Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #39 (November 1992)

A legend about all the previous legends?!

I am not, nor have I ever been, a nihilist. I am an atheist, an existentialist, an anarchist, and a raging cynic. And yet I've never been a nihilist. I mean, sure, the universe, and our existence within it, is meaningless. But that doesn't mean that we can't find our own meaning in our own existence. If this life is the only life we have, which I believe as an atheist, then we have to live it with the understanding that this life is also the only life every other person, animal, and creature have. To end another life is the easiest thing anybody can do and it's the ultimate wrong. If the universe exists based on our perception of it, meaning that while we observe a thing, that thing exists for the observer, then ending any observer is the destruction of an entire universe. I am flawed in that I, through laziness and denial, stopped being a vegetarian some years ago. I am flawed in that I sometimes kill bugs though I try not to because I grieve every time for their briefest of existences. I might sound weak or overly emotional or, perhaps, idiotic. But what I am not is violent or extremist or nihilistic. I used to believe most people were like me. They didn't want to hurt others. They were compassionate and kind and understood the value of living in a community and contributing to the peace and well being of that community. But now we are governed by monsters who have been deluded into thinking (or simply gleeful in deluding others) that those who understand the value of life and art and community are violent monsters who want them dead. But what we really want is to live our lives without constantly being persecuted or attacked or judged. The world we want to build would benefit even those who hate us. If they were still angry and resentful even while their lives were made better, I wouldn't care. I am not like them. They would burn the world down so that people they despise for no reason at all will be ostracized from it. They are the most unhappy of people although they believe they are kind and compassionate and humorous. But they are only those things within small, strict sets of conditions: toward family, toward friends, toward people who look like them. They hold that image of themselves deep in their heart while they hate and despise and hurt those whose lives they believe don't matter.

They're welcome to live in the Hell they've created for themselves while patting themselves on the back for being so strong and intimidating. We're all just going to continue to enjoy life and live the best we can while they seethe at their inability to scare and control us. We will dance while they grind their teeth in anger and resentment. We will thrive as they rot. We won't even need to rise for they will sink. They are decomposing as we watch, so mad at the phantoms they have created, so ready to murder anybody who will not bow to their terms. They are despicable; we are whimsical. They are a dead end; we are a starry sky. They putrefy; we flower. And they can suck my motherfucking hog!

Let's get to Batman!

Hey Bats! Your arrested development is showing!

This isn't something a grown man does without being a total authoritarian douche. And even though this reeks of the graffiti I saw earlier tonight here in Portland that read "ACAB also means Batman", I know he's way more compassionate and justice focused than authoritarians. But doing this shit? He's just a lonely but imaginative eight year old boy with a towel tied around his neck sitting on the top of the fence overlooking his family's front yard. Batman should be more of a "Gotham's our city" kind of guy, understanding that he isn't above the law-abiding citizens who just want to not be mugged on the way to and from work. Or shot in an alley after seeing a movie.

I understand Batman's a bit of a control freak with severe unprocessed trauma from his childhood, so I can't see him as an authoritarian, no matter how much Bryan Talbot wants him to look like one here. He's just got a major bat boner for Gotham and he wants the best for it. Now if a member of the Court of Owls was perched on a high stone wall thinking these thoughts, I'd be all, "Boo! Hiss! Get fucked!"

Batman's on patrol which means those thoughts he's having are probably just to entertain himself from the boredom of this night's uneventful patrol. "I am your Bat God! I see all from the heights! I rule completely!" But just as he's ready to call it a night, he finds some guy's breaking into a warehouse. He recognizes they're amateurs which gets him really excited because he won't be risking his life in a confrontation. Also, he'll get to play with them a bit as he scares them straight.

Yeesh. I take back everything I said previously. Only a right evil dick would end this encounter with "No need for excessive violence."

Aside from four issues of The Dreaming, the two issues comprising this Legends of the Dark Knight story are all the writing Bryan Talbot has done for DC (that I know of by checking the DC Wiki Fandom site. If I'm wrong it's because of them!). I mention this because I don't think Talbot has a great handle on Batman and who he is. I should blame the editors as well for allowing this scene especially since Batman runs into a cop as he takes these three victims out of the alley and tells the cop that their crime was "only an attempted break-in". Batman breaks bones and nearly paralyzes one of the guys for attempting to steal somebody's property. How is putting three guys in the hospital less of a crime than three guys failing to jimmy their past a roll-up door?

I get that this is the Batman a certain type of person wants to see. Too many people want to be Batman in this situation. They want any excuse to maim or kill somebody else. They daydream about this shit. If they didn't, you'd have far less examples of people shooting shoplifters in the back as they run from a store. When is somebody's life worth less than a stolen good? Get your minds right, you monsters! That includes you, Bryan Talbot's Batman!

Perhaps they'll think twice next time when they also have twice the reason to rob a place because now they're not just trying to feed their families but have a ton of medical debt too!

I know, I know! Random criminals don't commit crime in Gotham out of desperation. I think that's an editorial rule at DC! The only time a character's poverty causes them to commit crime in Gotham, Batman somehow realizes it and helps them out. If Batman beats the shit out of them and throws them into the system, you know they were just lazy no-goodnicks looking for a quick score.

As Batman hands off the "criminals", he hallucinates the officer's face melting. Then he feels dizzy and weak. He stumbles off into an alley and throws up. At that point, everything changes. It's time for another Batman hallucination story, I guess!

Oh! I remember this one because Buffy the Vampire Slayer did their version of it as well. Batman wakes up in a hospital as Bruce Wayne, alcoholic bum who dresses in a dime store bat costume pretending he's more than he really is. The doctors are fucking sick of him.

I've experienced a slightly less intense version of this idea once after having taken a shitload of shrooms!

