Justice League #45

Whoo whoo!

The first page of this comic book is three black panels. Two of the panels have some red blotches and one panel has a "ping" sound effect. I'm not happy with this beginning. If I wanted to feel like a jackass by reading crap I resented paying for, I'd get a book of Rudyard Kipling's poetry.

You all owe me eighteen cents.

You know what? I'm also going to write a Rudyard Kipling poem!

Brown People Need Help

White people make things better! We have the best skills of all nations.
Brown people are like, "Duh?! What is cities? Gorp! Der!"
Rule Britannia! Rule Britannia! We have the best civilizations!
Brown people can't rule because they are full of torpor!
Read my children's books, impressionable youngsters! Kipling out...of opium! Yoink!

Shit. I didn't even get to the second page before I complained! It's just a full page image of a dripping horseshoe! If I'd known I was going to be ripped off two full pages, I would have been angrier! Although being angry enough to write a parody Rudyard Kipling poem which might be misunderstood or taken out of context was already pretty angry. I should be more careful about what I write because some unintelligent readers who think they know enough about everything to deconstruct anything might Youthsplain some things to me.

So last issue, Darkseid was killed by the Anti-monitor using The Black Racer as a weapon. Also the Black Racer is now The Flash.

Or is it Steve Urkel?

Mister Miracle points out that The Flash is now cursed to be The Black Racer until he dies. And The Flash is all, "This is a curse?! No way! I'm the God of Death! I've got a cool black costume and I know how to ski! Iris will totally open her legs for me now without having to pretend I love her nephew!"

On Apokolips, Superman is still an asshole. He's full of Apokolips energy which totally makes sense because Geoff Johns came up with it so it must make sense. Although is Superman really any different than he's been since The New 52 began? He really has been a grumpy puss lately. But now he's a weird polarized version of himself. He and The Flash are going to look great together. Superman destroys Lex Luthor's armor and strands him on Apokolips before heading back to Earth. That's probably going to be a mistake. I give Lex five hours before he's the next ruler of Apokolips.

Batman decides that he and the Batchair are going to go back to Gotham City and save it because that seems like a reasonable use of a chair that gives you all the knowledge of everything forever. Use it to make one city safe from maniacs. Classic Batman!

Apparently the Parademons are mostly moth.

Lex Luthor meets the Forgotten People on Apokolips. I guess they're the opposite of the Forever People. It's exactly the type of clever nameplay Geoff Johns likes to come up with when he's reinventing the DC Youniverse. It's also possible the Forgotten People have already been invented but this has Johns' semen all over it. The Forgotten People are all, "We're in comics so of course we have a prophecy that tells us the future and helps us react appropriately to keep the plot moving. Are you the farm boy orphan hero from Smallville that's actually a super awesome person or something?" And Lex is all, "Yep! How'd you know? Totally me. If straw existed on Apokolips, I'd be chewing on some! Yee haw! Boy howdy!"

Back on Earth, Barry begins to argue with himself and then runs away, just like always. I guess I'll see you in your special One Shot, Barry! Bye! The next person to flee to their One Shot is Shazam when he becomes the God of All of the Gods. I think that means he just committed blasphemy in every single religion in the universe.

Darkseid is dead and the Anti-Monitor has disappeared with his forces. The parademons have rushed off to fly erratically around the Green Power Battery on Oa (or Mogo (or wherever it is in Geoff Johns' version of the DC You). But Kalibak, Lashina, Steppenwolf, and probably some other jerks are still hanging around thinking they can beat the Justice League. But seriously, who takes Kalibak seriously now? Everybody heard about that time Alfred Pennyworth the Cat devised a plan which relied on Kalibak slipping on cow manure and which totally defeated him.

Meanwhile the Omega Effect returns to Apokolips and chooses a new leader.

Yep. I'd say that was about five hours.

Justice League #45 Rating: No change. This issue was basically a prologue for the One Shots coming out across the next few weeks. I'm not sure why I knew there were six of them coming out but while reading this book, I couldn't figure out who the sixth book was going to focus on. I actually thought Cyborg and Shazam were going to merge because wasn't that in one of the visions of Myrina's midwife? I had no idea that Lex was going to actually become the next Darkseid. I just figured he'd manipulate everybody and talk them into letting him rule. I do still have one question after reading this issue though: who thought Arrow, Deadman, and Mister Miracle were good figures to begin the DC Comics Icons action figure toy line?