Thursday, October 8, 2015

Justice League #44

I genuinely despise these Choose Your Own Adventure style covers.

The issue begins with Batman obsessing over how much he hates The Joker while Wonder Woman Narration Boxes about how much her mother hated Gelos, the Greek god of laughter. So Batman is Wonder Woman's mother? That's a startling revelation!

Batman is on a space roadtrip with Hal Jordan in search of the origin of the Anti-Monitor. They use the Batchair to BOOM Tube to Earth-3 to find clues since Anti-Monitor trashed the place and probably left some fingerprints and DNA all over the world. While investigating, Batman decides to break the silence by repeating some stuff that Alfred once said to him to Hal Jordan.

How come the Batchair teaches Batman everything except how not to be a complete asshole?

Hal Jordan blames Batman being an asshole on the Batchair which makes me think Hal Jordan hasn't been paying attention. I can believe that! One of Hal's better qualities is narcissism! Although if he were sitting in the Batchair, I doubt his first question would have been about The Joker's real identity. Hal's first question would have been "How do I get Carol Ferris to love me without putting in any effort whatsoever?"

Batman and Hal spend about twenty seconds on Earth-3 before deciding to go to Qward, the apparent birthplace of the Anti-Monitor. I guess they just stopped by Earth-3 to see how much damage the Anti-Monitor can cause. And then it's back to the rest of the Justice League as they watch Darkseid and The Anti-Monitor, the two most powerful beings in the universe, engage in a fistfight.

I had to look up the definition of "waging" to see if it is ever used as an intransitive verb. Turns out it's listed as an obsolete usage which means "to contend; struggle." And all you nerds currently thinking "What? You didn't know that?" can crawl back into your holes now to think about how much you resemble Batman in the Batchair.

The other opponents on the battlefield use words in funny ways as well.

I would accept that Kalibak meant "consumed" by his use of "gorged" here if he'd left out the "sockets" part of the statement. But since he said "eye sockets," I have to accept that he means he "filled them completely." But with what?! Marbles? Feces? His cock?

Grail gorges Kalibak's with eye beams. I guess. Poor Kalibak. He really has deluded himself into thinking he's a bad-ass. Why would he think he could defeat his sister when he was just recently defeated by a cat, a dog, a cow, and a ten year old boy?

Diana tackles Grail away from Kalibak for some reason. I think that reason is that Diana is bad at tactics. What does she care if Kalibak is killed by Grail? Shouldn't she and the others simply be concerned with containing this battle? Or maybe calling in some magic-user to teleport everybody into another dimension? Isn't this the point when Superman usually sends everybody to The Phantom Zone? That's always worked in the past! But one thing I wouldn't do is enter the battle and have to worry about fighting two different enemies at the same time. Let them fight it out a bit! Maybe Darkseid will get lucky and destroy the Anti-Monitor in just a few minutes but he'll be so wounded he'll have to return to Apokolips! The problem might just solve itself! Sometimes you need a leader like me who doesn't mind being seen as lazy and cowardly!

Meanwhile on Apokolips, Superman is going to try to kill Lex Luthor. See, Superman fueled himself with energy from one of the fire pits on Apokolips which, I guess, must be nearly identical to that of a yellow sun. The only problem is it was evil energy! I didn't know energy could be good or evil. I'll have to look for Evil Duracells the next time my remote control needs new batteries.

I'm having trouble believing that Darkseid came to Earth twenty-something years ago just to get laid. I suppose he could have been investigating Superbaby's arrival on Earth and just happened to stop by a bar on Paradise Island where he met Myrina Black, possibly the only woman on Earth interested in banging a huge rock person. Aside from Alicia Masters.

Darkseid finally remembers that he's the biggest cosmic threat in the DC Youniverse and he probably shouldn't be brawling like any average citizen of Philadelphia. He decides to summon Black Racer to do his killing for him.

Black Racer rushes in to slalom off of the Anti-Monitor's abdominal moguls, spraying the onlookers with blood (or whatever juices fill the Anti-Monitor. Judging by the picture, it's cosmic ray juice).

Over on Qward, Batman learns that the Anti-Monitor's real name is Mobius and that he built the Batchair. He wanted too much knowledge and was cursed for seeking it just like everybody else who seeks too much knowledge. I don't know who's doing all the cursing of people seeking knowledge but I do know that most Americans seem to believe it really happens so they choose to remain ignorant and not cursed at all.

That's not "white light," Bruce. It's Krona's semen.

Free Will was at the center of the regular universe. But whatever was at the center of the Anti-Matter Universe has possessed the Anti-Monitor. I guess that was Pay Will.

Meanwhile, The Flash becomes the new host of The Black Racer because get it?

The new Black Racer is controlled by the Anti-Monitor and he sends him straight through Darkseid's chest as he screams something about how his dick is the Anti-Life Equation and dinner is served. Darkseid's death is so hilarious that the Greek god of laughter decides to come out of retirement and snicker at the joke.

Justice League #44 Rating: No change. The Darkseid War was probably plotted three hours into drinks at some dive club where Johns just got drunker and drunker scribbling down "what if" scenarios. "What if Batman sat in Metron's chair?" "What if Darkseid and an Amazon fucked?" "What if Superman turned evil and was able to do to Lex what he's always secretly wanted to non-sexually do to Lex?" "What if The Flash became Black Racer?" "What if the Anti-Monitor and Darkseid fought?" "What if Darkseid died!?" It's just a lot of ideas thrown into a story because Johns knew anybody reading it would go "Cool!" a whole bunch of times. That may sound like I'm saying these things in a derogatory manner! But I'm not! I mean, there isn't a whole lot here except a bunch of cool comic book moments. But isn't that, sometimes, enough? Isn't this exactly what comic books need? They need to be doing audacious things that aren't overly concerned with how the story will affect future continuity. The Justice League is the book where Geoff Johns is just allowed to do crazy shit that people will willingly pay $3.99 to read.

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