Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #36 (Late August 1992)

Oh yeah. I didn't even mention the main plot last issue!

So, like, this guy in the Viking costume comes from a village in Norway where a company called Asgard wants to dump radioactive waste. He dressed up like a Viking to bring media attention to this company intimidating the populace of this village in an effort to get them to sell. I don't know why Asgard wants this specific part of the world to dump their waste. Maybe the CEO just hates them? The Viking guy's father has refused to sell so the company's been sitting on all its radioactive waste which they're not supposed to have because I think, publicly, their company is supposed to be recycling it or something? I wasn't paying a lot of attention because I was so invested in the Batman/Viking Dude Best Friend Subplot. Anyway, that's why Batman's swinging over a barrel of toxic waste and bones with a gigantic reel of film behind him.

I'm trying a new thing, based on the reviews I did in my 2018 Newsletters, where I actually read the comic book before writing the reviews instead of doing a "Let's Read" and expressing my feelings as I go along. Mostly I figured it would allow me to do the reviews more quickly while still maintaining a place where I shit out shitty opinions and express way too much of the inside of my head. The ironic part, if I can use that word correctly or incorrectly — take your pick — (there should be a comma now but where do I put it? Directly after the em-dash?! Oh! I found the spot —>), is that deciding to do the reviews differently made me too anxious to pick up the comic and actually do the review! "What a time savings it'll be!" my brain said. "Just think how much more porn you'll be able to watch!" my dick said! "Take me outside more!" my cat screamed! And, well, sure, all those things have happened since I decided to do the reviews differently but for a different reason: I was now avoiding doing the reviews!

Last issue ended with Batman and the Viking interrupting the reading of a book that a ten century prophecy told them they should read together. Jon the Viking decided he couldn't finish the most important, prophetic, synchronous, meaningful thing to ever happen in his life to make sure his dad was okay. Answer me this, people who actually love their dads: is this something a son would do? You're halfway through a 1000 year old document telling a story that exactly mirrors your current life and you would stop before getting to the end to call your fucking dad?! I don't buy it.

Luckily Jon the Viking did buy it so he could get even more spooky evidence that his life was mirroring the life of his ancestor!

The burned up person was a neighbor so Jon isn't too upset by it. His father and sister were kidnapped by Asgard while Jon was busy with his new best friend reading an ancient comic book. Obviously Batman stole the book from the Oslo library so he and Jon finish reading it before they go kick the Asgard CEO's brains out of his butthole.

The rest of The Book of Gallund reads like a Dungeons & Dragons adventure but with more sexy butts than usual.

Well, more than the campaigns I play in have. I can't speak for all of you RPG pervs.

It's a high level campaign because The Bat Man, The Viking Prince, and Sexy Buttocks have to defeat Hel and Loki before battling the easiest opponent of them all, the Frost Giant Hrothgar. It's also possible this is a fairly low level campaign because the players don't have to physically defeat Hel and Loki. They just have to outwit them before the Gods are all, "Oh, man. You fucking got me! Good one! I'll go be immortal and all-powerful somewhere else now."

Freyja films one of those Facebook videos where a woman holds some shit up to the camera pretending to talk excitedly about it but really she just has one boob popped out behind the thing and quickly flashes the camera at some point. Unfortunately, this is a static image and we never get to see her nip pop out from behind the skull.

Don't ask me how I know about those videos! I've cultivated a unique Facebook reels experience where every video it tries to show me is of either a woman with a great ass, a woman flashing the camera in some way, a woman wearing a see-through dress so you can see her pubic area, and goats. Not that I spend much time on Facebook. I just log in to read my memories for the day and maybe watch a few women on roller coasters boobs pop out.

The story of The Bat Man and the Viking Prince and the Sexy Oracle ends when The Viking Prince and Bat Man learn to trust each other, thereby defeating Hrothgar through the power of friendship and magic stones. The Giant, poisoned by the magic stones, runs into the woods to spontaneously birth dozens of little green-eyed trolls as it dies. Is that the normal way trolls come into this world? Frost Giant Angel Lust? The book ends by telling how the medallion was given to the two champions and how it would ensure that, in the future, the same story would basically be told for some reason. Seems more like a curse than a reward for killing the giant.

After learning nothing that would be seeming important from the book other than that they should trust each other for absolutely no reason (unless being cousins dozens of times removed is a reason), Batman and The Viking make a night-time raid on Asgard to save Viking Jon's dad and sister.

See! The story was important. Or was it? Did the guys running Asgard have to be the children of a dying giant's final orgasm?

