Saturday, October 24, 2015

Justice League United #14

Is this a Jem and the Holograms tie-in?

I found a blog recently that is horrible. It's not trying to be horrible. But it is horrible anyway. Also it is not this blog, smart monkey. I do not want to say what blog it is because I only speak poorly of entertainers who charge me money for their product and, instead of entertaining me, pee all over my open mouth as I forget to shut it and then continue to pay for the service every month thereafter. Most of the time, I'm talking about metaphorical pee. But if anybody wants to try to guess what blog I mean, I will tell you if you get it right. It shouldn't be too hard to guess. How many blogs can there be on the internet? Like two dozen?

It really is terrible though. But that won't keep me from reading through every entry! Nothing makes you feel more alive and quite a bit more superior than the next chap than reading really terrible writing based on a fairly boring idea. Although I don't think the concept seems dumb to pop culture nerds. They probably think the site is smart and entertaining. But it's not!

Man! You really should check out this horrible blog! Generally, I'd shut up about it because I'm refusing to mention the URL. Everybody is probably thinking, "Why don't you shut up about it?!" Eventually I will, I suppose. Kant once said, "All false art, all vain wisdom, lasts its time but finally destroys itself, and its highest culture is also the epoch of its decay." What does that mean? I don't know! Sometimes I forget what I was trying to say. Does that ever happen to you? Oh! Maybe I should get to the comic book now?

The best part of Justice League United is the scene between Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage. Mostly it's the best part because I like Sgt. Rock and Vandal Savage. It's also the best part because Batgirl beats the crap out of Easy Company to help Vandal Savage escape! Doesn't she know she's supposed to be supporting the Americans?! Barbara Gordon is a communist!

And Stargirl takes succor from the enemy! Unless succor means something inappropriate and nasty.

Oh wait! I made a huge mistake! The best part of the comic book wasn't the part with Stupid Rock and Randall Scabbage at all! It's the part where the Creature Commandos appear with GI Zombie and GI Robot! They attack Cliff Steele and Steel for some reason. You'd think GI Robot would be all, "Beep beep beep! I'm feeling really uncomfortable with your actions, guys. Beep beep beep!"

Medusa makes me feel dizzy in my pants.

I'm telling you right now don't comment on this Critical Review with the obvious Medusa/Pants joke. I will not have my blog sullied by mediocrity! If you want mediocrity, figure out that other blog I mentioned earlier!

I could easily close out this Critical Review (maybe I should change the name of my blog to Grunion Guy's Critical Comic Book Reviews? That would probably garner fewer questions about the blog's name. Also it would clearly state the intention of this blog! If only I'd had an agent before setting foot in the world of high stakes comic book review sites) with picture after picture of Medusa and her Medusa Bosom and her Medusa Crotch and her Medusa Belly. I would look at that Critical Review and think, "That's a really satisfying look at Justice League United #14!" Then my penis would make a funny sound effect.

I think this is a lesson in not raping because the Germans probably would have won the war with Vandal Savage on their side and he only switched sides because of Commandant Rapist. It's always good to learn another reason why you shouldn't rape!

While Vandal and Batgirl try to contact the rest of the Justice League United, the Unknown Soldier creeps up and begins spying on them in the hopes that they're young lovers on a picnic about to have some pound cake with wine. They don't have any pound cake at all. Instead they're attacked by Germans. One German says, "Ahk!" That means "Oh shit! I got a Batarang in my eye!" in English. The other German says, "Sterben, Fledermaus Frau!" That means, "Surrender, flying mouse girl!" But then that guy steps on a landmine and Flying Mouse Girl doesn't have to surrender at all. But it does cause Vandal to laugh and say, "Krieg ist die Hölle, mien Freund." That means "Watch your step, my friend." The Unknown Soldier never comes out of hiding because he wants to remain anonymous.

A-ha! Maybe this is the sexy picnic the Unknown Soldier was searching for!

Back at the battle of the Creature Commandos, I can't even scan the shoulder mounted mortar gun that Frankenstein uses without embarrassing any ladies reading this. Medusa shows some more of her bosom as she tries to turn Cliff Steele to stone. But that doesn't work because he's a robot and his brain might even just be a reel of tape at this point. It's hard to tell how many bottoms New 52 Cliff Steele has hit up until this point. The Creature Commandos are no match for Steel and Robotman because they're not the heroes of this comic book (which is too bad). But their next opponent isn't going to be as easy to defeat!

Oh man! Another cock!

Justice League United #14 Rating: No change. It's a cavalcade of trademarks this issue! Most of DC's war comics over the last four years have been terrible so why not throw them all into one big chaotic story? It's really working! Plus this story has the original Sergeant Rock instead of that loser grandson of his DC tried to pawn off on its readers in Men of War. That was awful! As was GI Combat! And Star Spangled War Stories! Hopefully the next issue will reintroduce the Haunted Tank and the Nazi War Wheel!

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