Justice League Europe #13 (April 1990)

Why is everybody in the DC Universe afraid of feral cats? Because they're pussies.

That caption was a hilarious riddle! The ambiguous answer makes the riddle logical with word play! I just made it up but there's a fairly decent chance that dozens of jokes nearly identical to it were written into every stupid fad joke book of the 80s. There was probably a dead baby version and a dead cat version and a dumb blonde version and a redneck version and a whole bunch of racist versions too because racist jokes were practically currency in the 80s. And having grown up in school yards during that time, I have one particularly racist joke burned into my head which I never asked Philip Newby to tell me! I will not repeat it here because it's fucking racist, you dumb motherfucker! I don't want to do to your head what Phil did to mine! And not that Phil was racist! Far from it, I'm sure! But it was the 80s and remember what I said about racist jokes and currency back then! But since I did mention awful jokes from the 80s, I'll tell you a different one that Philip Newby told me and which I, at the time in 5th grade, did not understand at all!

"Why can't the Go-Gos have children?"
"Because their lips are sealed."

Oh sure, I laughed! Because it was a joke and Phil was a funny guy! But I didn't fucking get it. I told it to my cousin and he, being more honest than me, I guess, said to me, "I don't get it." And I said, as an explanation, "If their lips are sealed, they can't say 'yes' when somebody asks them to marry them!" Fucking hell, I was a dumb little shit.

Phil also told me the joke about the cop who arrests three kids (in the joke, the teller uses you and a friend and somebody you hate) where the cop is all, "I'll let you go if all together your penises measure sixteen inches (or something)." The joke ends with the person you hate making up the last of the sixteen inches with half an inch and saying, "It's a good thing I had a hard-on!" I'm fairly certain that's where I figured out what a "hard-on" was as I worked out the joke in my head. After laughing uproariously, of course!

Phil also told me the joke about Jesus on the cross calling Peter up to him three times but the Romans keep kicking the ladder out from under him before Peter can hear what Christ has to say. Until finally, Peter leans his ear to Jesus's lips and Jesus says, "I can see your house from here." Fuck that was a good one.

This issue begins with Catherine and Captain Atom giving a bunch of French schoolchildren a tour of the Justice League embassy to show the French people that the Justice League aren't a bunch of dangerous lunatics. Captain Atom invites the press because he's an idiot who can't remember the last twelve issues of his own comic book! He think the press will show the country how nothing terrible happened to any of the children while visiting but surely they're simply going to capture twenty children dying horribly in extreme close-ups as Queen Bee drops some terribly perverse child-killing beast onto the embassy. This is exactly the kind of stupid stunt that Batman would have shut down before it even started! Nobody endangers children on Batman's watch! Except Batman.

Oh, my. It seems you've caught me in a lie. It was Catherine's idea and Captain Atom is rightly skeptical. It's just I didn't want to call Catherine an idiot!

Don't think I'm afraid to call a woman an idiot (especially after all the vile things I've called Madame Xanadu)! I simply didn't want to call Catherine an idiot because she's not an idiot and possibly the character I admire most in this comic book! But Captain Atom? Well, he's basically been portrayed as the main idiot in Europe. He's the Blue Beetle of the Old World.

Captain Atom, having taken only one French class which was interrupted by a massive brawl, tries to have a conversation with the teacher in French but accidentally says, "Would you dance naked with me in a bowl of onion dip?" Captain Atom having atomic powers and no visible sign of his junk in his skin tight pants is more believable than somebody accidentally saying that in a language they don't speak! Unless he had a weird teacher who thought the most pertinent words in French were "naked" and "onion dip." Although I myself don't speak French so maybe the words for "Thank you for coming" and "the children are well-behaved" are extraordinarily close to "dancing naked" and "bowl of onion dip"!

No, you came because it was a mandatory school field trip, you lying bol de trempette à l'oignon.

The cat arrives in the teleporter hacking and farting like a higher dimensional Bill the Cat. You understand what I mean, right? See, comic strips are basically one-dimensional and comic books are two dimensional and comic book movies are three dimensional and my blog entries on comic books are fourth dimensional. I'm sure I didn't need to explain that to you, my zero-dimensional readers. No wait! I meant my fifth-dimensional readers! I always forget that adage about catching more flies with honey than vinegar because my brain has always thought, "Yeah, but you catch even more flies with shit!" And then my attitude tanks even further and I just insult all the flies like crazy! Not that my readers are flies attracted to shit! Although, really, if you're enjoying my blog, I've got a minor reality check for you. Fly? Meet shit.

Some new information is revealed during the tour: the Justice League Embassy is full of precious works of art donated by the French government! Why? Well, that's not an easy question to answer through the lens of a government giving art to a UN peace keeping force that nobody likes. But it's easy to answer through the lens of comic book plotting: its bait to lure in a would-be art burglar to cause chaos during the children's school visit! His name is hilariously Jean-Jean De Jean! I'm laughing in much the same way I used to laugh at Phil Newby's jokes in 5th Grade! And he might be the most villainous bad guy yet! Worse than Doomsday even!

I hope they fucking kill him.

The kids receive a demonstration of the, um, uh . . . how do I say "Danger Room" in DC speak? Anyway, Flash and Crimson Fox are in the automated training simulation simulator when the cat hops up on the control board and accidentally sets the room to "Maximum Danger!" The kids are thrilled because the next best thing to meeting Batman is seeing The Flash maimed in a workplace accident! The kids, who would have gone absolutely batshit for Batman, go absolutely accidental-deathshit for a near accidental death. They're so worked up into a frenzy that the burglar had better hope he doesn't run into them! They might tear his fucking head off in their frenzy!

Are they this excited because the French love physical comedy so much? Or are they all sociopaths?

That second question in the caption was a rhetorical question before everybody on the Internet begins to explain to me how, yes, children are sociopaths because their empathic lymphburger neurosystems haven't fully developed or some shit. Just try to read these things in a whimsical, non-I-have-to-actually-everything-this-idiot-says manner, hmm? Can you do that? It would make it way easier on both of us.

Sue realizes the settings on the Danger Room control board were fiddled with meaning an intruder has gotten in which is the same conclusion I always come to when I've fucked up at my work. "What?! I didn't do that! It must have been an intruder!" Then you gasp loudly and berate yourself internally for fucking up yet again. Although I don't think Sue does that last part. She's so perfect and sexy that she'd never think anything was her fault, just like every other perfect and sexy person in the world. I despise them and yet I also want to fuck them. Man, life is the worst.

Sue, having left her post once which caused a huge screw up, leaves her post again to tell Captain Atom how leaving her post the first time allowed an intruder to fuck up something at her post. As soon as she leaves, the cat enters and takes a nap on the Emergency Red Alert button, sending the Justice League New Yorkers into an absolute panic. Which isn't great because they're already worked up from that huge battle they had with the feral cat and seeing Fire walking around naked in only a towel.