I had complete ego loss one time when on shrooms. I was in the parking lot of a strip joint in San Jose. I had left the club because the DJ knew the friend I was there with and he kept referencing my friend as we sat at the back of the club. Every time he'd say something like "Punky Boy is in the house!", he'd direct people's attention to our table. I couldn't handle the paranoia of everybody randomly looking at us at the same time every now and again, especially since the sound around me was so stretched out that I didn't always catch the DJ referencing our group. Eventually I told my friend I had to leave and he was all, "Are you going to chop someone's head off?" And I just said I'll wait outside. While waiting, time stretched out to weeks, months, years. I began to believe that I was a homeless person who had only made up the life of the actual me, one where I would be traveling to Japan and China soon, one where I would be going cross country in my VW Bus before that, all so that I didn't have to live in my despair and failure. At the same time, Jupiter kept following me and some good old boys went around the parking lot watching me about 5000 times. Eventually my friends came out of the club and I was all, "Whew! I am me!" Probably the only time in my life I felt relieved by that revelation.

A psychiatrist observes and interviews Bruce while he's staying in the hospital, explaining to the lunatic exactly what he's suffering from.

Is this the same thing Christopher Robin was suffering from?

So was the beginning of the story where Batman went super fascist on some guys breaking into a store part of Batman's delusion? It's reasonable to think so, especially if you don't want to think of Batman as brutal as he appeared when the story started. Perhaps he was already drugged by whichever one of his villains drugged him (Scarecrow? Is it finally the Scarecrow? Or is all this therapy shit pointing toward Hugo Strange?) when the story began and when he began to feel dizzy and sick in the hallucination, that was when Batman was trying to fight off the drugs. So then he was drugged some more to drag him deeper into the delusion.

Also, this story could be true and all the other stories false. Which is how my cousin decided to view the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode in which Buffy's entire life as a Slayer was a delusion as she was locked in an asylum. My cousin felt that story ruined the entire series because, for some reason, she decided to believe just that one episode as the truth as opposed to it being a trick by one of Buffy's enemies. But it probably isn't true because Bill Kaplan, the editor, writes, at the end of the letters page, "We couldn't possibly print a story that undermines over fifty years of Batman stories, could we? Could we?" If he only asked once, I might suspect this is a true story. But by asking twice, I know he's kidding around. Right? RIGHT?!?

Anyway, this issue ends with Batman's nurse whispering to him to believe in himself so he does. He breaks out of the restraints in bed, gets dressed in his costume, and jumps out the window.

I hope my cousin Jasmine never read this story which completely ruins Batman forever. And killing him to boot, I guess?

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #39 Rating: A-. Was this the first time I encountered this sort of story causing doubt in the overall structure of the story presented up until this point? Maybe. Did The Muppet Babies ever have this kind of existential crisis about their identities? Wasn't there a Gamma World module that caused the players to question everything they thought was true about their apocalyptic surroundings? I never did play Paranoia or else this entire closing section would have read, "Oh wait. I played Paranoia! This is old hat to me!" Also replace Paranoia with Thomas Pynchon if I'd been a well-read teenager instead of a teenager who read fucking Xanth books. Ugh. What a despicable loser I was! Speaking of Xanth books, I should post my Xanth book reviews on my blog!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #38 (October 1992)

Alan Grant? Kevin O'Neill? The only thing this issue is missing is a cover by Simon Bisley!

Okay, fine. This issue is missing two things. The other one is the magical scent of Alan Moore's flatulence wafting from it as you flip through the pages. I meant magical literally there. The actual scent, I imagine, would cause the Irish to close their borders and start up The Troubles II. When I see a book jacket with a portrait of Alan Moore on it, I do not think, "There's a guy whose farts go unnoticed!"

The first page of this comic book proclaims that it is not an imaginary story. At first I thought that was as literal as the magic spell Alan Moore's ass can cast which I mentioned earlier. But it's not being said by the narrator or the creative team. It's spoken by a speed freak being interrogated by Batman.

Life is a tale told by a speed freak. Full of sound and Bat Mites, signifying you just threw away a buck seventy-five.

Batman doesn't pop pills. He gets his kicks once or twice a year by sucking down as much Scarecrow gas as humanly possible and then tripping his balls off while pretending he has a Viking best friend. My hypothesis is that Batman sets Crane free a few times a year just to get his fix of that fear gas.

Overdog, the guy telling Batman his incredible tale which hasn't been incredible yet because he hasn't gotten to the part where he took the mescaline, tells Batman an incredible tale about robbing a drug czar and stealing all of his drugs and money and also some mescaline. He and his pales Stone and Petite Pete down tons of drugs immediately. But first they have to torture the drug lord to death so that he'll tell them where the drugs are. Batman doesn't arrive on the scene until after the guy is dead because why would Batman want to save a criminal from other criminals? He's pretty much on the record in this series as approving of criminals being killed by other criminals. Don't try to explain to Batman how some of the "criminals" being killed on the streets of Gotham are just desperately poor people who have fallen on hard times and just want to provide for their family. If you try to explain that to Bruce Wayne, he'll stick his fingers in his bat ears and yell, "La la la Ayn Rand Ayn Rand la la la!"

Batman captures Petite Pete and Stone but Overdog gets away just as the mescaline kicks in. So that bit about this not being an imaginary story? Take that with a hallucinogenic grain of salt.

Are drugs the post-Crisis explanation of the fifth dimensional beings? When Supes sees Mxyzptlk, is it because Kryptonite has hallucinogenic properties?

I'm not bothering to look up the spelling of Mxy's name so I either nailed it or I didn't. Besides, aren't there two different spellings of it? Pre-Crisis and Post-Crisis? Or some other vague delimiter of the DC Universe?

Overdog explains to Batman that he saw the creature we all know as Bat-Mite. Batman gives a look that means either "You've got to be fucking kidding me" or "I just sharted."

Isn't talking to a peyote button while high on mescaline the drug equivalent of a hat on a hat?

