This is puppetist. Ferdie shouldn't be the symbol for The Ventriloquist. He should get his own symbol. Which would be a dildo.
I get the feeling that some people put so much effort into pointing out how horrible the show was going to be from the trailers that they're going to have a hard time backing off of that position and realizing the show was fun, upbeat, and has the potential for an onscreen Director Bones! Also Superman was portrayed better than he's been in a long time. Although Supergirl's adoptive parents being Superman and Supergirl weirded me out a bit.
What is the secret?!
I should also point out before I continue that having a difference of opinion with somebody who comments on my blog which then gets me to go off on a slight mini-rant is not an attack on that person at all, no matter how strange their lightning is. Huge Manga Wink! I had to add this statement because I don't get angry at anybody ever but any time I do some hyperbolic rant based on somebody else's opinions, they always seem to think I've become their nemesis or something. The internet has created a lot of thin skinned people so I have to be careful! I don't want to accidentally piss off any more of my fifteen readers.
Speaking of projecting all things in a written story onto the beliefs and attitudes of the writer, I hate Gail Simone for how she starts this story.
Gail Simone is a capraphobe (not to be mistaken for coprophobe (although she's probably that as well. Who isn't?!))
I just took a break to watch tonight's episode of The Flash. When Patty found the Man/Shark teeth, I texted my friend Xan, "I'm a shark! I'm a shark! I'm a shark! I'm a shark!" I'm disappointed King Shark was one-shot by Harrison when he finally appeared. I hope Yo-yo is already inside his stomach. Also, is it just me or do all Firestorm stories always have a gay subtext? This is an appropriate place to mention this since The Flash episode seemed like a backdoor pilot for a Firestorm show and since Gail Simone was co-writing the most gay subtexty Firestorm comic book that I've ever read. I can't think of the Firestorm Matrix as anything but the Slash Matrix now.
That goat that was abused by Simone earlier? It walked into a place called The House of Strangers. It's some kind of mystical outpost defending the world from whatever the universe has got. It's the kind of place where people like The Phantom Stranger, Deadman, and Felix Faust like to stash their mystic pornography. Sometimes they run into each other and embarrassingly engage in small talk which doesn't have anything to do with the weird things they were just doing with their dicks behind closed doors. Instead they act like they're protecting the world from ghosts and goblins.
Although sometimes they discuss their bodily emissions and aberrant behavior explicitly.
They don't always come here just to masturbate though. It is called The House of Strangers for a reason. When you can get anything you want via magic, sometimes it's just nice to suck the huge dick of some guy you don't know and will never ever see again. And then sometimes it's fun to get together with all of your famous friends and really ruin the carpet.
Everybody should really be topless here.
This convocation probably has something to do with Black Alice falling into a coma at the end of the last issue. That's an educated guess which most readers probably didn't make because most comic book readers aren't Grandmasters like I am. It takes a special kind of perceptive ability to remember that last issue ended with Black Alice (who is a magic user!) falling unconscious and then to realize that this issue probably begins at some point after that moment (or before! The convocation might be about how she keeps borrowing their powers!) and that the two are somehow linked. I know, I know! Most of you were just left going, "Der! How do dem stories work?! Duh!" But that's why I'm here to help make sense of them! You can trust you Uncle Tess! Or Aunt Tess. Whatever.
See? That something is a little girl, right?
Currently Black Alice is in the hospital confusing all of the doctors because those jerks spent their lives believing in science. Don't they know they're in a comic book?! Science is the last thing I'd believe in if the real world were like a comic book! Ralph is with her trying to pretend that Sue didn't just leave him for The Riddler.
The rest of the Secret Six are outside playing basketball. They're probably playing Jungle Rules. That means if the ball goes out of bounds and winds up on the grass, the game turns into a no holds barred wrestling match for possession of the ball.
I'm more concerned about the whereabouts of Shawna's cat than I am the arousal I'm feeling from seeing Ferdie's underwear.
On the next page, Strix knocks out Catman, takes the basketball up a tree, and proclaims herself winner. It's not the worst game of basketball I've ever witnessed. If this had been a professional game, I'm not even certain Strix would have been called for fouling or travelling if this were her home court.
Meanwhile back in The House of Strangers, the discussion has turned to murdering Black Alice. Apparently she's going through "arcane puberty" and it's a danger to the entire world. Well, if they're going to murder young girls for suddenly wanting to rub up against every door jam in the house, they'd better take a look at Batgirl because she's going mental from lack of penis. Although I think she might be getting some soon now that she's hanging around Luke Fox.
Jesus Christ, Alec! I'm currently drinking tea and now it tastes like scrotal sweat!
Zatanna is against killing Black Alice. Didn't she just read Gaiman's The Sandman: Overture? If they don't kill Black Alice now, they'll just have to try again two more times and then be forced to have a bunch of people dream up a new universe. Easier to just make an anonymous call to the Suicide Squad and then go wash your hands in the bowl Pontius Pilate used. I'm sure it's lying around the fortress somewhere.
Thank you, Gail, for rescuing Teekl from that horrible Nocenti universe that I'm currently paying a hypnotist hundreds of dollars per month to help me forget!
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Catman has regained consciousness and decides to take his mates to the weirdest mini-golf course in the world. It has 52 holes. They'd better all be themed on a different DC Comic book.
It is based on DC's comic books! Also, I will be writing an entire book of sonnets to Ferdie which people will study hundreds of years from now and refer to the subject of the sonnets as "The Dark Pervert."
And then Etrigan appears in a fart of sulfur. My guess is that he could please Black Alice sexually. Plus he's a demon so I don't think he's breaking any human laws by having sex with a minor (a sixteen year old minor! I'm not advocating he have sex with a two year old! Christ. Calm down! Maybe try to get angry about something that actually matters and not an idiotic blowhard writing about comic books on the internet!).
Etrigan seems to just be a distraction because back at the hospital, Cheetah, Faust, Klarion, and Black Orchid have come to visit Black Alice.
Or not a distraction? Etrigan trying to help? I bet that barn owl Madame Xanadu asked him nicely. And, yes, by asked, I mean rim jobbed.
Secret Six #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This has been my favorite comic book in the last month as long as you don't count some of the comic books I might have liked better in that time frame. I can't remember any offhand so I'm probably not exaggerating. It had a lot of my favorite components: Blue Devil, Teekl, Etrigan, Ferdie, Mini-golf, a ruined basketball game, a goat (even though it was abused), tea bag tea, a pipe that is also an hourglass, and King Shark. Okay, King Shark was just in tonight's episode of The Flash but I did watch that during a break from reading this, so I think that counts. This comic book is highly recommended by the best comic book reviewer on the internet, so you should probably read it. I won't say who the best comic book reviewer on the internet is but you can probably guess wrong until you guess me and then you'll be right.