I guess the "heritage" they're keeping alive is fucking over the local villagers and making money from it.

Oh! I just answered my own question as I remembered how the issue ends. It is important for the Asgard employees to be troll men because it allows Batman to defeat them without caring if any of them die in the huge cave-in and flood he causes! He also manages to wash dozens of barrels of toxic and radioactive waste into Norway's underground water system. But he makes sure to let the reader know that he'll be calling the Norwegian Atomic Regulatory Council so they know they've got some serious clean up to do. Batman must assume that the troll men all died or drowned or else he might be more concerned about the Norwegian Atomic Regulatory Council's employees who have to enter into the tunnels and fish out the barrels. Maybe that's a story for another time because at least the lead troll, Yelson, survives by clinging to a barrel. So he's probably irradiated and more powerful now!

If you were wondering who the modern-day Freyja the Oracle is, Batman's dick has found her.

I wonder why Grant Morrison or Geoff Johns or Mike W. Barr never wrote a Batman: Son of the Oracle story? Damian could use a little blond-headed, super cool and collected Nordic brother.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #36 Rating: C+. It was fine. It would have been better if it had been a Scarecrow story since the whole Viking Bat Man story was ludicrous. I suppose some depressed Viking could have sequestered himself away from society to live in a cave and subsequently become known as Bat Man. But to wind up wearing the exact same costume? I suppose I'm being too literal in the visuals of the story. That's probably just how Jon the Viking and Bruce Wayne pictured the characters as they read the story since the story mirrored their own so closely. Do I have a problem with that huge fucking coincidence? No because it's a comic book and do you remember that panel with that terrific ass? I'll forgive a lot for a panel with a nice ass in it. Remember how much I loved The New 52's Supergirl?! Oh Mahmud Asrar! I still celebrate your abilities!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #35 (Early August 1992)

The Legend of Fat Batman

I suppose I could have called this The Legend of Barbarian Batman but that might ruin my reputation as an brutally honest and edgy reviewer who can't help saying what's on their mind! I also contemplated The Legend of Sean Bean Batman but reconsidered when I didn't want to have to explain myself to all the people. I certainly didn't even begin to think, at all, to call this The Legend of Sexy Batman Whose Fat Dick is Almost Certainly Hanging Out Behind the Battle Axe.

I have a vague memory of discussing this comic book with my friend Upright back in 1992 but I can't exactly remember why (although I'm pretty sure it wasn't about Batman's fat dick). Does this comic book surmise that a "Batman" existed in some past era? I feel like we spent an afternoon roasting this comic book, probably over a game of Cyberball. Let's find out! Let's also hope we find out about that fat dick!

Some of you might be thinking, "Why are you so obsessed with fat dicks?" Well, I mean, when you're watching pornography, you don't want to see a pencil dick getting sucked, do you? Even a dick of average girth seems like a hollow porn moment when you know what the naked woman hiding under the massage table (in which a hole has been cut out) could actually be slurping on.

Also, Batman's got a fat dick, right? That's like not even up for debate.

Batman's nemesis for this issue.

Why's this guy gotta be an anachronism? Why can't the guy dressed like a Viking just be some weird or obsessed guy? Gotham's full of them: The Mad Hatter, The Riddler, The Penguin, Batman. Just another nut in a Halloween costume committing or fighting crime. The Viking isn't killing cops when Batman witnesses him so it's possible he's the next Cavalier. It's definitely not possible that he's actually a time traveling Viking. No wait. This is a comic book. It's totally possible.

You know what else is possible but I didn't contemplate? The Viking is Batman's new best friend!

Guess which fit billionaire has the other piece of that necklace at home!

Batman's been having gooey paranormal feelings all night long and now he knows why: he's found a long lost cousin who's exactly like him! He's also got half a necklace covered in Nordic runes! He also dresses like a lunatic to strike terror in the hearts of, well, if not criminals, corporate execs! And he almost lost his father the way Bruce actually did lose his father! They're basically the same person!

Batman translates the runes on the medallion and finds, when the two halves are put together, they read: "Go together. Read The Book of Gallund." The halves of this medallion have been kept by their families for 10 centuries. Which perhaps isn't too strange on its own. But when they read The Book of Gallund and find it tells the story of a Viking Prince and a "Bat Man" working together to defeat a giant, it's maybe a little too prophetic even for a comic book. Especially considering that Bruce Wayne's version of Batman has absolutely nothing to do with his supposed ancestor who dressed like a bat because he lived in a cave and dressed in a stupid bat costume.