Sue reports to Captain Atom who simply points out what I already pointed out: Sue fucked up and refuses to acknowledge that she fucked up. Now, Sue is arguing that she didn't fuck up because she didn't set the Danger Room to High Death Rate. But this is why communication between two humans never works: people view things through their own perspective which blinds them to other perspectives. Sue did fuck up by leaving her post. Even if the intruder is the one who pressed the button, she was the one who left her position watching that button to make sure nobody pressed it! But Sue currently only sees her side of things: she didn't set the Danger Room to Super Duper Danger and she's defending that position. But the bottom line is Sue messed up and now she's mad at Captain Atom for pointing out that she messed up. I'm concerned that she's never going to fuck him now!

Justice League Europe desperately needs a Human Resources Department.

Justice League America arrives in response to the alert and that idiot J'onn sends in Guy Gardner to do reconnaissance only. What is wrong with Martians? Do they have terrible memories? Or are they simply too trusting? J'onn knows sending in Guy means a huge physical altercation is about to break out! Guy might even simply attack the children if they're showing too much emotion! Luckily, the first person to catch Guy's attention is Wally when he wakes up with pussy smothering him. No, of course it's not Power Girl, you Comicgater! Constant sexual harassment doesn't actually work like they show you in the movies where the nerd protagonist pesters and badgers the female lead until she finally realizes she loves him, no matter how unsatisfactory their lovemaking sessions. The pussy is the feral pussy that's been causing all the trouble!

Guy smashes in Wally's window to rescue him only to have the feral cat once again latch onto his face. I guess Guy forgot he teleported the cat to the European embassy to cause exactly this kind of chaos!

That's about the end of the violence (other than the cat jumping on the Jean-Jean De Jean's head and capturing him) and the kids all love the experience. The press report the visit as a huge hit and equate Captain Atom to Jerry Lewis. All's well that ends. Or whatever. And the cat finds a new home because Power Girl falls in love with it!

Aww. Power Girl is the best.

Justice League Europe #13 Rating: B+. The world wasn't saved but also the Justice League weren't putting anybody in danger saving themselves from a threat to themselves. It was just a nice day in at the embassy where some children were entertained, Ralph Dibny's marriage averted catastrophe by Captain Atom's horrible condescension to Sue, and a lonely feral cat found love and a home. A pretty good story!

Justice League America #37 (April 1990)

Intruder? They do know that's Booster's left hand, don't they?

I remember this cover from thirty years ago but damned if I remember the story on the inside. I probably even talked about how much I liked Adam Hughes' art way back then but, having forgotten nearly every moment of my life to the point that I don't think I can even call myself myself anymore, his name never stayed with me. Maybe this time it will and I can remember how much I love his art all the way to the grave!

This issue is called "Furballs!" which is probably a play on Spaceballs. It's only a play on the title of that movie if you somehow remembered Spaceballs was a film at the moment you read "Furballs" but, being Giffen and DeMatteis are behind this issue, it checks out as a hilarious reference. Anyway it's funny without any context simply because it has the word "balls" in the title (and fur on balls to boot!). Plus as we saw with the Justice League Europe annual (for those reading my posts in chronological order as you should be doing), the Paris Embassy cat mascot should be making an appearance. I know this isn't the Europe comic but according to the "Next Month" blurb of Justice League Europe #12, this issue and JLE #13 are a mini-crossover.

Speaking of the cat, the intruder could be the cat because both Beetle and Booster are reacting on this cover the same way my high school best friend Paul, who was terrified of cats, always reacted when my cat Smaug would approach him.

After Booster and Beetle stole all of the money in the League's account to fund their island resort casino (which they lost when the island turned out to be a living creature and Major Disaster bankrupted the casino playing Blackjack with his Rainman buddy Big Sir), they've been relegated to continual clean-up duty around the New York Embassy. Booster Gold isn't happy about it but it doesn't stop Blue Beetle from continuing to make old timey references.

It seems crazy to me that they'd reference Hazel from 1961 in a 1990 comic book but I suppose that would be like me making a casual The X-Files reference now.

Maybe the reference just feels older because Hazel was unwatchable in 1990 but The X-Files is still sort-of watchable. And by "unwatchable," I actually mean "unlistenable" because I wanted to jam pencils in my ears every time I heard Shirley Booth's voice.

I just watched a clip of Hazel for five seconds to see if her voice was as I remembered it and her portrayal made me laugh out loud. So maybe I should apologize for saying it was unwatchable! At least she wasn't upstaged by massive shoulder pads and a gigantic cell phone. That's my old timey The X-Files reference!

Booster Gold throws a huge tantrum because he's tired of being broke, disrespected, and trapped in the 20th Century. Can he not time travel because Skeets is broken? Or did he time travel some other way, like in one of those Legion bubble things? I might know the answer to this if I owned more than six non-sequential issues of Booster Gold. I also don't know why Blue Beetle is broke because I don't think I ever owned any of his comic books at all.

Meanwhile, an alien composed mostly of hate, teeth, and soliloquys re-forms in orbit around Neptune. It's hate seems to be focused on the Justice League because that makes it easier for the Justice League to wind up battling it. If it were simply hating Earth, Giffen and DeMatteis would have to write all that boring stuff about it attacking Earth and then waste some pages on The Huntress stuck on monitor duty and then waste a few more pages where the rest of the team learns about the alien from The Huntress. Having the alien come back to life already hating the Justice League is a nice shortcut. Now the Justice League just have to sit around the embassy waiting for the alien to come to them. It was probably killed by Superman and Wonder Woman though so it's really going to be surprised at how easily defeated this current Justice League will be.

This is the guy who was rooting through the Justice League's garbage in a previous issue. Now that he took his beard off, you can see he's some guy without a beard.

Am I supposed to somehow recognize the guy stealing the Justice League's garbage to write some kind of tell-all book about them? Is it Jack Ryder? It certainly isn't Clark Kent although wouldn't that be something?! Whoever he is, he only steals one trash can because the drunk cat is in the other one. The cat sneaks inside when Guy Gardner checks the alley to make sure no bums are stealing their garbage. And I guess the cat is yellow because Guy doesn't notice it. Is that how the Green Lantern weakness works? Close enough.

The cat walks in on Fire and she explodes into nakedness. She sets her whole room on fire but somehow finds the time to grab a towel. Stupid Comics Code Authority! Can't even allow a slight hint of green areola?! Guy Gardner comes to her rescue and discovers he's not quite up to battling a feral yellow cat.

Too bad G'nort was kicked out of the Embassy last issue, what with him being a dog and all.

Guy manages to subdue it and teleports it over to the European embassy. So that's the entirety of the cross-over?! The dumb cat! I mean the totally cute cat who is probably my favorite character from this point on!

Booster Gold meets somebody named Claire Montgomery to see if he might work with her because he's fed up with the Justice League. Does she have something to do with The Conglomerate? Is that about to happen?! I have a feeling that even in 1990, I had no idea what was going on. Tired of being a joke in this timeline and seemingly having no recourse to currently jump to a new one, Booster Gold decides to quit the League. This must be when he starts up The Conglomerate! I wonder if I own any of those issues?