Unlike Mxyzptlk, Bat-Mite (I think?) just wants to hang around Batman and help him catch criminals. Mxy's a fucking little fucker who's into pranking, the absolute worst "fun" activity a person can be into. It might not be a hot take to blame Candid Camera for people loving pranks but I do blame it. If Candid Camera hadn't constantly done the lamest, most boring pranks, people wouldn't have gotten the idea that they were fun and good-natured. If Allen Funt had come out going full Jackass on the American public, pranks would have been shut down forever. Prankster would have become pariahs instead of assholes who somehow get to keep being assholes because they ended their terrorizing of the victim with "It was all a joke! Ha ha! Look at how much piss you made!"

Overdog runs into some friends with guns and asks them to murder Bat-Mite in exchange for some of his new stash of drugs. They pull out their guns faster than you can say, I don't know, how fast can people pull out guns? I don't want to say a phrase that doesn't ring true to people who know exactly how fast a gun can be pulled out. What I'm trying to say is they really fucking want some drugs so they all start shooting Bat-Mite. But Bat-Mite, being an imp from the fifth dimension, is basically a Looney Tunes character. So instead of being riddled full of holes, he turns into a monster.

What? Of course I'm not currently thinking about how veiny his little imp cock is.

Maybe I should limit how often I mention the cocks of the comic book characters. It'll be difficult but it might result in some new jokes.

What follows after Bat-Mite turns into a monstrous demon are several pages of absolute 2000 AD-inspired gore. Using Men-in-Black tactics, Bat-Mite lets Overdog live to take the blame for the murders. He also somehow manipulates space-time so all the people killed horrifically by him were later seen as having been shot with regular old bullets. I say "somehow" because how else am I supposed to grasp or explain the powers of an imp from the Fifth Dimension? I can't even comprehend a tesseract from one dimension lower!

Bat-Mite decides to take Overdog on a trip to Bat-Mite's world where everybody LARPs as DC heroes and villains. I don't know why he does that. Bat-Mite says it's to teach Overdog a lesson but it seems it's more just to explain away Bat-Mite as a drug-induced delusion.

Most of these Mites chose cool heroes and villains to dress up as. And then there's Aqua-Mite. Loser.

Obviously I love Etrigan-Mite and Lobo-Mite and Swamp-Mite and Creeper-Mite and Dead-Mite and Spectre-Mite. But I've got a soft spot for Captain Cold-Mite because I kind of was him when I threw a big gaming convention for my friends in 2002.

Here's the schedule for Saturday night!


And here I am as Captain Cold at the Super Hero Costume Ball hanging out with Captain Bowling!

You've probably never heard of Captain Bowling because he basically just existed in one Statistics class at Mission College in like 1991 or something. I was at Mission College to re-establish residency after having gone to Portland State University for a year. My cousin (Captain Bowling in the picture) was at Mission College trying to seriously earn credits for a degree. We did not do well in that class because we were too busy writing Captain Bowling with his sidekick 7-Pin comics.

After Bat-Mite shows Overdog all the cool stuff in his world, he gets around to showing Overdog the lesson he's supposed to learn because Bat-Mite took a shine to him, I guess.

Maybe Bat-Mite just took a shine to Overdog's headband. Isn't that his usual chest emblem?

Overdog represents and as he apologizes profusely, he comes down out of his drug-induced paranoia and sees Batman approaching. He promises to never hurt anybody ever again. Batman turns him over to the police where Overdog faces trial and winds up committed to Arkham Asylum. That's where Batman is interviewing him. But no matter how much Overdog pleads with Batman to be lenient and how much he convinces him he's repented of his ways, Batman, a true bureaucrat, shrugs his shoulders and says, "Nothin' I can do, buddy! Court decided it. You're crazy, mate!" And so Bob Overdog is left to rot in Arkham Asylum never to be heard from again. Except for when he returns in Batman: Mitefall. I don't think I own that. I'd better keep an eye out for it!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #38 Rating: A. Drugs, imps, and trying to make sense of DC's fucked up early history of printing nonsense stories? All written by Alan Grant and drawn by Kevin O'Neill? What's not to fucking love?!

Multiversity: Teen Justice #1 (August 2022)

I made it to 2025 before I could say, "Robin gave me a boner."

I'm going to assume that the "teen" in Teen Justice means "thirty-three". And you fucking are too! And also Brec Bassinger was 21 when she starred in The WB's Stargirl so it wasn't at all inappropriate when I was thinking ... well, never you mind what I was thinking! I'll admit it was gross and problematic but I'm no Slade Wilson! At least I was Terra's age, if not maturity, when I was thinking, "I want Terra to put my pee-pee in her girl pee-pee!" If anything, I'm more like Lobo. I only bang consenting adults and space dolphins. Like Lobo, if I ever do anything inappropriate, it's probably because I'm alien and don't understand Earth culture and also I'm amoral. Also like Lobo, I would never commit genocide unless it was planetary genocide. I think as long as it's the total destruction of everybody on the planet, it's less morally repugnant than ethnic cleansing. Come on! We've all had fantasies of being the only person left on Earth and going through other people's abandoned houses and reading their diaries and trying on their lady underwear. Haven't we?

This is the final issue that I bought for $1 at a garage sale about a month ago (not counting Not All Robots #2 which I can't read until I get the rest of Mark Russell's series). If I enjoy it, I guess I'll have to track down the rest. But I couldn't pass it up because I just can't help but love any comic book cover with the 52 rainbow universes down the side. Why don't they do it with every DC book? It would make everything so clear! I wouldn't have to wonder if there were three Jokers in the book I'm currently reading. Or why Robin is hot. Or why Batman needs to drink blood on the daily. I mean nightly. Couldn't it also work with the Absolute titles and all the other shit DC is currently doing? Just stick all the stories in different universes and make it clear which one the story takes place in with this rainbow spine!

The only issue I have with this issue before reading it is that it's not written by Grant Morrison. It's possible the little rainbow numbers are less the reason I love these Multiversity covers and more because they're supposed to have a Grant Morrison story within them.