Come on. This is really a Scarecrow story, right? And Batman's still back in Gotham tripping his fucking fat dick off since the beginning when he was exploring the warehouse district and feeling weird. Right?

Even if this turns out not to be a hallucination, even though Batman was hallucinating wolves and ravens before he even made it to the Viking fighting thugs, I'm going to remember it as a hallucination and a Scarecrow story. To believe this is canon to Batman's history is to climb under the massage table and suck Madness's fat dick. And I am not doing that even if it's all I can picture in my head right now and I'm starting to drool.

Here's how the story begins:

That's got to be Scarecrow gas, right? Please say I'm right. Please?

Viking Batman gets his ass kicked by the Giant. As payment for his trouble, the Giant not only steals all the town's valuables but kidnaps a girl as well.

"Whee! I'm free of your stench and mediocrity!"

For some reason, the town's pissed that Batman's resistance caused the Giant to kidnap this girl. She strikes me as the Belle of this town. Wouldn't they be glad to be rid of her? Waking up every morning and walking around the town being condescending and above it all. "This town! Full of little people! Living little lives! I dream of so much better than they're even capable! Fucking losers!"

Norse Batman retreats to his cave to pout until a young Viking Prince hears about him and comes to fetch him. They make a pact to defeat the Giant together the next time he comes to the village. "Best Friends Forever!" yells Batman while the Viking Prince says, "Whoa, hold up there, Charlie. We're just business partners." To prepare for their battle against the Giant, the besties climb a mountain to speak to the horniest oracle in the world.

If I didn't know from the credits that a man had written this comic book, I'd have known after reading that male gaze inspired Pablum.

If she was tempted to throw away her entire life because of the "heavy burden" carried by the Batman, imagine how wet she'd have been at Jesus Christ's crucifixion! Disgusting!

Sorry! I'm so sorry! Not for the blasphemy, of course. For the kink shaming! If downtrodden losers covered in bat guano lube her mechanism, why should I care? It's probably because my first reaction in every situation is a cynical one so my brain was all, "She's not into his heavy burden! She can just see the outline of his fat dick in his leather pants!"

Freyja the Oracle reads the bones and determines that the Giant can only be killed by being forced to swallow a "stone of the Loge". If I try to interpret any of that, Blogger will censor my post so I'll just take it as literal. The Oracle can't give the Besties directions though. She decides she'll have to go with them. Exactly the kind of thing an oracle trying to get up on Batman's fat dick would suggest.

On their journey to find the Loge Stone, the group discover the Hel, the Goddess of the Netherworld. They believe Hel can direct them on their quest but Hel tells them "Your fates have played a joke on you." What she means will have to wait until the conclusion of the story in the next issue though because Batman's current Viking best friend decides they need to take a break from reading The Book of Gallund so that he can call his father and make sure he's okay. Seems like a weird moment to want to make that call. They're right in the middle of the culmination of a thousand year prophecy and he's all, "You know what? This has waited a thousand years. It can wait a few more minutes for us to finish even though we could finish in a few more minutes and then I could suddenly worry about my dad." But Batman is all, "No! You must call your dad immediately! If I could call mine, I would! Go! Make sure he's safe! And pass me that box of Kleenex before you leave!"

But when Eriksson (that's Batman's best friend's name) makes the call, nobody answers! But they should answer! He claims they should be there and since they're not there after one try, something must be wrong! "My father always takes the phone in with him when he's crapping so he should answer! He's never been known to sleep through several rings! There's no time to try a second call! We must travel to Norway to save him!" And Batman, having lost his father because nobody acted in time, agrees! Forget whatever Hel was going to warn the previous Best Friends about! Surely it wouldn't have any bearing on the present day Besties even though this whole prophecy seemed set up in such a way that they would learn exactly what they needed to learn at this exact moment!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #35 Rating: C. It's a Scarecrow story, right?! If it's a Scarecrow story, I'll rate the next issue higher. But for now, if I'm to take this story at face value, it's fucking ridiculous. A Norse Batman that dresses just like modern Batman? Okay, sure, The Book of Gallund probably wasn't illustrated and the images of Norse Batman were just imaginative interpretations of what the present day Besties were picturing. But it's still pretty crazy, even for a fucking comic book, to have Batman and some Norwegian guy randomly meet up and discover they both have halves of a thousand-year-old medallion from their ancestors who both just happened to represent them exactly. This doesn't have to be a Scarecrow story exactly but it can't be literal. At the very least, it's got to be Barbara Gordon at a slumber party telling her friends "The Legend of Batman's Fat Dick."