Justice League America #37 Rating: B. This issue was all about the cat, I guess? Unless it was actually just about seeding the issue with future story arcs, like the guy digging through their garbage and Booster Gold quitting and Fire needing to go shopping for more clothes and, of course, the cat! The pitch for this issue was probably just, "What if Guy Gardner gets his ass handed to him by a stray cat?" And everybody was all, "Great! A new way to humiliate Guy Gardner whom we obviously created simply to torture!" This is what happens in a media format where writers are constantly taking over for each other. If you write a character that other writers can't stand and would love to see get their comeuppance, the character is simply going to wind up in a long string of stories where they're utterly humiliated! It's not cool, man! Can we please have a writer who can make poor disabled Guy Gardner sympathetic?! At least stop having him sexually harass every woman in the League!

Justice League Europe Annual #1 (1990)

An annual starring the Global Guardians? Be still my heart! No, seriously. Be still. I'd rather die than read this.

"So why read this? Life is too short!" says everybody on the Internet who only ever seem to understand and accept their own compulsions. Also, in an excuse less about the character and makeup of my idiotic brain, as a literature major, I understand that you need to read things you dislike in order to fully form coherent opinions about what makes literature good and bad. I learned this lesson in college when I refused—and continue to refuse—to read Ernest Hemingway while still proclaiming how much I dislike his works. That may sound like I learned the opposite lesson but, I assure you, one day I'll read an Ernest Hemingway book and probably love it which is when I'll fully learn the lesson I learned by not reading Ernest Hemingway.

For the curious, there are two reasons I haven't read Ernest Hemingway. The first reason is the main one: I was assigned a certain number of books in the only class that ever assigned anything by Ernest (A Farewell to Arms). But the professor explicitly stated that you wouldn't need to have read every book for the final, just that if you'd read every book, you'd have more to work with while answering the question. I, being an arrogant prick, decided I would be just fine reading the minimum amount of books for the class (and I was!). Normally my position in college was to read every single book assigned so that I would get a huge sampling of literature which I never would have picked up on my own. But sometimes, being a literature major, you just had too many books to read at once (and also too much Nick at Nite to watch while reading them). So I never read Hemingway. The second reason which I almost forgot to mention was that Gertrude Stein believed Ernest Hemingway jerked off to cats kneading his crotch. No wait. Did I make that up? Is that something I read in the back of a Cerebus that Dave Sim hallucinated? Um, you know what? I only had one reason for not reading Ernest Hemingway. If there's a second reason, it's just that I couldn't be bothered after college.

Should I continue with this Hemingway crap? It's like reading Sim's Going Home and having to wade through all the Hemingway biographical junk and thinking, "Just get on with the Cerebus and Jaka relationship doomed to failure because he needs to die alone, unmourned, and unloved!" But I have one more thing to say: it might be my California bias as to why I haven't given Hemingway a chance. You see, I've read, and loved, every book by John Steinbeck, whom I consider to be the great American author. I refuse to give any time to any other wannabe for that title! Get thee behind me, Satan! And take that cat out of your lap!

Speaking of cats, I see that feral cat is on the cover of this issue. I vaguely remember there being a mangy cat living at the Embassy in Paris but not much more than that. Other than the later cover where Maxwell Lord shows his penchant for shooting things in the head by holding a gun to the cat's head and the cover saying, "Buy this comic or we won't shoot the cat." Maybe that wasn't Lord threatening the cat but you can see, judging by his later history (ha ha), how I could make that mistake.

I'll admit they look pretty cool. Except the nerd eating the bagel and drinking Pepsi.

As you can see from the scanned double page spread, Jack O'Lantern isn't as dead as Queen Bee claimed he was. She probably didn't want to tip off her hand that she was using him to recruit the rest of the Global Guardians so that Bialya can compete on the global superhero scene. I would question why they would work for a terrorist nation but I don't want a bunch of comic book nerds reminding me that Queen Bee can mind control people. And even if she can't mind control this many, she can mind control enough of them to convince their friends to give it a shot, perhaps helping to steer Bialya down a more justice-oriented and righteous path.

This first scene is to remind readers not only that three of the Guardians are currently in the "care" of Justice League Europe but also remind them of the names of the Guardians, as Dr. Mist carefully uses everybody's name each time he first speaks to them. But then it begins to break down as Mermaid shakes off the mind shackles.

It's probably difficult to retain control of a mind that's half fish.

I'm really enjoying the art in this annual by Linda Medley whose name I didn't recognize. But I've apparently seen her work before. Her Wikipedia says she did some work on 1993's Doom Patrol and 1991's Justice League America. So I guess I'll see more of her art soon! It's a really fucking great style that's right up my back alley. Also she's from Stockton, California, so that California bias I mentioned earlier is really kicking in. Later she moved to the Northwest. Just like me! We're practically twinsies except I draw like a Great Dane who had a Sharpie stuck between his toes and then was hit by a terribly spastic bout of diarrhea.

The whole meeting breaks down thanks to Mermaid and it turns out it's some kind of rehearsed brainwashing event. And Jack O'Lantern may not even be the real Jack O'Lantern. And Doctor Mist may not even be the real Doctor Mist. And, well, you get the point. I'm pretty sure Mermaid is real!

The scene shifts to Queen Bee's inner sanctum where the reader may soon be enlightened as to what is going on. But first, Queen Bee needs to fire Major Force.

Holy shit. Major Force was her fuck boy!

It always pleases me when writers are able to get something so sexual past the Comics Code Penis Implants. Not one of them got the sex toy reference here? DC missed a great opportunity to package a Major Force vibrator with this issue. Fuck foil embossed 3D lenticular scratch and sniff covers with trading cards included. Attach a sex toy to a Goddamned annual and watch the sales go through the fucking roof!

Pretty sure I own a Hello Kitty vibrator so it's not like there isn't a precedent. Sort of. I'm not going to rehash the reasons why that vibrator exists and how it isn't the same thing as if DC actually gave away one based on one of their Major characters.

What are Mermaid's powers? Luring men to their death with her perfect boobs?

Here we get proof that this is a new Jack O'Lantern. The earlier clues where Mermaid screamed that he wasn't really Jack and when he removed his mask to show, I guess, a person the reader isn't supposed to recognize were not proof enough for me. I needed the comic book to state it outright! Good thing this is an annual and DC knows half of the readers are going to be idiots who collect annuals and know nothing about the series. Not that I knew anything about the Global Guardians when I first read this. Or now, even.

Jack is a hired replacement loyal to Bialya, Doctor Mist is a replicant, and Owl Woman seems to be a willing participant, but the rest of the Guardians have all been brainwashed to believe in Bialya's righteousness and the Justice League's wickedness. The only hurdle now is brainwashing Mermaid. So the brainwashing scene begins yet a third or fourth time. So if being forced to experience something repeatedly is a form of brainwashing, is that what DC is doing to me by making me read this scene over and over?! I'll never like the Global Guardians! I'll like the Legion of Super-Heroes before that happens!