Our story begins on Earth-11, the Gender-Swapped Earth. That's why I finally found Robin hot! The joke wasn't "Oh look! I think a teenager is sexy!" The joke was "Oh look! It took until I was in my fifties to find Robin the Boy Wonder attractive!" No wait. That's not a better explanation! Here, look at this panel so the part of your brain that enjoys looking at things takes over from the part of your brain that thinks about things!

I made it to 2025 before I could say, "Klarion the Witch Boy gave me a boner."

What's happening is H.I.V.E. is attacking downtown Earth-11 Major City looking for the lady version of Silas Stone and Teen Justice are trying to stop them while 75% of their concentration is focused on banter. A girl with purplish hair has just arrived from Earth-11 Rural Town to live the city life where dumb yokels won't make fun of her colored hair or her lip ring or her sexual maturity. I hope she's not the lady version of Danny Chase. If she is, I'm going to carefully tear out every page of this comic book, roll them up really tight, and sound the fuck out of my pee hole. Then I'm going to hum into the other end until the resonance makes my kidneys explode. As I bleed out, I'll smile and mutter, "I win, Lady Danny Chase. I don't have to read about you."

The new girl's name is Georgia but she goes by Gigi. Now who on The-Usual-Old-Genders Earth is named George? I don't think anybody so it can't be figured out.

Oh shit! I was so into Brother Blood when I was younger that my prostate will probably explode when I see Sister Blood!

While Gigi goes about doing whatever the fuck she's doing that's so important that this issue is called "The New Girl in Town", Teen Justice speak with Dr. Stone. She's working on, um, teleportation, I think, so she suspects that's what H.I.V.E. is after. As Aquagirl and Supergirl discuss it, the entire concept of Gender-Swapped Earth begins to unravel.

So am I supposed to believe that bee hives are run by kings? Or that the gender-swapping laws of this Earth don't give a fuck about logic?

There's always a third choice, I guess: most of the characters presenting as ladies have dicks and the ones presenting as male have the opposite of dicks. I don't like typing the word for "opposite of dicks" because it makes me too horny. I don't know if this third possibility makes any sense in the context of Gender-Swapped Earth but then having a King Bee run H.I.V.E. has short-circuited my logic neurons.

Raven shows up to secretly investigate too even though he's not part of the team. Troy notices him with his super-see-invisible powers and tries to suck his dick. Raven is all, "Look, I want you to suck my dick but I'm pretty sure my super rapey mother will try to kill you and your friends. So, maybe pass?" But Troy, like just about every other guy in existence, is all, "That sounds like an even trade."

And then Sister Blood makes an appearance and my prostate does the opposite of explode. It shrivels into a wrinkled little raisin. Now I can't blast my load on anybody! It's just going to dribble out like a sad turtle weeping.

I guess it was sexist of me to expect Sister Blood to be even more flamboyant than Brother Blood. But this? Ugh. Boring!

Gigi is in the audience. Did she come to join the church for the free food and shelter and mass killings? Or did she break the first law of moving to the city from rural America: don't become friends with the first asshole who tries to befriend you. That's because that person is either going to be a crook or a loser. And you don't want to kill your new city life by becoming friends with a loser! You can deal with being friends with a crook though. That could wind up being a toss up for your reputation. But even worse than both of those: a religious nut!

Later, Robin and Supergirl fuck up protecting S.T.A.R. Labs. They're defeated by Thunder and Lightning who manage to steal Dr. Stone's data. But that's not important right now! What's important is the Church of Blood and maybe seeing if Sister Blood isn't wearing something as fantastic as Brother Blood's get-up under her boring robe. Maybe something that accentuates her nipples and her pubis?

Teekl! I'm glad Cohen and Lore didn't pull the whole Red Dwarf idea of gender-swapping cats with dogs!

I know that, technically, Red Dwarf's universal law of gender swapping wasn't that dogs are the opposite gender of cats. It was more that Lady Lister just liked dogs while Laddie Lister was into cats. Also because it was funnier to have Cat be all hot and horny for a Lady Cat and being confronted with a stupid Dog.

As I was saying before I was distracted by Teekl, Raven has come to Teen Justice to let them know that the world is threatened by the Church of Blood. Not that Raven knows what I'm about to say but they're kidnapping people who have come to them for help and family! They're being placed in holding pens while only a select few at the sermon have been chosen as Initiates, Gigi being one of them. It also turns out that Thunder and Lightning stole Doctor Stone's data for Sister Blood. So I guess H.I.V.E. was just a distraction. It would have been better to leave them out of it because my brain still hurts from the idea of a King Bee.

Anyway, forget H.I.V.E.! There's a panel where Sister Blood's robe is hanging over a changing stall which means we're going to get to see what outrageous look she was hiding from her disciples!

Boo! That's even worse than the robe! I want the Church of Blood not the Green Lantern Corps!

The other woman in the panel is Kilowog because I guess Kilowog is both a boy and a girl name.

Multiversity: Teen Justice #1 Rating: B. Sure, it was decent. One dollar decent, of course! I don't know about five dollars decent! It was better than most every Teen Titans story I ever read though because they're trying to stop criminals from doing crime instead of just battling their family. I might pick up the other issues if they're cheap enough since I'll probably be heading to the comic book store later today to pick up DC KO #1. Plus I'm going to the Frankenstein Comic Swap later this month (probably!) so maybe I can find the other issues for super cheap there. There was a reprinted New Year's story at the end but I don't think I need to comment on reprints. What if I eventually get the original?! I have to save my rambling for then! Although I will provide y'all with one panel.

See? Teen adjacent! Meaning "thirty three"!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #37 (September 1992)

This cover looks like some project Glenn Fabry would have done in Year 7.

This cover also looks like one of those '90s Personality Comics of Bon Jovi. I owned the Christina Applegate issue.

Man, I hope I still have this in one of my short boxes!

