Thursday, October 29, 2015

Doctor Fate #5

I don't want to read about any of these Doctor Fates. Unless he's breaking up with Shaya in the lower right panel.

Paul Levitz must be really good at pitching comic books to have gotten the green light on this comic book. How did he make a story of a guy who never accepts being a hero, whines constantly about how hard school is, and believes he's been drugged sound interesting? Unless Paul Levitz ended his Doctor Fate pitch meeting with Round Robin Blowjob Time, I don't see how anybody was interested in this story. Although I think Quentin Tarantino has pitched practically the same thing multiple times although he makes it sound exciting by having every character yell "nigger" as many times as possible. Was there some secret Black Panther Illuminati NAACP meeting where Tarantino was given a lifetime pass to use that word that I typed earlier but probably shouldn't type again because I don't have one of those passes?

I'm quite aware of this need that modern comic book writers have to call attention to aspects of comic books that the audience used to just accept. Why would a normal kid with a scientific mind accept a magic helmet at face value? Why would he just suddenly wear it and think, "Cool! I can do neat stuff!" That doesn't make sense, right? So how about four boring as fuck issues of the character failing to cope with his new circumstances? Maybe it's more believable but so is a medical student trusting his observations instead of constantly wondering how he got on so many drugs and who might have clandestinely slipped them into his Yoo-hoo. Plus Doctor Fate's archenemy is a stray dog. Yippee. I'm trembling with excitement! Unless that's syphilis. Does syphilis make you tremble?

And the very worst part? He doesn't fucking care that his cat is dead.

The cat tells him to put the helmet on, shut the fuck up, and save the world. Hopefully that will finally put an end to all the nonsense since this issue is called "Confrontation." I'm pretty sure that by using that word as the title, something exciting has to happen by the end of the issue.

Doctor Fate is still not entirely sure he has the magic figured out so he decides to start his new career slow and boring. He catches some guys looting a television. So now his enemies include not only a stray dog but some looters as well. It's just as boring as it sounds. Although imagine if this scene were written by Tarantino! Heads would be exploding! Time wouldn't flow in chronological order! N-words would be raining down all over the place! Teenaged white male readers would be jerking each other off over that comic book!

This is usually where I'd say some interesting and possibly funny stuff but why bother? Paul Levitz isn't really trying, so why should I? I'm nothing if not petulant!

Oh, by the way, here's where the sex scene would go if this comic book were interesting.

And this scene where nothing happens ends just before she puts her hand down the front of her pants.

Meanwhile, Khalid has made it home from stopping looters and prepares for bed. He gets in his pajamas. He brushes his teeth. He thinks about how he isn't really a hero and can't save the world. He ignores the texts from his horny neighbor. I'm not saying my life is any more exciting than this but at least I'm not charging anybody three dollars to hear about it. Would that work? Would anybody pay three dollars to hear about what I did last night? It's actually more interesting than this comic book and I don't even own a magic helmet.

Luckily before Khalid goes to sleep and dooms the world, the helmet tells Khalid where Anubis is so that a confrontation can take place. Finally! Currently Anubis is threatening Khalid's father. But it's time for the big fight! It's going to be so exciting! Here it comes! The moment this comic book has been building super slowly to! The magic battle of the century!


Khalid's not sure what to do with his father. I don't think it matters because no matter how many panels Khalid speaks to him and calls him dad, his dad doesn't say a word. But the helmet suggests that Khalid maybe try sticking around and fighting the stray dog. Which, once again, makes Khalid question reality.

I get it, Paul! I fucking get it! He's fucking reluctant and this is too crazy to believe!

The stray dog gets really big and blames all the world's evil on man's love of technology. And then Doctor Fate gives up. He offers to give Anubis the helmet if he'll restore his father's eyes. Anubis decides he'd rather take Khalid's eyes instead.

Doctor Fate #5 Rating: -2 Ranking. So that was the big confrontation with Anubis? Khalid runs, gives up, and then trades away the helmet and his eyesight. You keep saying you're not a hero, Khalid? Well congratulations! You're not! You're a boring piece of shit who really should be fucking his neighbor right now. I suppose if your life is so boring that reading about a boring person's life would actually keep you entertained, maybe you'd like this comic book. But anybody who has Bagel Bites or Tater Tots in the freezer already has more entertainment value ready to go. Just pop those suckers in the oven and stare through the window to watch them cook for forty minutes. Fun! To increase enjoyment, masturbate while watching.

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