This time the brainwashing works and I can't wait to see the Global Guardians retrieve their teammates, especially with perky little Mermaid at their side! I'm so happy they're finally a team again!

Oh no! Casual mention of the cat! That means I'm reading this out of order! I thought they'd get the cat this issue!

In Tokyo, Rising Sun suddenly wakes up as Doctor Light and her colleague leave the room to have some coffee and Oreos. Fuck. Now I want coffee and Oreos. Fredric Wertham was right! Comic books are disturbingly influential!

The Wild Huntsman, who was being monitored in Belle Reve, wakes up and escapes. He escapes on his horse with his dog at his side. So were they in comas too? And kept in beds next to him? Either that's fucking weird and nobody noticed or that's fucking weird which is why they were shuffled off to the home of the Suicide Squad.

Meanwhile in the Australian Embassy, romance is blooming!

Oh, and Tuatara escaped from wherever he was being kept. The Monterey Bay Aquarium, maybe?

So if the three Global Guardians being cared for by the Justice League are beginning to wake up, why do the Global Guardians need to ask the Justice League to release them? I'm only asking that question so I can respond to myself by saying, "Oh! Because now when the Guardians ask for their friends, the Justice League will be all, 'Oh, we don't seem to know where they are.' Which will cause the Global Guardians to begin punching the Justice League in the face. Exactly what Queen Bee probably wants!" But I bet Mermaid's tits will be all, "This isn't right! Stop fighting! Somebody caress us!"

Is this a joke by Giffen and Loebs? Or is this some really strong tea?!

Don't get me wrong! I don't mean to suggest some editor at DC was fucking comic book characters and giving them prestige format comic books! I'm suggesting . . . oh, you know what I'm suggesting! I wonder who was up to no good?! No way it was Dooley or Helfer because they're editing this book and they would have crushed those panels! Unless by allowing those panels, they're saying, "Oh, ha ha! Good one! We would never do that!" Although now maybe we know how Neil Gaiman "sold" the Black Orchid prestige comic idea to Karen Berger!

The Global Guardians pay a visit to the Justice League Embassy in Paris where they're greeted by cheering French fans. They enjoy some tea and cucumber sandwiches as they await word from Captain Atom about releasing their comrades (who they know are already back in Bialya getting another rinse on their brains). Now they just wait for the Justice League to admit they're missing and for the gigantic robot the Queen Bee has let loose to attack, and the Justice League will be humiliated in front of the entire world! Or something. I often have a hard time understanding evil villain plots. Mostly because if I had the kind of money evil villains had to brainwash heroes and create massive robots, I'd just retire and stop annoying everybody who might punch me in the throat.

"Without a trace" implies that nobody at Belle Reve had the nerve to tell Amanda Waller that the Wild Huntsman smashed through fifteen walls while escaping the prison.

I'm not sure what's going on with Catherine's butt in the above panel but I think I like it? I bet five bees stung her in the ass just now.

The giant robot immediately attacks the Justice League Europe headquarters in Paris which isn't too suspicious being that the Global Guardians just arrived, is it? Some people say there are no coincidences which I think is a fucking dumb thing to say but when you're reading a fictional work, there truly are no such things as coincidences! How can there be? It's exactly why real people love to say it and its corollary that everything happens for a reason. Because they believe in some cosmic author instead of complete and utter random meaninglessness! They're basically schizophrenic on the most basic setting.

What I'm trying to say is Captain Atom should totally be suspicious about this robot attacking. He's already suspicious about the three Guardians in their care having escaped just before the Guardians arrived!

Obviously Metamorpho hasn't been keeping up with Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol.

The battle goes on for a few pages as the teams constantly fail to work together or bicker uselessly. A few times, I felt they were bonding but then somebody calls somebody else an idiot or a fool for practically no reason at all. At least the crowd hanging around outside the embassy seem to be enjoying the spectacle as they cheer and hit on Mermaid. But that's probably not their fault! She's a sexy siren! Getting hit on by nerds is probably her super power.

Elongated Man and Owl-Woman seem to be getting along okay, probably because Ralph knows Sue is fucking Captain Atom and he's lonely.

Probably a Kevin Smith movie.

Once the teams get the robot clear of the crowds by knocking it into the sewers, Captain Atom vaporizes it in one blast. With that kind of power, I'm starting to wonder why they need Elongated Man on the team?

Queen Bee happily receives the news from her soon-to-be-executed henchman the next day. Her entire plan was to have the Global Guardians fight alongside the Justice League to give them international credibility and to make people believe Bialya has a super-hero team fighting for truth and justice. And the Justice League have earned the respect of the French finally. Everybody's happy except for Queen Bee's henchmen who helped with the plan because they're all going to be killed so they can't leak any of this to the international press.

Justice League Europe Annual #1 Rating: F. And just like that, I almost liked an annual! I was all set to say how I thought the reintroduction of the Global Guardians was handled well. Giffen and Loebs even made them interesting by having them work for a terrorist nation while brainwashed. Given the right writer, a new Global Guardians series could have been pretty interesting. Maybe there was one after this and I never picked it up because, well, it's the Global Guardians! Anyway, I was almost ready to give this series a decent rating when the final page portrayed various members of the team hurling the cat from their rooms! Fucking monsters! If they don't want the cat in their rooms, let it out gently! Put some food in the kitchen for it! But don't fling it down the stairs, you dumb bastards! The French may like them now but I'll never forgive them! Except for Sue. She didn't mind the cat in bed with her and Ralph.

Justice League Europe #12 (March 1990)

Does making the word "son" bold and bright green change the meaning of this adage in a way that my genius blinds me to?

Sometimes in life, you might feel stupid but never admit that it's caused by your own ignorance and stupidity. Instead, try saying, "My genius often blinds me to more mundane or exoteric ideas!" Then you sound really smart because you used a word like "exoteric"! Except most people only know it's opposite, "esoteric," so they'll probably think you meant that and continue to believe you're an idiot, both because you said "esoteric" wrong and used it incorrectly! But really they're the dumbies! Although there's little satisfaction in knowing the person who thinks you're dumb is really the dumb one because they're too dumb to ever appreciate the irony.

Man I hope I used irony correctly there! I knew I was going to have trouble in life taking English 101 from Professor Morissette.

The last issue of Justice League Europe ended with The Metal Men confronting Metamorpho, probably because that's just the kind of idea you'd expect from editors at a DC pitch meeting. "What if Metamorpho, who can change into any element at all, battled Will Magnus's butt inserts, the masters of being specific elements?!" "Boy, that sounds super exciting, Dooley! Just the kind of genius idea that has kept DC the second biggest comics publisher in America! Way to go!"