Currently on my down time, I'm reading the collected Fire & Ice: Welcome to Smallville and it's fucking adorable. As some of you may know, there are two things I want in my comic books: adorableness and Lobo's erect cock. I never get the latter one so I'm super happy when I get the former. One of the reasons this series is so fucking adorable and whimsical and cute and all the things that I just love in a comic book is — and maybe this is sexist — that it's written by a woman, Joanne Starer. I understand guys can also write entertaining and adorable women — just read all of my early Batgirl entries — but they often just don't feel realistic. Every woman written by a man is just a man's stupid idea of how women act and think. It's possible a guy would have written the following scene but, if he had, it just wouldn't feel as authentic and innocent but also sexy. It would seem lewd and manipulative and dirty! I should know because I'm picturing it that way and my dick is nodding its approval!

I should also exclaim loudly how much Natacha Bustos' art and Tamra Bonvillain's colors add to the cuteness of this comic book. Just superb. A+ stuff here.

As you can see by the cover, this story is called "Mercy". It begins like this: "THIS IS A STORY ABOUT MERCY." I had to put that in all caps like the lettering in the comic book otherwise I'd have to editorialize on whether or not the "M" in "MERCY" should be capitalized or not. The image that goes along with that caption is either Batman getting his tooth knocked out or just a shot of his testicles.

Blogger gonna try to censor this post now!

Look, Blogger. If it's good enough for the Comics Code Authority, it's good enough for the fucking Internet.

After turning the page, I discover the story is also about "revenge, justice, and fighting for yourself." So it's just like every other Batman story? At least from Batman's point of view. I guess the difference this time is that the point of view will be Mercy's and she won't let Batman fight for her.

Enter Mercy! She's going to fight for herself!


Exeunt Mercy. On a stretcher.

Mercy's partner was killed because Batman let a hotshot hot cop he was crushing on talk him out of saving the day. Also the Cossack got away to punch Batman in the testicles later on the first page.

Batman visits Mercy in the hospital and begins grooming her as a new Robin. I don't think he thinks that's what he's doing but then he's never seen a therapist (unless you count Hugo Strange which you really fucking shouldn't) so how would he know? I suppose you don't have to see a therapist to self-reflect. It's just that some people refuse to self-reflect even when 0 of their 357 friends on Facebook don't like or comment on a terrible Ayn Randian clip about how Democrats are the real racists because they didn't end slavery and also they did civil rights. It's like, um, read the room, buddy. The Republicans are invading US cities and you're trying to convince people that your party isn't the racist party? "Hey, guys! Our new authoritarian overlords aren't the racist ones! The party that isn't standing up to them are the racists!" Did you think your "Gotcha Video!" would make people who don't even fucking love the Democratic party stand up and applaud you while commenting, "You know what? You're right! I never thought of it this way! I'm a Republican now!" I think it's self-reflection time. Unless you think your 357 friends and family just, um, I don't know, unfollowed or blocked you long ago? Maybe he just targeted the video to me and I was his entire audience! If so, I'm glad I called him crazy to his face that one time when he was upset that Marvel was publishing a comic book about a Muslim character. Man, he was fucking raving about that. And then I was all, "So you don't think the Muslim writer should write a Muslim character?" And then he was all, "Oh, I didn't know the writer was Muslim." And I was all, "You're fucking crazy." And it kind of ruined the day. Can you imagine? I ruined the day for calling him crazy but the day was just fine while he spouted off with his paranoid bullshit about Marvel's anti-Christian agenda! This world sucks.

I think the main problem was that I felt bad for calling him crazy but he didn't feel bad for being crazy.

Batman trains Mercy to be the best fighter she can be. But then she betrays him by not becoming another Robin. Instead, she ghosts him to pursue her own brand of justice. And revenge. And fighting for herself. But probably not mercy because that's just her name.

She means she's going to kill him, Batman! Mercy ain't gonna show no gosh-danged mercy!

Let me guess: Batman convinces Mercy to show mercy by the end? Or maybe Batman is forced to kill Mercy and save the Cossack! Alternatively, maybe they just have sex. I mean Batman and Mercy, not Batman and the Cossack. Although, look, either way is fine with me. I just don't think DC in 1992 would have done it.

Eventually Mercy kills one of her opponents in the underground fights and she becomes depressed and lost and drunk. Batman tries to talk with her about it but what can a man who beats people for her? "You need to beat them softer"?

Batman loses track of her after that. Which seems weird because doesn't Batman love keeping tabs on everybody? This is a mistake, right? I mean by Batman and not by the writers. What I mean is the writers purposefully had Batman make a mistake that could cost Mercy her life because, once again, he trusted that she'd be okay. First she nearly died while her partner did die because Batman thought she could take care of herself. Then Batman trained her to be a great fighter because he thought it would help her take care of herself. But then she grew exceedingly violent and accidentally killed a man and became super depressed. So that's when Batman stops watching out for her? He puts her trust in her two times and it doesn't work out either time. So he's going to trust that she'll be all right now that she's suicidal?! I guess that's why these stories are "legends". They're times Batman had to learn something important which serves him well in his regular title.

Look at them! Look at Batman's hairy chin balls!

I know I sort of made fun of the cover and keep pointing out how Batman's chin looks like his scrotum but I'd like to make one thing clear: I'm really enjoying Colin MacNeil's interior art. It's got a sort of style that I could see being used in a long, definitive run of Batman that would have been celebrated for decades. It just feels like Batman and Gotham and darkness and desperation. Now the cover? Did not like. At all. But the interior? Very much good like. Not bad hate.

When Batman finally does catch up to Mercy, it's by accident: he sees a live feed of the 1992 version of the Dark Web where a contest known as "The Blood Pit" airs. It's like the underground bare-knuckle fights but better because it's to the death on purpose. I say "better" because this is a comic book and I like to see people die in comic books. It's fun! If this were a real Dark Web contest, I absolutely wouldn't watch it. Mostly because I don't know how to get on the Dark Web.

