Saturday, April 2, 2022

Justice League International #25 (1989)


Kevin Maguire nails the "I just shit myself" facial expression.

Twenty-five issues in and I just noticed that the "J" and the "U" in the title stand alone as the JLI abbreviation. Pretty sneaky, sis.

Ty Templeton pencils only fours pages of this issue and I think I know why.


He spent most of the month perfecting Ice's ass.

I'm only now just realizing that I read comic books for the butts.

Apparently Booster Gold and Blue Beetle are still working for that vehicle repossessing company because a call comes in for a big job. You would think Batman would put up some money to pay the Justice League a livable wage so that they can be ready to act when a crisis hits Earth. Didn't the recent alien invasion teach Batman anything? The world was almost conquered because Booster and Beetle were busy repossessing some drunk's minivan and Fire was at a modelling audition and Ice was filming a commercial and Mister Miracle was performing at a ten year old's birthday party and John Jones was investigating the possible infidelity of a wayward husband. Pretty sure superheroes shouldn't be moonlighting.

Beetle decides to fly the Bug to the job which seems like a weird choice if he's bankrupt. The fuel to fly that thing has got to cost more than they're going to make on this job.


These speech bubbles are coming out of the wrong mouths.

Is their a bigger sin in comic books than when the letterer places speech bubbles on the incorrect characters? I mean other than the sin of letting Scott Lobdell write the comic or Rob Liefeld draw it or Howard Mackie on punctuation.


This must have been the story arc where Batman went into therapy. Ha ha! Just kidding! He probably wound up having to fight a class action lawsuit in court for assault on half of Gotham's underworld.

Booster and Beetle have been hired to repossess a vampire. That must mean somebody owns the vampire. Which means Booster and Beetle are working for a slaver. Is this what Comicsgate means when they want to return to old fashioned comics? "I've had it up to here with inclusivity! Make mine comic books where heroes are involved in human (and vampire) trafficking!"

Booster doubts that vampires actually exist which simply makes the entire situation worse. Because that means they're simply kidnapping a regular old human and bringing them back into captivity! And here I thought Booster Gold and Blue Beetle were just a couple of fun loving dimwits. I had no idea they were also inhuman monsters.


Keep telling yourself whatever lies you need to to keep from actually caring, Beetle.

It might look like Booster Gold is having an attack of conscious in that last panel but I think he's just calling Beetle disgusting because he's planning on buying a bunch of Bob Dylan CDs.

The man who hired Booster and Beetle directs them to an abandoned sewage plant where the vampire has apparently taken up residence. The two of them treat it as a huge joke right up until they wander into a chamber full of human bones. I'm sure there's a rational explanation that doesn't have anything to do with an escaped hostage eating a bunch of other people.

Examining the bones more closely, Beetle realizes they're not human because they all have large fangs. Which totally means that no crime has been committed here. Pretty sure anything that isn't actually human can be killed and the law can't do anything about it. At least in the DC Universe.

The duo are subsequently attacked by the vampire they were sent to hunt although he seems less intent on eating them and more focused on getting them to just leave him alone. Which was kind of my point from the beginning. Why would these idiots take a repo job from some corporate CEO to hunt down a sentient being?! They're not bounty hunters hunting down somebody who skipped out on their bail! They're supposed to be out nabbing cars from people who have missed a few payments (which, look, I'm not totally on board with either, actually!).


He asks some fair questions.

This vampire sounds like me that time Jimmy Arthur chased me into a 7-Eleven and punched me in the face. My guess is this vampire is just about to smash Blue Arthur and Jimmy Gold over the head with his skateboard, causing him to bleed so badly that the cops who come by to investigate the fight will tell him, "You really fucked those guys up."

The vampire's name is Caitiff and he lets Booster and Beetle know it every time he makes a statement about himself. During his fearful rant, he admits that "This one can kill!" Yes, he speaks like a Khajiit. Anyway, that statement is all Booster and Beetle need to justify beating the shit out of him, kidnapping him, and taking him back to his captor. If I wanted to defend their actions, I suppose I could believe that they're too terrified by the idea of a vampire on the loose to reflect on their situation. Although shouldn't heroes be better than regular people who never, ever reflect on their situations and simply follow their instinctual drives based on selfish desires and irrational fears? Maybe this is why this Justice League never seemed very heroic. They were all just regular people doing stupid shit for selfish reasons.