That second line of dialogue sounded sarcastic but the speaker was really just being earnest and naïve. Earnest because the speaker is absolutely thrilled to be the second biggest publisher and naïve because there really were just two publishers to speak of in 1990. Oh, and also because he thought the idea sounded great!

I just spent about five minutes searching for naked pictures of Metamorpho on the Internet because I wanted to see what's going on down there under the Speedo. Either I have suddenly become terrible at Internet searches or Metamorpho's dong just doesn't exist, even in the deviant imagination of the entire planet's collective unconscious.

I suppose I could have just Googled "Metamorpho fucking Sapphire" but I have some class, Sir. I was looking for a non-sexualized image of his junk!

This is probably one of those images that got Fredric Wertham's mid-century underwear in a twist. But since it's Guy Gardner who has been thrashed to a pulp with some obvious injuries to his eyes, I'm going to side with Wertham on this one. This image should be illegal!

Mostly the previous image should be illegal because how dare Loebs, Giffen, and Sears depict Guy Gardner as somebody who gets his ass beat! He should be doing the beating of asses! Do you think DC often gets letters about thirty year old comic book issues because I'm about to vent my spleen so hard right now!

The Metal Men apparently approach every situation the way American cops do: they approach an individual with massive numbers, declare that they don't want to be violent but will if provoked, and then spit out a bunch of conflicting directions and attitudes. Iron is all, "We don't like violence but will defend ourselves if need be!" And Mercury is all, "Let's kick his ass!" And Gold is all, "Move away from the baby or we'll see that as us being provoked." And Lead is all, "We're going to beat the shit out of you but this is a Comics Code approved comic so I had to say sulfur instead of shit!" Platinum just looks on in horror as she no doubt is thinking about the way Will Magnus created several extra orifices on her alone.

I don't remember what Tin was doing because fuck Tin. Nobody cares about Tin. He's skinny, ugly, and less useful than aluminum. How had Will Magnus not scrapped him by 1990?!

See? American cops! "We don't want violence!" and "Don't provoke us!" simply means "Respect us no matter what we do and any sign of a rebellious nature will be seen as a provocation. Plus sometimes we don't even need a sign because we can tell if you're probably going to disrespect us."

Metamorpho and the Metal Men fight for a bit during which I'm fairly certain Metamorpho murders Tin.

That's definitely a robot corpse.

Meanwhile in Russia, Silver Sorceress uses her powers to escape the Russian gulag she and Blue Jay have been imprisoned in. She opens a portal to their devastated home world and leaves Earth. Blue Jay elects to stay because this Earth hasn't been destroyed and still has things like food and water. He escapes using his lame power to turn into a bird-sized man with wings. No way the Russians will catch somebody that powerful!

The currently emotionally crippled Animal Man and the perky if dim Rocket Red were knocked out by Guy last issue which is why they aren't helping Metamorpho. But Sapphire brings them around with her desperate whining for them to save Rex. But after they come to, and Animal Man does some serious whinging on about his dead kids, Java arrives. Being a caveman, he only knows one way to interact with others: club them to death. So a new battle begins just outside the observation window to Rex's son's room which is housing its own battle royale.

In the chaos, the baby's mechanical babysitter tentacle arms go haywire and toss the baby across the room. Java catches it and discovers just why the baby has been locked away from everyone: it has the power to transform other things into different elements. Java is fucked. But it's only a baby! It doesn't know what elements are! So Java's arms are now some kind of primordial slop.

Maybe it isn't as bad as it looks.

Everybody stops fighting because Java can't throw any more punches and the Metal Men are all, "Oh that's your baby? Um, uh, whoops?"

Simon Stagg appears to threaten everybody with law suits when Rex shoves the baby into his arms. Stagg screams in terror and his underwear fills up with slop but the baby has nothing to do with it. He, along with Sapphire and Rex, is immune to the baby's power. He holds his grandson and falls in love with it (which is the most unbelievable part of the entire comic book). Everybody celebrates Rex for being a hero and saving the day with compassion while Rex mutters and pouts because the kid had no effect on Stagg. So I guess everything turned out fine! Especially since Will Magnus made some robot arms for Java. Hopefully they don't have their own personalities. Plus I think Tin is definitely dead since that panel I scanned was the last time he's seen in the comic book.

And, yes, Tin being dead is part of "everything turned out fine."

Animal Man decides to take a leave of absence since he's dealing with a whole Grant Morrison plot over in his own comic book. And Rocket Red's family arrives from Russia. So now there's a couple of kids running around the embassy for Wally to play with.

Justice League Europe #12 Rating: A. Not a bad issue although—and I'd hate to say I hate belaboring a point seeing as how much I really love to belabor points—the only problem the Justice League actually deals with, like Wolfman's Titans, is family issues. But at least there's a big battle which includes Platinum yelling at Metamorpho for touching her tits. And the ultimate goal of the story was to give Simon Stagg a Grinch's change of heart. So now he wants to help humanity because he loves his grandson so much! Are you puking at the sentiment as much as I am? Probably not. I bet you think it's wonderful, you loser. And for the beta (cuck) story arc, Buddy Baker leaves the team for family reasons and Dmitri gains his family back. Oh, if only I had a heart to truly appreciate this nonsense!

Justice League International Special #1 (1990)

This looks as shitty as an annual.

How was younger me so bamboozled by comic book continuity that he kept purchasing all of these extra issues that invariably had nothing to do with continuity? Okay, I know how that sounds. "How was younger you bamboozled by continuity if he kept buying books that had nothing to do with continuity?" I see where you're confused. Younger me didn't know they weren't going to have anything to do with continuity. That might sound stupid and naïve but I really thought, "If I don't get every comic book labeled 'Justice League,' I'm going to miss out on something important!" I remember my main concern with death as a teenager was that I'd never find out what happened in my comic book stories! Imagine that! I was so young and dumb that I thought the stories would culminate in some kind of satisfying resolution instead of just going on and on and on with characters never actually changing or growing! At least my grandmother's soap operas actually had characters aging along with their actors so there was some illusion of movement in their lives! But with comic books, I was afraid to miss out on the next eighteen times Batman battled The Joker only to throw him in Arkham where he eventually escapes for a story slightly altered from previous issues.

Anyway, that's how I wound up with this stupid Mister Miracle World Tour. What the fuck is this shit? Why should I care?! Don't the Justice League ever do anything that has to do with justice in any way?! They're nearly as bad as The Titans who never once helped New York City and almost always destroyed part of it while fighting evil family members bent on revenge. Remember Councilwoman Alderman and how Marv Wolfman tried to portray her as the bad guy for wanting to shut down the Titans and send them packing from her city? Remember how every time she'd point out how dangerous they were to her city, we, the readers, would think, "She's really got a good point! They never do anything but fight their mothers and fathers! What good are they?!" Councilwoman Alderman was the true hero of that book!

