Green Arrow #45

This is a stupid costume idea. How are you supposed to make out with Slutty Black Canary at the costume party?

This issue is called "The Bone Hunters" because Green Arrow hasn't had enough penis references lately. Last issue, Ollie met up with Tarantula who seems like a really sweet, respectful, and caring woman. At the same time, they were attacked by people in skull masks. I think the guys in the masks are the eponymous Bone Hunters. Although it could be Tarantula, if you get my sexy drift. The men in masks have kidnapped George aka Not-Pizza Dog aka Arrowdog. Tarantula advises Oliver to run from the masked guys without rescuing the dog because she doesn't realize how impossible Emiko is going to be when they get home without George. But Oliver realizes he doesn't have his bow and arrows so he's pretty useless. Besides, the guy who took George already ran away. Time to regroup! Maybe come up with a plan that involves shooting arrows at things.

As Oliver and The Tarantula flee the scene, Ollie thinks how the worst thing about the skeletons wasn't how they had big swords and were trying to kill him and took his dog but about how they didn't speak. Spooky! The Bone Hunters must be thinking the same thing because Ollie spends all of his time Narration Boxing instead of speaking. They probably returned to Boss Bone Hunter and were all, "It was so creepy, boss! He like hardly spoke at all! I mean, if you're defending yourself against murderers and you don't say 'Stop! Don't kill me!' or 'Who are you guys?' or 'What is this about?', it makes you seem hollow! Like you're full of, um, bees and sand! Or something."

I wish Oliver were as silent with his Narration Boxing as he is with his Speech Bubbles! But no! He's got to drone on and on about how skeletons are like super spooky and they don't speak except for the wind blowing through their eye sockets and their teeth are scary big rocks on hills! Shut the fuck up, asshole. You almost sound like Ann Nocenti is writing you again! Remember when she began her King Lear story arc with Ollie on the roof soliloquizing?! Apparently he still thinks he's some kind of artsy fartsy wordsmith.

Oliver and Tarantula get away by nearly killing a woman bathing when they shower her in plate glass. But everybody winds up okay and the skeletons decide to go dance in a graveyard or something. It gives Oliver time to explain to the readers how The Bone Hunters stole the skull of the first bear to come to America. He was off drinking dead men's toes up in Alaska at that time so he couldn't stop them. Diggle and Emiko were still in Seattle so their excuses for not stopping them are even worse. But now it's time for Green Arrow to team up with Tarantula! I can't think of two things that go together better than arrows and spiders!

Why did she seek out Green Arrow just to bicker with him? And what the fuck is the moth supposed to represent?!

Oliver is male and Catalina is female. Therefore this many pages can't go by without at least one of them thinking about the other in a sexual way. It's only natural! Especially after a long, hot, boring car drive where you bicker constantly while moths try to eat your eye juice. That's what moths do, right? Suck out eyes?

Oh! I think maybe Ollie is the Bone Hunter!

As they continue to drive, the car is swarmed by Death's Head Moths. I'm only guessing that's what kind of moths they are because they look like they're all sidekicks to the Punisher. Also weren't Death's Head Moths in an X-Files episode?

Oliver shoots a Flare Arrow into the sky and the moths follow it because that's what moths do. They follow arrows. At least it was nice to see Oliver shoot in arrow. He never even pulled out his bow in Issue #44. I guess he was too busy ignoring his date and thinking up a way to shake her.

Oliver and Catalina stop at a gas station to find it abandoned except for one tooth. Inside, the walls have been covered in Mayan pictographs. And along the far wall, a dead cashier is covered in symbols and moths. I think all of these clues are pointing to something bad happening!

See? I told you the skeletons went off to dance in a graveyard.

Green Arrow #45 Rating: -1 Ranking. Some stuff happened this issue but it wasn't much of anything that held my interest. An escape. A flashback. A road trip through moths. Not terribly exciting. But you can't argue the sexual chemistry between these two kids! It was practically dripping off the page on that one page where Oliver Narration Boxed how Catalina was making him hot in the pants. I'm going to do a little math here to figure what percentage of Green Arrow's stories have interested me since The New 52. Rounded up, I've enjoyed 0.9% of this comic book. How has it made it to issue #45?!