Uh oh. This is beginning to sound like some kind of historical analogy. My Social Justice Warrior sense is tingling!

I was on the vampire's side until he got all judgmental about eating animals and then tried to defend his diet by saying he eats to survive. Welcome to the club, dickweed. Sure, humans don't have to eat meat to survive. But what else are cows going to do?! Survive in the wild on their own?! Good luck, dumb-dumbs!

Based on the whole "we eat meat to survive" defense, and based on the evidence that humans pen animals to slaughter them, do Booster and Beetle have to let the vampire go if they discover a bunch of people locked up in cages down in the sewer? They wouldn't want to be hypocrites, would they?

The main reason Booster and Beetle stop punching the vampire in the face is that he exclaims that they killed his wife and kids. So Beetle is all, "Whoa! This vampire fucks?! Who would have thought! He's hideous!" And Booster is all, "Yeah, but you never saw his wife, right? Probably a real vampire dog!" Although when is the last time a female vampire was ugly?! They're always super hot.


You cutting into a medium-rare steak versus Caitiff with his teeth stuck into the neck of a limp baby. Who looks worse?!

This is intolerable! I don't mind when super-heroes stop bank robberies and punch madmen in the face! But calling out eating meat?! Outrageous! I wish I was still a vegetarian so I could also look down on meat eaters right now! "Take that, you artery-clogged scumbags!" is probably what I would say while bathing in my feelings of superiority and righteousness! God, I miss those heady days! Totally worth not eating meat!

In the end, because the ethics of the situation just got way too complicated for Booster and Beetle to deal with, Caitiff falls in a pit while running from them and is pierced through the heart by a stalagmite. That's probably good enough to kill a vampire, right? Stake? Stalagmite? Practically the same thing.

Booster Gold believes Caitiff killed himself but Blue Beetle is all, "I don't want that on my conscious so I'm going to argue it was an accident!" Either way, they feel pretty shitty for causing this guy grief after all the grief he's already suffered at the hands of white Europeans. I mean men in general, probably.

Letters this issue were from Commander Anthony Gallagher of Melbourne, Australia; Charlie Harris of Tucson, Arizona; Sylvain Mallette of Spring Harbor, Michigan; Charles J. Sperling of Flushing, New York; Kip Talbot of Dayton, Virginia; Chris Gladis of Farmington, Connecticut; Tom Longfellow of Elkridge, Maryland; Jody Hamby of Robbins, Tennessee; and DJ of Clairton, Pennsylvania. Not a single one of them praised the Letterer. Not even a polite "and the letters were really clear and easy to read" after extolling lavish praise on the inker and penciller and writer and colorist. How sad must Bob Lappan have been for his whole career?

Just kidding! We have a first this issue! Charlie Harris doesn't praise any of the other people on the book and simply ends his letter with "By the way, Bob Lappan is a GREAT letterer in my opinion and I just wanted to say so." Who let that letter through?! Was Bob Lappan in charge of the letter column this month?! Seems pretty suspicious that somebody would just praise the letterer out of nowhere. Is Charlie Harris actually Bob's mom?!


Hey! I like all of those too! Why didn't I write this guy?! Probably because he didn't mention Halo.

Justice League International #25 Rating: B+. My favorite part of this issue was how Giffen and DeMatteis present an ethical quandary but decide it's too hard to come to some sort of conclusion so they just kill the guy who is making everybody start to feel bad about themselves. And afterward, Beetle and Booster just go off to have a beer to forget about the poor dead vampire guy. He was just the last of his kind and all, the rest having been genocided by humans. No need to worry about it anymore though! And it's not like Booster and Beetle ever dissected a vampire! Why should they feel bad that they just harangued the last of the vampire race into committing suicide?! That was his choice! They were just trying to help by punching him in the face a lot and then threatening to take him to STAR Labs where they totally wouldn't have exploited him and experimented on him cruelly! They're, like, good guys and shit!

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