The story begins with Manga Khan headed back to Earth. He's the guy who talks to himself a lot, has an assistant named L-Ron, and runs an intergalactic home shopping network. Apparently somebody on Earth has purchased something without reading the fine print so he's on his way to, I don't know, blow it up or something.

Kilowog is going to be pretty pissed off when he finds the monitor full of crossbow bolts.

See? My joke was riffing on The Huntress explaining that she has talents better suited to something else but those talents are mostly just shooting crossbow bolts! I needed to explain that because people who read comic books and comic book "reviews" are kind of dumb. I mean, have you read comic book reviews sites?! They're fucking boring (especially those guys at my nemesis site! I'd link the site but I fucking forgot who they were. My only clue to their identity was that they somehow loved Scott Lobdell and would often blow Neal Adams' post-New-52 stuff (which was frankly unreadable)). And have you read comic books? Holy shit do they suck!

The Huntress points out that the JLI monitor is fully automated and Oberon responds with, "Suck it, toots!" Then he stomps off thinking, "What a dumb whore! Thinking a fully-automated system could actually do monitor duty itself!" I mean, yeah, fucknuts. Perhaps if it can't, stop telling everybody it's fully automated. Sounds like maybe it's partially automated, or not-at-all automated. Fucking bald bureaucratic piece of shit.

I just wanted to add this as proof that Oberon thought the things he thought (okay, maybe not "dumb whore") and that Fire looks hot in her ripped-up jeans.

Fire picks up Oberon and kisses him goodbye so I can only assume that his underpants are now caked in semen.

Oberon laments that Funky Flashman is helping run Mister Miracle's World Tour. I guess that means this issue is going to be full of jabs at Stan Lee because Funky Flashman is based on Stan Lee. I think. I don't do research; I just rely on whatever my brain thinks it knows. It works out about 60% of the time!

Beetle convinces Booster to go on a date with him to "Medison Square Gardens" to see the start of Mister Miracle's World Tour. It's definitely a date because Booster Gold feels the need to point out that he's only after romance. No dick tonight.

At least I think that's what he's saying here. I can't fucking figure out any other interpretation.

Luckily The Huntress is on monitor duty so that she can see the alert about Manga Khan's ship approaching Earth. An alert that apparently couldn't have been automated to alert individual members of the Justice League via their Justice League Alert Thingamabobs. She informs Martian Manhunter of Manga Khan's approach and he sighs and rolls his eyes and contemplates suicide.

Fire and Ice agreed to be Booster and Beetle's beards.

Hoo boy. I feel a quick summation of the rest of the comic coming followed by a low rating and a slight depression ruining the rest of my night as I contemplate how shitty my life turned out. This special is just so fucking dumb. No wonder it's taken me over a week to read this thing. My subconscious probably remembered how terrible it was and kept forcing me to do other things, like play X-Com 2 or masturbate.

Anyway, everybody winds up on Manga Khan's ship wondering whether they should be kicking his ass or not. Except Guy, of course. He kicks the asses of a bunch of robots before somebody calms his dumb ass down. Because Manga Khan isn't here to fight! He's here to insist that Mister Miracle fulfill the contract Funky Flashman got him to sign where Scott agrees to tour the universe promoting "The Miracle Mister," a cleaning appliance. If you don't get it, that's okay because it's fucking stupid.

Did I mention Oberon was dressed up like a clown for the performance? Probably because Funky Flashman demanded it and nobody goes against Funky Flashman's demands or else they spend the next fifty years of their lives watching the corporation they worked for make billions of dollars off off of their imagination. Oh, even if they didn't go against his demands, I think that happened too. Not like DC was ever any better (because Funky Flashman is Stan Lee, remember? So I'm talking about Marvel here, and Jack Kirby!). But since DC has a character based on Stan Lee, they can write a comic book that says, "Careful about the contract you sign with Stan Lee! He's just going to use you to get rich and promote himself while also taking as much of the credit as possible! Not like us here at DC! You'll notice Marvel doesn't have a character based on any of our editorial management and that's not because we're all boring pricks!"

Since Mister Miracle has been Shanghai'd by Manga Khan and Funky Flashman, a robot Mister Miracle has been created to take his place in the pages of Justice League America. Which means this entire "Special" was created simply to explain how Mister Miracle is in space on tour with Manga Khan in the pages of his own comic book and still goofing around in the Justice League comic book. So all that bullshit about how I was always buying all the Specials and Annuals even though they were never much for continuity was completely wrong. This comic book exists simply for continuity's sake! And it shows because it's fucking terrible! And boring! Although Fire has a few good cleavage shots so it wasn't a total waste of my time.

Justice League International Special #1 Rating: D-. I hated every minute I spent reading this comic book. And now I have to live with the knowledge that I read it fucking twice.

Justice League America #36 (March 1990)

Some people can't look at this cover without feeling aroused.

I didn't mean to suggest I'm "some people." I absolutely do not get off on crushing small animals. I'm one of those absolutely cynical assholes who finds nothing sacred but who also can't stand to see any animals come to harm. So, you know, a sociopath. The other day I was talking about the movie Pig with the Non-Certified Spouse and my voice began shaking and I began tearing up. That same day, somebody I follow on Twitter linked to the Seamus Heaney poem, "The Early Purges", and by the very first line, I was fucking sobbing. It's an incredible poem and I absolutely hate it and you should never read it if you haven't and I'm sorry for even mentioning it here. And Pig may be the best movie I saw in 2021 while also being the most traumatic thing to happen to me that year. Recommending a movie like Pig, I take the same stance I did when friends asked me if they should try LSD: "Look. I love it but I can't recommend it to you because I don't know how you'd react to the experience." Is part of being a sociopath also finding extreme value in art that completely fucks you up? Maybe it's just my age. I'm so inured to the constant yet mundane daily violences of life that I need terrible and catastrophic experiences through art to even feel anything at all. You put a trigger warning on something, and I'm all over it! Except that the trigger warning is like Kevlar, encasing me in a protective vest so that my mind can soften the impact of whatever the warning suggests. I find more value in a work of art if I'm not warned about what that art might do to me. Let me in raw! Not only am I asking to not be wrapped in a protective layer, I'm asking for my skin to be peeled away and my raw nerve endings exposed! I need to fucking feel something! And boy howdy did Pig sucker punch the fuck out of my heart!

Fuck. I re-read that poem and now I'm snotting all over the place. Maybe this story about G'nort will be diametrically opposite in the way it makes me feel so I can balance my emotions back to "constantly numb." What is the opposite of horrific grief? Hopefully it's inexplicable rage because that's usually what most comic books make me feel. And the odds of feeling that with G'nort as the protagonist are pretty fucking good.

If you think my rage explodes because of the character, you've got that other proverbial think coming. I fucking hate how writers, especially Giffen and DeMatties, treat the poor guy.

Rude.

