Oh yeah. I didn't even mention the main plot last issue!
So, like, this guy in the Viking costume comes from a village in Norway where a company called Asgard wants to dump radioactive waste. He dressed up like a Viking to bring media attention to this company intimidating the populace of this village in an effort to get them to sell. I don't know why Asgard wants this specific part of the world to dump their waste. Maybe the CEO just hates them? The Viking guy's father has refused to sell so the company's been sitting on all its radioactive waste which they're not supposed to have because I think, publicly, their company is supposed to be recycling it or something? I wasn't paying a lot of attention because I was so invested in the Batman/Viking Dude Best Friend Subplot. Anyway, that's why Batman's swinging over a barrel of toxic waste and bones with a gigantic reel of film behind him.
I'm trying a new thing, based on the reviews I did in my 2018 Newsletters, where I actually read the comic book before writing the reviews instead of doing a "Let's Read" and expressing my feelings as I go along. Mostly I figured it would allow me to do the reviews more quickly while still maintaining a place where I shit out shitty opinions and express way too much of the inside of my head. The ironic part, if I can use that word correctly or incorrectly — take your pick — (there should be a comma now but where do I put it? Directly after the em-dash?! Oh! I found the spot —>), is that deciding to do the reviews differently made me too anxious to pick up the comic and actually do the review! "What a time savings it'll be!" my brain said. "Just think how much more porn you'll be able to watch!" my dick said! "Take me outside more!" my cat screamed! And, well, sure, all those things have happened since I decided to do the reviews differently but for a different reason: I was now avoiding doing the reviews!
Last issue ended with Batman and the Viking interrupting the reading of a book that a ten century prophecy told them they should read together. Jon the Viking decided he couldn't finish the most important, prophetic, synchronous, meaningful thing to ever happen in his life to make sure his dad was okay. Answer me this, people who actually love their dads: is this something a son would do? You're halfway through a 1000 year old document telling a story that exactly mirrors your current life and you would stop before getting to the end to call your fucking dad?! I don't buy it.
I'm trying a new thing, based on the reviews I did in my 2018 Newsletters, where I actually read the comic book before writing the reviews instead of doing a "Let's Read" and expressing my feelings as I go along. Mostly I figured it would allow me to do the reviews more quickly while still maintaining a place where I shit out shitty opinions and express way too much of the inside of my head. The ironic part, if I can use that word correctly or incorrectly — take your pick — (there should be a comma now but where do I put it? Directly after the em-dash?! Oh! I found the spot —>), is that deciding to do the reviews differently made me too anxious to pick up the comic and actually do the review! "What a time savings it'll be!" my brain said. "Just think how much more porn you'll be able to watch!" my dick said! "Take me outside more!" my cat screamed! And, well, sure, all those things have happened since I decided to do the reviews differently but for a different reason: I was now avoiding doing the reviews!
Last issue ended with Batman and the Viking interrupting the reading of a book that a ten century prophecy told them they should read together. Jon the Viking decided he couldn't finish the most important, prophetic, synchronous, meaningful thing to ever happen in his life to make sure his dad was okay. Answer me this, people who actually love their dads: is this something a son would do? You're halfway through a 1000 year old document telling a story that exactly mirrors your current life and you would stop before getting to the end to call your fucking dad?! I don't buy it.
Luckily Jon the Viking did buy it so he could get even more spooky evidence that his life was mirroring the life of his ancestor!
The burned up person was a neighbor so Jon isn't too upset by it. His father and sister were kidnapped by Asgard while Jon was busy with his new best friend reading an ancient comic book. Obviously Batman stole the book from the Oslo library so he and Jon finish reading it before they go kick the Asgard CEO's brains out of his butthole.
The rest of The Book of Gallund reads like a Dungeons & Dragons adventure but with more sexy butts than usual.
The rest of The Book of Gallund reads like a Dungeons & Dragons adventure but with more sexy butts than usual.
Well, more than the campaigns I play in have. I can't speak for all of you RPG pervs.
It's a high level campaign because The Bat Man, The Viking Prince, and Sexy Buttocks have to defeat Hel and Loki before battling the easiest opponent of them all, the Frost Giant Hrothgar. It's also possible this is a fairly low level campaign because the players don't have to physically defeat Hel and Loki. They just have to outwit them before the Gods are all, "Oh, man. You fucking got me! Good one! I'll go be immortal and all-powerful somewhere else now."
Freyja films one of those Facebook videos where a woman holds some shit up to the camera pretending to talk excitedly about it but really she just has one boob popped out behind the thing and quickly flashes the camera at some point. Unfortunately, this is a static image and we never get to see her nip pop out from behind the skull.
Don't ask me how I know about those videos! I've cultivated a unique Facebook reels experience where every video it tries to show me is of either a woman with a great ass, a woman flashing the camera in some way, a woman wearing a see-through dress so you can see her pubic area, and goats. Not that I spend much time on Facebook. I just log in to read my memories for the day and maybe watch a few women on roller coasters boobs pop out.
