Wednesday, October 14, 2015

The Omega Men #5

In DC Comics' 1985 version of Who's Who, all of the Omega Men are listed as having the occupation of "freedom fighter." That's just a liberal, candy-ass way of saying terrorist! How dare 1985 DC explicitly tell me which side of the conflict I should be on by labeling them as freedom fighters. They're terrorists now and they were terrorists back then and I'm going to believe The Citadel is trying their best to keep the citizens of all the worlds under their protection safe! From what I've read, I can't see any reason to side with a bunch of violent maniacs and flagrant rules violators like The Omega Men! I suppose I could take Starfire's account of The Citadel into my decision of which side to root for but how reliable can her opinion be when she was completely hopped up on drugs?! I hope this is the issue where those Omega Men get what's coming to them! And by that I mean bullets! Lots and lots of bullets!

The Omega Men are currently on Changralyn, Broot's home planet, to return Kalista to her father in exchange for a cube of chocolate. Unless it's a valuable artifact or a key or a puzzle cube. The people on Broot's home planet hate him as much as the Jewish people hated Jesus. That'll happen when you're brutally honest with people's beliefs. They get all bent out of shape and call you arrogant and get pissed at you for climbing up in the pulpit and interrupting the priest's sermon by pointing out how God doesn't actually exist and they throw you out of church and call the police to arrest you for trespassing. Totally unfair.

The cube of chocolate holds within it the Key of Alpha. It's the key to salvation! It's a magic key that allows the bearer a free pass into heaven no matter how many sins they've committed. It's also, apparently, a sham. Hidden inside an unbreakable piece of chocolate, it gives believers something to believe in. It allows them to masturbate frequently while still believing that someday before they die, they'll break that piece of chocolate, take the key, and walk right into heaven with their dicks in their hands! When Omega sees that key, all he'll be able to do is roll his eyes because he'll also see the Key of Alpha dangling from a Prince Albert. Boom! In your face, eternal justice!

Oh, sorry! The chocolate was just payment to attempt the breaking of the stone! The Omega Men couldn't afford the price so they kidnapped Kalista to get her dad to pay it. I totally knew what was going on the whole time like a reasonably intelligent person!

Broot beats at the rock for hours when Doc, in orbit around the planet Changralyn, reports that The Citadel Army has not arrived at the planet. No, they were already on the planet waiting to ambush the Omega Men. That probably means if any dung is left after throwing it at Broot on his way in, it's going to hit the fan. Doc's advice is that they hurry up and finish the ceremony so that everybody can leave while still breathing. The only problem is Broot is having a tough time breaking the unbreakable rock with his bare fists. Wussy.

Broot finally falls to his hands and knees, defeated. But his dad, the Pontifex of Changralyn, decides he proved himself enough to get his old name back and to be forgiven and to be welcomed back home. It sounds like that was part of the deal to trap the Omega Men in the temple. Sort of how Lando Calrissian sold Han Solo to the Empire in exchange for keeping his city. It seems to me that deal didn't work out so well for Lando. I bet the Pontifex winds up fucked too!

Time for the bomb to do its duty!

The Pontifex explains to Broot how the rock is a total trick to keep himself in money, power, and super hot rock pussy. Unless he's into little gravel peens? Whatever. He tells Broot the church is corrupt. But I bet Broot still believes! And he's going to break that fucking rock the church was built on and tear it all fucking down around them!

Which, you know, he totally does. He gives the rock one last smash and discovers the key. It's a little squashed version of the Jesus fish. Or the letter "R". Or an Egyptian eyeball. Whatever it is exactly, The Pontifex wants it! It proves everything! Or something. I don't know. I doubt it's worth much to the Pontifex when all the other people in the temple saw Broot uncover it. Although with all of his newly bribed treasure, he can have them all killed!

Broot tosses the Key of Alpha and Tigorr tosses Scrapps so that she can catch it and break through a window and escape the temple. The rest of the Omega Men are all about to die and Scrapps herself might not survive the fall. It looks like the omega for the freedom fighters! I mean terrorists!

Fuck yeah.

The Omega Men #5 Rating: No change. Spirituality is a single person's experience of the divine. Religion is other people's faith in that one person's experience. I suppose in this case, the initial experience that was the catalyst for the Church of the Omega was based in some kind of fact because Broot just proved at least one piece of the church's religious dogma true by finding the Key of Alpha. Finding the key could break the church since the Pontifex was not a believer and now he must question his place in things now that the religion he used for his own benefit was proven to be true. Even if Broot had not found the Key, it would have meant the destruction of the church. What I've learned is that if you're going to base a major part of your religion on an unbreakable rock, make sure that fucking thing is really unbreakable! And for all those people taking their religion second hand? You're being fucking used. Make up your own mind on the interpretation of your religious texts. Read The Bible yourself. Or the Quran. But not the Book of Mormon. Jesus Christ, please don't read that one.

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