Batman sees Mercy is in trouble and rushes to where the Blood Pit takes place. He knows where it takes place because it's been on his radar for a while now but he didn't give a shit. If two roided out thugs wanted to beat the life out of each other, what was that to him? Other than the fact that he hates murder and non-Batman violence. But this time, he has empathy for one of the contestants. He doesn't stop to think, "Hey, if a person I like whom I know has stumbled and her life fell apart which caused her to risk her life in The Blood Pit, maybe other innocent people whose lives just spiraled out of control might be dying in this thing. Maybe I should have stopped it much earlier!" He might think that but Abnett and Lanning don't let us see those introspective thoughts because it would derail the current narrative. The narrative currently barreling down the intended rails is that Mercy is losing a death fight to the Cossack! And Batman's got to stop it from happening!

"Alternatively, Mercy's a big girl. She knows what she was doing. Maybe let her sleep in her own medicine this time," is a thing I would be saying if I were Batman right now.

Batman, not a coward like me, throws in twenty thousand dollars he stole from the guy who runs the game earlier that night to be considered an actual combatant. Mercy crawls from the arena, I guess, as the new Death Pit match takes place: Batman vs. Cossack.

A few pages later, Batman has lost. Or he's faking losing and the fight was just to give Mercy a chance to catch her breath, right? If so, it worked perfectly! Just as the Cossack is about to kill Batman, Mercy steps back into the ring.

Oh wait. It doesn't work perfectly at all because the Cossack immediately kills Mercy.

You notice how I didn't complain about Cossack's right arm in that first panel? It's because I figured Batman dislocated it.

Batman takes advantage of the interruption to his fight much better than Mercy did. He defeats Cossack but refused to kill him. As he picks up Mercy to carry her into the sewers to bury her, the GCPD crash through the wall in a tank and arrest everybody. They saw Batman's fight on the same live feed that Batman saw Mercy on after Batman reported the location to the cops earlier. Being that they're all corrupt, they don't mind when Batman takes his winnings along with Mercy's body. Or maybe he just uses his own money at the end when he discovers that Mercy had entered the Death Pit battle not to get revenge on the Cossack but to earn some cash for the widow and children of the man she killed. Batman discovers this because Mercy left a message on the Bat Answering Machine explaining why she was going to be dead soon.

Poor Mercy. If only she'd chosen to become the next Robin, she wouldn't have had to die. And maybe Tim Drake would have been forgotten and I never would have had to read any story about Tim Drake written by James Tynion IV! I mourn the loss of that world and that happier version of me!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #37 Rating: B+. This was a nice one-shot story. Competently told with all the nice little literary ball and cup tricks that keep the thematic line running clearly through the entire story. And the art was mostly really well done! Stupid Cossack and his wonky arm trying to make me look like a dumb jerk! Did he ever come back as a Batman nemesis?

I just did my own research like a true Internet moron (but better because I actually did it instead of seeking out confirmation bias videos on CrazyTube) and learned the Cossack never appeared again. In a world where Grant Morrison brings back every character or costume ever referenced in a Batman story, I am disappoint.

Justice League of America Wedding Special #1 (November 2007)

Take one look at this cover and you can instantly guess why I bought it. Yep! Dwayne McDuffie!

When I first found this issue at a garage sale a few weeks back, I first thought this was a wedding between Wonder Woman and Black Canary. Okay, maybe "thought" is the wrong word; "hoped" is more like it. But then I was wondering, "Why is Superman the only guy on the cover?" But now I've just noticed the cake and am assuming this is the Hen Do (or as my boring country call it: a bachelorette party) and Superman is the stripper. Wonder Woman's almost certainly not getting married so this must be a big Green Arrow/Black Canary affair. Or maybe Babs is marrying Dick? I have no idea who was fucking whom in the DC Universe in 2007.

This issue is also marked as "Countdown 33" along the UPC symbol so I guess it's part of the lead up to, um, something? Infinite Crisis? 52? Oh wait. Final Crisis, right? What happened in that one? Did Geoff Johns appear on panel and say, "I think we've had enough of these crises. Let's never do anything like this again." And then the final page was a close up of his face as he's winking.

The issue begins at some kind of anti-wedding where The Joker has a definite in-canon boner.

We can't see it but if a heterosexual man is staring at a large feline's tits with the possibility that it could lead to getting his throat slashed, he's got a boner.

Sometimes I make sweeping generalizations about men because I assume we all think alike. I probably shouldn't do that because it makes me sound like a fucking Men's Right Activist who thinks just because he has the most horrible misogynistic thoughts that every male has them. Although I think I'll stand by the assumption I made in that caption. No way does it just describe me and my boners!

I wonder which Joker this is? It's important to my concept of the stupid fucking idea that there have always been three Jokers and the small things that differentiate them. Which one uses the term "funbags" when referring to women?

Yes, I understand that when this was written, only one Joker existed. But if DC wants me to be a huge continuity nerd, they need to allow me to retcon all of their retcons into every single thing I read by them. Also, I don't know about all of their retcons so is there only one Joker now? Maybe six Jokers? I don't know! I'm working with limited knowledge here, funbags!

Dwayne McDuffie may be dead but he still has the power to get me slapped when I go out into the world tomorrow and start liberally calling women "funbags". Does The Joker consider women "funbags" because they're just flesh bags of blood and guts waiting for him to slice up? Or is it because they're "fun" in sleeping "bags"? Oh no! I just realized he meant Cheetah's tits!

Lex, The Joker, and Cheetah are discussing members for a new Injustice League. Lex suggests Dr. Light and Cheetah responds with "He's a rapist and a murderer." Also a pedophile, no? But Lex has a rejoinder to that:

This is why he's the smartest man on Earth.

Cheetah is so won over by Lex's argument that she excitedly adds Dr. Light's photo to the recruitment folder.

I know I just scanned in a pic but she looks so adorable when she's excited about letting a child murdering rapist on the team!

