencies.

Come on, Guy. Wait until Zero Hour helps clear up some of the fucked up DC history left behind by Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Ultimately, Guy can't escape his tragic flaw of needing to be the best. Instead of pointing out that the job is his and the conversation is over, Guy challenges Hal to a fight to the near-death, winner take Earth, loser quits the Corps. Guy fell right into Hal's stupid trap. It's the biggest proof of all that Guy is brain-damaged. Who else would fall into a stupid fucking cop trap?!

Hal pretends he doesn't want to solve the problem through fisticuffs but he's only pretending to himself. Guy and the readers know Hal basically came to Earth to win the job in a fist fight. Guy probably decides to challenge Hal because Guy obviously thinks he's the better Green Lantern (he's not wrong in the way he's a more entertaining Green Lantern and better but he is wrong in that he's not the best body for the fascist cop program). Guy's too anarchic to be a good soldier. But he truly believes he can kick Hal's ass and by kicking Hal's ass, the matter will be solved once and for all. See? His tragic flaw! We know he's going to get his ass beat! It's what all the dumb comic book readers want! What I mean by that is that most comic book readers are dumb.

Chapter Two begins with a panel of Hal punching Guy in the face. So he does throw the first punch! Guy was counting on it. Not because it makes Hal look bad but because Guy just wanted to get the fight started already. So he called Hal a loser and a cuck and a gutless idiot and a whiner. You know, all the things Hal is but Hal doesn't want to hear that he is.

Earlier, Fire and Ice realized some shit was about to go down. So they gathered up both Justice Leagues to the scene of the brawl. But Hal also contacted the Green Lantern Corps to come help solve the dispute. The Green Lantern Corps keeps the Justice League from interfering. It's a Corps matter for who gets to protect Earth which means nobody living on Earth gets to have a say. Superman and John Stewart decide they should, at least, keep the two Lanterns from destroying the city as if they were a bunch of Teen Titans settling some Daddy Issues.

It's a good thing they're going to simply brawl because both of them regarded the other's use of Green Lantern constructs as "tricks." They must fucking hate themselves every time they create a giant baseball glove or cricket bat.

Both Hal and Guy point out the other is using "dirty tricks" when they use their rings which makes me think of my most favorite book of all time ever: Sam and the Firefly. If you want to trace my love of anarchy and chaos but also friendship and justice down to one defining piece of media, it's that book by P.D. Eastman.

Am I fucking delusional?! Am I the only one who realizes all Hal Jordan does is solve problems with fist fights?!

The third chapter begins with Guy punching Hal in the face. But this time, no rings! It's all hand-to-hand, baby! Hal's advantage is his military training and experience with punching people in the face. Guy's advantage is teaching gym and physically manhandling juvenile delinquents. And also maybe his brain damage? My money would be on Guy except I know Hal wins and I don't want to lose my money. So, sorry, Guy! I can't support you in this fight! My mother didn't raise no loser! I'm not saying I'm not a loser. I'm saying my mother didn't really put much effort into raising me.

Hal's chastises himself for getting punched so quickly by Guy. He thinks, "That was stupid. He's kept himself younger than me." Um, what? How does a younger person "keep themselves younger" than you? Sometimes I truly forget how fucking stupid Hal Jordan is (which is weird because I often think, "Man, Hal Jordan is so stupid!").

Guy kicks Hal's ass for many, many pages. But then Hal stops fighting because he remembers that issue of Catwoman by Ann Nocenti where she explained what a rope-a-dope was. And even though she explained it entirely incorrectly, Hal manages to rope-a-dope Guy into wearing himself out so that Hal can land the final punch for the knock out. It's not a bad fight at all. It gives Guy some dignity. It shows he's a fighter with a strong will who can channel all the rage and anger that fuels him. But he's arrogant and he defeats himself. I'm just glad Gerard Jones didn't use this opportunity to just make Guy into yet another stupid punchline.

For Guy's part, he admits defeat and, in the end, he gives up his ring without a complaint. See? Dignity! Later, off-panel, he might go dropkick a stray dog into a dumpster. But for now, he handles the defeat like a man who made a challenge and lost. Also he might have a lead on a Qwardian power ring.

Green Lantern #25 Rating: A+. I didn't expect this issue to be much more than a big brawl showcasing how much better Hal is than Guy. But it wasn't that at all. Jones handled the conflict elegantly. Hal obviously knew they'd battle but tried to avoid it. Guy could have kept his position by simply refusing to hear Hal out and sending him on his way. He had no need to justify the challenge to the position on Earth. But Guy couldn't resist a chance to prove he's better than Hal. It was the only way to get these two to fight. And once the fight began, I thought for sure Hal would best Guy easily. It's how Guy's been written by so many other writers who just don't seem to like Guy at all. But Jones allowed Guy to control the fight. To have Hal realize Guy was winning, that Guy could win, that Guy was ultimately more powerful than Hal. And then Hal won due to Guy's arrogance. It might seem like a centuries old trope but it worked out well. Hal's experience gave him a slight upper hand in the conflict and he beat Guy. He also took Guy at his word and forced him to resign from the Corps. Which, once again, could have been a really humiliating moment for Guy. But Guy sucks it up, gives up the ring, and simply declares he'll be back one way or another. But best of all, even though everybody roots for Hal to win, Ice never wavers in her support for Guy. She's the fucking best, isn't she?!