Let's not pretend I've never called G'nort an idiot (and the implied subject of that sentence is "I" as in "I shouldn't pretend" because I know anybody who has read any of my bullshit wasn't pretending I've never called G'nort (and every single other character in the DC Universe) an idiot). But sometimes I need to let a cloud of clarity drift down around my brain which forces me to realize G'nort has been treated unfairly. As Jessica Rabbit once said something of the sort in reference to her huge tits or something: "I blame the fucking artist!" Nailed that quote. Anyway, poor G'nort gets treated like shit by the writers who wrote him in a way that allows them to feel justified in treating him like shit. Hopefully this issue will be that issue where they're all, "You know what? Maybe we're being dicks. Let's maybe stop being dicks. Let's allow G'nort to save the day for once without treating him as if he's just a stupid mutt!"

Never mind. Let's just keep the status quo.

Granted, that was how G'nort is first introduced in this comic. I guess if they're possibly going to change their attitude toward him this issue, the writers have got to establish the vulgarly low base line, even going so far as to show G'nort has been driven to a point where he's accepted his "Earth dog" status. Maybe he'll re-appropriate the slur (although why we, as humans, have decided calling somebody a "dog" is an insult makes absolutely no sense. If I had a loyal, excited friend full of wonder and energy, why would it be an insult to call them a dog?! Oh wait. I just remembered dogs eat their own shit. Never mind).

G'nort has been wandering Earth because Martian Manhunter is apparently a much bigger dick than I thought. For some reason, I had it in my head that he was the calm, cool, logical Justice League member who kept everything running smoothly. But he's really an easily annoyed, quick-tempered, gluttonous asshole. I should have been keeping track of how many times he's snapped at his colleagues. He even snapped at G'nort, according to G'nort here, telling G'nort to "Take a hike, G'nort. A very long hike." But G'nort has grown bored and it's time to test J'onn's patience again!

Meanwhile somewhere in deep space, a being known as The Scarlet Skier (who is probably a parody of Black Racer and Silver Surfer but whom I'm going to take seriously, just in case. It's like when you see somebody playing an instrument on a street corner and you stand around pretending to be super into it just in case they're a famous person. You don't want to be one of those people who get caught not appreciating amazing music! And I don't want to be the kind of person who gets caught not finding value in intelligently written comic book characters) has been let out of L.E.G.I.O.N. jail. The first thing on his list of things to do after getting out of jail is to get revenge on the Green Lantern who put him in jail. I would probably choose something less strenuous but then I've never been in prison. Maybe you just get so angry sitting there you can't think of anything except eventually punching the do-gooder jerk who put you there right in their smug face. Also their stupid and ugly face in this case because G'nort was the Green Lantern that put him there.

I should apologize to G'nort for that comment. That comment was more aimed at the jerks drawing G'nort who have decided he should look like the kind of dog only 3 out of 10 people "Ooh!" and "Aww!" over (like a Pug or a Chihuahua) or the writers who have decided he should be the dumbest Green Lantern in existence (after Guy and Hal, of course). I truly have empathy for G'nort but also I can't stand the character G'nort that these jerks have made him into. I'm complicated!

See?! Everybody is so mean to him! I feel terrible that I joined in!

The Scarlet Skier crashes to Earth and begins a fight with G'nort across the city. I wonder if this comic book is where Dan Jurgens got the idea for the Superman/Doomsday battle? Reports begin coming in to the Justice League Embassy that a mangy dog is battling a man in bright red armor.

Sometimes when I criticize art in a comic book, people will get mad at me and defend the artist by replying, "Let's see you do better!" Well, let's see them try that when I say these panels are shit because you better fucking believe I could do better than this!

I think the entire Mister Miracle page was drawn by an intern and shoved into the middle of the G'nort fight because editorial realized they were one page short just before going to print. The art is crazily mediocre (if not downright amateurish) compared to the rest of the issue. It's so blatant that I'd put money on it if Vegas were taking odds on it (which they probably would do if I just brought it to their attention).

Remember that part where I said maybe the writers were going to try to redeem themselves by making G'nort a more likable, smarter, stronger, and interesting character? It's possible I was right or it's also possible J.M. DeMatteis didn't realize how fucking great this joke was:

G'nort killing it with the banter. Beetle and Booster should take notes.

Portrayed more fairly than they should be, the NYPD arrive on the scene to arrest G'nort (the Scarlet Skier having been pounded into the subway system by then, disappearing on top of a train) and don't try to kill him. G'nort even cracks a few jokes, being totally disrespectful, and they don't even sodomize him with a broom. Instead, the NYPD freely give G'nort over to Mister Miracle and Fire when they arrive. The joke is that even though the NYPD feel it's their duty to take him back to a jail cell and beat the shit out of him, G'nort is just too annoying. So he flies back to the Justice League Embassy cracking even more good jokes at other people's expense.

Good for you, G'nort!

Back at the Embassy, G'nort begins to describe his arch-nemesis and, well, whattya know? He's a Silver Surfer parody. Don't I feel stupid treating him seriously! Anyway, the point being, the Skier is just the guy who flies around looking for worlds for the Galactus parody coming up (you know, that hand on the cover!). And that Galactus parody is Mister Nebula, Planetary Designer! So he doesn't so much consume planets as redecorate them (which can be quite traumatic in its own way. Have you ever seen Changing Rooms?!).

Instead of calling Mister Nebula to Earth for a really ridiculous issue, the Scarlet Skier, having run out of power somehow, decides to end it all by diving off the top of the World Trade Center. But his life is saved by G'nort which just makes him feel even worse. The only space criminal to ever be arrested by G'nort, beat up by G'nort, and had his life saved by G'nort. And so he becomes the most humiliated character in the entire DC Universe (up until Lobo gets married to and ass fucked by Bueno Excellente in Hitman (I know, I know! Garth Ennis using date rape as a means of "besting" the most dangerous villain in the DC Universe is hilarious. I mean super problematic!)). Unless it's after G'nort asks him to be his sidekick that he really hits rock bottom.

Justice League America #36 Rating: C. Not only do the Justice League not save anybody at all in this comic book, it's not even about them! It's about G'nort, an acquaintance of the Justice League! Get your own comic book, you dumb space dog! Fuck, I can't stand you! You stupid piece of shit! At best, G'nort is worth a two issue Giffen mini-series that he'd stretch into six issues! He's the fucking Heckler of Green Lanterns! Maybe if he'd get some dignity, I wouldn't hate him so much! I mean, I don't hate him. Remember how I said I don't hate him! I hate the people who drew and wrote him so incompetently! He can't help the way he was created! Poor dumb, ugly, stupid space dog.

Justice League Europe #11 (February 1990)

Can somebody explain to the characters of the DC Universe that Guy Gardner has brain damage so they'll stop beating the shit out of him for his abrasive personality which stems from the brain damage?! I'm really getting anxious about all this violence against a disabled person!