The story of The Bat Man and the Viking Prince and the Sexy Oracle ends when The Viking Prince and Bat Man learn to trust each other, thereby defeating Hrothgar through the power of friendship and magic stones. The Giant, poisoned by the magic stones, runs into the woods to spontaneously birth dozens of little green-eyed trolls as it dies. Is that the normal way trolls come into this world? Frost Giant Angel Lust? The book ends by telling how the medallion was given to the two champions and how it would ensure that, in the future, the same story would basically be told for some reason. Seems more like a curse than a reward for killing the giant.
After learning nothing that would be seeming important from the book other than that they should trust each other for absolutely no reason (unless being cousins dozens of times removed is a reason), Batman and The Viking make a night-time raid on Asgard to save Viking Jon's dad and sister.
The story of The Bat Man and the Viking Prince and the Sexy Oracle ends when The Viking Prince and Bat Man learn to trust each other, thereby defeating Hrothgar through the power of friendship and magic stones. The Giant, poisoned by the magic stones, runs into the woods to spontaneously birth dozens of little green-eyed trolls as it dies. Is that the normal way trolls come into this world? Frost Giant Angel Lust? The book ends by telling how the medallion was given to the two champions and how it would ensure that, in the future, the same story would basically be told for some reason. Seems more like a curse than a reward for killing the giant.
After learning nothing that would be seeming important from the book other than that they should trust each other for absolutely no reason (unless being cousins dozens of times removed is a reason), Batman and The Viking make a night-time raid on Asgard to save Viking Jon's dad and sister.
See! The story was important. Or was it? Did the guys running Asgard have to be the children of a dying giant's final orgasm?
I guess the "heritage" they're keeping alive is fucking over the local villagers and making money from it.
Oh! I just answered my own question as I remembered how the issue ends. It is important for the Asgard employees to be troll men because it allows Batman to defeat them without caring if any of them die in the huge cave-in and flood he causes! He also manages to wash dozens of barrels of toxic and radioactive waste into Norway's underground water system. But he makes sure to let the reader know that he'll be calling the Norwegian Atomic Regulatory Council so they know they've got some serious clean up to do. Batman must assume that the troll men all died or drowned or else he might be more concerned about the Norwegian Atomic Regulatory Council's employees who have to enter into the tunnels and fish out the barrels. Maybe that's a story for another time because at least the lead troll, Yelson, survives by clinging to a barrel. So he's probably irradiated and more powerful now!
Oh! I just answered my own question as I remembered how the issue ends. It is important for the Asgard employees to be troll men because it allows Batman to defeat them without caring if any of them die in the huge cave-in and flood he causes! He also manages to wash dozens of barrels of toxic and radioactive waste into Norway's underground water system. But he makes sure to let the reader know that he'll be calling the Norwegian Atomic Regulatory Council so they know they've got some serious clean up to do. Batman must assume that the troll men all died or drowned or else he might be more concerned about the Norwegian Atomic Regulatory Council's employees who have to enter into the tunnels and fish out the barrels. Maybe that's a story for another time because at least the lead troll, Yelson, survives by clinging to a barrel. So he's probably irradiated and more powerful now!
If you were wondering who the modern-day Freyja the Oracle is, Batman's dick has found her.
I wonder why Grant Morrison or Geoff Johns or Mike W. Barr never wrote a Batman: Son of the Oracle story? Damian could use a little blond-headed, super cool and collected Nordic brother.
Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #36 Rating: C+. It was fine. It would have been better if it had been a Scarecrow story since the whole Viking Bat Man story was ludicrous. I suppose some depressed Viking could have sequestered himself away from society to live in a cave and subsequently become known as Bat Man. But to wind up wearing the exact same costume? I suppose I'm being too literal in the visuals of the story. That's probably just how Jon the Viking and Bruce Wayne pictured the characters as they read the story since the story mirrored their own so closely. Do I have a problem with that huge fucking coincidence? No because it's a comic book and do you remember that panel with that terrific ass? I'll forgive a lot for a panel with a nice ass in it. Remember how much I loved The New 52's Supergirl?! Oh Mahmud Asrar! I still celebrate your abilities!
Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #36 Rating: C+. It was fine. It would have been better if it had been a Scarecrow story since the whole Viking Bat Man story was ludicrous. I suppose some depressed Viking could have sequestered himself away from society to live in a cave and subsequently become known as Bat Man. But to wind up wearing the exact same costume? I suppose I'm being too literal in the visuals of the story. That's probably just how Jon the Viking and Bruce Wayne pictured the characters as they read the story since the story mirrored their own so closely. Do I have a problem with that huge fucking coincidence? No because it's a comic book and do you remember that panel with that terrific ass? I'll forgive a lot for a panel with a nice ass in it. Remember how much I loved The New 52's Supergirl?! Oh Mahmud Asrar! I still celebrate your abilities!
No comments:
Post a Comment