Green Lantern #45

I should have some sort of secret code that I put here in the first caption to alert regular readers of this blog that I'm really going to half-ass the following review.

Remember when The Black Hand was a perfect choice to be a possible death in an issue of the Suicide Squad? But then Geoff Johns got hold of him and la dee da! Now he's all fancy and recognizable and hardly ever elicits confused yawns of "Who's that now?" I bet that's why nobody dies on the Suicide Squad anymore. I bet Geoff Johns called dibs on every unrecognizable DC villain so that he can try to work his stupid magic on them and get people to like them. Then he can pick up tons of chicks at the bar by saying, "Hey baby. You know I made Reactron a household name. Buy me a drink?" Then whoever he was talking to would have to get a bar rag to put under her so she didn't get the bar stool all squidgy because that's some pick-up line!

While looking through the Who's Who for a suitably unrecognizable criminal, I saw that DC had (or has?) a hero named Red Bee who was also a district attorney! Red Bee needs to come back because DC really could use more super hero lawyers.

Hal has figured out, with the help of Darlene and not common sense, that Black Hand is headed to Earth. I'm not sure why but I figure it must have something to do with stubbornness, Hal decides he has to go to Earth alone.

I wish Darlene wanted to go to a brothel.

Hal Jordan tracks down Black Hand who is pouting because everything he touches turns to stone. Luckily he's dead and he doesn't have to eat or drink or masturbate. I don't think dead people masturbate. Man, if zombies really just go by their basest instincts, nobody will have to fear Zombie Tess because I'll just be jerking it until it falls off.

Hal tells Black Hand he can help him but Black Hand doesn't trust him because he's alive. The Black Hand only has dead friends. For some reason, Hal reveals his identity to Black Hand because I guess fighting with him is better than not fighting with him? Maybe Hal views their relationship differently than Black Hand views it because Black Hand decides he isn't going anywhere with Hal. He'd rather remain on his stone planet taking up lots of comic book space with splash pages and double splash pages and pages with just two panels on them. This issue is the comic book version of larger font and narrower margins on a college essay.

So they battle the way super heroes and super villains tend to battle: for a long time and while spouting lots of nonsense.

I won't question why only the Black Hand's hands turn to stone. I won't question why only the Black Hand's hands turn to stone.

Why do only the Black Hand's hands turn to stone? I bet his penis is a big rock as well.

Hal finally realizes that Black Hand is a major plague to the entire universe and decides it's time to bury him once and for all. But if he's invulnerable to being turned into Source Wall, how is he going to stick to the Source Wall for his burial?

Green Lantern #45 Rating: No change. This issue averaged barely over three panels per page. And a lot of that was just Hal trying to avoid being turned to stone as he battled Black Hand. Darlene was allowed to be snarky in a few pages while The Little Prince and Trapper Keeper simply took a nap. I wish Robert Venditti has some secret code that he could put on the cover of Green Lantern to alert regular readers that he's really going to half-ass the issue.