I just noticed something else so forgive another scan so soon. Or does this many scans with far less of my rambling bullshit make for a better review? No, no! Don't tell me!

Lex has an Infinity Gauntlet?

Well now that I've scanned nearly every bit of art from the first three pages, I should turn the page and maybe scan all the other pages in? Would you want that? Just have me shut up and just pirate the entire comic? Hmm. I bet you would.

Cheetah adds Dr. Light's picture to a pile of villains that I'm assuming they're going to try to recruit: Prankster, Eclipso, Atrocitus or the Anti-Monitor or, um, fuck if I know. Some guy with a big red angry face.

Fuck it. Fine! Here's page four as well without any lewd commentary from me since Dwayne and Mike have done all the lewd commentary themselves by making the strippers Marvel characters.

Who's the broke-ass guy unable to pay the strippers? Blue Beetle?

The guy who thought Ollie would love a bunch of Marvel strippers only to learn at the last second that Ollie is super gay is Hal Jordan. The other guy helping to prepare the party is Speedy so you know it's going to get fucking wild. Or is everybody fucked up on heroin in a hotel room the opposite of wild? Everyone just sort of passes out blissfully and then can't shit for eight days, right?

Roy points out that the hotel is surrounded by paparazzi who have been tipped off about Oliver Queen's bachelor party. Probably by Lex Luthor. Nobody can attend without risking their secret identities being exposed so they move the party to the Hall of Justice where Batman and John Stewart are already preparing the spiked punch and sex-toy-filled piñata. Because Batman already knew this was going to happen. Hal's annoyed that Batman's so smart and he's so stupid but then again Hal's always fucking annoyed with something. That's probably why Parallax was able to make a nice cushy home in his head for so long.

Later at the party, Ollie's a dick and John's stupid.

John's stupid because even though he did do the decorations, Ollie's compliment has to be sarcastic being that the only fucking decoration is a banner that reads, "Congratulations Ollie You Gay Bro Where Are The Strippers?"

Sorry, I take back everything I said. There seem to be a smattering of green and white balloons. About seven in total across the entire fucking Hall of Justice. Maybe Ollie really loves a minimalist look. He does shoot arrows, after all. How much more minimalist can a hero get?

As the party really gets rocking with exciting stuff like Red Tornado listening to Guy Gardner brag about who the fuck knows what and Oberon trying to avoid Plastic Man, Oliver Queen gets called gay by somebody other than me.

Try to ignore that the letterer fucked up and made Ollie say Roy's dialogue. Just pay attention to 2007's Connor Hawke's '80s insult using a scale from the '40s.

Pretty sure if McDuffie had wanted to write Connor's dialogue more realistically and less hilariously and academically and intelligently, he should have had him just say, "You gay, bro." Like on the banner!

For some reason there's a "meanwhile" that doesn't concern Black Canary or Green Arrow's party. Instead it's about Firestorm walking into a trap set by Killer Frost.

Killer Frost is all, "Fuck the funbags window. I'm going for an outer thigh window! And maybe a large hunk of my ass to boot!"

This comic came out in 2007. At that time, it's been four years since I'd read a DC comic book. So I have no idea why Jason Rusch is Firestorm with a woman named Gehenna in his head. Lex Luthor, The Joker, and Cheetah interrupt Firestorm and Killer Frost's fight. They do this by killing Firestorm. I'll assume he's actually dead because I don't have any comics after this to prove me wrong even though he's got Gehenna in his head and she's probably alive and she can probably still use Jason's powers when he's dead. The Injustice League recruit Killer Frost and head back to their Darth Vader head in the swamp where their other recent recruits await.

They've been busy!

How good can this Legion of Doom be without Lobo? I'm not even interested in them anymore.

And then the comic book finally moves on to the reason I bought it: Dinah Lance's hen do! Oh! Maybe that's where Lobo is! Can you think of a better stripper?

I'm going to assume that's Lobo on the dance floor dancing with Vixen.

One of the strippers informs Wonder Woman that his sister's a nurse and just let him know that Firestorm showed up in the ER and is about to die. Wonder Woman ignores him and paws at his loin cloth and saying, "Show me your mortal organ, Dance Boy!" No, wait. Wonder Woman is more responsible than that. As a reviewer, I should learn to concentrate on what's in the story and stop wishing for what I want it to be. Instead, Wonder Woman alerts Batman and hopes he doesn't show up to the ER covered in glitter and lubricant from the genitals of a sexy woman smeared all over his cowl.

Batman takes Speedy with him to investigate the scene of the crime. But this was all in Lex's plan! They know Batman will go investigate. They know Wonder Woman will go to the hospital to check on Firestorm. So they send attack squads to both places to ambush the heroes. The Joker and Fatality arrive to defeat Batman and Speedy (also Geoforce who, I guess, got there before Batman somehow. Maybe in a different comic?). Cheetah, Killer Frost, and Doctor Light arrive at the hospital to defeat Wonder Woman and Hawkwoman. But they let Hawkwoman get away to go lure the rest of the League in to battle. Hawkwoman crashes Ollie's bachelor party and says, "Lex and Cheetah and The Joker and Killer Frost and Doctor Light are all working together. And where are the strippers? You gay, bro?"

Justice League of America Wedding Special #1 Rating: A. This was a lot of fun with a lot of heroes and villains (my weakness!). Is this how much fun DC Comics were as a whole in the Two Thousand Oughts? I missed out on the best stuff DC was doing in the last forty years, didn't I? Should I go back and buy all of the comics that I missed?! Who wants to loan my a few million dollars?

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #36 (Late August 1992)

Oh yeah. I didn't even mention the main plot last issue!