I've never been any good at seeing the relationship between the penciller and the inker in comic books. But this might be a good example for me of how other people do notice the differences when certain artists are inked by other artists. Based on Animal Man's mouth, I'd say Kevin Maguire was the penciller of this cover. But the overall finish isn't up to Maguire's standards (which can be a bit on the cartoonish side (which I love!)). It looks like Bart Sears came in and knocked the cartoon out of Maguire's art in favor of his more rough-edged style. Of course, it could be the other way around too! But I'm pretty sure if Sears penciled this, it would feel more like Sears with a bit of Maguire's cartoony edge tacked on. What I'm trying to say is I used to never understand how anybody could tell what the fuck an inker added to a project. But now I understand! If your penciller is really good and the inker is terrible, the art is worse! But if the penciller is really bad and the inker is great, the art is somewhat better than you'd expect! So simple!

This issue begins with Metamorpho deciding he's going to go see his kid no matter what Simon Stagg thinks. And he also wants to "see" Sapphire no matter what her caveman husband thinks. He doesn't care what Sapphire thinks because he basically calls her a dumb blonde while working himself up into a raging mixture of frothy chemicals. The reader is probably thinking, "Poor Rex! Being kept away from his child! This is absolutely the story to concentrate on!" And then the scene changes and Dmitri is all, "Hey, Animal Man, why are you at work when your wife and kids were so recently killed?" Holy fucking shit! How am I supposed to concentrate on Rex's story now that I know Buddy Baker has come to work to forget about his dead kids for awhile?! Hey, writer and editors! Maybe don't mention that shit! Or, at the very least, stick an editor's note that says, "The following story takes place before Animal Man's entire family was slaughtered and he has a mental breakdown in which he meets some guy named Grant Morrison!"

Metamorpho makes a big show in front of Animal Man, Rocket Red, and Captain Atom about how he's going to go see his very much still alive and kicking child. He also more than hints at the amount of violence he's going to do to the child's grandfather as he storms out. This leads Captain Atom's brain to slowly whir into motion as it puzzles out who that might be. When he realizes Metamorpho might be about to kill Simon Stagg, he freaks out at how much bad press that will bring to the Justice League. So Animal Man volunteers to keep an eye on him and Rocket Red volunteers to keep an eye on Animal Man. Man, I hope Rocket Red doesn't get some tragic news about his family in a few pages.

Ugh. Confirmed that Guy Gardner voted for Donald Trump. Twice.

There is no way an ex-social worker and teacher of kids with disabilities would simp for Simon Stagg. No wonder Guy was rebooted in The New 52 to be an ex-police officer! I don't like Guy Gardner being an ex-cop because cops suck dirty buttholes but it fits his abrasive, aggressive personality better than "a really decent but boring guy who suffered some serious brain trauma."

Guy volunteers to protect Stagg from Metamorpho for two reasons: he gets to punch somebody in the face while feeling heroic and also he gets to punch somebody in the face. No wait! Three reasons: he wants to eat Simon Stagg's man cream.

Now I'm suddenly hungry for a Ding Dong.

Meanwhile in Moscow, a Russian guy named Joseph with actual emotions (something we were just discovering Russians had in 1990 thanks to the fall of the Berlin Wall and Billy Joel's song about meeting that clown. Before that, we just had Sting hoping the Russians loved their kids too) has decided to help Blue Jay and the Silver Sorceress escape the metahuman gulag they've been imprisoned in since they tried to save the world from nuclear Armageddon (because, as I noted, nobody was sure the Russians loved their kids enough not to start World War III). He's arrested but he drops some magic potion that will help the heroes of Earth-Marvel-Parody escape their cell.

Speak of the Russian devils! This issue is called "Family Ties" so that's probably Dmitri's family headed for Paris!

Now I'm suddenly hungry for Mallory Keaton!

Simon Stagg, according to the headline on a newspaper Captain Atom was reading, has recently produced a new super fuel that can change the world. But little does anybody know, the fuel is just Metamorpho's baby's shit. And to keep the baby shitting out profits, Simon Stagg has hired the responsometer boofing scientist, Will Magnus. And as we all know, scientists are completely amoral when it comes to science so keeping a baby locked up in an experimental box which maintain the correct conditions for it to shit super fuel is not a problem! Especially when you've got Platinum's responsometer whirring away eight inches up your rectum.

Guy Gardner busts in on Stagg and Magnus's nefarious business meeting to warn them that Metamorpho is on the way.

"I'd prefer not to remove the responsometers from my anal cavity but am willing if it becomes necessary."

To Guy's credit, he doesn't defend Simon Stagg's kidnapping a child; Guy simply doesn't believe Stagg would even do that. So, you know, typical conservative: conveniently ignore reality, create excuses and defenses for terrible people, and ready to believe the worst of those who speak the truth about their heroes.

First Rex visits Sapphire because how should he know the baby is kept in an Imipolex egg? He knocks out Java because good and then Sapphire points out what a jerk he was to wait so long to come see her and the baby. They make it seem like she's being emotional and unreasonable but I'm on Sapphire's side! Rex knows how she feels manipulated by her father and he just let Simon Stagg take her away and lock her back up with the caveman. Instead Rex decided to pity himself and pout about it for weeks. He forgave Batman faster than he forgave Sapphire! It's possible the image of Sapphire willingly sucking down fat caveman cock put him off a bit. Although that's kind fo the point, right?! I don't think it was all that willing! Fucking Rex should have stood up for Sapphire as soon as she sought him out!

Sapphire takes Rex to the factory where his son is being kept and learns that his son has the ability to transform anything he touches into any element. So technically he really does need to be isolated because he's a danger to everybody and everything. But technically he doesn't have to be helping to make Simon Stagg even richer. Metamorpho, who is already every element, isn't afraid to hold his baby so he decides to break the kid out of isolation. Dmitri and Buddy try to stop him so he knocks them unconscious before running into Guy Gardner.

Everybody goes on and on about the the ring being the most powerful weapon in the universe and yet you could beat Guy senseless with a whiffle ball bat.

Metamorpho beats the shit out of Guy Gardner because Guy is often written as being overly reliant on his muscles and aggression even though he's not actually an idiot. So once his ring's power can't touch Metamorpho, he decides to just brawl with a guy made out of metal and pays the price. But before Metamorpho can rescue his kid, he smells Magnus ass behind him. The Metal Men have come to stop him!

Justice League Europe #11 Rating: B. Metamorpho and Guy Gardner are two of my favorite characters so even though this issue had next to nothing to do with the Justice League Europe or saving the world, I enjoyed it. And I don't mind seeing Guy get his ass kicked if it's by one of my other favorite characters! What I don't like is how Rex acted toward Sapphire though. He could maybe be a bit more sympathetic to her plight! She's practically a prisoner of her father Stagg. It's not like Sapphire chose to marry Java; it's just another way for Stagg to control her. When Simon sees Rex breaking into the lab, one of the first things he does is kill Sapphire's access to her bank account. Hopefully Metamorpho will realize how huge an ass he's been and they'll all live happily together in the European embassy with Rocket Red's kids and Buddy Baker's memories of his kids.