So, like, this guy in the Viking costume comes from a village in Norway where a company called Asgard wants to dump radioactive waste. He dressed up like a Viking to bring media attention to this company intimidating the populace of this village in an effort to get them to sell. I don't know why Asgard wants this specific part of the world to dump their waste. Maybe the CEO just hates them? The Viking guy's father has refused to sell so the company's been sitting on all its radioactive waste which they're not supposed to have because I think, publicly, their company is supposed to be recycling it or something? I wasn't paying a lot of attention because I was so invested in the Batman/Viking Dude Best Friend Subplot. Anyway, that's why Batman's swinging over a barrel of toxic waste and bones with a gigantic reel of film behind him.

I'm trying a new thing, based on the reviews I did in my 2018 Newsletters, where I actually read the comic book before writing the reviews instead of doing a "Let's Read" and expressing my feelings as I go along. Mostly I figured it would allow me to do the reviews more quickly while still maintaining a place where I shit out shitty opinions and express way too much of the inside of my head. The ironic part, if I can use that word correctly or incorrectly — take your pick — (there should be a comma now but where do I put it? Directly after the em-dash?! Oh! I found the spot —>), is that deciding to do the reviews differently made me too anxious to pick up the comic and actually do the review! "What a time savings it'll be!" my brain said. "Just think how much more porn you'll be able to watch!" my dick said! "Take me outside more!" my cat screamed! And, well, sure, all those things have happened since I decided to do the reviews differently but for a different reason: I was now avoiding doing the reviews!

Last issue ended with Batman and the Viking interrupting the reading of a book that a ten century prophecy told them they should read together. Jon the Viking decided he couldn't finish the most important, prophetic, synchronous, meaningful thing to ever happen in his life to make sure his dad was okay. Answer me this, people who actually love their dads: is this something a son would do? You're halfway through a 1000 year old document telling a story that exactly mirrors your current life and you would stop before getting to the end to call your fucking dad?! I don't buy it.

Luckily Jon the Viking did buy it so he could get even more spooky evidence that his life was mirroring the life of his ancestor!

The burned up person was a neighbor so Jon isn't too upset by it. His father and sister were kidnapped by Asgard while Jon was busy with his new best friend reading an ancient comic book. Obviously Batman stole the book from the Oslo library so he and Jon finish reading it before they go kick the Asgard CEO's brains out of his butthole.

The rest of The Book of Gallund reads like a Dungeons & Dragons adventure but with more sexy butts than usual.

Well, more than the campaigns I play in have. I can't speak for all of you RPG pervs.

It's a high level campaign because The Bat Man, The Viking Prince, and Sexy Buttocks have to defeat Hel and Loki before battling the easiest opponent of them all, the Frost Giant Hrothgar. It's also possible this is a fairly low level campaign because the players don't have to physically defeat Hel and Loki. They just have to outwit them before the Gods are all, "Oh, man. You fucking got me! Good one! I'll go be immortal and all-powerful somewhere else now."

Freyja films one of those Facebook videos where a woman holds some shit up to the camera pretending to talk excitedly about it but really she just has one boob popped out behind the thing and quickly flashes the camera at some point. Unfortunately, this is a static image and we never get to see her nip pop out from behind the skull.

Don't ask me how I know about those videos! I've cultivated a unique Facebook reels experience where every video it tries to show me is of either a woman with a great ass, a woman flashing the camera in some way, a woman wearing a see-through dress so you can see her pubic area, and goats. Not that I spend much time on Facebook. I just log in to read my memories for the day and maybe watch a few women on roller coasters boobs pop out.

The story of The Bat Man and the Viking Prince and the Sexy Oracle ends when The Viking Prince and Bat Man learn to trust each other, thereby defeating Hrothgar through the power of friendship and magic stones. The Giant, poisoned by the magic stones, runs into the woods to spontaneously birth dozens of little green-eyed trolls as it dies. Is that the normal way trolls come into this world? Frost Giant Angel Lust? The book ends by telling how the medallion was given to the two champions and how it would ensure that, in the future, the same story would basically be told for some reason. Seems more like a curse than a reward for killing the giant.

After learning nothing that would be seeming important from the book other than that they should trust each other for absolutely no reason (unless being cousins dozens of times removed is a reason), Batman and The Viking make a night-time raid on Asgard to save Viking Jon's dad and sister.

See! The story was important. Or was it? Did the guys running Asgard have to be the children of a dying giant's final orgasm?

I guess the "heritage" they're keeping alive is fucking over the local villagers and making money from it.

Oh! I just answered my own question as I remembered how the issue ends. It is important for the Asgard employees to be troll men because it allows Batman to defeat them without caring if any of them die in the huge cave-in and flood he causes! He also manages to wash dozens of barrels of toxic and radioactive waste into Norway's underground water system. But he makes sure to let the reader know that he'll be calling the Norwegian Atomic Regulatory Council so they know they've got some serious clean up to do. Batman must assume that the troll men all died or drowned or else he might be more concerned about the Norwegian Atomic Regulatory Council's employees who have to enter into the tunnels and fish out the barrels. Maybe that's a story for another time because at least the lead troll, Yelson, survives by clinging to a barrel. So he's probably irradiated and more powerful now!

If you were wondering who the modern-day Freyja the Oracle is, Batman's dick has found her.

I wonder why Grant Morrison or Geoff Johns or Mike W. Barr never wrote a Batman: Son of the Oracle story? Damian could use a little blond-headed, super cool and collected Nordic brother.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #36 Rating: C+. It was fine. It would have been better if it had been a Scarecrow story since the whole Viking Bat Man story was ludicrous. I suppose some depressed Viking could have sequestered himself away from society to live in a cave and subsequently become known as Bat Man. But to wind up wearing the exact same costume? I suppose I'm being too literal in the visuals of the story. That's probably just how Jon the Viking and Bruce Wayne pictured the characters as they read the story since the story mirrored their own so closely. Do I have a problem with that huge fucking coincidence? No because it's a comic book and do you remember that panel with that terrific ass? I'll forgive a lot for a panel with a nice ass in it. Remember how much I loved The New 52's Supergirl?! Oh Mahmud Asrar! I still celebrate your abilities!